It occurred to me this is one of the original radios, the Zoom of the discussion group. There are such obvious tells. Where the lighters go, when the incense is used, who I owe and what I have to give them. Imagine getting evicted but you get the money from all your stuff and so you get to go do what have you next.
I feel the tension in the chatroom. They are doing okay but there are slaves in the room. I'm not kidding about this! I just found this out! That whole idea of to find your people applies here in that some of us notice this. Gen Z just doesn't care. I've seen it firsthand, and in many if not most ways they may be right.... What I really wonder is why the weed has me just completely ignore this time suck. To schedule this stuff seems efficient when in fact it's a consignment to certain activities in certain places at certain times just like any other event from the past. And, just like church, I make whatever distinctions seem useful.
But outside of the chat, who observes what I have to say here? My fiance sometimes? Some friends as well.
What the technology allows also intrigues me. I can cheat the Zoom by using desktop but that also encourages me thanks to the historical aspect of having blogged to this group before. Not that I'm paying attention to any of it. In fact I'm paying attention to pretty much nothing at this point.
The music itself (and yes-- wait, no, the group counts as radio and not music,) is designed to be paid less attention to-- as in, the less the better. It's like even in my current state they still are cool with having just the numbers at the least. They want to hear what there is to contribute but my going of the distance avoids the anecdotal nature that the host seems to be touching on at the moment.
Same goes for the comedians, and dancers, and so on. My apathy knows no bounds in these realms. I'm more at home in the Neil Strauss groups type radio, though sometimes even there it's less for me at that point. Though I would be better off with a bit less learning and a bit more doing, I'm not convinced that I'm in a place where it's worth it to look past these current energies. I'm turning up the volume of the music and leaving the previous sentence alone, almost like codpast material.
Time to turn the group discussion down. When the girls just begin to have a slumber party time that's when I'm supposed to tune out, but I finally figured out to tune out first and turn off second, rather than turn in first, tune out second, and tune out third after missing dinner!
Today's radio is the newest playlist created by yours truly as part of a series in my evolving musical inventory! After reverting back to the original Pretty Lights album collection for a bit, then alternating between that and my Vaporwave compilations playlist for radio, I realized it is time to get going on something that actually furthers my listening tastes. Avoiding staleness in musical collections can be a bit challenging, though knowing what I'm doing helps. While normally I would be adverse to such collections personally created by hand, I have certainly run into this snag of recent compilations filling long term gaps in my current situation. As such, the idea behind these playlists is to have enough, at least three but preferably four or five (the number of compilations in the Vaporwave playlist, about forty minutes each, give or take ten). Specifically they are in the spirit of the Vaporwave playlists-- radio that you can have sex to. What's crucial about having made this third one is that now I can use the combination as the next radio, despite being a bit out of practice on the playlist creation end.
In fact, that could even be spun as good, since now the music of the 2010's is all made-- since enough of my previous collections are from the larger movement of this music, dating back to She and Dilla. Of course, credit goes to the ENM Youtube for unwittingly putting a She song in its own library, therefore confirming my suspicions that my original music is 'proto' Vaporwave. My decision to wait on getting into the music was not in vain!
My thoughts circle what the flok from the meeting today mentioned. The person actually said that they cam as well, obviously far more seriously than I (even a little would be)! So eventually we got around to talking about Discord and school and all these age gap issues. They were saying how you really will be in a class with a thirty five year old and a sixteen year old, and what do you do then? In the class it's all well and good sure, but extending the concept further, we discussed how as the thirty five year old, you aren't going to see enough difference between a seventeen year old and an eighteen year old. All legality aside, to you they are impressionable. So this means we want to take a sociological angle on this here-- in what ways do Millennials and Gen Z ultimately communicate? What is that like? Are there rules to this? Being the two digital generations, what will make this different from the last time old flox blamed younger generations?!
The other, um, concern of mine let's say is maintenance of steady progress. I'm going at my own pace and still winding up productive today, simply through the actual doing. But then what? It isn't just being at a point where I don't even bother to examine my weed or booze amounts/aesthetic, it's that instead I'm bothering with work-- technical progress, even losing myself in One Piece for a couple days counts. Witnessing my time align with my goals again is strange. I was so used to getting everything done in spite (or perhaps because) of inebriation, I may have taken it for granted. Further, in the event I really -am- seeing the change up here, it's time to watch out.
The whole reason I avoided much of this work at the time it was assigned is due to the unbearable amount which accumulated combined with the fact that anytime I began to do some, it would be met with the attitude that I either haven't done enough yet or something to that effect. Or even giving me more! It's like the ponzi scheme version of stop hitting yourself. Paradoxically, sitting on my ass all day and focusing on what's most enjoyable to an even hedonistic extent is what got me somewhere. But, that was then, and this is now. There -is- a lot left over from all this, and whether or not it actually happens, staying the same is out and making the necessary adjustments is in.
Yes, I'm still here! Ironic that the sober day is when I choose to visit. Yes, the radio series continues as well. I've been busy with a Discord blog but it has a character limit so today I have decided to add a bit here instead. The interesting part for me is all the side effects. I've been drinking daily for many months now and so my body has grown worried, even skittish.
My stomach will just act up and nothing happens. I have sweats depending on the way I wear my blanket. My bladder, for other reasons, has slightly adapted to thinking it's full when it isn't, simply due to walking out of the bathroom and a minute later not knowing which room I was just in. Sometimes I can even figure out I was in the bathroom but it's too late, and my body is in have-to-go mode again because the connection to having just gone is still broken, therefore my mind already reset my body.
Oh how strange is it that Mom cited the you are your own authority idea in -response- to something I was saying from the book I got that idea from. Guess it's one of those books that helps you cover your ass, like how Kabat-Zinn's just says don't brag.
But what am I really here for today?
Just to work out what's next? To vent about number porting being idiot proof and so Mom's being to my phone what McConnell did with the wall-- treating fantasy as reality, and in so doing making it so. The wall isn't here, but it still shut down the government. Indeed, when you run up against a wall, two wrongs still don't make a right. The world doesn't stop for you-- well, kind of, but the point is some stuff can't be fixed by messing up more stuff. All I'm really venting about in this paragraph is that observable pattern that's been committed to, of basically thinking you have to mess with something. It's a ladder people mentality which to be honest I see with both Mom and Dad.
