LOVE ADVICE FOR ROMANTIC UNDER-ACHIEVERS BY G.HIPSTER
Love Advice for Romantic Under-achievers
Winners of the 10th
Annual
Love Made Me Stupid Award
If you just happen to
be holding a few shares in the Hallmark Greeting Card Company, you my friend are
in luck. It appears the pentagram you
burned in the front yard, and the accompanying satanic ritual you held to manifest
more loot for your luggage, is finally paying up. My clandestine source (who most days reclines on the steps of 14 Wall Street) just tipped me off
that the company's stock just went gunshot.
This cheery swab of investor's intelligence can mean only one
thing. That's right kids, it's
Valentines Day. A genuinely magical time
for those who have hooked up with their soul mates. These fortunate targets of cupid's eagle eye,
celebrate with heartfelt exchanges of flowers, expensive gift sets of Godiva chocolates,
and endearing yet nauseating public displays of affection. Conversely, those with nobody to love them at
all, achieve new, super-human levels of envious jealousy and resentment. Understandably, they all hate you. It's true and you know it. The lonely hate those in love. Especially on February
14.
Around here, Valentines Day has been ceremoniously renamed and is subsequently celebrated as Love
Made Me Stupid Day. And I swear on my
dead bookie's cadaver, that nothing this side of Mulholland Drive tickles my
third and fifth vertebrae more than excavating the historical archives of
correspondence I amass all year. Like a
non-medicated hyperactive child running amok in the mall, I diligently search
for trinkets of the romantically dimwitted to re-print for your cynical
amusement. This year, two people I
attempted to help privately, honor the Love Made Me Stupid Award. When you read their letters, it will be easy
to see why they are this years undisputed winners.
Dear Black Guy,
I am hoping you can help me. I met an incredible woman at an explosives
convention about a year ago and we have been dating ever since. She is a former runway model who now manages
a non-profit organization that helps other models get off heroin and back to just
smoking weed. Mr. Black, she is an
utterly fantastic woman that I hope to marry one day. However, there is a catch. I have done some very bad things I am not too
proud of. If Gwen were to know about my past,
I am afraid she will stop loving me and leave.
Yet, I feel to keep it from her is completely dishonest. Mr. Black, I am absolutely nuts about this divine
creature and I don't think I could live without her. Hell, I don't want to live without her!
Call me Mr. X
Dear Mr. X,
Damn bro, what do you do, sit around in your 99-cent
store knickers, and listen to stupid country and western love songs all day? You lived without her for 42 years already. Get a grip for Christ sake! Of course, it is dishonest to keep secrets
from the woman of your dreams. On the
other hand, if you had sex with her sister, knocked her up, and subsequently
addicted to crack, well, its best to keep that to yourself; least you wind -up
like that Bobbitt kid... But here's what
I want to know... What could you have possibly
done so morally wrong that a rational person would not forgive you for?
Note: Why did I ask that question?
Dear Big Black Guy,
Forgive me for being so vague about the history of
my misgivings. Over the years, I have
grown to be a reserved and a justifiably paranoid man. I will attempt explain.
All my life I have been a compulsive liar and a brazen
criminal. As a child, I made a killing
selling lies and excuses to other kids to use on their unsuspecting parents. I was hell-bound to join the worse gangs and hung
out with all manner of hoodlums. As a
result, I stole and stripped-down my first car at the age of 12. During my teen years, I specialized in identity
theft and credit card fraud. I tried my
hand at pimping for a while but I was too sensitive for that line of work. I always gave the girls my cut. What can I say; I got a weak spot for hoes. My
point here is: Gwen thinks I am the most morally upstanding person she has
ever met. How will I tell Gwen I plan to
have Al Goldstein as the best man at our wedding?
I went to Yale on a curling scholarship, but I had
my pick of Ivy League schools because I effortlessly managed a 4.0 average
since pre-school. With an I.Q. of 198 however,
comes the teeming luxury of having time to engage in recreation on the devils playground. And take part I did. In due course, I realized my true life's
calling was not any particular vocation.
So long as my chosen line of work was dishonest or against the law, I would
ultimately be happy. Mr. Black Guy, how
will Gwen feel when she knows that it just kills me to earn an honest living?
Though I found school boring, I discovered the
university atmosphere perfect for learning the fine art of falsifying records,
extortion, and blackmail. I shamelessly rigged
student elections, forged thousands financial documents and even fixed the ballots
so my girlfriend was voted home coming queen...
And if I had the chance, I'd do the same thing for Gwen.
After college, I went to work for The State
Department in a general investigative division.
This is where the sky-scraping cost of higher education truly paid off. Because I spoke fluent German, Swahili, Russian,
Mandarin, French, Italian, Portuguese, Farsi, and Esperanto I was a perfect CIA
candidate.
I spent a year in academy training. But I took up bomb making on my own, ya know,
as a way to meet girls. After the academy,
I was dispatched to Russia
under the guise of being a graduate student.
My real assignment was spying on a Russian diplomat and scientist who it
turned out was innocent of all wrongdoing.
That is, until he met me. Not
only did I rope him into illegal arms dealing, I pocketed nearly all of the
money. Since I was still technically on duty
to conduct surveillance on him, I set the poor guy up in a sting and he was
sentenced to life
I was let go of active duty but still on payroll
for several years. The Feds wanted to
know who and what I knew. Of course, the
nitwits never just came out and asked me.
Instead, they had about a dozed different G-men tail me for three years. They finally threw up their hands on the mission
because the agents kept having fatal "accidents" on the job. I know they were accidents because my good friend
Salvatore "Johnny Shoes" Bommarito from Bensonhurst, who specializes in "accidents",
told me so. During that time, I was
living in Midwood Brooklyn. My first
order of business was to get cozy with the Russian-mafia. Boris Krashikov became a great friend who I
loved right up until the moment he lost a friendly game of Russian Roulette. Boris was sort
of a lawyer who helped you find ways of getting around the law. At his funeral, I met the beautiful and
captivating Xenia Petrovsky. She was an illegal
Russian immigrant who made her living by translating subversive underground
erotic fiction from English into Russian then selling it on the black market. We dated for a year and got married in St Peter's
Square on Valentines Day. Within minutes
of the ceremony, Xenia
was arrested by the secret police and has not been heard from since.
Back in the states and alone again, I moved to
D.C. and tried my hand again at pimping.
Only this time I was determined to do it right and quickly discovered
that politicians are the best customers.
They pay whatever you ask and are easily shaken done for hush money. In fact, I got my start-up capital from respected
congressional representative who ultimately found 250 G's was a small price to
pay for keeping his cross-dressing secrets out of the public eye. Mr. Black, there really is no sweeter
marriage than prostitution and blackmail.
Those were the good old days. But
I will never be able to share these sweet memories with my lovely Gwen.
Nowadays I am retired from most criminal activity. I have an honest tax-paying job. I work for a computer ad agency by day. I moonlight at night by creating and selling
internet viruses and infectious computer worms.
Gone are the days of pilfering 11 million bucks from a bank in Oslo. And I really do miss weapons running. There is a warm fuzzy feeling you get when
you sell an AK747 that is almost romantic.
It is not unlike the high one has when you get to say: "Well
congressman, what did you think of the tape?"
Sometimes I think about going back to flying. Well, not flying per-se. But, ya know, finding ways of
bilking the airlines for millions of dollars.
That is how I stumbled onto the flight insurance game. The money was superb, but I got out of the
industry because it was too risky. I
mean, one plane goes down and I was out on my ass. I sold the business to an Arab sheik who gave
the company to his son as a gift for graduating from of the Wharton School. Three weeks later, a jet crashed taking out
an entire family whose policy collectively was worth 198.9 million. The company went bankrupt and I'm told the
kid was so humiliated by his failure he joined the Taliban.
Mr. Black, I can't tell Gwen that I invent pop-up
ads for a living. Much less, my
obsession with stripers, porn stars, and smoking the chronic everyday. I feel sorry for the kid because she will
never know the spiritual high one gets from flat-out robbing a person blind.
But here's
the problem. I have never been caught at
anything. I'm as clean as a whistle. I have made millions of tax-free dollars and
never been audited or questioned. If I
do confess to Gwen, it could possibly be a subconscious way of punishing myself. Ya know if it doesn't work out. Dear Big Black Guy, what do I do?
Mr. X
Dear X,
I religiously believe and have always recommend
couples being 100% brutally honesty with each other, no matter how dire the
consequences. But not here. In your case, I vehemently recommend unyielding,
brutal dishonesty! I cannot stress this enough: nothing good
will come from telling the truth in this potentially disastrous matter. Let's face it, deceit is how, and why your
life works ...period! If you start being good,
responsible, and trustworthy now, you are only doing it to please her. How long do you think a relationship can last
when you deny who and what you really are? And for Christ sake, put your thinking cap on
man. If, god forbid, you lovebirds ever broke-up,
she would be able to black mail you for years until you could safely bump her
off. Mr. X, I am telling you, man to man,
brother to brother, do not let this angel of yours know about your past. Lie, lie, and keep lying damn it!
Three
weeks later, I received a certified letter from a young woman with a similar
problem.
Dear Big Black Guy,
I have been dating a highly intelligent, charming,
kind man for close to a year and I believe we were made for each other. He is honest, honorable, and so innocent I'll
bet he's still a democrat. He is unique however. Kind of a sexy mix between Mr. Rogers and
Kevin Bacon. I like that in a man. I know he's about to pop the question but I
feel horrible because he doesn't know the real me. I have been a spy for the CIA since graduating
Yale at 19. And trust me; I'm no Valerie
Plame either. I carry a Smith and Wesson
99 mm handgun, a German Lugar, a derringer, two switchblades, noon chucks, brace knuckles, tesor and
stun guns, a mini crossbow, a blowgun, mace, smoke bombs, and my hands are registered
lethal weapons. I fronted as a model while
traveling the world as a secret agent. I
retired from the runway but still conduct surveillance on suspected subversives
here in the states. Damn the Patriot
Act. Presently I pose as a caseworker to help models on drugs, but being a spy
is my passion and of course my real career.
Arnold has no idea about any of this and I am afraid I
will have to tell him because I have been offered a job in Washington.
The assignment is tracking a man who used to be an agent and slipped
threw the governments fingertips. Naturally,
I would be traveling a lot and but I also don't want to leave him. Long distance relationships are hard enough,
but with traveling, spying and lying all the time, I think is a bit more than I
can handle. But I love him so much. Mr. Black, I am torn. - Ms G
Dear Ms G,
If you love this poor man, do not take this job,
and by no means do you tell him what your real work is. Being what he believes you to be is the only
salvation of your relationship. On this
one, you just have to trust me.
Notice I
am again recommending dishonesty.
[Final letter
from Mr. X.]
Dear Big Black Guy.
I know it has ages since I last contacted you, but
frankly, I have been too embarrassed to write.
All i can say is: Mister, I should have listened to you all along. Gwen got a job offer in Washington but would not tell me what it was. I found this odd and extremely frustrating. Even after relentless badgering, she would not
divulge what it was. I turned blue with anger and grew so desperate that I lost
all sense of reason and wound up telling her about my past. Literally everything. At first, she didn't believe me and stormed
out in a huff. A half hour later, she
returned and asked me to repeat the whole story again in detail. Little did I know, she was wearing a wire and
the Feds were right outside in five unmarked white vans. I was arrested on the spot and charged with treason,
international espionage, mail-fraud, embezzlement, forgery, income tax evasion,
the list went on forever. Interestingly,
they never found out about my selling weed.
Gwen came to my trial everyday and cried her heart out as she had come
to regret turning me in. I was convicted
of 89 felonies and given four consecutive life sentences. I am illegible for parole in May 3007, but
Gwen promises to wait for me.
So you see Mr. Black, if you will show me one
final dignity; I request to be honored as winner of the Love Made Me Stupid
Award of this year. I am confident your
readers will agree that I am the stupidest man alive.
Dear Mr. X.
Indeed you are.
Sir, you are hereby awared with honors!
Thank you. Stay in touch.
Just Ask: The
Big Black Guy and all contents in the
collection titled You Always Hurt the One You Love is protected under the law
by the United States Copyright office.
Any publication, public performance, duplication or recording is
prohibited without the written permission of the author Gaz O'Connor. Copyright 2005
About Me
Thanks to imagefap this boy found Eve1776. As the song goes: "It's A Love Thang"
I am a comedian, literary humorist and visual artist whose caption art exist to glorify sexual involvement and to be pleasing to the eye. This was best explained to me by my good friend Greg: "Nobody is hurt or humiliated, dumped, abused, everybody is happy! “So, I am asking nicely. Please do not ask me to do captions where someone is degraded or abused in any way. That is the opposite of everything I am trying to do.
Please visit monicasprivates, Nick Carraway and belac1.
FAP FAN: promlover IS MY HERO!!! The work I am most proud of is the caption-art series: KrissyKlimax with Kristenrob. I hope to one day do more with her. Thank you for perusing my work.
