What is orgasm denial? Well, orgasm denial is basically a part of the
BDSM culture, although many other people do it as well, sometimes even
without knowing what it's called. It's basically a form of pleasure
delay. And as you might've thought, the more you delay the pleasure, the
more eager you get to have that pleasure. And that's exactly what
orgasm denial is about.
But not cumming isn't very much of a turn on, if you're not being
stimulated. For some it is, but for most it isn't. So an important part
of orgasm denial, is making sure that the person you do it to, or with,
or to yourself if you don't have a partner for it, is all about
stimulation, but stopping before the orgasm comes. This may sound weird
to some of you out there, but if you stop masturbating, for instance,
just before you cum, and cool off for a moment, and then start again to
make yourself finally cum, your orgasm feels much more gratifying and
stronger then it would before. Now the idea obviously is, the longer and
more often you delay it, the more powerful your orgasm becomes. Up to
the moment where some people even pass out during their orgasm, or have
an orgasm so heavy, they almost get inhuman strenghts, and are able to
bend or move things, which previously would not have been possible, due
to the powerful feeling of the final release.
Now oppose to what some of you might think, orgasm denial is mostly
about mental control. Sure enough, the orgasm denial and teasing that
happens is physical, but it really is more about the mental aspect of
it. Let me try and explain it to you this way.
In the movie Inception, there's a scene about the origins of an original
idea, and about why inception wouldn't be possible. The scene mentions a
common fenomenon, which goes like this: If you're told not to think
about a pink elephant. What do you think about? Exactly! A pink
elephant!
And the exact same thing happens with orgasm denial, which makes it more
of a mental challenge or control. When you're in orgasm denial for a
longer period (let's just say 24 hours), changes are, that the you will
be very horny after a couple of teases. So, now you're thinking, okay,
let's just not think about my orgasm or being horny. Guess what you'll
be thinking about all the time? Exactly, your orgasm and how horny you
are, which only makes you feel even hornier. And then, at the end of
that day, even though you wheren't teased the rest of that day after the
first couple of times, you're horny as hell, which makes you want it
even more, and makes your orgasm even more powerful.
In BDSM, orgasm denial gets used by dominant people to control their
subs or slaves, to control their actions, their orgasms, but also as a
mind game. Because they will be thinking all day about their denial,
they'll also be thinking about the one who gave them that task, their
dominant partner, and in that way, the dominant person is even in their
minds when they're not around, simply by orgasm denial. But that's not
the best thing. Submissive people are there to please their dominant,
not themselves, and by orgasm denial is a perfect good way to implement
that in the submissive's mind. It's not about their orgasm, their
plesure, but about the dominant's pleasure.
And here comes the very best part. Because someone is in orgasm denial,
they'll be hornier then ever before. But also more willing to do things,
in hopes it might earn them their orgasm. They'll be more willing to
things, almost anything. And because they want it so bad, and it kept
them horny for so long, the sex is amazing for both sides, both the
submissive and dominant. The submissive finally gets some stimulation
that might help them reach their orgasm. And the dominant gets to enjoy
the full lust and horniness of their submissive.
Imagine: a girl so wet and horny, because she's in orgasm denial. She'll
do your homework, does the dishes, the household, anything you want, in
hopes of you giving her permission to cum. And when you fuck her,
she'll be hornier then ever and extremely wet, because she was in orgasm
denial. And when she finally cums, you feel her cunt contracting around
your cock so hard, it's impossible to to shoot your load inside her.
She loves it, because you gave her the best orgasm ever. And you'll love
it, because you got the horniest girlfriend ever, and she does whatever
you want her to do, in hopes she might earn her orgasm. Doesn't that
sound like a good deal for both?
Now of course, their might be some people out there, who might have
trouble to keep their hands of themselves, and orgasm without
permission. And when that happens, the orgasm denial doesn't have any
effect. If you want orgasm denial to work, you have to make sure the
person doesn't finish it by masturbating. And for this purpose, a lot of
BDSM people use a chasity belt. A great way of controling someone's
orgasm, and very frustrating for the one wearing it. They can't touch
themselves. And frustration is what orgasm denial is all about. The
bigger the frustration and desire to cum, the better the orgasm. Some
chasitybelts even have the ability, or have built-in, dildo's, buttplugs
and vibrators, to make sure they get the stimalation, but can't control
it. Also a vibrating egg might help if the chasitybelt doesn't have an
option for a dildo or vibrator inside. There are today even vibrating
eggs, that work on cellphones.