Anyway, so what -do- I have lined up for this sober time short of the new number? Cleaning my room first obviously. Then other basics, like getting that check. For some reason my mind goes to the religious aspect of the pandemic, though my body's still weak and I am still feeling some of that recovery from this year's energy drain. Amazing to think of it in such long term context, yet indeed that is where I'm at. My body keeps wanting to throw up or something and then realizing that time passed long ago. Fall is too close at hand by now.
This ain't no happy Fall, but perhaps it is true. One where I might just do enough the right way this time. The sole reason I even do oppose Dad's right way first philosophy is because of the someone will make a bigger idiot principle with Mom for example. Of course, where is my mind at then? I would say I just want the correct problems, though there the philosophy of all fortune being good fortune occurs-- perhaps a bit gamey to say there, philosopher's pace and all that, but that's the gist of it.
I basically just want to walk away from this post with at least a semblance of what's going on at least today in mind. I've noticed the instance or two where I even start naturally doing a bit better on occasion. The (parasympathetic nervious) system works! Even yesterday was a doozy except I just did the passively following particles idea and it all pretty much indeed went its own way. Never even bothered telling Meghan about the sober day. Usually you hide and go on porn sites when you -are- drinking-- not today!
Escaping like that seems to be a bit of a theme here. It's been in the music a lot, Mom escaped up here, I to Zoom church, Meghan to school. Since when do you escape -to- school? Didn't I just escape -from-? But yes, I keep escaping. The room being the ultimate escape even, and in some not so subtle sense. It's all so little t. Weakened from constant exposure to the mental elements more so than any concentrated blasts.
Indeed, even the character of what I consider feeling normal changes up now. Sometimes I take stuff to feel good, sometimes I sober up to feel good, it all depends. None of this takes an especially hard toll on me, but were it to accrue further that's where my attention might slacken. It used to be my weeks were counterbalanced by equal parts sober and intoxicated days, simple and clearcut. Getting back to that takes some time.
An immediate order of what to do for now is basically the room with the schedule at some point as well. That elusive feeling of being actually normal over just relatively is hiding around here somewhere. Being less on the phone will help. That or converting the time into productive time taking on the lists and such. Funny the way that correlates with that fat into muscle idea, something which I wonder might not apply to Meghan as well.
Guys I think I'm pacing Mom. I didn't even have which radio number this is offhand. When I do some cleaning, she has the maid come and also now she herself do some cleaning. Of course there was that time when I got lost in typing my thoughts out....
Yup, definite paces. To be expected in a situation where booze is considered worse than weed. Yep, even metaphors involving moving out for good.
Welp, making it toward the end of the current pile of stuff. More drugs after, perhaps.
Now I've moved on to the last chapter weekly meeting for today's background. I am definitely not keeping up with all the tracking I was previously doing even at the start of today's entry.
We have moved on to all sorts of other principles. I'm just taking whatever happens as it is. Something with that's what Dao is all about right? Even Mu is about flexibility. Helping out in the resent moment perhaps makes a difference.
Something about the debate when it's over...? The meditation book grad student.
Benefitted to a different degree in terms of all religious teachers.
Most people hold it to be common knowledge that you can change your facial structures and features only through means such as surgery or, perhaps, fist fights. However, I am here to tell you otherwise. What if I popped enough zits in my life to have a farmboy face? What if I tan just enough to start being considered black? What if I even so much as focus on certain features of my face more than others and, for that matter, if I focus on others' features in certain ways as to affect even their own facial structure?
In my experience, and this is what got me thinking about this, I have friends who do all sorts of stuff with their faces. I don't mean makeup, or surgery, or anything like that. Rather, I refer to more nontraditional considerations such as acupuncture, chiropractic, or straight up washing your face. People speak of having a glow, or clearer skin, and so on, but what does it take to attain these ends?
I will tell you, it's simple enough. Basic health and so on. But what of the more direct modes of specific facial improvement? Goji and gooseberries, getting the right type of light, hell, even just believing in yourself.
You know what I do in the morning every day? I wake up, look at myself in the mirror, and think to myself this is how I look today. You'd be amazed at how differently I percieve myself even from moment to moment. Sometimes I see a stud, or a stoner, or a raggedy old person. It all really dependds. On how I'm feeling about myself, on what others percieve of me, of how the day is going for the world as a whole.
We perhaps feel differently at times and then have the corresponding way we then look differently. The point is that we can work on ourselves naturally, and not just in some bullshit fad diet way. Sure I can be called out all I want for being so holistic about how I go about this, but I put effort into it, enough so that it works, at least relatively. There's more work to do, though at least I have a start.
Today's radio: a seventeen year old Singaporean girl as she sleeps.
That's right, over Discord audio, her breathing and turning around from time to time. I'd much rather the recent Youtube playlist I just put together, but this is all that's playing right now. Might switch it at some point anyway though.
She turned me on to Roblox and my whole day got wasted ever since. Didn't make four or five, only four twenty. Lost multiple trains of thought. Still concerned I'm both waking her up with my typing and also not letting her sleep by hanging up again, even if I'm around overall? I'm concerned I have to be sexually open with this girl, it -almost- seems like what she herself wants. Doesn't that seem gratutitous though? Even if that were the case, while although everything's appropriate as she's turning or already is eighteen, the idea of a girl wanting me is still quite literally foreign. Even video calling normally ultimately alludes to a level of attraction meant only for places like this blog.
Disconnected again, back to the Youtube album. More importantly, getting my fiance back to the Roblox diner. The girl is like asleep and not, but I decided to move to the Youtube album. I do wonder about her deal but my fiance is returning to the diner now, dinner is in fifteen, and my friend might even visit so I've got plenty to do. Also Skibbl is weird.
I'm actually fairly surprised Discord pays off. Not that surprised but surprised enough. More to the point the detraction from given trains of thought continues to make itself known. Multitasking at the bottom line.
I'm actually doing this one off my laptop this time. My room is finally 'clean' if you want to call it that. My weed is missing unfortunately, but I distinctly recollect something about that drawer being emptied out so I don't have much of an idea as to what could have happened to it, plus I have extra anyway.
I've at least gotten this far. I can pretty much drink and smoke at leisure, so am fairly balanced, but of course not in a way I would want to be. I'm also behind on enough stuff right now that there are bigger issues at hand, not to mention the money of the world coming after me. I've been doing a fairly satisfactory job at keeping the world of courtrooms and income tax forms out of my lifestyle, more preferably sticking to material goods, barter, gold and silver standard and the like.