The Complete Idiots Guide To The World’s Stupidest Sex Fetishes
The Complete Idiots Guide To The World's Stupidest Sex Fetishes
by
Gaz
Where on earth do I find the right to pontificate about what everyday folks do to get their freak on? Generally, I do not practice nor condone dashing indiscriminately to judgment. Heavens to Betsy, most of my friends are 100% first-class weirdoes. Nevertheless; I fancy not knowing what they do to get their kink-fix.
A fetish is something that presents sexual gratification to someone that normally doesn't bestow bawdy pleasure to his next door neighbor. People who indulge in sexual fetishes are by and large accepted by society; because most folks are far too embarrassed or just plain sensible enough not to expose their fetishes.
Yet, people still tell you things you never wanted to know. Sure, I think your current girlfriends' feet are gorgeous. And I too am fond of Bosco. However licking chocolate syrup from those dainty toes of hers is a delight I can't share with you, or your girlfriend. Foot and food fetishes however, are not at all unusual these days. And hardly stupid. So what constitutes a stupid fetish?
A stupid fetish is one that you personally find to be absolutely sick. It is no more complicated than that. If it makes you want to wretch, it's stupid. As anyone who has seen, or even heard of Two Girls One Cup can attest. Yet there are fetishes, though not as gross, are nonetheless equally bewildering to comprehend.
Adult Babies. Let's pretend you don't know what that is. Imagine you and your sweetie dressing up as infants, adopting baby names and subsequently playing together in a cusom-made adult-sized playpen. Goo-goo, gaga, where's the thrill? Yet, millions of people indulge in these activities every single day. Most of these folks are honest, hardworking, educated, professionals; who have children of their own. So, whose toys do you think they play with? Frankly if I was a kid and mommy or daddy got something all over my brand new Teddy Bear®, I'd be bust into a temper tantrum so bad the neighbors would call CPS. Are you listening Senator Chimpinhaus?
Ponyplay is hard for normal people to understand because most people who love horses still don't want to be one, or even pretend to be one for that matter. My research on the matter revealed that people into pony-play don't have a particular affection for horse at all. Few even own them. The thing that make this fetish particularly difficult to embrace is, one person has to have the fetish of being the pony and the other has to be equally turned on by riding a... (Cough) human pony. Is this stupid? Remember, you're the judge.
Researching stupid fetishes is much more difficult than I could have imagined. Many things I personally find to be utterly bizarre still don't classify as stupid these days. For example, my heart bleeds for amputees. However, I don't know if I should applaud or be vexed by them manufacturing porn. I've met a lot of strange people in my day. But I have never known anyone who even had a slight interest in this. But, there is still time.
If you think these are kooky, think of the ones we have not yet seen. Here's my short list.:
Cell phone fetishes. Many guys have sneaker and smoking fetishes. Even balloon fetishes. I once saw a picture of sexy girl smoking while wearing sneakers and holding a balloon. Can you only imagine how much that turned some guy on? Throw in a cell phone; you just might have a mess on your hands.
Fishing. Huh? But wait, picture a hot babe in a bikini or nothing at all fighting to bring in a marlin. Pant, pant, pant. In all fairness, as far as guys are concerned, a hot babe in a bikini doing anything warrants rapid heart palpitations
Spitting. I recently found out that there are thousands of perfectly normal guys out there who get their rocks off on watching a girl spit. Now, if they get off on being spit upon, I think we could then bring up the stupid question.
Weather fetish. This is the one I am waiting to see. I just know there is some couple out there who gets turned on by thunder storms. They have to love hurricane season.
Given enough time, dozens of these unknown fetishes will not only pop-up, but will soon be considered not weird at all. Like I said, there is still time.
Greg watched as
Tania rifled threw her purse pulling out various items he could not get a clear
look at. Instead of straining for vision, he became transfixed by her overall
seductiveness. He long ago gave up trying to figure out why beautiful woman
smoking turned him on so much. And this turned him on even more because she was
a tranny but in a million years you never would have guess it. But there she
was, innocently going threw her purse and smoking with a full erection that
poked threw her skintight black dress.
"Honey,
are you against toys?"
"Kinda
depends on the toys. I never played with dolls. But if I had to do it all over
again..."
"Adult
toys sweetie."
"Who's
against adult toys?"
"The
same people who are against peace, love and happiness." She then pulled out
several dildos."
"Let
me guess, you want to..."
"No,
baby, all I want you to do is choosing one and insert it in your butt while you
jack off. Am I asking too much?"
"You
know, you could save us both some time.."
"Why?
I'm probably staying the whole night." She said. She took out one about eight
inches and licked it, and then she tossed it to him. She motioned for him to
put It in. at this point she could have told him to yodel in Spanish and he
would have done it.
"Does
that feel good baby? Yeah, I can see it does."
"You
do know you can probably get me to do anything."
"That's
the kind of man I like." She tossed him
some KY and he began the comfortable duty of stroking his cock. She had him
move to the bed and she paced the room back and forth in her nosy heels,
smoking with one hand and sipping wine with the other. And it was then he
noticed that she has also slipped on a pair of black opera gloves. The visual
sight alone had him out of his mind.
His
cock was now his enemy. He swore to it: if you come I'll cut you off. But that
didn't seem to matter to Mr. Johnson.
"Sweetie,
slow down. We got all night. Stroke it slowly. Nice and slow. But don't take
your eyes off of me. Look at me baby. Look at this girl you have already seduced.
Look at my hard cock. I can't keep it down baby. And with every second more and
more cum is building up inside my nut sack. After a while, I'll have blue balls
baby. You know how god-awful that is. Slowly, yeah that's it. Are you thinking
of my cock? Are you thinking the sane thing I am thinking? I sure fucking hope
so. Because all I can think about is how much I want to see that beautiful
mouth of your around my cock. I am simply dying to dump a gallon of girl-cum
down your throat."
Greg
was losing it. He couldn't even speak he was so fighting to not cum. Even
stroking his cock slowly didn't help. Tania noticed.
"Greg
baby, let go of your cock. Don't touch it at all. I'm gonna make you come now.
You ready?"
"Without
..."
"No
touching baby. Not even by me. Okay, here we go. After you swallow all my cum,
and I know you're the kind of guy who swallows, I am going to turn you over and
kick your legs open wide. I will not be gentle at all. I am going to take you
Greg. I mean I am going to ass fuck you like a little bitch. I'm going to
stroke your cock so wonderfully while I pound your ass you won't believe it.
And you know you want this too baby. Don't you? You know you do. You are
looking at my cock now torn between wanting to suck it and having it up your
ass."
Greg's
cock now had a mind of its own and didn't need touching of any kind. It
throbbed hard and repeatedly like it never has before. It was the most intense
erection he had ever had. He felt light headed.
"When
I say the word, you're go into come. Watch."
"What's
the word?"
"The
word is....NOW!" And with that he shot out a stream of cum so hard it knocked the
glass of wine out of her hand.. He reached for his cock but she stopped him.
"Let it happen naturally baby. Look at all that cum. I can't wait to have that
in my pussy." She said massaging his balls as even more came out. She opened
her mouth and like a juggler caught nearly every drop. She licked it off her
face and then kissed him sticking her tongue way down his throat. Greg was
spent. He passed out on the bed in exhaustion.
All
was right in his world as he reveled in the most intense orgasm of his life.
Then, Tania's phone rand. She gave it a causal glance but when she noticed the
number she rushed to open it up.
"Jane,
oh my god, what's going on? Uh huh, yeah, I see, no way. No fucking way. Are
you fucking serious? I cannot fucking believe this. Oh hell yeah baby, I'll be
there tomorrow. No, I'm serious. I'm getting on a flight tonight. I'll call you
tomorrow after the deal. No, thanks Janie, I love you." she turned to Greg and
jumped for joy.
"Greg,
my wish has just come true. But unfortunately I have to leave...now."
"What?
Wait what's going on?"
"I
found a buyer for my restaurants. Uh, I own three bistros in New York City and I have been trying to sell
them for five years. Well these developers want to buy all three. I gotta fly
to New York
tomorrow to sign the deal. Oh my god, finally out of the godamn food
business.:"
"New York? Tomorrow?"
"Yes."
"Can
I go with you?"
"What?"
"I
want to come with you. My best bud lives there. I gotta place to stay."
"A
place to say. Are you drunk? If you come with me to the big apple you are
staying with me damn it."
Greg was a hard working guy until
he hit lotto. Then he became a self-admitted pot head. All of his friends
wanted to know what he was going to do with the 45 million dollars he had just
won. His answer was the same at every inquiry.
"I quit my job, I am taking one
year off to paint. All I intend to do is paint and smoke weed all day everyday
for a whole year." This usually gets a; ‘no, but seriously' response. Except
Greg was dead-serious. "Look, I have no fucking idea what to do with that much
money. So I am taking a year off from life to figure out just what I want to
do. In the mean time all I plan to do is paint all day long. And be really high
when I do it."
The more detailed plan went as
follows: 1.Wake up at 2:00pm, 2. Eat, 3. Workout for two hours and then begin painting
abstract art and smoking weed the rest of the day. His comedian friend flew
down from NYC and helped him find a 10,000 square foot loft and buy every
possible bit of art supplies he could need.
"Gaz, you gotta help me find the
best chronic I can get." As they shopped for loft spaces.
"Dude, I'm so gonna put you in my
act. I'm just warning you."
Gaz has people all over the country
and made a call to a girl in LA. She told him she knew of a girl right in Greg's
town who was the best underground dealer this side of the Mississippi. Gaz decided to go meet this young
woman before even telling Greg.
He drove to the address and called
her number from outside.
"Adrienne told me about you years
ago. I'm looking forward to meeting you. come on in."
"Gaz walked into what looked like a
coffee shop. Except there were no customers. He was greeted by a tall, thin but
fit blonde woman with striking blue eyes. She was smoking American spirits; his
brand.
"Adrienne assured me you were
totally trust-worthy so I assume your friend is too. So, what does he want?"
"Well Tania, he would like....how do
I put this?, my friend wants to be able to smoke an ounce a day for one year.
He plans on not leaving the house for a very long time."
"That's going to cost him."
"That is the least of his worries."
"Does he like sex? I mean, does he
really like sex?"
"Tania, this is the horniest man I
ever met. I mean, if I was into men I would fuck him."
"Really? Way cool. What's his
address? This is a man I gotta meet."
The next day she arrived at Greg's
new loft / studio / apartment and tried to explain it to him.
"Greg, sweetie, this weed is like
an aphrodisiac and Viagra rolled into one." She said packing the bowl for him. "It
will make you unbearably horny."
"I'm unbearably
horny just looking at you. Damn, I mean you no disrespect, but girlfriend you
are the finest chick I have seen in a long, long time. Please tell me you're
single."
"I'm not. But on the
other hand, I refuse to only have one lover. All the men and especially the
chicks I am sleeping with know that. Here, smoke up." Greg took the pipe and a
hit. Instantly he got higher than he had ever been and his cock was too."
"Goddamn, are you
sure this shit isn't treated?"
"You get shot trying
to sell laced weed Greg. No, this is pure..."
"Here, have a hit."
"Oh know you don't. If
I do I'll never leave here."
"Why is that?"
"Cause I already
want to fuck you. If I hit this shit, I'll fuck you blind. And besides, I don't
have sex with customers."
Hearing
this Greg grabbed his wallet, pulled out fifty grand cash and handed it to her.
"There,
I am no longer a customer. Have dinner with me tonight."
"Oh..."
She said counting the money. "kay, I'll be back tonight with your pot. But this
will only buy you ten pounds."
"Dinner
is at eight...here."
"Good,
I hate restaurants. I own three, so you can see why."
He
called his friend who was already at the airport awaiting a light to go home.
"Gaz,
yo bro, godamn why didn't you tell me this bitch was so fucking fine. Gaz, this
weed, it makes you so horny."
"Yeah
I know. And I knew you would like it. Uh, Greg, about this girl..."
"Yeah,
I know she doesn't date customers."
"no,
its not that. She..."
"oh
bro I know she is fucking other people. Shit, so am i."
"naw,
it ain;t that. Bro listen to me."
"I'm having dinner
with her tonight."
"Greg,
damn bro, listen to me."
"I
gotta go. She's here. Have a nice flight ma nigga. Hit me up when you get back."
And he hung up.
Greg
opened the door and Tania appeared. If he thought she looked good before, now
he was mind-blown. She stood an inch taller than him in her patent leather stilettos.
Her tanned shoulders were barley covered by the spaghetti strap-black mini-dress
she barley wore. She smelled of Fracas, his favorite perfume and she held in
her hand a bottle of Chateaunuef du Pape. And of course a large handbag full of
pot. Greg was still in his workout cloths.
"You're
early. I didn't get a chance to shower yet." He said.
"I
planned it that way. Can I come in?" she said walking right past him. "Wow,
nice loft. No furniture yet?"
