I've found myself with a bit of a problem. Well, its a psychological one I guess.
I've always been quite experimental with my sexuality. When I was 17/18 was when I realised I was curious about men sexually. I always found it quite strange as I've never found myself "attracted" to a guy. I work with and know a few guys that I would consider to be quite hot, but I've got absolutely no interest in them at all.
However the idea of being "with" a man, having his cock in my mouth or even in my ass always interested me greatly. So much so that about ten years ago I had my first proper "gay" experience. I've never came out to anyone I know as being bisexual, so I never had anyone I could talk to about this. So as with most things in my life I turned to the internet and discovered a whole host of possibilities. Suffice to say I ended up in one of Glasgows gay saunas on a thursday afternoon, where I quickly found myself sucking on a guys cock. That's as far as it went on that occasion, but over the next decade I would return to the fairly seedy scene to "try it out". Two years ago I lost my anal virginity to a guy I met on Grindr. Did I fancy him? Not really. I fancied the idea of someone finally fucking me. I didn't enjoy it particularly. It hurt and I'm not entirely sure it would have gotten any better.
Anyway I'm getting off what my actual point is.
Over the past two months or so I've become really into CD/TV/TG porn. I'd seen shemale stuff before and always enjoyed it, at least when the shemale was passable. In the past I'd fantasized about what it would be like to be her, to experience it from her end. But it was just that and it always seemed to pass in favour of watching BBW/Interracial/Lesbian/Midget or whatever happened to take my fancy at that point in time.
But in the past few weeks it's gone beyond simple fantasising and masturbating over video-clips. I've found myself seriously dressing and gravitating to TG erotica with an interest that goes beyond something to wank to. So much so I've created this account and started to post my own CD pictures.
Which brings me to my problem.
I love my girlfriend. More than I've loved anyone in my entire life. She is literally everything to me. But if she wasn't in the picture I think I would be seriously looking at walking down that TG path. I want the hormones, the implants, the therapy. I want to start living more like a woman. But I think this would be impossible with her. I don't know how she would take it.
Plus there's the fact that it wouldn't work so well with the rest of what I want. I want to marry her and I want her to be the mother to my children. How can I possibly do all those things?
Anyway this isn't a "cry for help". If anything I just needed to get it typed out and out there.
I want to be a woman and I think it's going to be a choice between that and everything else I want.
So I guess I should explain some of my motivation behind my CD behaviour. Well I'll try to as I don't fully understand it myself. Its not really a sexual thing for me. Sure sometimes I get hard and decide to play with myself when dressed but I think deep down theres a part of me that wishes I was a woman.
The fact is if I had the ability to switch genders I probably would. There's so many things I wonder about. Are female orgasms so much better than mens? What's it like to have breasts and experience sex as a woman?
Sadly there's no way to find this out. Sure there's the whole long process of changing gender through surgery and hormones but at the end of the day, while physically you would appear female (And most aren't convincing enough I'm afraid) you're still genetically a male. I'd want to be fully female, right down to the brain chemistry and reproductive system.
In the short time I've been here the albums I've added as favourites are both for Bailey Jay, one of the few truly convicing Shemales out there (Well, until she takes her panties off that is). That's why she's the ultimate "Trap", so to speak. She is genuinely feminine looking and could have been born like that. Sadly there's no way I'll ever be as hot looking as her. Mostly through a lack of time and money to go through with it, but also due to the fear and my age (30 is probably not going to result in someone who looks like a stunning 20 year old girl).
I've rambled on though. At the end of the day it's just a fantasy. I'm never going to be like that and I'm ok with it. I'll just try on some girly clothing from time to time and make myself feel feminine for a few hours a week.
So I'm fairly new to the scene here. I've certainly tried on my mum and sisters clothes a couple of times over the years but living with my girlfriend has given me a whole new angle on it. Now I can try on everything. Well, almost. She's about a foot shorter than me and has tiny feet, but I'll do ok.
Now if only I could come up with a reason to shave my legs and armpits!