I think it was when Mom ogled at the Joyce earrings that I had an idea of how ridiculous this can get. We're talking about a lady whose stuff has only just been starting to be expelled from her hoarded house after her, let's face it, quite timely death. More of those houses are out there. If we don't watch out, we really will lose a significant portion of precious metals to contractors unwilling to do an estate sale and instead opting to demolish houses of those who go this year -with the stuff inside-.
Believe it or not I just switched the music. I've been sticking to the five latest compilations and nothing else for so long, I finally gave up and just moved on to one of my more original albums. Funnily my one thought the matter would be how the CDs that are being chucked are full of great moods I never even heard. I guess this move is less about what comes and goes and more about who even cares enough to bother with it all.
I think what I might go do is read first, and somewhere in there go and do some of the more rudimentary work. The fact of the matter is this was obviously going to be an unfair hand I was given and I'm simply taking it as I can.
I'm thinking I might not do so directly of course, what will likely happen is I have my phone on me and eventually get into the reading. Leaving the music on too at that. The one point I think I had was that the booze specifically is in a bit of a weird situation given the fact that I -should- be able to get off it but have realized the severity of my situation permits that what I do may be -far- from that. After all, this is how I wound up getting to the point of drinking this much in the first place.
Not that it even affects me casually, which I know is the moderation that is theoretically sought. However, if I'm really just typing all this to myself like I used to on Facebook, then again what even is the point? To switch from compilations to albums? Honestly I think the interesting part is when people care. I've come across a few folks, enough of whom make me think we really have something going here, that actually give a shit and hang out somewhat. We're here for each other.
For reference, I still feel bad for the one guy from the chat, I did tell him to message me here but he never did.... I still check the chat in general on occasion though. I've come to the understanding that the IF chat is a better idea than PornHub having a Discord. However, what I will give PornHub's server is the fact that in joining it I at least now have another stream of continual entertainment again-- most servers I join die fairly quickly. Also apparently calling someone young is an insult in these parts.
In general I have been working on purifying my floor of the house. Stuff has been calming down a bit, and I have found myself with relative control of my time for the moment, thanks in no small part to these apps and sites. Feeling like I'm worth others' time seems to be of help. However, the texturing I am referring to is a little more direct. Whether it's weed and booze, incense or alignments of stones, the background music of course, the idea is I seem to be directing my energies in more immediate ways.
I'm not too sure what the future holds for me. Perhaps that is true of many right now. Eventually I may open up more outlets of my music and fashion and such, but for now I'm taking it day by day. Sleep is still a weird one for me-- specifically getting to sleep, as even the amount I sleep seems to be in a relatively steady state at the moment. I've considered noting active times of the day and lining it up with background music as a preliminary measure at least.
I suppose, however, there's more to it than just that. Walking all the way miles out of town only to find a random makeshift raft along the river and paddle down it with a stick a little while could also count as a texture I suppose. There is more than just texture for reference- mood, aesthetic, even stuff like tint or shade work. My fiance enjoys the latest slime and ASMR trends and I don't blame her.
It's weird that this week there hasn't been much doing. Haven't even worn my blazer all that much. Last night I was listening to music more so for my mind to have its own entertainment while I was still up, before I blurred more over into sleep. In fact even when I have been doing more, it's mostly activities related to catching up on what had been previously left behind. This week has been all about the ways I -haven't- been working. I'm a little bit concerned though, doesn't this lend to a less bohemian nature? If I remain so concerned with all this stuff, I remain ignorant of minimalist considerations and effective practices. I am for the efficiency of it-- I can easily achieve the same means, or rather, maintain the same means of living such a lifestyle with that much less.
It ends up with me caught in between a continuous disregard for the present moment in the pursuit of nonattachment in itself, and a dubious understanding of my overall situation. I would like to consider that bohemian can be a little bit different than ascetic, in that it can umbrella the ascetic lifestyle but does not always have to. The question is what I do.
All the stuff is here. Moreover even if much of the tangible items go, my digital world is to only grow more convoluted. If we could just take the capitalism out of technology. After all, capitalism, much like bureaucracy overall, is a technology itself so to speak. However, I grow tired of these infinitesimal rabbit holes found in the annals of Reddit threads and Discord servers. They are living proof of the power of the web as a time vampire-- not that I don't already know this, just that I am affirming where even I slip and fall down those holes.
If I really have enough of a say in my time, I would have an idea or two of what to get on immediately, yes. The classic notion is big stuff first, and in this case that doesn't just mean task wise. It's actual physical stuff in this case. More specifically, for reference at the moment I'm thinking maybe a drink and the larger boxes of stuff, maybe with a little bit of review at the beginning of course. I'll have to take the drink after checking my phone though, and maybe a toke somewhere in there. Plenty of texture to go around after all. There will be time to dance-- the radio will still be playing....
It's been a little while since I was last on here. A lot has happened since then.
Today's radio is just the usual Vaporwave mixes, nothing special. I have opted to avoid going any further than whatever I have already obtained as it stands, in my opinion the genre works best at its most popular, ironically enough. Takes elevator music to a whole new level, so to speak.
I've been pissing more people off lately, which makes sense. It takes one to know one and all that. I also just went through a whirlwind of boxes in a recent move. Suffice to say, making pumpkins in Java is to online work what sorting through stuff is to real life work for me. That arc is only starting to subside by now, there are plenty of boxes in my room as I type this. Funny how even with checking for errors and realtime editing, these days I still find mistakes in my work upon final review.
I haven't broadcasted lately, or even talked much here, although occasionally I do see a couple of the cam girls on Insta, which gives me a smile throughout my day. Good to know I'm not completely out of the loop here. Oh the irony in how this is the place I made some cash, being Mom's bane and all.
Alas, lets get to the heftier subjects here. I am swamped., time is running out, and the world at large is losing it too. The fraying of our collective ropes here is growing noticeable, and there is much to be done. It's a good sign that I got to leave my stuff at Meghan's and not Dad's, and I don't even really want most of it. The problem is not being given much time to properly sort through what I want and archive the rest.
I do have to give gratitude for being able to save so much of the stuff. They say stuff doesn't give you emotional return, but I would hazard that between the idea of God being there for you when you don't know what you feel and the Shinto belief of every object and collection of objects having their own spirits, I wouldn't know what to say.