"Only
the bed."
"I
guess we better go to the bed room then."
Then
went in the bedroom. She sat cross legged and he sat on the floor."
"So
Greg, what did you do about the state of horniness you were in this afternoon?"
"What
do you think I did?"
"I
know you jacked off. I'm just sorry I missed it."
"Missed
it?"
"Yes,
I have a thing about watching men jack off. I don't know. When ever I see a hot
guy I always wonder what it would be like to see him wank-off."
"Wait,
you don't think about sleeping with him?"
"Of
course. But, I have to see a guy pull on his shit in front of me first. I mean
to have a smoke and watch a guy come; now that's a good time." She then pulled
out a blunt the size of a real cigar. She let it, took a deep drag and then
another and then another. Then she passed it to Greg. "I made a guy come once
by just talking to him. He didn't touch his cock once and nor did I. but he came like a fucking river."
"Tania,
what are you trying to do to me?"
"Get
you so hot that you won't turn me down."
"And
why on earth would I turn you down?"
"Because
a lot of guys are freaked out by a girl like me."
"A
girl like you? they're assholes. Any man that wouldn't want you is stupid or
dead."
"No,
just paranoid usually."
"So
what? Now you're also scary?"
"Greg,
I want to tell you something."
"Me
too. But you go first."
"I
can see your erection."
"And
I apologize for that. But I do have an excuse."
Dangerous Anti-Birth Control Efforts Pending Send
a message to your Congress members today, urging them to vote down any
effort to restrict contraceptive coverage in health care.
Crazy Train Headed Off the Rails Over Birth Control
NOW
President Terry O'Neill writes on Huffington Post: "Despite President
Obama's accommodating move last week, conservative leaders are hurtling
along in their attempt to restrict birth control. They've gained a
righteous head of steam so quickly they don't seem to care that they're
about to careen off the tracks."
Announcing NOW Foundation's 2012 Love Your Body Poster Contest Winners! Check
out the winners of the 2012 Love Your Body poster contest. Eighth
grader Francesa Spruiell is this year's grand prize winner. You can send
all four designs as e-cards and learn about entering the 2013 contest
yourself.
Restaurant Industry Must End Pay Discrimination, Sexual Harassment of Tipped Worker
A
report released Feb. 13 at a congressional briefing by the Restaurant
Workers Opportunities Centers and 11 major women's organizations,
including NOW Foundation, provides in shocking detail the poor working
conditions and poverty level wages paid to tipped restaurant workers,
two thirds of whom are women.
VAWA 2012 Passes Out of Committee, NOW Continues 20-Year Commitment to Landmark Bill
NOW
was an early proponent of the first Violence Against Women Act, holding
a rally on Capitol Hill in 1995 that brought together tens of thousands
of activists to demand full funding for the bill. The act must be
reauthorized every five years, so 20 years later feminists are still
rallying for VAWA.
Violence Against Women Act Needs Your Immediate Action VAWA
2011 was passed by the Senate Judiciary Committee on Feb. 2. Next comes
the full Senate vote. Right now, 38 senators are co-sponsors, but we
need 60 to assure final passage. Call your senators ASAP to make sure
they are on board before the floor vote. Take action NOW!
Jean-Michel Basquiat was born in Brooklyn, New York, the first of three children to Matilde Andrades (July 28, 1934 - November 17, 2008)[2] and Gerard Basquiat (born 1930).[3] He had two younger sisters: Lisane, born in 1964, and Jeanine, born in 1967.[2]
His father, Gerard Basquiat, was born in Port-au-Prince, Haiti, and his mother, Matilde Basquiat, was of Puerto Rican descent, born in Brooklyn, New York.[3][4] Basquiat was a precocious child who learned how to read and write by age four and was a gifted artist.[5]
His teachers noticed his artistic abilities, and his mother encouraged
her son's artistic talent. By the age of eleven, Basquiat could fluently
speak, read, and write French, Spanish, and English.[3][5]
In September 1968, Basquiat was hit by a car while playing in the
street. His arm was broken and he suffered several internal injuries,
and eventually underwent a splenectomy.[6] His parents separated that year and he and his sisters were raised by their father.[3][7] The family resided in Boerum Hill, Brooklyn, for five years, then moved to San Juan, Puerto Rico in 1974. After two years, they returned to New York City.[8]
At 15, Basquiat ran away from home.[3][9] He slept on park benches in Washington Square Park, and was arrested and returned to the care of his father within a week.[3][10]
Basquiat dropped out of Edward R. Murrow High School
in the tenth grade. His father banished him from the household and
Basquiat stayed with friends in Brooklyn. He supported himself by
selling T-shirts and homemade post cards. He also worked at the Unique
Clothing Warehouse in West Broadway, Manhattan.[3]
In 1976, Basquiat and friends Al Diaz and Shannon Dawson began spray-painting graffiti on buildings in Lower Manhattan, working under the pseudonym SAMO.
The designs featured inscribed messages such as "Plush safe he think..
SAMO" and "SAMO as an escape clause." On December 11, 1978, the Village Voice published an article about the graffiti.[11] The SAMO project ended with the epitaph "SAMO IS DEAD," inscribed on the walls of SoHo buildings in 1979.[12]
In 1979, Basquiat appeared on the live public-access televisioncable TV show TV Party hosted by Glenn O'Brien,
and the two started a friendship. Basquiat made regular appearances on
the show over the next few years. That same year, Basquiat formed the noise rock band Gray with Shannon Dawson, Michael Holman, Nick Taylor, Wayne Clifford and Vincent Gallo. Gray performed at nightclubs such as Max's Kansas City, CBGB, Hurrah, and the Mudd Club. In 1980, Basquiat starred in O'Brien's independent filmDowntown 81, originally titled New York Beat. That same year, O'Brien introduced Basquiat to Andy Warhol, with whom he later collaborated. The film featured some of Gray's recordings on its soundtrack.[13] Basquiat also appeared in the Blondie music video "Rapture" as a nightclub disc jockey.[14]
In June 1980, Basquiat participated in The Times Square Show, a multi-artist exhibition sponsored by Collaborative Projects Incorporated (Colab) and Fashion Moda. In 1981, Rene Ricard published "The Radiant Child" in Artforum magazine,[15] which brought Basquiat to the attention of the art world.
In late 1981, he joined the Annina Nosei gallery in SoHo. By 1982,
Basquiat was showing regularly alongside other Neo-expressionist artists
including Julian Schnabel, David Salle, Francesco Clemente, and Enzo Cucchi. He was represented in Los Angeles by the Larry Gagosian gallery and throughout Europe by Bruno Bischofberger. He briefly dated then-aspiring performer, Madonna, in late 1982. That same year, Basquiat also worked briefly with musician and artist David Bowie.
In 1983, Basquiat produced a 12"rap single featuring hip-hop artists, Rammellzee and K-Rob. Billed as Rammellzee vs. K-Rob, the single contained two versions of the same track: Beat Bop on side one with vocals and Beat Bop on side two as an instrumental.[16]
The single was pressed in limited quantities on the one-off Tartown
Record Company label. The single's cover featured Basquiat's artwork
making the pressing highly desirable among both record and art
collectors.
Basquiat often painted in expensive Armani suits and would even appear in public in the same paint-splattered suits.[17][page needed][18]
By 1986, Basquiat had left the Annina Nosei gallery, and was showing in the famous Mary Boone gallery in SoHo. On February 10, 1986, he appeared on the cover of The New York Times Magazine in a feature entitled "New Art, New Money: The Marketing of an American Artist".[19] He was a successful artist in this period, but his growing heroin addiction began to interfere with his personal relationships.
When Andy Warhol died on February 22, 1987, Basquiat became increasingly isolated, and his heroin addiction and depression grew more severe.[12] Despite an attempt at sobriety during a trip to Maui, Hawaii, Basquiat died on August 12, 1988, of a heroin overdose at his art studio in Great Jones Street in New York City's NoHo neighborhood. He was 27.[12][20]
Continuing his activities as a graffiti artist, Basquiat often
incorporated words into his paintings. Before his career as a painter
began, he produced punk-inspired postcards for sale on the street, and
became known for the political-poetical graffiti under the name of SAMO.
On one occasion Basquiat painted his girlfriend's dress with the words
"Little Shit Brown". He would often draw on random objects and surfaces,
including other people's property.
The conjunction of various media is an integral element of Basquiat's
art. His paintings are typically covered with text and codes of all
kinds: words, letters, numerals, pictograms, logos, map symbols,
diagrams and more.[21]
A middle period from late 1982 to 1985 featured multi-panel paintings
and individual canvases with exposed stretcher bars, the surface dense
with writing, collage and imagery. The years 1984-85 were also the main
period of the Basquiat-Warhol collaborations, even if, in general, they
weren't very well received by the critics.
A major reference source used by Basquiat throughout his career was the book Gray's Anatomy,
which his mother gave to him while in the hospital at age seven. It
remained influential in his depictions of internal human anatomy, and in
its mixture of image and text. Other major sources were Henry Dreyfuss
Symbol Sourcebook, Leonardo Da Vinci's notebooks, and Brentjes African Rock Art.
Basquiat doodled
often and some of his later pieces exhibited this; they were often
colored pencil on paper with a loose, spontaneous, and dirty style much
like his paintings. His work across all mediums display a child-like
fascination with the process of creating.[22]
According to Andrea Frohne, Basquiat's 1983 painting "Untitled
(History of the Black People)" "reclaims Egyptians as African and
subverts the concept of ancient Egypt as the cradle of Western
Civilization".[23] At the center of the painting, Basquiat depicts an Egyptian boat being guided down the Nile River by Osiris, the Egyptian god of the dead.[24]
On the right panel of the painting appear the words "Esclave, Slave,
Esclave". Two letters of the word "Nile" are crossed out and Frohne
suggests that, "The letters that are wiped out and scribbled over
perhaps reflect the acts of historians who have conveniently forgotten
that Egyptians were black and blacks were enslaved."[24] On the left panel of the painting Basquiat, has illustrated two Nubian style masks. The Nubians historically were darker in skin color, and were considered to be slaves by the Egyptian people.[25] Throughout the rest of the painting, images of the Atlantic slave trade are juxtaposed with images of the Egyptian slave trade centuries before.[25] The sickle in the center panel is a direct reference to the slave trade in the United States,
and slave labor under the plantation system. The word "salt" that
appears on the right panel of the work refers to the Atlantic Slave
Trade, as salt was another important commodity to be traded at that
time.[25]
Another of Basquiat's pieces, "Irony of Negro Policeman" (1981), is intended to illustrate how African-Americans have been controlled by a predominantly Caucasian
society. Basquiat sought to portray how complicit African-Americans
have become with the "institutionalized forms of whiteness and corrupt
white regimes of power" years after the Jim Crow era had ended.[25]
Basquiat found the concept of a "Negro policeman" utterly ironic. It
would seem that this policeman should sympathize with his black friends,
family and ancestors, yet instead he was there to enforce the rules
designed by "white society." The Negro policeman had "black skin but
wore a white mask". In the painting, Basquiat depicted the policeman as
large in order to suggest an "excessive and totalizing power", but made
the policeman's body fragmented and broken.[26]
The hat that frames the head of the Negro policeman resembles a cage,
and represents how constrained the independent perceptions of
African-American's were at the time, and how constrained the policeman's
own perceptions were within white society. Basquiat drew upon his
Haitian heritage by painting a hat that resembles the top hat associated
with the Haitian trickster lwa, leader of the Gede family of lwas and guardian of death and the dead in vodou.[26]
The first retrospective was the "Jean-Michel Basquiat" exhibition at the Whitney Museum of American Art from October 1992 to February 1993. It subsequently traveled to museums in Texas, Iowa, and Alabama from 1993 to 1994. The catalog for this exhibition,[27]
edited by Richard Marshall and including several essays of differing
styles, was a groundbreaking piece of scholarship into Basquiat's work
and still a major source. Another influential showing was the "Basquiat"
exhibition at the Brooklyn Museum March-June 2005 (which subsequently
traveled to Los Angeles and Houston from 2005 to 2006).[28]
Until 2002, the highest money paid for an original work of Basquiat's was US$3,302,500, set on November 12, 1998 at Christie's. On May 14, 2002, Basquiat's Profit I (a large piece measuring 86.5"/220 cm by 157.5"/400 cm), owned by drummer Lars Ulrich of the heavy metal band Metallica, was set for auction again at Christie's. It sold for US$5,509,500.[29] The proceedings of the auction are documented in the film Some Kind of Monster.