Imagine having your girlfriend wear an orgasm denial, after you teased
her endlessly the night before, making her beg for an orgasm. She's
wearing a chasitybelt with inside her pussy a remote controlled
vibrating egg. One push of a button on your cellphone, and you'll buzz
her into pleasure, keeping her horny and wetter then ever. But she can't
finish herself off, because she can't touch herself through the
chasitybelt. Buzz her while she's at work in the office, or during a
dinner in a restaurant. See her struggle, as she's so horny, but wants
to hide it from the people around her. It's almost like you're saying:
come on, don't be shy, why don't you show everyone what a horny little
slut you are? Why hide who you truly are?
And some dominant people do use it this way, to 'crack' their submissives into exploiting them publicly.
I've heard from women who where in chasitybelts, with toys inside them
on a daily base, and they where denied their orgasm for an entire week,
that at the end of the week they didn't even need anymore stimulation.
They where so horny, and so wet, their nipples just stayed hard all day
long, without any touching, or any stimulation at all. They where just
horny as fuck. They described a tingling sensation throughout the day in
their nipples and pussy, as a result of being so horny for so long
without any orgasm.
I'd like to reach that point. That point where my nipples are hard all
day long. My clit is tingling by default. It must make each single touch
a breathtaking experience. Making every touch on your body extremely
sensitive. Making your body more senstive and arousing. That even with
the slightest touches, you could get an orgasm. Imagine the feeling of
when you masturbate, or having sex, but then all day long, every minute,
every second. Wouldn't you love that? I sure as hell would.
So please guys and girls, deny it to me one more day. But remember,
orgasm denial only works if you're capable of turning the other person
on. Otherwise it's just stupid. They have to want it, crave it. So it's
important that you know exactly what and how to turn the other person
on.
The other day I was talking to a beginning dominant. He just started
ordering things around, like most beginners do. The trick to each good
dominant, is to really get to know the other person. Get to know what
turns them on. How to tease them. You need to able to sense when they're
close to orgasm. To feel when you need to quit something. And to know
when to continue something.
You want to reach that point, of just before they orgasm, that edge, and
then make them stop. If you can do that, then the orgasm denial works.
Otherwise it's just frustrating, and not a turn on, and you'll scare
them, and make them hate orgasm denial. And truth is, you can't hate
orgasm denial. You can only hate people sucking at it.
A person owned by another -- without rights, without choices, without the ability to drive their own lives and directions.A person whose very existence is at the whim and desire of another.Property.Cherished and loved, but still given over to another to make all decisions for this person. (see: So you want to be a slave? for a pretty good idea about some of the activities/directions/thoughts a slave may deal with)The slave makes one choice, and one choice only.To become a slave.After that, they accept, without question, every decision the dominant makes.The only out is if the slave leaves the relationship.There
is no negotiation after the initial guidelines have been set up, and
the slave must accept everything the dominant decrees.Including being traded or accepting new people into their lives.
A submissive:
One who gives over their own personal power and control to another voluntarily.One who accepts the guidance of a dominant and gives the right of their own decisions/directions/growth to another in most aspects of their relationship.An exchange of power occurs, with both the submissive and the dominant giving equally of their time and emotions.A choice, or gift, that can be withdrawn at any time by either the dominant or the submissive.A submissive has many rights.Including:
the right to be respected; the right to negotiate; the right to have
levels of control over aspects mutually agreed upon in everyday life;
the right to say no; the right to feel equal as a person.
It came to me, during this discussion, that there are many crossovers in these two seemingly different types of submission.The term slave has caused more hackles to rise than many other terms that are bandied about in the world of D/s.Definitions seem to change and move, depending on who is speaking, and their own ideas.Often,
those who consider themselves slave, or those who consider the one who
serves themselves to BE slave, equate slavery with a deeper level of
submission.Conversely, those
who are submissive (and by default, those who have submissives in
service to them), often feel that being a submissive requires a deeper
sense of submission than that of a slave.
The emergence of Gor and Gorean activities has muddied the waters even more.In Gor, a slave is literally property, with no rights.He/she is owned and is (hopefully) treated as a prized possession.The
Gorean slave serves any dominant or free person whether they want to or
not, whether they like the person or not -- if it is the whim or desire
of their master or mistress, and in the case of an un-owned slave, any
free person.As close to true slavery as is possible in the modern world.
This separation of slave and submissive is what causes the problems with definition.Most equate the term slave to the Gorean idea of slave, and forget about the very real life choice of consensual slave.And a new term came to mind: submissive slave.