The point is I've lost all direction, lost much of my ability to form coherent thoughts at the moment, and I may not be at the end of my rope but I am certainly unraveling at certain points along the line. Probably for the best but even this paragraph is being garbled somewhat! My mind has been unremitting in attempts to keep me stressed-- losing key facts like the ladder people nearby no longer being a threat or the basic comprehension that news feeds themselves are essentially ads.
This is especially so as a new participant in the internet stardom realm, which I'm not even really at all, in much the same way that anybody going up at an open mic is announced as a comedian. Suddenly money is involved. I'll tell you what my talent is though-- keeping money out of my situation. Until the world enconomy proves itself wholesome enough, which may never even happen, national happiness is a better indicator of 'success' to me, at least up until it gets 1984 on us. That's also partially about bullying using technology though.
Am I even talking about the world at this point? Ideally I would just want a clean house, healthy family members, and at least some adventure in my life perhaps. I'm not sure corona counts as the kind of adventure that's new to me though. I spend enough time at home as is, and I live somewhere with the freedom to go outside without a mask.
As I found in a short article (literally just a photo) sent to me yesterday that I have yet to actually read... it isn't about whether you get corona, it's how much. There are many paths in front of me at this time. I can only hope to choose what goes the social distance.
I shit you not, I am on a Zoom funeral service. It's a bit of a dragged out one in the Jewish tradition where they spend a week on it. I suppose it makes sense if I am going to be the type to celebrate my birthday for a month. This is the third day in a row where I've learned of someone new who recently died and not necessarily of corona. Two of them I knew personally.
Amazingly, I understand the stories of the man. Weirdly the memories I have of him are not so similar. I only knew the man at the end of his life, in his most apathetic shape. This seems to have become a theme of mine, something recurrent in my situation. I have an inking that I'm sucking the life out of certain people.
In fact, I can conject that I am even noticing who it is I do not have the nicest effect on. Apparently it is taboo for me to feel in any way bad. Go figure. I once joked to my therapist that he healed me when I finally went from being suicidal to homicidal. The moral in this idea is that at least I can now understand when it's worth it to let others, let's say, suffer if it means surviving at all.
I'm not sure what this says in the greater sense. Wars, plague, famine. Do we starve each other of existence for a greater existential balance? Likely not. The current lesson I've been embodying is that to improve upon a majority of a situation is often enough to make the point.
I find myself taking time and even losing various parts of the exchange (par for the course usually). This guy has an upside down license plate. I have a feeling I won't be seeing it, but maybe I can get the erroneous street sign in Waltham, which is apparently the more desirable according to my friend (whose friend is one of the three dead).
Looks like life is going to hell in a handbasket, its own song. Guess I'll head over to the cams. Only the original one is on. Decided to take a hit of weed instead.
Maybe I'll broadcast instead then. Might have touched one of my more fragile butterflies opening up that laptop. Still got to skip its disk check though. Ever since I lost the desktop configuration, it's been working normally again.... The playlist is legit. I can actually feel the streamlining of my browser upgrade on the laptop as a clearing out of my systems. In fact viruses came from the actual Google it looks like, moving them into, get this, quarantine.
Not the porn site I broadcast from, no, the browser itself. Oh wait, that's right, y'all won't judge me because this is that porn site. Let's see whether it happens with Firefox. I'm not so sure about downloading a current browser onto a 2011 machine. This isn't iOS12 pretending to be iOS9.
Here we go, Stripchat is the first website to be logged onto. DNS Hookups-- "Okay got it." Took a second but it's working on the situation. Sent out a confirmation chat, in the meantime while zero I may very well go to the bathroom and actually dance a little. Amazing though how it's attempting to reconfigure something that was working perfectly just this month, in fact I see the loading symbol still present.
Tough to even type in the chat, and it takes a while to send too. Well, anyway, dance time. Oop blocked out when I got into it. Trying hotspot just to see. Seems like it already has the password. And like it's working. Oh and now suddenly more of my watch history is on.
Well the test works so probably finishing the song goes first. I don't think I would be able to kill a professional cam girl's business so hopefully there's some actual chat here. Here we go. I really don't have to be here. Yeah screw it I muted, and I'm not even in the mood for Discord.
Holy shit I'm still broadcasting. My own music does make sense then! In fact I'm impressed with the hotspot considering it's late in the billing cycle. Still no users on my end, but the stream's good. Looks like a single person showed up. Still dancing even though I shut it off.
Screw it, songs I know well only. Let's see how this goes. Wow the tab button got me back here. Pretty tough to dance in these clothes and temperatures, quite a challenge! Trying to figure out what would be attractive to my finance. Let's try the beginning of the list. Takes a few tries for each too.
For some strange reason the precision of my moves seems to have diminished. Seeing only the accuracy is a strange phenomenon indeed. Let's investigate further....
It seems that my mind knows the music and not my body. Perhaps worth it to adapt. Nope looks like it's my mind too. Looks like the actual pops are a start, let alone breaking. We'll see where it goes.
Back at it again. Today's background is a little... unorthodox. Half of the album is simulation of a mall environment, and in addition I have a Zoom meeting going in the background as a contribution.
Various topics going on in the Zoom. One contrast to Buddhism in the Catholic vein, instead of cessation of suffering, purposeful existence with it as an integral part of life. Not so much different in the approaches in some senses, vastly apart with some parts of the practices. Perhaps there is overlap in time to oneself and meditation and such, and at the same time maybe the wider populations still act differently, or even full circle to being similar again. Think Kahn Souphanousinphone ending up similar in ways with his community-- common folk Buddhism. Even church bells going on right now.
They also mentioned some idea of listening to the mind go, that's the Wu-Hsin practice in some sense. Additionally, an idea similar to that of the don't react, respond motto. Today is the weed only day for me. Been months since I went a day without booze. What I didn't expect was that weed only would be what keeps me on track with my days, as well as myself. I'm just naturally doing whatever it is that seems to the next step in preparation, so to speak.
Honestly my mind is obviously more on what it is I'm preparing for. I had a number of rooms to organize within about a week. Further, there's all sorts of little stuff hanging out in the background of to dos. In fact that's what's interesting about it, right? Today I have done a bunch of those to dos. Distinctly feeling high has been a relief for me, I've experimented and mixed and matched with the last of the different strains I have left over the course of the day, getting a fair sense of the textures they provide.