On November 12, 2008, at another auction at Christie's, Ulrich sold a 1982 Basquiat piece, Untitled (Boxer), for US$13,522,500 to an anonymous telephone bidder.[30] The record price for a Basquiat painting was made on May 15, 2007, when an untitled Basquiat work from 1981 sold at Sotheby's in New York for US$14.6 million.[31]
In 1996, seven years after his death, a biopic titled Basquiat was released, directed by Julian Schnabel, with actor Jeffrey Wright
playing Basquiat. David Bowie played the part of Andy Warhol. Schnabel
purchased the rights to the project after being interviewed, as a
personal acquaintance of Basquiat, during its script development and
realizing that he could do a better film.[32]
In 1991, poet Kevin Young produced a book, To Repel Ghosts,
a compendium of 117 poems relating to Basquiat's life, individual
paintings, and social themes found in the artist's work. He published a
"remix" of the book in 2005.[33]
In 2005, poet M.K. Asante, Jr. published the poem "SAMO," dedicated to Basquiat, in his book Beautiful. And Ugly Too.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender - Is your basic Transgender 101 resource. If you have any questions about what Transgender means please check this page out.
http://www.susans.org/
- A great all around resource to the transgender community. I've found
lots of useful information on this site in the past and have even
ventured into their chat rooms from time to time; which are highly
monitored and surprisingly non-sleezy.
TS Roadmap
- Yet another great all around resource for getting started on your
transition. I used this page a TON when I was starting out with my
transition and I know it helped me out. It also gave me some good
resources when searching for a surgeon for my orchiectomy.
Grishno - What list of links wouldn't be complete without a little self promotion.
http://blicksbags.com/ - Mina (aka BlickBlocks on youtube)
has been working hard on getting her tote bag company off the ground. I
highly recommend checking out what she can do and maybe even purchasing
a bag.
Transgender Voice - CandiFLA
on youtube has compiled a pretty decent group of videos on the MTF
voice. If you're interested in improving your voice or are just
starting with it I'd definitely recommend giving this a quick look.
Gender Voice - A new social networking site put on by and for the transgender community.
If you know a page that you think I should be linking to please let me know by emailing me
HERE .
-- Melbourne, Australia
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 1:00-5:00 PM
at the Grattan Gardens Community Center (Community Hall)
40 Grattan St.
Prahran, Australia
-- Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 1:30 - 4:30 pm
at The Old Y
223 12 Avenue SW
Calgary, AB
-- Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Will hold a memorial for the Transgender Day of Remembrance
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 7-9 pm
at the McDougall United Church, 10086-101 Street
Edmonton, AB
-- Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
Sunday November 20, 2011 2pm - 4 pm
1206-6 Ave S (Lethbridge HIV Connection)
Along with an opportunity to remember lives lost due to transhobia and violence,
there will be a round table discussion on issues of safety and violence for trans people.
Contact: info@outreachsa.ca or www.outreachsa.ca
-- Nelson, British Columbia, Canada
Will be holding a Trans Day of Remembrance Memorial
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 5-6 pm
at the corner of Ward and Baker streets.
-- Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 5:30-8:30 pm
March begins at The Carnegie Community Center.
401 Main St. (corner of Main & Hastings) (Vancouver)
SFU Harbour Centre - 515 West Hastings St. (Vancouver)
http://www.sfu.ca/mecs/harbour+centre/
(between Richards & Seymour)
Segal Room - back of the main floor of the building.
(past the escalators to the left)
Room # 1400/1410
-- Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
The Nova Scotia Rainbow Action Project
Will be hosting a Transgender Day of Remembrance vigil
on Sunday 20th from 7.00-9.00pm. doors opening at 6.30pm.
At Veith House ( 3115 Veith St., Halifax Nova Scotia )
There will be Guest Speakers, Reading of the Names and a Social after.
All are Welcome
Contact: Regina Lohnes at tdor.hlfx@gmail.com
-- Sackville, New Brunswick, Canada
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance
on Saturday, November 19, 2011 at 7:00 pm
at the Mount Allison University Chapel
[15 Salem Street, Sackville, New Brunswick, Canada]
Join us for a candlelight vigil, followed by a screening of
" A Girl Like Me: The Gwen Araujo Story", hosted by Catalyst,
Mt.A's Queer Straight Trans Alliance and Activist Society.
Staff, students, faculty, and community members are welcome.
For more information, please contact Amelia at catalyst@mta.ca
-- Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
On Monday, November 21, 2011
There will be a candlelight vigil at the University Pride
Center.
For more information conact: Emily Striker emilystriker87@gmail.com
-- Guelph, Ontario, Canada
Monday, November 21st, 7:30pm
At Out On The Shelf, 141 Woolwich St, Unit 106
Presented by the paTio trans support group
For more information contact thepatiogroup@gmail.com
-- Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Will be hosting a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011, 7 p.m. - 8 p.m.
Human Right's Monument (Elgin and Lisgar)
for more info: http://themenace.transcommunity.ca/#tdorottawa
https://www.facebook.com/events/176848085733100/
-- Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Will be hosting a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Friday, November 18th from 7:00 - 9:00 PM
At the 519 Church Street Community Centre (at 519 Church St.)
Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
For more information, please contact Morgan at mpage@the519.org
-- Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Will be hosting a Transgender Day of Remembrance event on
Monday, November 28th from 6:30 - 8:30 PM
At the William Doo Auditorium, 45 Willcocks st.
Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
Contact: tig.action.toronto@gmail.com
-- Montreal, Quebec, Canada
On va avoir une rassemblement pour la Journée du souvenir trans
le dimanche 20 novembre, de 15h à 16h30, au square Berri près du coin
des rues Sainte-Catherine et Berri.
Will be holding a Trans Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20th, from 3 pm to 4:30 pm at Berri Square, near
the corner of Sainte-Catherine and Berri streets.
On va avoir une rassemblement pour la Journée du souvenir trans
le dimanche 20 novembre, de 15h à 16h30, au square Berri près du coin
des rues Sainte-Catherine et Berri.
https://www.facebook.com/events/201164813294154/
-- Hong Kong SAR
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 4:00-6:00 PM
at the BMCF
Blessed Minority Christian Fellowship
Sheung Wan, Hong Kong
http://www.facebook.com/groups/bmcf.official/
-- Helsinki, Finland
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 4 PM to 6.30 PM
at Mannerheiminaukio 2 (Kiasma square), Helsinki
-- Nantes, France
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Friday, November 18, 2011 at 6:15 pm
Place du Commerce, 44000 Nantes
-- Athens, Greece
Will be hosting a 2 days Transgender Day of Remembrance event on
Saturday, November 19th & Sunday, November 20th from 17:00 - 21:00
At the Cultural Center of the Municipality of Athens, "Antonis Tritsis" Auditorium.
Greek Transgendered Support Association.
Details: http://www.transgender-association.gr/,
Contact: transgender.support.association@gmail.com
-- Pune, Maharashtra, India
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Saturday, November 19, 2011 from 4:30-7:00 PM
Open Space
B - 301, 2nd Floor, Kanchanjunga Building, Kanchan Lane,
Off Law College Road, Near Krishna Dining Hall
Pune 411 004
-- Belfast, Northern Ireland
Will hold a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
On Fri.18th November at 7.30pm
at Oysters in the Black Box, Hill St. Belfast
-- Tel Aviv - Jaffa, Israel
Will hold a march and memorial for the Transgender Day of Remembrance
on Saturday, November 19
March starts at 8pm from Nahmani corner of Rothschild Blv. (The Bar-Noar)
and will end with a memorial event from 9pm-10:30pm
at the LGBT Center at Gan Meir, Tchernehovski 22, Tel Aviv - Jaffa
-- Genova, Italy
we will have a two parts TDOR on 20th november: first in
Piazza De Ferrari at 5.30 pm with a picket and leaflet distribution, and then
the traditional candlelight c/o Comunità di San Benedetto al Porto at 9.00 pm.
The organizer is LGBT association "Genovagaya", address for contacts
and info is ninfegenova@yahoo.it and the site that as soon as possible will be
updated for the memorial is www.genovagaya.it
-- Rome, Italy
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remebrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 5.00 p.m.
at Piazza Montecitorio, Rome
There will be a Candle Light and a Reading
https://www.facebook.com/groups/255347277809082/
Fore more information: sel.queer@gmail.com
-- Auckland, New Zealand
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on November 29th at St Matthews in the City in Auckland New Zealand at 7pm til 9pm.
Those that are interested please contact Hannah Rossiter via email at hannahrossiter@gmail.com
-- Christchurch City, New Zealand
will be holding Transgender Day of Rememberance event
on the 29th of November
at Te Whare Puakitanga/Transition House,
the home of Agender Christchurch and the National Office of Agender NZ.
If you would like to come along, contact Cherise president@agender.org.nz
-- Hamilton, New Zealand
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event.
On Sunday, November 20th we meet at 7pm at the Riff-Raff statue,
Victoria Street for the 13th Annual Transgender Day of Remembrance.
Agender Waikato and Hamilton Pride invite you to join us in taking a
stand against violence, bullying and discrimination. Feel free to
bring candles, flowers, knitted things or kind words to show your
concern and support.
Thanks to the webcam at the statue, the Hamilton commemoration will be
broadcast world-wide at
After the Remembrance, we will head over to Metropolis. Everyone is welcome.
-- Manila, Philippines
Society of Transsexual Women of the Philippines (STRAP)
Candle-lighting and reading of stories of the dead
20 November 2011
Isis International
#3 Marunong St., Bgy. Central, Quezon City
Metro Manila, Philippines
-- Katowice, Poland
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 7:00 PM
Milck Club
ul. Damrota 6
For more information: andrzej.grochowski@teczowka.org.pl
-- Warsaw, Poland
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
On Sunday, November 20, 2011
There will be a candlelight vigil near to the Rotunda in the centre of
city (on the corner of Marszalkowska Street and Aleje Jerozolimskie).
For more information please contact: Marcin Rzeczkowski marcin.rzeczkowski@transfuzja.org
There is a facebook event created for this: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=310001769028554.
-- Brighton, England
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday November 20th 3-5pm
at Dorset Gardens Methodist Church,
Dorset Gardens, Kemptown, Brighton. UK
All invited to help remember those people amongst our
global trans community whose lives were ended by murder.
-- Croydon, Surrey, UK
On Saturday, from 2pm join us by the trans flag, in the Clocktower Cafe, Katharine Street, Croydon. (Lunch optional.)
At 3pm go to the Trans Day of Remembrance display on the first floor of
the Central Library, Katharine Street - also in the same building - for
the ceremony of Remembrance.
3.15pm walk to The Bird in Hand, 48 Sydenham Road.
3.45pm Private showing* of Jane Anderson's film "Normal", starring Tom Wilkinson and Jessica Lange.
7pm to 9pm Socialise over a buffet meal*.
(There will be a display for the Trans Day of Remembrance on the first
floor of the Central Library, Katharine Street, from Monday 14th to
Saturday 19th November.
During that week spring bulbs will be planted in central Croydon, to
brighten the town centre and as a living memorial to trans victims.)
* Phone in to book for these events on 07827 397817.
-- Coventry, United Kingdom
Warwick University will be hosting a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on November 20, 2011 (time TBA)
There will be a candlelit vigil in the piazza, to remember those we have
lost to anti-transgender hate or prejudice.
Check here for more info: http://home.warwickpride.org/2011/10/trans-day-of-remembrance/
-- London, England
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 4:30 pm
at The 52 Club,
Bonham Carter House,
52 Gower Street,
London
WC1E 6EB
-- Liverpool, Merseyside, UK
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday 20th November at 6pm for a 6.30pm start.
St Brides is on Percy Street in Liverpool, Merseyside, UK.
All welcome.
For more information either e-mail open.table@yahoo.co.uk or see the event notice on Facebook:
-- Manchester, England, UK
will be holding a Transgender Day Of Remembrance Vigil
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 3.45pm
in Sackville Park (off Canal Street, Manchester)
There will be a candlelit minute's silence and reading of the names of
the deceased by the Beacon of Hope and will last for approximately one
hour. All are welcome; feel free to bring a candle, flowers or another
appropriate tribute.
-- Amsetrdam, Netherlands
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Saturday, November 19, 2011
details TBA.
-- Edinburgh, Scotland
We will be marking Transgender Day of Remembrance on Saturday 19th November from 2-4pm
at the LGBT Centre for Health and Wellbeing, 9 Howe Street, Edinburgh, EH3 6TE.
We will be reading names and lighting candles.
There will also be a chance to make a creative, personal contribution during the event.
Please contact Jules on 0131 523 1104 or jules@lgbthealth.org.uk by Wednesday 16th November
if you'd like to write a poem to read out during the event.
This will help us plan the event, which will take place during our monthly transgender
social gathering which starts at 1pm on the third Saturday of each month.
-- Edinburgh, Scotland
will hold a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday 20th November at the 11:00 am service
at Augustine United Church at 41 George IV Bridge,
ALL welcome. Come along and remember.
