Yes, I'm still here! Ironic that the sober day is when I choose to visit. Yes, the radio series continues as well. I've been busy with a Discord blog but it has a character limit so today I have decided to add a bit here instead. The interesting part for me is all the side effects. I've been drinking daily for many months now and so my body has grown worried, even skittish.

My stomach will just act up and nothing happens. I have sweats depending on the way I wear my blanket. My bladder, for other reasons, has slightly adapted to thinking it's full when it isn't, simply due to walking out of the bathroom and a minute later not knowing which room I was just in. Sometimes I can even figure out I was in the bathroom but it's too late, and my body is in have-to-go mode again because the connection to having just gone is still broken, therefore my mind already reset my body.

Oh how strange is it that Mom cited the you are your own authority idea in -response- to something I was saying from the book I got that idea from. Guess it's one of those books that helps you cover your ass, like how Kabat-Zinn's just says don't brag.

But what am I really here for today?

Just to work out what's next? To vent about number porting being idiot proof and so Mom's being to my phone what McConnell did with the wall-- treating fantasy as reality, and in so doing making it so. The wall isn't here, but it still shut down the government. Indeed, when you run up against a wall, two wrongs still don't make a right. The world doesn't stop for you-- well, kind of, but the point is some stuff can't be fixed by messing up more stuff. All I'm really venting about in this paragraph is that observable pattern that's been committed to, of basically thinking you have to mess with something. It's a ladder people mentality which to be honest I see with both Mom and Dad.

Anyway, so what -do- I have lined up for this sober time short of the new number? Cleaning my room first obviously. Then other basics, like getting that check. For some reason my mind goes to the religious aspect of the pandemic, though my body's still weak and I am still feeling some of that recovery from this year's energy drain. Amazing to think of it in such long term context, yet indeed that is where I'm at. My body keeps wanting to throw up or something and then realizing that time passed long ago. Fall is too close at hand by now.

This ain't no happy Fall, but perhaps it is true. One where I might just do enough the right way this time. The sole reason I even do oppose Dad's right way first philosophy is because of the someone will make a bigger idiot principle with Mom for example. Of course, where is my mind at then? I would say I just want the correct problems, though there the philosophy of all fortune being good fortune occurs-- perhaps a bit gamey to say there, philosopher's pace and all that, but that's the gist of it.

I basically just want to walk away from this post with at least a semblance of what's going on at least today in mind. I've noticed the instance or two where I even start naturally doing a bit better on occasion. The (parasympathetic nervious) system works! Even yesterday was a doozy except I just did the passively following particles idea and it all pretty much indeed went its own way. Never even bothered telling Meghan about the sober day. Usually you hide and go on porn sites when you -are- drinking-- not today!

Escaping like that seems to be a bit of a theme here. It's been in the music a lot, Mom escaped up here, I to Zoom church, Meghan to school. Since when do you escape -to- school? Didn't I just escape -from-? But yes, I keep escaping. The room being the ultimate escape even, and in some not so subtle sense. It's all so little t. Weakened from constant exposure to the mental elements more so than any concentrated blasts.

Indeed, even the character of what I consider feeling normal changes up now. Sometimes I take stuff to feel good, sometimes I sober up to feel good, it all depends. None of this takes an especially hard toll on me, but were it to accrue further that's where my attention might slacken. It used to be my weeks were counterbalanced by equal parts sober and intoxicated days, simple and clearcut. Getting back to that takes some time. 

An immediate order of what to do for now is basically the room with the schedule at some point as well. That elusive feeling of being actually normal over just relatively is hiding around here somewhere. Being less on the phone will help. That or converting the time into productive time taking on the lists and such. Funny the way that correlates with that fat into muscle idea, something which I wonder might not apply to Meghan as well.