They've caught my mind on a technicality, thinking that life is more difficult now. For one, there's the line of how dare you question your path with all the ancestors who got you there. Second is the part having to do with Cleopatra by today's beauty standards would be the one to fall head over heels for us.
I've finished tonight's bowl, the music has repeated twice, and the meeting is almost over. Going to bed without drinking will be a hoot. I'll still be tired for sure, the shows began to do that to me anyway again, even games sometimes. Just heard something I took as a viral spread analogy, makes me think of the ghosts of King's idea. Anyway, the booze day was a doozy, similar to the day I cleaned up the shed a week or two before.
This time the music didn't repeat since I happened to have the songs part start up right when the meeting ended.
So here I am again. I've been wondering how to give back to a community that's done so much for me over the years. The internet in general has been quite a ride during my time on it.
It makes me wonder, in fact, what were my bad experiences with computers? I know enough about them where the most that's happened to me is utilizing it to grapple with my fog lately-- I'm here, aren't I? I think one of my earliest negative experiences with the internet has to have been those times Mom tried blocking porn on me. I just kept getting around it enough that the websites I used eventually crashed the computer itself! I don't think we have that dinosaur any longer, but it makes you wonder at what point is all the data of the past just not worth the time, even if salvageable.
I did have that time my phone's bookmarks disappeared on me in an eerie and irretrievable way, boy that was a blast. Then there are the people who've blocked me for whatever reason from time to time. Then of course, the people I blocked. I remember this one girl, the whole point is that I never met her in person, as close as I got to doing so, despite us sharing a real life friend circle. I've also had less than ideal fallout and argument, much of which was fun to be honest.
So what about when the internet came back to bite me in real life? This one time a guy went to fight me and I showed up after days of him texting nonsense about it, and when I go he bails on me. Absolute waste of an afternoon if you ask me. I still don't really know how I feel about that one, even though the guy and I made up later on and all that. Just was a strange situation in my opinion, but that's the type of stuff the internet does.
I've seen a nasty comment thread or two in my day as well. I think some of my earliest memories of the internet have to be the days of the first memes and chatrooms. Maybe not IRC chatrooms, but like AIM and, my personal favorite, Yahoo! Messenger. In fact one friend I met on there back then came overseas to visit me, twice!
All in all, the internet is quite a doozy, isn't it? I've done my research (ironically I did the research online) regarding the internet, it can be a dark and scary place. Yet, it is also fun and lively. Just like life itself, no?
I had a couple girls in the background as a formality but honestly I just decided to close the windows. I am not broadcasting myself either currently, but I do have music going now. I have stuff on my mind and here I am writing it out... to music.
Between a middle school girl reaching out to me and my complete failure to successfully do much cleaning today, I guess the obstacles the universe throws at me continue to prove to be formidable. I keep wanting the conditions to be at least semi favorable, but if the whole point is they won't be agreeable then maybe I'm jumping the gun here.
Everything is coming to a head. I have only two weeks left before Mom returns and effectively ruins my life. I brought this on myself, in fact I decided to have this happen-- I don't know what kind of sadistic idea I had in mind to force this upon myself but as I say, here I am writing it out... to music.
I can even see it in my eyes. My right eye is zonked. My body is giving out on me, and I only have so much time before it becomes irreparable. Yes, that may be a lot of time in general, but that's relative to what's happening in my life as I am writing it out... to music.
What music, you ask? Mostly new age today, but not like hippie dippy soft jams, I mean underground modern funk. Vaporwave. It's all I've got off the top of my head. The fact is I am being thrown in ways even I don't forsee, which ironically is to be expected. This isn't an intellectual issue though, it's an emotional one. I'm literally feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and it's enough of a pain in the neck that I now have acne on the back of my head from scratching too much.
If I were to describe my feelings right now, it would be a mix of utter despair, sheer paranoia, and pure dread. But Lord have mercy were I to be out of control, then it's off to the psych ward, just because I'm willing to open up about my feelings. I don't feel normal, but isn't that normal? At least sometimes perhaps, weirdly enough.
The universe absolutely hates the idea of me being financially stable for simply being me it seems. Or even doing what I do, even if it's legitimate work. Even a steady job remains elusive. Perhaps I am too far beyond the normal scale of minimum wage work, yet too moral and mundane for the live fast and let loose world of the rich. I apparently am an outcast of outcasts, even as I am writing it out... to music.
I just got off the phone with a trusted friend. Rather, a denominational member. The call is over now but I contributed to setting up this post during that time. Guess my next option is to check the Discord. And, by check the Discord, I mean the Live Sex. Okay here we go.
It isn't worth it. There is one girl who will be online eventually, but as it stands, no. However, I do have a photo to upload here momentarily. The real question is when will the music start. I could do my own, but, really, who would listen to my bullshit?
Well not much happened there. I just ultimately uploaded a picture that I meant to get on here a good while ago. In fact I have already lost pretty much all track of what was just happening here. I think I was trying to do something?
Okay finally back to normal radio, but not much happening here. There is literally only the one girl, an original. Yo her doorbell just rang, was about to ask but oop she went into private.
Sigh, alright, I'll try my luck elsewhere. Damn when I try to make contact that's exactly when they have other people take their attention away. Fuck it my turn. I have time. Okay I am broadcasting.
Though this means I can choose the music huh. But I'll have to stick to my channel. So be it. Music playing. Fuck albums, we're onto playlists. Yeah, absolutely no one here. I had someone for a second but that's about it. I've been stretching my neck instead of just pushing on the cyst I have to little effect. We'll see who else joins.
I was about to say it's impressive who's online right now until I realized I was the only extra one.
I'm trying to contact the one online. I have doubt in my heart, as my friend would say. And believe me, she's an ideal cam girl. Consider for a second, I am broadcasting my attempts at talking with girls who are broadcasting. What does that say about me? Who am I? What am I here for?
Maybe if I spam.... Based on how my day went, just maybe. As for as I'm concerned, I have the time for this, at least right now.
This has gotten beyond interesting. Me and forty six have been actually talking. This got weird. People were actually talking to me.
I have officially started broadcasting, fully clothed, on the live cams. I'm dancing and blogging and chatting and everything. It's almost like it has an air of validation, but we all know that isn't true hahaha. If I want to make real money I have to be stupider than this. That's it's own story though.