-- Ankara, Turkey
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/2144560/455531160/name/Pembe+Hayat+TDOR+Events+-+First+Announcement..pdf
-- Lake Havasu City, Arizona, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on 20 November, 2011 from 5:30-7:30
London Bridge Beach Park
1340 McCulloch Boulevard North
Lake Havasu City, AZ
WALK OF LIGHT VIGIL:
{Participants will gather in Rotary Park at 4:30 PM}
Observers are invited to gather at London Bridge Beach Park to witness
our Walk Of Light Vigil as it progresses from Rotary Park, North along
the channel, and over the London Bridge; ending at London Bridge Beach
Park.
moriam/
-- Phoenix, Arizona, USA
There will be a Native American Transgender Day of Remembrance
on November 20, 2011 from 6am to 8am.
In the Native American Traditions, the beginning of the day at
Sunrise marks the beginning of things for the day to bring.
The event will include Native American Opening Prayer and a Closing Prayer.
There will be a Native American flute player, as the names of Native American
Transgender individuals who were murdered will be read.
The event will include Native American speakers and singers.
-- Phoenix, Arizona, USA
will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance vigil
on Sunday, November 20th, 2011 at 5:00 pm
at Wesley Bolin Plaza (opposite the capitol) on the east side of the park.
Free parking will still be provided at the 1700 Washington Street entrance.
Security will be provided by the State Capitol Police and Phoenix City Police.
-- Tucson, Arizona, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance vigil
on Saturday, November 19 beginning at UA fountain with
speakers and a reading of the names, we will then proceed
down 4th Ave and gather at Wingspan.
Made for Flight will be marching in the All Souls Procession on Sunday, Nov 6 in Tucson.
Meet at Casa Libre (228 North 4th Ave) at 5pm.
For information on Tucson's transgender awareness week, visit one of these websites: www.sagatucson.org, www.wingspan.org www.madeforflight.blogspot.com http://pride.asua.arizona.edu/pride/Welcome.html
-- Conway, Arkansas, USA
Hendrix College will be hosting a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, at 7:00 pm at the Labyrinth on the Hendrix campus
-- Bakersfield, California, USA
will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011
Details will be announced shortly
-- Chico, California, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Tuesday, November 15, 2011
at Sylvester's lounge on CSUC
3:00-7:00 Community tabling & information
3:30-5:30 Documentary: She's a Boy I Knew
5:30-7:00 Trans+ panel presentation
7:00-8:00 Reading of names and candlelight
vigil with Rev. Jim Peck
For more information please contact: Aydin Kennedy aydinkennedy@gmail.com
-- Humboldt County, California, USA
Will be holding Transgender Day of Remembrance events
on Saturday, November 19, 2011 at 3:00 PM
at the Eureka Courthouse where the Eureka Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence present:
"Transcending the Veil"- This ritual is to work to heal the spiritual wounds that
the murders, suicides and general violence within the Trans community has caused.
AND
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 5:00 pm
at the Eureka Courthouse at 5 pm
Candles will be provided
for a list of week long events: https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=268037856566463
-- Long Beach, CA, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event on Friday, November 11, 2011 from 6:00pm-7:00pm
at First Congregational Church of Long Beach. There will be a reading of
names and lighting of candles followed by a procession through Downtown
Long Beach.
For more information, please contact Steve Vaughn (volunteervaughn@gmail.com)
-- West Hollywood/Los Angeles, California, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day Of Remembrance march and memorial program
On Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 1:00 p.m.
At Plummer Park
7377 Santa Monica Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90046
For more information and updates, please see the event page at...
-- Oakland, California, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Friday, November 18, 2011
at Preservation Park, Oakland, CA.
Doors will open at 7 PM and the event will start at 7:30,
end at 9:30 and is free and open to the community.
-- Oceanside, California, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 6:00-8:30PM
at the Oceanside Civic Plaza
300 North Coast Hwy.
Oceanside, CA
by the reflecting pool
Contact Info: Morgana morgana_mlodoch@yahoo.com
-- Palm Springs, California, USA
will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20 at 4:30 PM
in the Fellowship Hall at the United Methodist Church,
1555 East Alejo Road, Palm Springs, CA
(between Sunrise Way and Avenida Caballeros)
-- Riverside, California, USA
Will be hosting a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 2:00 PM
First Congregational Church of Riverside (UCC) and Safe Haven Community Christian Church,
both are very welcoming to people all people will be hosting an all inclusive,
non-religious TDOR Event in Downtown Riverside at 3504 Mission Inn St. (at Lemon),
Riverside CA 92501.
For more info., contact: Eva-Genevieve! evagenevieve@yahoo.com
-- Riverside, California, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event from November
18 - 23, 2011 at the University of California, Riverside. The Lesbian Gay
Bisexual Transgender Resource Center (LGBTRC) honors the 13th Annual
National Transgender Day of Remembrance (Nov. 20) with a display memorial to
commemorate each of the 400+ known victims of transgender related violence.
This memorial will be posted outside of the Highlander Union Building all week.
The LGBTRC (245 Costo Hall) will have more information available about transgender
identities. We invite everyone to come check out this powerful display
against hatred and violence.
For more information visit our website: www.out.ucr.edu
=31
-- Sacramento, California, USA
Will hold its Annual Transgender Day of Remembrance Candlelight Vigil
on Saturday, November 19, 2011 at 6:30 pm
at Trinity Episcopal Cathedral, 2620 Capitol Ave
Sacramento, California.
For more information visit http://www.sacgender.org/tdor
-- San Francisco, California, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Friday, November 18, 2011 7:30 pm - 9:00 pm
Jewish communities around the world + A Special Service
at Congregation Sha'ar Zahav
290 Dolores Street, San Francisco.
For more information: http://www.jewishfed.org/event/13th-international-transgender-day-remembrance-1
-- Santa Ana, California, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 7:00pm - 9:00pm
at the Christ Chapel Metropolitan Community Church
720 N Spurgeon St
Santa Ana, CA
We will have a slideshow presentation, live music, candle lighting, and refreshments.
There will be a candlelit procession and vigil following the program.
-- Santa Barbara, California, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 6:00 - 6:30 pm
at the Archway, Sunken Gardens, Santa Barbara County Courthouse
(downtown Santa Barbara, on Anapamu Street between Anacapa and Santa Barbara Streets.)
-- San Jose, California, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance Candlelight Service
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 484 E.San Fernando St. San Jose CA 95112
For more information visit: www.mccsj.org
-- Santa Rosa, California, USA
will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 5:30 pm
at Positive Images 312 Chinn St., Santa Rosa, CA.
We will meet around 5:30 at Positive Images and weather permitting will
walk approx. 2 blocks to Breast Cancer Survivors Park (Hope Street
between 4th and 5th Streets) at 6p.m. for a candlelight vigil. If the
weather is bad we will stay at PI. We will furnish candles with holders
and information on transgender people who have died in the past year to
read and memorialize.
-- Stockton, California, USA
Will be hosting a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 7:00 pm
at Temple Israel, 5105 N. El Dorado at March Lane
Stockton, California.
For more information Contact Elena Kelly at elena.kelly@comcast.net
-- Denver, Colorado
The Gender Identity Center
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 7:00 pm
at The Jefferson Unitarian Church (JUC)
14350 W. 32nd Avenue
Golden, CO 80401
-- Denver, Colorado, USA
The Auraria campus GLBT Student Services Office will be hold a transgender day of remembrance event
on November 14th in the Tivoli Multicultural Lounge from 10am to 4pm with a reading of the names at 2pm.
The address is:
900 Auraria Parkway
Denver, CO 80204
-- Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 5pm
All Souls Unitarian Universalist Church
730 N. Tejon St. (Corner of Tejon & Dale)
Colorado Springs, CO 80903
The observance will include a candlelight vigil with a reading of the names.
There will be refreshments.
contact: Peak Area Gender Expressions (PAGE) cospage@gmail.com
-- Fort Collins, Colorado, USA
The Lambda Community Center will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Saturday, November 19th
at the Poudre River Arts Center from 7pm to 10pm.
-- Hartford, Connecticut, USA
will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 5:15 - 7:00 PM
5:15 p.m.: Walk from the Charter Oak Culture (21 Charter Oak Avenue, Hartford, CT) to the Hartford Library
5:30 p.m.: Name-reading, vigil and rally for strength and hope. In front
of the Hartford library (500 Main Street Hartford, CT), we will read
the names of transgender people we've lost to violence and bias and hear
inspiring words from members of the transgender and ally communities.
7 p.m.: Program of Remembrance. Hartford Metropolitan Community Church (155 Wyllys Street, Hartford).
[Colt Memorial Parish House of the Good Shepherd Episcopal Church]
-- Washington, DC, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday November 20th at 5 p.m.
at the Metropolitan Community Church of Washington
474 Ridge Street NW
Washington, DC 20001
Transgender Health Empowerment (http://www.theincdc.org/)
-- Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Saturday, November 19, 2011 at 6:00 pm
at the Sunshine Cathedral
1480 SW 9th avenue
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
-- Jacksonville, Florida, USA
will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 7:00 pm
at the University of Florida student union
Contact the UNF LGBT Resource center for more information
at unflgbt@unf.edu
-- Port Charlotte, Florida, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday November 20, 2011
at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Charlotte County,
1532 Forrest Nelson Blvd, Port Charlotte, FL
For info, contact Gene Maresca : GeneMMaresca@aol.com
-- St. Petersburg, Florida, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday November 20, 2011 from 5:00 - 7:00 pm
Metro Wellness and Community Center
3251 3rd Ave N
St Petersburg Fl 33713
-- Tallahassee, Florida, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
On Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 3:00-6:00 PM
Community Room at the AmTrak Station
918 ½ Railroad Ave
-- Tampa, Florida, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
On Sunday, November 13, 2011
at the Metropolitan Community Church of Tampa at 10:30am during Sunday Worship
located at 408 E Cayuga St., Tampa, FL. 33603
-- Athens, Georgia, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Monday, November 14, 2011 from 10:00am-3:00pm
at the LGBT Resource Center at the University of Georgia in Athens
where there will be a display memorializing those who have been lost
this year and in past years.
Location: Tate Plaza, 45 Baxter St, Athens, Ga
www.facebook.com/uga.lgbtrc
-- Boise, Idaho, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance candlelight vigil
at the Idaho Anne Frank Human Rights Memorial from 6 to 7 p.m.
on Sunday Nov. 20th.
The public is welcome and hot cider will be provided.
-- Moscow, Idaho, USA
will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance
on Thursday, November 17, 2011 at 5:00 pm.
in Friendship Square.
The remembrance will be a candlelight vigil, with a reading of names,
For more information, visit our facebook event.
http://www.facebook.com/events/256868541026875/
-- Alton, Illinois, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
On Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 1:00 - 4:00
at the First Unitarian Church Alton Illinois
(near St. Louis) 110 East 3d
street Alton Illinois 62002
-- Chicago, Illinois, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Friday, November 18, 2011
at the Congregation Or Chadash will include the names on
the memorial list when we recite Kaddish at Friday evening Shabbat services, at 8:00 pm.
5959 N. Sheridan Road, Chicago
-- Chicago, Illinois, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
On Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 6:00 pm
There will be a gather on Halstead, one block north of Addison,
in the heart of the GLBT community, as aChurch4me MCC hosts a
community candlight vigil. All are invited to line the street,
light a candle, read names, and pray together.
For more information contact Pastor Rachelle at pastor.rachelle@achurch4me.org.
-- Chicago, Illinois, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20th at 7:00 pm
at the Euclid Avenue United Methodist Church
in the sanctuary.
-- DeKalb, Illinois, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Tuesday November 22, 2011
on the Northern Illinois University Campus.
From 12:00PM to 1:00PM, join us at the Diversions Lounge in the Holmes Student Center for Trans 101
From 5:00PM to 5:35PM, there will be a candlelight vigil and memorial in the MLK Commons.
From 5:45PM to 7:00PM, we will move inside to the Illinois Room in the
Holmes Student Center for a reception and Open Mic. The microphone will
be open to any individual wishing to share a personal narrative, or
story or poem relating to acceptance, or the overcoming of adversity,
discrimination, or hatred.
This event is open to the public and we invite everyone to attend and
help us remember and memorialize our dead, as well as help us hope and
strive for a better future. For more information, contact the LGBT
Resource Center at LGBT@NIU.edu
-- Naperville, Illinois, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 2:00 pm
We will have a candlelight vigil, read names, and pray.
All faiths welcome.
Hope United Church of Christ
1701 Quincy, Unit 27
Naperville IL
For more information contact Cindi Knox at tdor@cindiknox.com
or Hope UCC at hope@sharehope.org
-- Indianapolis, Indiana, USA
will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Saturday, November 19, 2011 at 6:00-8:00 PM
The Basile Opera Center
4011 N Pennsylvania St
-- Lafayette, Indiana, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Tuesday, November 15, 2011
at the Purdue University Campus
The observance will begin with a candlelight vigil at 6pm
on Tuesday, November 15, continuing with a standing display
that will remain on Purdue's Memorial Mall until 5pm on the 16th.
