Same as last time, chat with a cam girl in the background with my own music playing.

Not much development today, just the usual. At least I have a rhythm of sorts I suppose. Note that I'm in the chatroom with one of the girls who actually talks. Quite a lively chat here.

To be honest avoiding my responsibilities is more of a priority for me as it stands. People dumping themselves on me is a lesser concern since really lockdown has prevented many from even requesting my time. Ironically of course, I've spent the better half of this month simply sitting here and writing. I figure if I have the time to be happy, I may as well, whether or not that includes being a technology zombie for a while. It's a new experience for me so may as well!

What of these social shifts of mine then? The usual rejections come and go, it's the resurgence of people who are accepting me that takes effort. It was after seeing on Tinder one of those people who reject me that I would say my feelings became more complicated. That led to the usual occasional reaching out and general rejection once again. I'm used to it. I reach out occasionally mostly to check in that the status quo of rejection is the same, and I take it.

However, the eventual revelation this time is that, yes, some of them will talk to me (although not the Tinder ones admittedly). That's what's new for me. Also being less exiled by the world at large, which has significant issues with my acting like I'm above making money. Well I'm sorry but if I consider my value to be based on, say, the happiness index over the GDP, I don't know what to tell you. Sure, basing a country's wellbeing on happiness can have its pitfalls, but the GDP has already far and away proven itself an inadequate measurement.

This diverges into two questions.

First, let's say that some of these people, guys and girls, come back and have actual conversations with me. Tough conversations. Lasting conversations. Well, we may see maturity in not only myself, but them as well. Certainly this has been beginning to happen with my fiance. Secondly, some of them really have been around the entire time, which helps. The whole idea of being liked by even some of them is so foreign to me. I wonder what happened to me for me to feel so isolated.

Second, with the added motivation, what happens to me financially? Money is often mentally dirty and I like to not touch the stuff. The exception to that rule is coin collecting for reference. The world letting me earn by doing what I already do is sociologically inept-- as in, I've come across the notion that really, society just wants me to prove I suffer like they have in order to be let in. I prefer to be in the I've suffered enough and don't want others to go through that either boat. Sadly, even those who purport to also prefer less suffering are often talking only on a superficial level.

Not all though.

-Russly