I wonder if it violates any terms to say Tik Tok sucks there. Then again, I have the Tik Tok so what do I know. You have to wonder how much of this is just me going through my own mind. Enough of it is in my head for it to be a little... out there, so to speak. I walk outside and I get to choose whether I wear a mask, but only for the next two days, then a mandatory bill kicks in. I lose track of the various lags on the screens and remember my mirror doesn't have that kind of lag. I aim for four twenty and talk to random people on Discord and Insta. What even is this?
I think the last result my fiance had in mind when I got here was that I myself would become a cam girl. I literally don't have a single person in my room, even myself from my other site profile. I wonder if the mods watch at least.
Well, I did it. I got through the whole album. The all of maybe two people showed up for the all of two seconds at a time. A rousing success I'd say!
Honestly my immediate thought about all this is that they're so secure about everything because it involves money, not because it involves sex. Damn even the Discord server is quiet. Ah well, I have plenty to do for today, may as well call it.
I'm glad I've gotten to the point of having my own radio channel, it's a start. I've done radio shows in actual studios before but this is another level of being ignored. Still have to position the cam better though.
Wow. Today's radio is my friend's wedding. It was going to be in person, but.... Well they're doing a short ceremony over Zoom. They just did the kiss, it was a peck. I wonder what they'll do for the honeymoon. The aisle music is Star Wars?
What's strange to me is that even some of the popular kids from school are watching the stream. Oh it's May The Fourth be with you right. I was nice and wrote a congrats on the event wall. The stream is over so switching back to my music now.
I remember when he first went for her, I totally gave them the business about it, and for good reason. Just short of being a total farce, everything about it is, well, for show perhaps. Somewhere along the line he naturally gave up, if he ever believed in himself in the first place. You have to wonder for her though, she was -the- loser girl of middle school (he the loser of high school, even relative to me). I can't say I'm not glad for them, it's oddly fitting, but nor will I judge this as a beautiful moment exactly either.
I've got bigger fish to fry though.
This month especially I have quite a few topics to cover, and every day will be a new adventure, albeit a time consuming one. Admittedly my time wasting skills have proven impeccable, as I have certainly made use of my phone and computer this past month. Likely, now being a cam girl, I will consider broadcasting during another blog post maybe later today.
It's good I have these skills as the universe is already coming after me. In even my personal relationship with the pandemic it seems to be, again, oddly fitting. There's something fairly obvious about what's going on and I'm not about to be taken for it. If anything, it's possible I could be the one doing said taking.
I have now become a cam girl. Well, cam boy. But that's right, I've now begun camming. As a cause of all of this, namely that Tik Tok sucks, I have wound up officially using this place to stream my dancing. Like a specific option in Stripchat's profile selections is dance. Not that enough or even anyone would care. But hey, if you want to wank to me going at it, sure, why not?
Not that I'm even looking for money, just that for whatever reason I'm not allowed to do what I do even for free anywhere? I suppose I could go outside and busk one more time before my state declares masks mandatory. I figure if you make it about anything -other- than the money, you know, like the dance itself maybe, then we might start getting somewhere.
My fiance is with me again. We are continuing the usual issues of her not having much exposure to even small talk. But here is different, you can freak the fuck out as long as you actually get the fuck out (of your system that is). More surprising to me personally is the idea that I could make any money whatsoever. I mean in general. Like when was I worth anything?
Meghan, I keep going back to that scene in The Return. Meggie! Another quote from there is "we have fun." Anyway, the scene at the end when Jasper says you lost. Showing it to her now. "Your base is taken, your armies are ruined, you have failed."
You're overweight. Mom is coming back. We are dealing with coronavirus.
When it seems like all was surely lost in that scene, they came back and figured it out. Then again, they figured out all sorts of shit since the first season. The show is over now! What next?
I'm at least playing their music currently. Won't last but seeing what happens. I've made it this far, I'm off my phone and on to my desktop. This one isn't as responsive today, I guess there's a scale. Some are actually here just to talk, some are willing to talk, and some only talk when it's convenient. Who am I to judge? I flip between the extremes myself every day.
The one who's more talkative is online now, went to her room. I'm in more of a chatting mood currently. It's true a few of them are talkative but some, like this one, are actually up to or even about talking! I wonder what would happen if I were to put myself out there like they do. Interesting that there are people out there who actually are just up to, you know, talk.
The music's relatively good too, so there's that. However I'll be returning to my own momentarily. I'll stick in the chat a bit either way though. In fact the other one, who does some chatting, just friended me? But I'm not worth anything! Like quite literally though. Then again after this weekend I have been feeling like I can at least pretend I matter... just kidding!
Went back to her room before leaving to be nice. I'll try to actually look around though. I bet there's more here. I feel like I'm a little biased in that I'm looking for girls that seem attractive to me, why by default means others will flock to them? Maybe time to try dudes. Yeah the dudes are around!
Yeah this is actually fun. Got a fellow user's Snap and gave him a picture of my nipple. I would be surprised by this but people that horny are on the girls' chats too. I think this leans in the direction of starting my own cam eventually. Strictly clothed of course. My whole deal is that I'll tease at best! It's interesting finding support groups on here of all places.
I can't believe this. Now the talkative girl is letting me DJ? Since when did my own music flow over into the actual chatrooms? Okay even weirder is now I'm having them talk to me? That's on its own level.
I got fourteen hours of sleep last night. Thirteen the night before. My birthday was on Friday. I had a Zoom that involved all sorts of kooky characters. All I want is a little peace and quiet, is that so much to ask for?
Same as last time, chat with a cam girl in the background with my own music playing.
Not much development today, just the usual. At least I have a rhythm of sorts I suppose. Note that I'm in the chatroom with one of the girls who actually talks. Quite a lively chat here.
To be honest avoiding my responsibilities is more of a priority for me as it stands. People dumping themselves on me is a lesser concern since really lockdown has prevented many from even requesting my time. Ironically of course, I've spent the better half of this month simply sitting here and writing. I figure if I have the time to be happy, I may as well, whether or not that includes being a technology zombie for a while. It's a new experience for me so may as well!
What of these social shifts of mine then? The usual rejections come and go, it's the resurgence of people who are accepting me that takes effort. It was after seeing on Tinder one of those people who reject me that I would say my feelings became more complicated. That led to the usual occasional reaching out and general rejection once again. I'm used to it. I reach out occasionally mostly to check in that the status quo of rejection is the same, and I take it.