If you would like more information, you can visit the Facebook page for this event
(https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=171333089624578)
-- Baton Rouge, Louisiana, USA
will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance
on Thursday, 17 November 2011 at 1800 (6:00pm) CST
at the Baton Rouge Unitarian Universalist Church
(8470 Goodwin Boulevard, Baton Rouge, LA)
For more information and updates, please see the event notice at
-- New Orleans, Louisiana, USA
The Transgender Day of Remembrance event will be
on Sunday, 11/20.
Begin gathering at the LGBT Community Center at 3pm. Around 3:30,
we will march to Washington Square Park for a service to remember
those who died from gender identity related violence. At the
conclusion of the reading of the names, we will march back to
the LGBT Community Center for refreshments and conversation.
-- Shreveport, Louisiana, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 3:00 PM
at the All Souls Unitarian Universalist Church (9449 Ellerbe Road, 71106)
Open to the public. We will move indoors for inclement weather.
-- Baltimore, Maryland, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 6:00 - 8:00 pm
at the First Unitarian Church of Baltimore
12 W. Franklin Street, Baltimore, MD 21201
Organized by First Unitarian Church of Baltimore, Interweave
and the Transgender Response Team, this memorial event includes:
An Interfaith Memorial Service; the Reading of the Names, and a
Candle lighting Ceremony. Transgender people of faith and their
allies provide focus and leadership for this event.
-- Hagerstown, Maryland, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance vigil
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 5:00 pm
in downtown Hagerstown on the corner of Potomac and Washington streets.
Contact: TerriLeeTG@yahoo.com
-- Montgomery County, Maryland, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 5:30 to 7 pm
at New Creation Baptist Church,
11005 Dayton Street, Wheaton, Maryland 20902
For more information contact: Angela angelaemaloney@gmail.com
-- Boston, Massachusetts, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20 at the Cathedral of St Paul, 138 Tremont St
(at Park St T stop), Boston.
The annual observance, will include inspirational speakers,
community SpeakOut, candlelight vigil, and hot apple cider
with snacks and camaraderie afterwards.
For more information on Boston's Transgender Awareness Week, please visit
MTPC's website at: http://www.masstpc.org/events/taw/
-- Chelmsford, Massachusetts USA
will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance Vigil
on Saturday, November 19, 7-8 PM
at the First Parish Unitarian Universalist,
2 Westford Street in Chelmsford, MA on the town common.
-- Lowell, Massachusetts, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Thursday, November 17, 2011 at 6:30 pm
at City Hall in Lowell, MA. We will kick off a candlelight vigil that
will take us to the University of Massachusetts Lowell Inn and
Conference Center.
The event is open to the public and is the first TDOR event in Lowell.
For more information email Daniel Basil Hamilton at Daniel@centerforhopehealing.org
-- Northampton, Massachusetts, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 5:30-7pm
Candle-lit vigil begins at 5:30 at First Churches (129 Main St., Northampton, MA)
Rally begins at conclusion of vigil at 6pm at the Unitarian Society of
Northampton and Florence (220 Main St., Northampton, MA). Community
reception to follow.
For more information, email: Northamptontdor@gmail.com
This event is a TDOR for the Pioneer Valley
-- Springfield, Massachusetts, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Friday, November 18th from 6-9pm
at 3300 Main Sr, Springfield.
Park in the back, enter in the back
FMI email Deja @ dejavudeja@sbcglobal.net
-- Worcester, Massachusetts, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 7:30-8:30 pm
at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Worcester, 90 Holden St.
in the Sanctuary, with informal discussion to follow in the Lounge.
This memorial service honors those who lost their lives as a result
of anti-transgender discrimination and violence. We will share music,
spiritual readings, the reading of the names of the dead, and conversation
about how to shape a world that embraces all of who we are.
For more information, please contact:
Peter Ringo at plcfreeman@yahoo.com or Amy Mason at amason1980@yahoo.com.
-- Ann Arbor, Michigan, USA
The University of Michigan Spectrum Center will be hosting a Transgender
Day of Remembrance event on Thursday, November 17, 2011 from 8:00pm to
10:00pm in the Michigan Union, Pendleton Room. The address is: 520 S.
State Street, Michigan Union #2640, Ann Arbor, MI 48109.
For more information contact spectrumcenter@umich.edu or visit: http://spectrumcenter.umich.edu/
-- Detroit, Michigan, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
On Friday, November 18. 2011
The doors will be open at 6:30 pm. and the ceremony starts at 7:00 pm
at the Central United Methodist Church, 23 East Adams Detroit, Michigan.
-- Grand Rapids Michigan,USA
Will be hosting a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
On Sunday, November 20 at 6:00 PM
at the Plymouth UCC, 4010 Kalamazoo Ave SE
Grand Rapids Michigan, 49508
-- Allendale, Michigan, USA
There will be be Transgender day of Remembrance vigil
at Grand Valley State University
on Wednesday, November 17 at 8pm
at GVSU's clock tower.
-- Marquette, Michigan, USA
will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance vigil
on Sunday, November 20, 7PM
at the Meditation Room located in the Don H. Bottum University Center.
The Meditation room is located on the first floor,
between the radio station and the Wells Fargo branch.
Here is a map to the University Center: http://g.co/maps/vah7w
-- Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 7:00 pm
at Spirit of the Lakes/Minnehaha United Churches of Christ in Minneapolis
The church building is located at 4001 38th Avenue South in Minneapolis.
The building in handicap accessible with gender neutral bathrooms.
For more information contact Barbara Satin at satinbarbara@aol.com
-- Kansas City, Missouri
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on November 20th 2011
4pm to 5pm
held at St. Mark Hope and Peace Lutheran Church
3800 Troost Ave
Kansas City MO 64109
-- St. Louis, Missouri, USA
Will be hosting a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20th
at the Epiphany U.C.C located at 2911 McNair ave.
The service will start at 7pm. There will be speakers and the reading the names.
There will be a Dinner following the Service and fellowship time.
-- Anaconda, Montana, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 7:00 PM
at the First Presbyterian Church,
4th and Main
Anaconda, Montana
Contact info: sf_dawnne@yahoo.com
-- Billings, Montana, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Saturday Nov 19,2011 at 6:00 pm
at the Bethlehem Lutheran Church
40 10th Street West
Billings,MT 59105
An evening to gather to remember those we have lost with those we love.
-- Bozeman, Montana, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Monday, November 21, 2011 at 7:00 pm
at the Montana State University SUB, Room 233, Bozeman, Montana
Brief Description: A time to remember those from the transgender
community who have lost their lives due to intolerance and hatred.
This will be a simple observance with an opening statement about
why we are gathered, a reading of names of the victims in 2011,
a moment of silence and a candlelight vigil. We ask attendees
to bring tea-light candles and lighters if they have have them.
-- Las Vegas, Nevada, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Friday, November 18, 2011 from 7:00 - 10:00 PM
Please join The Center and many other community organizations
at the UNLV Student Union, 2nd Floor, Hall A & B, 4505 S Maryland
Parkway, for the 13th Annual Transgender Day of Remembrance Vigil.
Call Jamie Lee Sprague at (702) 420-1294 for additional details.
-- Concord, New Hampshire, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Saturday, November 19, 2011 · 5:00pm - 7:00pm
at the South Congregational Church, UCC 27 Pleasant Street Concord, NH 03301
This event is free and open to the public. For more information or to RSVP contact us at nhtranscoalition@gmail.com
-- Durham, New Hampshire, USA
will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Tuesday, November 15, 2011
at the University of New Hampshire
Transgender Day of Remembrance Speak-Out, Candlelight Vigil and Reception:
7:00-9:00 PM in MUB Theatre I, Union Oval and Office of Multicultural Student Affairs
Part of Gender Identities Awareness (GIA) Week at UNH. Full schedule is viewable here:
http://www.tgnh.org/id10.html
-- Brunswick, New Jersey, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Monday, November 21, 2011 from 5:00-6:30 pm
at Rutgers University- Outdoors Candlelight vigil
College Avenue campus New Brunswick, NJ
-- Cherry Hill, New Jersey, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 4:00 PM
at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Cherry Hill
This will be an interfaith service and all are welcome.
We hope that representatives of the entire LGBTIQ community
will attend, as well as their families, friends and allies.
For directions please see the home page at www.uucch.org
Look under "Come Visit" - "Need directions?"
-- Jersey City, New Jersey, USA
Public School's event will be at 10AM Monday Nov 21 place TBD
-- Morristown, New Jersey
will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 10:30 am
at the Church of the Redeemer
36 South Street
Morristown, NJ 07960
www.redeemermorristown.org
-- Princeton, New Jersey, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on November 20, 2011 at 1:00 pm
at the Princeton University Chapel
Princeton, NJ
-- Teaneck, New Jersey, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Saturday, November 19, 2011 at 4:00 pm
at St Paul's 61 Church St, Teaneck, NJ
-- Brooklym, New York, USA
will hold a Transgender Day of Remembrance Vigil Across the Brooklyn Bridge
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 4:00 PM
at Manhattan City Hall on Centre St in front of Brooklyn Bridge Promenade
Walk over the Brooklyn Bridge to Brooklyn's Borough Hall for the reading of the names.
IF YOU CANNOT MARCH please join us for the reading of the names in
Brooklyn in front of Borough Hall for the reading of the names at 209
Joralemon Street at the front entrance of Borough Hall at the steps.
Take the 2, 3, 4, 5, M, and R to Court Square-Borough Hall
for more info: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=224894834242263
-- Bronx, New York, USA
Will be hosting a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at Bronx community Pride Center
from 9:00 - 11:00 PM
There will be a candlelight vigil and reading of the names
with refreshments to follow.
For more information contact Savannah Hornback shornback@bronxpride.org
-- Buffalo, New York, USA
Will be hosting a Transgender Day of Remembrance service on
Monday, November 21, 2011 from 7:00 - 9:00 PM
At the The BUA Theater, 119 Chippewa, between Delaware and Elmwood
Buffalo, NY14202
For more information, please contact Christina at spectrumwny@yahoo.com
http://www.spectrumwny.org
-- Elmira, New York, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Saturday, Nov. 19, 2011
at The Park Church, 208 W. Gray St, Elmira, NY
Event begins with a movie at 4pm
and concludes with a candlelight vigil in the park at 6:30pm.
-- Flushing, New York, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Thursday Nov 17, 2011 at 12:45pm
at the CUNY School of Law
65-21 Main St.Flushing, NY
there will be a vigil in the back garden
-- Hamilton, New York, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Tuesday November 29, 6-8pm
at Colgate University
Our weekly Family Dinner will be held in the University Chapel
(lower level) from 6-7, followed by ceremony moderated by student activists and poets.
All Colgate students, staff, faculty and Hamilton Village residents are welcome to participate.
-- Ithaca, New York, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 8:00pm
in the Founders Room at Anabel Taylor Hall
Cornell University
548 College Ave, Ithaca, NY
For more information, please contact Alexis at ab744@cornell.edu
-- Long Island, New York, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday November 20th 7:30 PM
Sinai Reform Temple
39 Brentwood Road
Bay Shore, NY 11706
Contact: longislandtdor@yahoo.com
-- Long Island, New York, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance service
on November 13th from 10:30 - 11:30 AM
at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship at Stony Brook (NY) (Long Island).
There will be a break followed by a panel discussion from 12:30 - 2:30 PM.
All are welcome to attend either the service, the discussion, or both.
380 Nichols Rd. Setauket NY (Northbound side; North of 347, South of SUNY:Stonybrook).
-- New York City, New York
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Friday November 18th at 7pm-9:30 pm
at The Center, 208 W. 13 street, New York, NY 10011.
for more information contact Cristina H. cherrera@gaycenter.org
www.genderidentityproject.org
Event will include- solemn prayer, candlelight vigil, inspirational speakers,
community voices, snacks, educational information, resources to services plus more.
-- Palmyra, New York, USA
will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance Memorial Service
on Sunday, 20 November at Zion Episcopal Church at 3:00 pm.
While this service will be in the Christian tradition, ALL are welcome to attend.
There will be a reception immediately following in the Gathering Room of the church.
Please RSVP to shaunamarieotoole@yahoo.com so we can make sure we have enough food.
-- Poughkeepsie, New York, USA
Mid-Hudson Valley Transgender Association (MHVTA) will host a TG DOR event on
Monday November 28, 2011 at their regular monthly meeting in Poughkeepsie, NY.
They screen visitors for security reasons and would ask if anyone is interested
to attend to please contact Jan Brown at janbrown1212@gmail.com.
-- Asheville, North Carolina, USA
will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 5:00 - 6:30 pm
There will be a march from the civic center in a candle lit
demonstration to the Vance Monument where the names of victims
will be read and stories will be told.
-- Boone, North Carolina, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Monday, November 21, 2011 at 7:30 pm
at the Appalachian State University,
in the Whitewater Cafe at Plemmons Student Union on the campus.
We will have a reading of names by a cross section of our campus
community and the Vice Chancellor for Student Development,
Cindy Wallace, will offer Opening Remarks.