I am a submissive slave. The dynamics of my own relationship give me so much freedom -- the freedom to do as I like in most cases.I
maintain the rights of the submissive as detailed above, but with one
major difference. I am owned. I have given him ownership over me, and he
has accepted that ownership.Wow.Stop and think about that for a moment.
I am a very strong woman -- emotionally and intellectually.Yet, I am finding that I am not whole unless I give away the control I hold in my private life to my Master.Reaching deeper within myself to the core of who I am.
Its funny in a way, because I thought I had a pretty good idea of what real submission was.I looked to all the activities that I had engaged in, and thought of those things as proof of my submission.Recently, something happened with my Master that pretty much blew all of that right out of the water.I
was being disciplined for failure to realize that by not communicating
with him, I was showing him that I wasnt thinking of him, and only
considering my own needs.I didnt realize that.I
truly didnt. I did not complete an assignment, and the reasons I did
not were valid... yet, rather than telling him of those reasons and
explaining why I was unable to complete his instructions, I simply
waited for him to ask.Thereby
giving the impression that I didnt care that the assignment was not
completed. Which was far and away opposite of what I truly felt, but
didnt realize just how it appeared.
During his rather unique way of
disciplining me (He doesnt tell me what Ive done wrong, rather, responds
in a way guaranteed to cause me to think and feel -- struggling with
the concepts until they are clear, and THEN helping me to understand
even more clearly), I, for the first time, truly -- mind and soul --
surrendered to him.I gave up everything.I cannot describe what happened to me other than saying it was an epiphany. I had submitted to him many times before, but it was always a bit of a struggle.This time, it simply came.All control was given to him, and he took that control and then gave it back to me in a way I cannot describe.
Later, I began to put the pieces together, and began to understand more fully this concept of submissive slavery. I knew that I was slave to him.There
was never any doubt of that in my heart or mind, but I wasnt able to
actualize the concept beyond the feeling of what that meant to me.
Complete emotional surrender.That is, I think, the crux of the submissive slave.Its not about the activities, rather, it is all about the emotions.Surrendering, not submitting.Giving
up that tightly held kernel of emotional control, and allowing someone
else -- ones dominant -- to take that gift onto themselves, and then
give it back.Stronger and deeper than ever before.
This raises the question of dependence.Does it mean now that the submissive is dependent upon his/her master/mistress?To the degree that there is interdependence within most relationships, yes.But
in this context, it is not necessarily dependence as a form of clinging
-- an unhealthy aspect -- but surrender. A good dominant will take that
surrender... as a gift... and then give it back as strength -- allowing
the submissive slave to become stronger in who she is... and who she
serves. The entire time... using
that surrender to move deeper... and open doors that have been locked
tight... with steel walls protecting a bruised soul.
Dependence can become unhealthy when it becomes a manic grip borne of fear and insecurity on either part.If
a person (submissive or dominant) feels that they have to hold on, in
order not to lose what they have, then something is missing -- most
likely real trust. In a submissive, it might be categorized as clinging in a dominant, it could be viewed as manipulation.
~realizing I have rambled, once again, away from the initial thoughts returning to them~
So, having said all that, lets go back to the difference between submissive and slave, hmm?Honestly,
I think (and this is my own definition) that a submissive can be a
slave under the right set of circumstances, to the right dominant for
him/her.Not all want to be slave, nor should anyone expect this of themselves or of another.I
believe it is a naturally occurring movement from submissive to slave
under certain circumstances that only occurs when all the pieces come
together in certain ways.
A slave holds a mindset of total
obedience and control, and submits within those guidelines to a
dominant, and in the case of Gorean slaves, submits to any dominant (the
Gorean philosophy gives the impression that slaves are simply chattel,
not much different than any expensive livestock). A submissive only
submits to those she/he chooses to submit to -- on any level, and only
under agreed upon activities/time.A
submissive slave may not wish to give up control over every aspect of
their lives, wishing to maintain some sense of identity and
independence, but goes deeper inside to that place of total surrender.
This is not to say that any of
these types are better, or a higher form of submission than the others,
only that there are different ways to look at the common labels.I
usually dont like using labels, but there are times when they are
useful to give a general idea of a concept or idea, and help clarify
ones own ideas and thoughts.
And at the end of this rather
rambling article, it all boils down to this: A slave is one who feels,
inside, that they are slave to their "One" no matter the activities and
permutations that brings that revelation about. That is all that really
needs to be said.