However, the eventual revelation this time is that, yes, some of them will talk to me (although not the Tinder ones admittedly). That's what's new for me. Also being less exiled by the world at large, which has significant issues with my acting like I'm above making money. Well I'm sorry but if I consider my value to be based on, say, the happiness index over the GDP, I don't know what to tell you. Sure, basing a country's wellbeing on happiness can have its pitfalls, but the GDP has already far and away proven itself an inadequate measurement.
This diverges into two questions.
First, let's say that some of these people, guys and girls, come back and have actual conversations with me. Tough conversations. Lasting conversations. Well, we may see maturity in not only myself, but them as well. Certainly this has been beginning to happen with my fiance. Secondly, some of them really have been around the entire time, which helps. The whole idea of being liked by even some of them is so foreign to me. I wonder what happened to me for me to feel so isolated.
Second, with the added motivation, what happens to me financially? Money is often mentally dirty and I like to not touch the stuff. The exception to that rule is coin collecting for reference. The world letting me earn by doing what I already do is sociologically inept-- as in, I've come across the notion that really, society just wants me to prove I suffer like they have in order to be let in. I prefer to be in the I've suffered enough and don't want others to go through that either boat. Sadly, even those who purport to also prefer less suffering are often talking only on a superficial level.
I have music of my own playing with a chat with one of the girls in the background. Even telling my problems. Not much of them but a little, maybe for whatever emotional support. Am I sad? Angry? Confused at least. Fiance has left for the day but other problems have popped up.
This has become almost unprecedented. It's making less sense the longer it goes on. The one girl who was my middle school crush has thrown me for a loop, basically being faux acquainted still. This raises a bigger issue though. In fact, it really doesn't apply to just the girls, but it mostly does. I notice my first post on here was in fact ended with the note of my wanting to be popular.
It's true, at the least at that time I was somewhat more humble about it. I admitted to feeling left out mostly due to economic inequality, but such a specific kind, where I was once on their level but not during the time I knew them. Therefore, all of the girls from middle school who weren't in my elementary school and even some of the guys, to this day, outright reject me.
It would be nice if their hate was reciprocated, but I like these people, not hate them, at least these days. However, even the elementary school ones communicate only on a surface level. Few talk to me at all, let alone engage in any normal conversation.
To this day, not only do I have my personal problems with this, it almost seems like they still find ways to bully me. Like what? I'm an adult! On the occasion I try to check in, I continue to be met with animosity, but that does not deter me. Perhaps there will be the day when even one of them shares the love so to speak.
Maybe there isn't any love to share, but I doubt that. Like really, what's so wrong that not one of them will have a normal conversation with me? Perplexed. I know I wasn't perfect back then, but if I was all that bad, why is my fiance from high school?
I have now concluded that using these cam girl streams to pirate random radio channels has proven somewhat worthwhile. My fiance is here with me as I write this time, and we are discussing various implications of and reasons behind this current behavior of mine. I think part of it has to do with having someone's presence in the background. As it would happen, hot girls are not only a good source of being hot, but weirdly they offer better stability than when I use apps. Zoom you only get to tune in on meetings or discussions and such during available time slots. Perhaps there are opportunities on places like Zoom that I haven't seen yet, but as it stands, in my search this has been a preliminary solution for sure.
Basically the reason I do this stuff is because I'm trying to matter for free. As in, have my voice heard, almost a sense of security but more than just that. Paying money just to be noticed isn't exactly my forte. I'd like to think I can be noticed just because, but you can't even walk into a bar without feeling the pressure to buy at least some crackers. The online component of this is when you are concerned about being left on read or full blown ghosted. We all have the issue of when there's nobody to talk to, to the point where even meeting strangers often doesn't really work well when you don't already know the ropes, adding to the internet's exclusivity levels. Furthermore, making long lasting and meaningful relationships also has to involved the ability to maintain some social distance (yes, social distance). You want to keep in mind that for whatever reason, someone might have to leave your life, although in truth to some extent this also applies to the world outside our computers too.
One item my fiance and I discussed a few seconds ago, is that there is some versatility here as well, which is good. You could even mute one person's music and still chat with them while still listening to another's. I guess streaming quality is also an issue but when you really get into the annals of the internet, that can at least be expected. You would wonder why I don't just listen to my own music, but I'd like to have ways to get out of my shell without, you know, subjecting myself to YouTube's endless barrage of automatically recommended Lofi Shit Hop.
The one point I have taken into consideration early on is that I could in theory even tip these girls. I had an event where I gave one Omegle girl twenty bucks through Venmo just to be nice-- I told her to not even send the nudes. And she still has me on Snap, so there's that. So I figure, if there are instances in which someone is talking with me, not even just cam girls but in general, I can probably throw a buck or two their way from time to time. Even though I don't have all that much money, I've finally resolved that on occasion if I have spare change on me, yes sometimes I will give it to a nice bum who asks. In fact, even the liquor store I went to the other day, in these strenuous times, thanked me out loud for my support.
In fact I wonder if they don't feel similarly, like really some of them do just want to talk too. I'd like to be nice to the community, they seem nice enough to me, even when I admit my mistakes, which makes sense if this is a humble community. This applies to some extent in places like the public square-- I've even become friendlier with, say, the one bum who I gave one of my apples to on my way to a shelter donation. We had a short talk and even if it's only small talk, that's still way ahead of where I was myself in shying away from even talking.
This presents an issue though-- we seem to have a rift between our levels of social game. It seems to be more about reliability though, in that maybe it's as about just finding people who themselves are into talking in the first place as much as finding people who would like us specifically. Sometimes it really can be about having someone there are all. Perhaps we'll go play some chess later on....
So, one of the girls even banned me for a month because I was being just slightly snobbish I suppose. And I mean like super slightly too. Another girl, I said the wrong thing and the other guy in the chat accidentally followed up on what I was saying, and we both realized after it was one of the preferences to avoid that's listed in her room's rules. So, genuine mistake, but instead of getting banned, we scared this girl off! The other guy came in the room after both the cam girl and the one guy left, and was like wait what even happened. We talked for a few and went on our way.