-- Charlotte, North Carolina, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20 · 6:00pm - 9:00pm at
The LGBT Community Center of Charlotte
820 Hamilton Street Suite B11
Charlotte, NC 28206
-- Durham, North Carolina, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
Night of Expression
Fullsteam Brewery 6-10pm
726 Rigsbee Avenue
info - http://www.lgbtcenterofraleigh.com/site/trans-initiative.html
-- Elon, North Carolina, USA
Spectrum, Elon University's queer-straight alliance,
will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance vigil from 6-8 pm on
Young Commons (in front of Moseley Center) at Elon University.
Email spectrum@elon.edu for more information.
-- Raleigh, North Carolina, USA
Candlelight Vigil follow by refreshments at the LGBT Center of Raleigh
The Capitol Building 5:30-7pm
Fayetteville St. & West Morgan
info - http://www.lgbtcenterofraleigh.com/site/trans-initiative.html
-- Fargo, North Dakota, USA
Will be hosting a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20 at 11:00 am
There will be a Eucharist, memorial, and prayers for Trans victims followed by coffee and snacks.
St. Stephen's Episcopal Church.
120 21st Avenue North, Fargo, ND 58102-2015
-- Cincinnati, Ohio, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 7:00 pm
at St. John United Church of Christ
520 Fairfield Ave
Newport, KY 41073
-- Columbus, Ohio, USA
will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Thursday, November 17, 2011 at 7:00 pm
at the King Avenue United Methodist Church
299 King Avenue
Columbus, OH 43201
-- Portland, Oregon, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011
at the PSU Smith Memorial Student Union
There will be a day of workshops, a vigil
and a march to honor Trans Day of Remembrance.
The workshops will start at 11 am on Sunday.
The vigil starts at 4 pm and will include a keynote address
by Emi Koyama and a reading of the names of those we have lost
due to anti-trans violence.
Following the vigil there will be a voluntary procession from 6-7 pm to Portland's
Pioneer Courthouse Square where we will hold a public candlelight vigil from 7-8 pm.
For more information and updates about these events go to: http://www.pdx.edu/dos/qrc
-- Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance vigil
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 1:00 PM
at the lehigh valley bethlehem plaza behind the library.
for more information contact: jameshalleman@aol.com
-- Collegeville, Pennsylvania, USA
Will be holding a regular Sunday service commemorating the
Transgender Day of Remembrance and discussing other transgender issues
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 10:30 AM - 11:30 AM
Thomas Paine Unitarian Universalist Fellowship
3424 Ridge Pike
Collegeville, PA 19426
For directions and more information see website: www.tpuuf.org
-- Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, USA
will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 4:30 - 6:00 pm
there will be a candlelight vigil at 3rd Street (front) Steps of the Pennsylvania
Capitol Building.
See our website at: http://www.transcentralpa.org/TGDOR.htm
-- Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 7:00 pm
at the William Way Community Center
1315 Spruce St.Philadelphia, PA 19107
-- Providence, Rhode Island, USA
Will be hosting a Transgender Day of Remembrance event on
Sunday, November 20th from 6:00 - 8:00 PM
At the Bell Street Chapel (at 5 Bell Street Providence, RI)
For more information, please contact Hailee Malo at haileemalo@gmail.com
or visit the Youth Pride Inc. website at youthprideri.org
-- Columbia, South Carolina, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Saturday, November 19 at 6:00 PM
on the State House (Capitol), North Steps
Gervais & Main St.
Candlelight memorial and reading of the names.
-- Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day or Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20th at 7pm
at Nance Plaza in front of Rainbow House
815 N. Kings Hwy 17
Candlelight memorial and reading of the names.
-- Nashville, Tennessee, USA
Nashville and Vanderbilt Community Join to Commemorate International Transgender Day of Remembrance
on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 7:00 pm (doors open at 6:30)
at the Student Life Center, Ballroom A, Vanderbilt University campus - http://www.vanderbilt.edu/map
For more information, contact T.J. Jourian at the Office of LGBTQI Life at tj.jourian@vanderbilt.edu
-- Austin, Texas, USA
Will be hosting a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 6:30 PM
at Austin City Hall.
-- Dallas, Texas, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance memorial
on Sunday, November 20, 6:00pm - 7:30pm
at the Interfaith Peace Chapel
5910 Cedar Springs Road
Dallas, Texas 75235
For more information and updates, please see the event notice at http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=209987642391777
or the Dallas TDOR page at http://www.facebook.com/TransDOR.Dallas.
-- Fort Worth, Texas, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Saturday, November 19, 2011 at 6:00 PM
at Agape MCC, 4615 E California Parkway, Fort Worth, Texas 76119
For more information: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=247687045280400&context=create
or Pastor@TrinityMCC.org
-- Houston, Texas, USA
Transgender Day of Remembrance Memorial
Saturday, November 19, 2011, 7pm - 9:30pm
Farish Hall, KIVA Room
DIRECTIONS TO THIS BUILDING FROM I-45 SOUTH (DOWNTOWN)
- exit Cullen
- turn right on Cullen
- turn left into UH Entrance 14
- along entrance 14 there are two buildings on the right
- the walkway that goes between the two buildings leads to Farish Hall
More information http://www.tgdor.org/
-- San Angelo, Texas, USA
will be hosting a Transgender Day of Remembrance service
On Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 5:30pm
at the United Church of Christ new church start and an Open and Affirming congregation
618 Locust Street
San Angelo, Texas 76901
Email: thegatheringsanangelo@yahoo.com
-- San Antonio, Texas, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Thursday, November 17 at 6:30 PM
The event will be held at the MCC San Antonio
611 East Myrtle, San Antonio, TX
-- San Antonio, Texas, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 8:00 PM
in front of the San Antonio City Hall.
-- San Antonio, Texas, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 6:00-7:00 pm
at Trinity University
Parker Chapel Courtyard
1 Trinity Pl.
San Antonio, Tx
CONTACT: John Dean Domingue
Social Activism Coordinator, Sexual Diversity Alliance
jdomingu@trinity.edu
-- Waco, Texas, USA
will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 3:00 p.m.
at Central Texas MCC at 1601 Clay Ave., Waco, TX 76706.
For more information: http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=211961268876042
or centexmcc@earthlink.net.
-- Salt Lake City, Utah, USA
will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 6:00 pm
at the First United Methodist Church
200 East 203 South, Salt Lake City, Utah 84111
-- Fairfax, Virginia, USA
will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 7:00 pm
at the Metropolitan Community Church of Northern Virginia
10383 Democracy Ln, Fairfax, VA 22030
Attendees are invited to bring with them
a canned good and/or an article of clothing
for donation to TransGender Health Empowerment in Washington, DC
-- Newport News, Virginia, USA
will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20th 2011 at 4:30pm
at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of the Peninsula
(415 Young's Mill Lane, Newport News VA 23602)
There will be a brief service and out-door silent witness.
-- Norfolk, Virginia, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011
at the The LGBT Center of Hampton Roads
247 West 25th Street, Norfolk 23517
4 PM to 7 PM Open House and Discussion
7 PM - Candle Lighting and Reading of Names
-- Richmond, Virginia, USA
Will be hosting a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 7:00-9:00 pm
at the First Unitarian Universalist Church of Richmond
1000 Blanton Ave Richmond Va.
-- Williamsburg, Virginia, USA
Will be hosting a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 11:00 am
at the Williamsburg Unitarian Universalists.
There will be a service and guest speaker.
For more information visit: http://insideyorkcounty.com/stories/270126-williamsburg-unitarian-universalists-plan-transgender-day-of-remembrance
-- Burlington, VT, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 6:00pm - 8pm
at The Block Gallery
1 East Allen St,
Winooski, Vermont 05404
For more information contact angela@ru12.org or visit:
-- Kennewick, Washington, USA
will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance
on Sunday, November 20, 2011 from 7:00 - 9:00 pm
at the sanctuary of ROLMCC, Kennewick.
-- Seattle, Washington, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
on Sunday, November 20, 2011
at the Ravenna United Methodist Church,
5751 33rd Ave. N.E. Seattle, Wa. 98105.
The Wallingford United Methodist Church choir will provide
music and the names of the victims of transgender violence
will be read at a candlelight ceremony.
Refreshments will be offered after the ceremony.
All are welcome to join us in remembering those who died last year
for simply choosing to be who they are.
-- Seattle, Washington, USA
Will be holding a Transgender Day of Remembrance event
Emerald City Metropolitan Community Church Seattle
In the Worship service at 11:00 AM Sunday
In the Chapel of University Temple UMC
1415 NE 43rd ST, Seattle (at the corner of 15th AVE NE)
-- Tacoma, Washington, USA
Will be holding a Transgender day of Remembrance event
on November 20, 2011 from 6:30 to 8pm
at The Tahoma Unitarian Universalist Congregation
1115 S. 56th St.
Tacoma, WA
The T-Town: Transgender Neighbors art exhibit is on display there now
through the TDOR and can be viewed online at:
http://www.southsoundgender.com/t-town/
For more information: contact@southsoundgender.com
-- Charleston, West Virginia, USA
The Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Charleston, West Virginia
will be hosting a transgender day of remembrance event that will be
incorporated into their 11 am service on November 20th.
The address is 520 Kanawha Boulevard West, Charleston, West Virginia 25303.
Phone is 304 520-1107.
or email Cynthia at: cynthiadeville@suddenlink.net.
-- Transgender Day of Remembrance Webcomic Project
LOCATION: Internet
The Webcomics Project began in October 2004 as an event for the 6th
Annual Transgender Day of Remembrance. Originally just an idea for a
cross over comic between Venus Envy (by Erin Lindsey) and Closetspace
(by Jenn Dolari), it is currently managed by Laura Seabrook.
Participating contributors draw and publish a relevant webcomic or image
for the day (or equivalent date, depending on schedule) with links to
other contributors and/or the archive. The main thing is to educate the
readership of each person's webcomic or blog about the issues
surrounding the Day of Remembrance.
URL: http://tdorarchive.comicdish.com/
--
If you have information regarding your 2011 event
please send an email to Ethan St. Pierre transgenderdor@gmail.com.
follow updates on twitter: http://twitter.com/Transgenderdor
Gwen Amber Rose Araujo[1] (Gwen Araujo) (February 24, 1985 - October 3, 2002), born Edward Araujo, Jr., an American teenage pre-operative transgender woman, was murdered in Newark, California, in October 2002.[2]
She was killed by four men, with two of whom she had been sexually
intimate, who beat and strangled her after discovering she was
transgender.[3][4][5] Two of the defendants were convicted of second-degree murder,[6] but not convicted on the requested hate crime enhancements. The other two defendants pleaded guilty or no contest to voluntary manslaughter. In at least one of the trials, a trans panic defense - an extension of the gay panic defense - was employed.[6][7]
The crime received widespread national and international attention and prompted some authors to write about the bearing of homophobia and transphobia on Araujo's murder, along with questioning whether transgender people were being represented fairly and accurately in both mass media and the criminal justice.[7][8][9] Reaction to the case was an impetus for law reform movements in several states.[10][11] The events, including both criminal trials, have been portrayed in a TV movie, A Girl Like Me: The Gwen Araujo Story.[3][5] The murder was regularly compared to the Matthew Shepard and Brandon Teena case and was a rallying cause for the transgender and ultimately the larger LGBT communities.[12][13]
[edit] Witness account of the circumstances of her death
Araujo, who was going by the name of Gwen Amber Rose Araujo at the time,[14][15] met Michael Magidson, Jose Merél, Jaron Nabors, and Jason Cazares in the summer of 2002.[16] She was reported to have engaged in oral sex with Magidson and anal sex with Merél.[17] She claimed to be menstruating and during sex would push her partners' hands away from her genitalia to prevent them from discovering that she had male sex organs.[18] On October 3, 2002, she attended a party at a house rented by Merél and his brother, Paul Merél.[19][20]
Also in attendance at the party were Magidson, Jose Merél, Nabors,
Cazares, Paul Merél, Paul Merél's girlfriend Nicole Brown, and Emmanual
Merél.