A Master's love for his sub runs deep, and is earned and gives with
A/all his heart. He earns the trust of the person becoming his sub.
T/they grow T/together in a relationship that will take T/them into a
lifestyle where T/they work to please the other. This process starts
with a courting time period where the Master and the prospective sub get
to know each O/other and learn about each other. The time frame is as
long as T/they wish it to be which is for as long as they are T/together
in the relationship. Once the trust of the sub has been given to the
Master freely, then they progress into the relationship. Learning what
the others limits are and T/their wants, needs, and desires.
Then in time those limits and desires are pushed slowly and gently. Some
Master's may push harder than others but get the same results in time.
The Master works with the sub shaping him/her to becoming a good
submissive. It takes time and does not happen overnight like some would
like to believe. It could take weeks or months depending on how much
T/they want to get into the lifestyle of BDSM, (Bondage &
Discipline/ Sadomasochism). Some will come into this lifestyle and use
some of the techniques just to spice up their sexual lifestyle. While
O/others will make a lifestyle out of it, and embrace it and learn more
about the BDSM lifestyle so few talk about.
As a Master you can learn from other Master's that have been in the
lifestyle and know things that will either help guide you or things you
can use or just chalk up as comments. Some things that you can learn as a
Master from your sub is what he/she is into and is willing to do by
doing a BDSM partner checklist. The checklist will help you both in
finding what the other is willing to learn and do. The time you both
spend learning T/together and being honest and open with each O/other
will greatly enhance your relationship.
As a Master I am constantly learning with my submissive. W/we have an
open and honest relationship and it grows with each passing day. As it
can happen to those new to the lifestyle and that want to learn and grow
in something new. In time the relationship will grow and you B/both
will become closer and you will learn new things and grow T/together. It
is a challenge to B/both of you to push each O/other's limits and test
each O/other on different ideas and things that you both want to do and
learn.
Once the trust has been developed and grows then the relationship will
progress and you will be able to do different things. The main thing to
remember is that BDSM is to be safe, sane and consensual between both
parties. Having a safe word helps and also having negotiations also
helps with the learning process. A submissive is a person and not a
doormat to walk on. T/they are human and should be treated as such.
Submission to a Master is a gift and given freely. IT is earned and
respected by the Master/Top.
Some confuse a Top/DOM when talking about the BDSM lifestyle. They think
the two are the same when in truth the two are very different. A Top is
someone who is an active partner in a scene, or someone who enjoys the
dominant role in a S/M scene. A DOM is someone who has been given
control and who has earned the trust and respect of his submissive. He
has taken the time to learn about what the sub missive's limits are and
how far he can push them.
The DOM is also a person who the submissive lets into their mind and
push their buttons to see what limits can be pushed. But being either a
DOM/Top it must be safe, sane and consensual so that neither person
involved gets hurt. That is the main thing in the lifestyle that people
need to think about, Am I a Top? Or a DOM? Sometimes people mix the two
or think that one is the other.
Speaking on safety in the BDSM lifestyle it is always a good idea to
have a safe word. A safe word is a word the submissive says when things
get to a point he/she is not comfortable with. The safe word can be
anything from (someone's name, to some color,) or something that will
stop the action and that has been agreed upon by both parties in
advance. So please use a safe word when involved in a scene or whatever
is going on at the time.
Most times in a BDSM relationship a contract is written up between the
DOM and submissive. This contract lays out the groundwork for the
relationship and what is expected from the DOM and submissive. Some are
basic and simple and then some get really in-depth and specific as to
what the submissive will do for the DOM. The DOM usually writes up the
contract on things that are important to the relationship and that the
DOM and submissive have talked about and agree on.
Everything that I have been writing about are the things I have learned
in my experience in BDSM. I am still learning to this day as a Master
and growing with my submissive. I am very happy with my submissive and
love and care for her very much. In time things will grow and will
progress as W/we try different things and push our limits. This short
writing is about things I have learned and want to pass onto O/others
that would want to try the BDSM lifestyle for either heightened sexual
pleasure or they want to incorporate into their lives in some way.
In conclusion to this writing, I would wish you A/all a very healthy and
fun time in whichever part of the lifestyle you get into and pursue. Be
safe, sane, and consensual in the decision you decide. The lifestyle is
not for everyone and you may just use some of it to spice up your
sexual activity. Always keep love and trust and respect foremost in
A/all your hearts and minds. Be Well and Safe.