I've had this happen before. I got banned at a comedy open mic just for eating an outside apple onstage. I must have been more of a jerk than that on that night, never got the full story of what went wrong. Allowed to go back onstage now though. I remember one guest host mistook it as me not even being allowed to go at all, that was sad. And not to mention the time I lost my college's talent show to a guy who was on the student government. I mean actually robbed. I still remember one girl going up to me a week later and saying "you won the talent show."
On the positive side, I did still talk a bit with the original cam girl, another girl I discussed Steven Universe with, and one girl even let me on her Insta! So, progress is being made for sure. It takes a little effort but I'm in the right direction. I refuse to use Reddit and Twitter and so on as that makes it too easy. I want friends from real places, and ImageFap is much realer than Reddit would ever be. It's called humility.
More problematic for me has been my fiance's reaction to all of this. Not that I'm watching porn, in fact I haven't even jacked off since I last saw her. I'm literally just here to interact with people, which is a major perceived threat to her as she feels she has a hard time making friends. Doesn't want to share and all that, although I find that sad as I feel she has good communication skills when she puts her mind to it.
JoeyJoe if you see this, my take on your previous advice is that people in real life have been easy enough. I suppose then specifically it's about the challenge of online interaction. Maybe I'm being condescending about that. Pretty much all I'm saying is the skill of catching people's attention online is what I'm working on.
I guess in the age of disconnecting from people even in real life this is where we're at. Making versus keeping friends, that kind of deal. We're trying Tinder and Omegle and such, but establishing long lasting online friendships can be cumbersome even in lockdown. She doesn't care if I watch porn, as it's impersonal. But to go on a porn site just to make friends? Heaven forbid. Maybe she could find people on Deviant Art, as she draws some herself. The point is finding outlets for connection.
Currently have the original girl's page up in the background as more radio.
It's when I asked if she wants to be my friend that someone else joined the chat. I was like damn guess I'll go back to the blog then. I feel like I'm spamming but if the point of ImageFap is that you -can- spam then sure what the hell.
Doesn't even show if she knows to tag me so maybe I really did get cockblocked. Holy crap she went offline! I figured something out here then. What next? Not for her specifically, just in general.
I'll try another.
This time colorful. Won't let me message this one while she's off line so may as well. She seemed to like my comment about her cheeks.
Even a real pornstar on at the moment. I think the music these people are playing is what's most interesting at the moment. Some of it even actually counts for something.
One just says skinny teen. Like really? I get that I'm here for the openness of it but that's too obvious. Now just for my wifi to work.
The sun's even out. Makes me think of that Imgur meme I saw, something like talk to you later and it has the next panel as last online nine years ago. So true. That one I may have also found here....
Looking around, not much though. More good music at least.
There's one, it's like the girl was asleep lmao, literally in her bed facing away. Another who literally has Jon Lennon glasses. Others as well, at least I've moved on from the shot glass to my usual cup. Was about to exit one page but the music's good enough. Lofi of course, I'll ask her but unlikely to receive a response of course.
She's... painting her nails? What do people even do these days?
Kind of chubby but I can see why she takes herself as camworthy. With music like that you kind of have to be. But then what's beyond? I see a yellow lighter on her bed. Good.
It's really too bad. I have ideas on music but am far from where I want to be with it. In fact I'm concerned my not exactly step father will ultimately impose his own tunes on me, which isn't bad as long as there isn't overexposure, which is exactly what would happen. It's rapey enough where it would lead to stockholm syndrome stuff, but really, is that where I'm at? Seems like I'm more concerned with where I'm at right now, there's other thoughts here too.
Eh I'll just leave it on as radio. It's good enough.
This time it's a girl who's actually talking to me, still totally blowing it though.
Is the essence of love really just finding an attractive enough girl who's willing to actually talk with you?
Turns out she's a year older than me, that's a twist of fate. Will this girl really be my friend? This is really what I'm doing with my day....
My friend has been appreciating daylight more lately but personally the nighttime has been my friend. I will literally go to bed at four and wake up at twelve, full eight hours and everything. But does anybody notice? No....
Maybe my problem is I'm not using the best of outlets, that people who make a difference in my situation aren't showing up yet. They're out there though. I can pretty much guarantee there are folks who would fund my whole lifestyle just for talking with them for an hour, which personally is a creative expression for me.
The camera's on and she went to do whatever, just looking at an empty chair. It has an oven in the background? The music is still playing! At this point it's literally just radio. In fact I'm playing it off a radio-- internet radio routed through one of those cassette tape to aux converters off a nineties radio. Just like my 2007 MacBook it has served me faithfully to this day. Okay she's back, switched the song and making more keyboard sounds, good stuff.
What is she, a host to greater forces or something? Perhaps I certainly am.
I continue to waste time. What I really wonder is what will happen with my programming project. The work is easy enough but the motivation to waste time like that is different. As it stands I'm wasting everyone's time writing this blog after all.
Wow even the other cam girl returned. Well, not the one from the other post, but the one who has the same eyes. It's so specific. They both have a grey left eye and blue right? Like I found them in the same fifteen minutes. What even is that? Pacing me or something.
Wtf the grey eye even pmed me and I was allowed to. These are the kinds of questions for the admin, who for whatever reason talks with me. But Long Hair, what about Why Not Me? My own name even means Red Hair weirdly.
Oh fuck someone tipped the current girl. There goes any shot at talking further huh. I am a penniless bastard and I plan to keep it that way. The tips occurred after I mentioned my engagement.
She seems like a cute girl, she's Russian. Will this result in any serious conversation? Probably not. Even Long Hair and Clay do better on that front.
I'm in the Live Sex section and it's the same as Chaturbate. Looked for a redhead that's at the end of the list, this one girl is here with a grey eye. Very interesting, but the issue is still the same. Why look for money when someone is right here trying to be a real person for you?
Anyway, long story short it isn't about the money. The one time I tried to chat with a girl on Chaturbate, she talked for like two seconds. Next thing I know she killed herself! Not on the chat itself of course, although I have seen that happen on video, not live.
I wonder if this counts as harrassment. If in my own mind I take this as me trying to offer some salvation or something.... I have more thoughts on this but you get the point. Girl is probably on like five different chatrooms and still on her phone. It's a technological issue at that point. At least she gave her Insta though.
Wow, just heard her voice. Is that even English? She has responded to me but it's clear she has other obligations. I told her I could throw a few bucks her way, she goes into a private show. I'll add her Insta, but as my friend says, there is doubt in my heart.