At the party on October 3, 2002 she was discovered, by forced inspection (conducted by Brown[21]),
to have male genitalia, following which the men with whom she had had
sexual relations became violent. Magidson put Araujo in a chokehold.[22] Later, he punched Araujo in the face and began to choke her, but was pulled off by others.[21] At some point after that, Paul Merél, Emmanuel Merél, and Brown left the house.[22][23] Jose Merél struck Araujo in the head with a can of food and a frying pan.[22][24] Nabors and Cazares left in Magidson's truck to go to Cazares's house to get shovels and a pickax.[22][25]
When Nabors and Cazares returned, Araujo was still conscious and sitting on the couch.[22] At some point, the assault resumed. Magidson kneed Araujo in the head against the living room wall, rendering her unconscious.[22][26] Cazares kicked Araujo.[26]
After this, Araujo was taken to the garage of the home. Nabors
testified that Magidson strangled her with a rope and that Cazares
struck her with a shovel,[16] but Magidson testified that it was Nabors who strangled Araujo and struck her with the shovel,[27] and Cazares testified that he never struck her and did not see Araujo die.[16] Most accounts have Merél cleaning blood out of the carpet at the time that she was strangled.[citation needed]
Araujo was then hog-tied, wrapped in a blanket, and placed in the bed
of a pick-up truck. They then drove Araujo's body four hours away and
buried her near the Sierra Nevada mountains.[28] Araujo's disappearance and murder went unreported for days.[28]
It is not clear at what point during this sequence of events Araujo's
death occurred. However, the autopsy showed that she died from
strangulation associated with blunt force trauma to the head.[17]
This article may contain original research. Please improve it by verifying the claims made and adding references. Statements consisting only of original research may be removed. More details may be available on the talk page. (November 2008)
The partygoers did not report the crime and the assailants said
nothing to anyone about the murder. Two days after Araujo's death, a
friend of Jaron Nabors described him as appearing distraught.[14] Nabors, one of the four attackers, led authorities to the grave site in "exchange for his guilty plea to voluntary manslaughter and a promise to testify at the trial."[29][30]
Alameda County Sheriff's Office dispatched four crime scene
investigators and two detectives to recover the body from the grave
site. The four accused of the murder were: Michael Magidson, 22; Jaron
Nabors, 19; José Merél, 22; and Paul Merél, Jose's older brother. Paul
Merél was quickly released because his girlfriend came forward to the
police telling them that Paul had left that night with her. Paul Merél
and his girlfriend were never charged and became witnesses for the
prosecution. Jason Cazares was arrested over a month after the other
defendants, and only after Nabors implicated Cazares in a letter to
Nabors' girlfriend, explaining how he (Nabors) wasn't involved in the
killing.[citation needed] Nabors later testified against the other three in a deal with the DA for a lesser charge of manslaughter
and an 11-year prison sentence after police monitored a telephone
conversation between Nabors and his girlfriend, Delores Ojeda.[31]
This article's tone or style may not reflect the formal tone used on Wikipedia. Specific concerns may be found on the talk page. See Wikipedia's guide to writing better articles for suggestions. (November 2008)
Three defendants testified in this trial - and blamed each other as
well as Nabors. On 8 September, the jury announced that it had reached
verdicts on two of the three defendants. As Judge Harry Sheppard
instructed, the verdicts were kept secret.[33]
On 12 September, after the jury announced that it had deadlocked on
the third defendant, the verdicts were announced. The defendant on whom
the jury had deadlocked was Cazares. Magidson and Merél were each
convicted of second-degree murder,[34] but not convicted of the hate crime enhancement allegations.
Alameda County Assistant District Attorney Chris Lamiero, who
represented the prosecution in the case, undermined criminal intent by
commenting: "Gwen being transgender was not a provocative act. She's who
she was. However, I would not further ignore the reality that Gwen made
some decisions in her relation with these defendants that were
impossible to defend. I don't think most jurors are going to think it's
OK to engage someone in sexual activity knowing they assume you have one
sexual anatomy when you don't."[35]
On the first anniversary of the murder, Horizons Foundation created the Gwen Araujo Memorial Fund for Transgender Education.
The Fund's purpose is to support school-based programs in the
nine-county Bay Area that promote understanding of transgender people
and issues through annual grants. Through this fund, Araujo's mother and
family speak in middle and high schools about transgender awareness and
understanding.[37]
View page ratings Rate this page What's this? Trustworthy Objective Complete Well-written I am highly knowledgeable about this topic (optional) Categories:
I started vlogging in 2006 with
the goal of finding a community of like minded, transgender individuals
who I could relate with. Little did I know that I'd actually be
starting that community.
Welcome to Esprit 2012, one of the nation's leading transgender conferences. We offer a full program of all your favorite classes and activities
plus a selection of new offerings for everyone under the transgender umbrella
including cross-dressers, transsexuals, and even Significant Others.
Please consider the small investment and great rewards of being a volunteer at Esprit!
There are 81 days left until Esprit!
Esprit is held in beautiful Port
Angeles near
Seattle, Washington. After a scenic 2-hour drive and ferry
ride from Seattle, you will be nestled in one of the most striking
locations in the Pacific
Northwest and surrounded by the Olympic Mountains, the San
Juan Islands,
and Puget Sound...close enough to make transportation
easy, yet far enough
to make this TG retreat feel like a vacation.
Start making your plans, and if you're not sure if Esprit is for you, then read on...
ESPRIT, ESPRIT GALA and ESPRIT 2011 relate only to the yearly transgender conference
held in Port Angeles, WA. The conference and organization is not associated or connected
with the global apparel company Esprit or its marks.
(c) 2001-2011 CNE Transventions All rights reserved.
My goal for this website is to illuminate and normalize the
issues of gender identity and the processes of gender transition.
This project began in the year 2000, as I struggled to "come
out" about my past to my research colleagues. I wanted to
tell in my own words the story of my gender transition from male
to female three decades earlier, in 1968, and then of being outed
31 years later in 1999, while living quietly and successfully
in "stealth mode".
Since beginning work on this website, I've come into contact
with ever growing numbers of people concerned with gender issues.
I've interacted via e-mail and in personal meetings with large
numbers of people who are transitioning or who have transitioned.
Given the still-remaining social invisibility, ignorance and
superstitions about gender conditions, I've felt a strong need
to provide whatever information, encouragement and hope that
I can to help others who are struggling with these issues.
As a result of my contacts with thousands of TG/TS/IS people
over the past few years, this website has evolved into a major
informational and support site for
transgender and
transsexual
people. The site now reflects years of field work and empirical
research, and intensive efforts at framing and writing up the
resulting observations regarding this previously almost invisible,
highly stigmatized minority about which many superstitions still
prevail.
This work has been conducted in the style of an investigative
journalist who herself is embedded in the "war zone"
she is covering. These investigations, carried out in an arena
swirling with new shifts in existing paradigms of thought, have
been continually shaped and guided by very close interactions
with hundreds of people who are themselves very experienced in
these issues. Many of these individuals have shared in the creation
of this website, by contributing valuable observations and practical
information about gender transition, and by sharing keen insights
and wisdom that they've gained from their own personal experiences.
The website is informal in structure, and is still rapidly
evolving as new ideas and information become available. I begin
by first telling my own story, as best I can. That story, of
someone who underwent gender transition earlier in life, illustrates
that such transitions can turn out rather well in the long term.
The story also provides personal vignettes relevant to the gender
identity sections of this website:
The website then presents an array of informational webpages
and constantly updated reference links concerning gender identity
and gender transition, in an effort to help others who may undergo
such transitions. The site also links to webpages containing
photos and stories of over 200 other people who've undergone
complete gender transitions (both MtF and FtM). These many additional
true-life "success stories" can provide encouragement,
hope and role models for others, especially for the many young
transgender and
transsexual people who often feel so much fear
and desperation about their futures. Experienced-based knowledge
and real-world role models can go a long way towards easing the
fears of these young people, helping them more confidently confront
the challenges ahead of them, and illuminating pathways they
can follow to build a full and joyful life:
By openly sharing our stories and life-experiences, we can
help build a more realistic knowledge of and genuine wisdom about
transgender issues. We can also help society see us as the human
beings we truly are. In the process we can enable more and more
people to live fuller and happier lives in an increasingly inclusive,
harmonious society.
Deep Stealth Productions presented the
V-Day 2004 Worldwide Campaign
event for Los Angeles on Saturday, February 21st. In cooperation with the author, internationally-known
playwright Eve Ensler, and under the auspices of Jane
Fonda, this benefit performance featured the first ever transgender cast of "The Vagina
Monologues," and included a new monologue written by
Eve especially for this event.
Megan
Taylor grew up feeling she was living in the wrong body. In her 20s,
she decided to do something about it. First, she changed her name to
Miles.
text size A A A
September 6, 2010
Megan Taylor grew up feeling she was living in
the wrong body. In her 20s, she decided to do something about it. First,
she changed her name to Miles. Miles began taking testosterone,
scheduled a double mastectomy - part of sex reassignment surgery - and
began changing his body into one that felt right. The hardest part was
telling his parents.
Through it all, he kept an audio diary.
Miles
lives in Boston with his friend Chris Jacobs, and first started
recording his diary in November 2008. His parents, Vicky and Bill, live
in Texas.
The Letter
For Miles, the first step of changing his name was a milestone.
"It's
interesting that so much can be attached to your name," he says into
his recorder. "I've kind of already divorced myself from Megan. It feels
separate from who I am now. And I really haven't latched on to Miles
yet. Some days, I feel more Miles than Megan. It's kind of weird. I
have no problem saying 'Megan.' Now I need to say 'Miles.' But I need to
say it in an ownership sort of way."
On Feb. 2, 2009, Miles is working on a letter to his parents. He reads the letter into the recorder.
"I
need to talk to you two about something. Months ago I started writing
you a long letter, but having edited it and revised and picked and poked
at it for so many months, it started to feel more like a paper for
school. I have a gender identity disorder. I've had it my entire life
without really being able to put a name to it and it has become severe
to debilitating over the past couple of years. My body may appear and
function as female, but in my head I have never felt a connection to my
body. The sex of my body is female, but the gender I feel in my head is
male.
I've always known that I was different,
but I know now that it was only covering up what I feel I've known all
along, what I've known since I was 6 years old, when I began putting a
sock into my pants when I was alone, or when I used to pretend to shave
my face with toothpaste and a toothbrush. What I'm trying to explain
here is that there's always been a disconnection with my gender and my
physical body, and I have tried endlessly to figure out what was wrong,
why I simply didn't feel right in my skin. For the first time in my
life, though, I am starting to feel a connection to who I am.
For
the past few months, I have been living my life as male everywhere with
the exception of my work. What that means is that all my friends have
been using male pronouns when referring to me, and have been addressing
me by another name. The name I have chosen is Miles.
I'm
delivering this information to you in the form of a letter for a couple
of reasons. One, I never would have been able to say all of this to you
in person without completely losing any and all composure. And two, I
wanted to give you a safe space in which you could react however you
needed to react without worry of judgment, as I realize this is not easy
news to hear. However, I know this is right for me. You would not be
sitting here reading this letter if that were not the case."
When Miles finally sends the letter several weeks later, he does it with Chris' support.
And Chris is there when Miles receives an e-mail back from his mother. Miles reads it aloud.
"It
says: No matter what you do, it will not affect your relationship with
us," he says. " 'Those are Daddy's exact words. He is, however, still
digesting. I'm not as surprised as you might think, but I dread the
further anguish you will endure. Health risks are a big concern. There
are lots - in capitals - lots of questions. Bottom line, we will always
love you. Do hope you already knew that. Love you infinity, M.'
That's my mom's sign-off."
Home For The Holidays
A year later, after months of testosterone treatments, after his voice changed, after surgery, Miles records how he's feeling.
"Last year sucked. I just, I felt like I was,
you know, carrying around this secret. My parents didn't know. You wanna
just scream at them and say, 'I have this news! Something's changing.'
But now they know. They're really, they're really trying. It's always a
big to-do when I return to Texas for the holidays, just because I don't
see them all the time."
Over the holidays, Miles has a difficult conversation with his parents.
"We
have had this tumultuous year of all the emotions, and as you said, the
mourning," Vicky says. "And then to finally get you here. And by this
time, now we've been waiting and waiting and waiting to see you and meet
you and say, oh, here's Miles. And there you were, and it was like.
oh, your shoulders are bigger. And the hug. You appear to me to be
happy in your own skin.
"But you said you lost a daughter," Miles says. "I'm here you know, it's not like I died."
I felt like the
child that I knew, the child in the picture on the ice box that I knew
and grew up with, was gone. Just pure and simple, was gone.
- Bill Taylor, Miles' father
"The hardest thing was the loss," Vicky says. "The sad thing is, here you are flesh and blood, lovable, our child."
"Do you still feel like that?" Miles asks his parents.
"I
don't anymore," Bill says. "But I felt like the child that I knew, the
child in the picture on the ice box that I knew and grew up with, was
gone. Just pure and simple, was gone."
"I
just felt like somebody had taken a cannon ball and shot me through my
middle, and I was walking around and living my life and doing
everything, going to work and acting normal except I had this huge
hole," Vicky says. "It was just there when I got up in the morning. It
was there when I went to bed at night. It was just there. But the other
thing - and I know it's the maternal guilt thing. I don't know if Daddy
has this same feeling, but I feel you have done this heroic feat,
you've accomplished this on your own. Even though you've known that
you've always had our total love and support, but that's all you had
from us. We weren't actually holding your hand. And I still have the
text messages I got when you got out of surgery."
"Anyway. Well, we love you," Vicky says. "Always have, always will. It's really nice to spend time with you."
"Really nice to be here," Miles says.
Coming Into His Own
"You
know how when a movie comes to the conclusion and it culminates with
somebody standing outside, and it's just that sigh," Taylor says.
"I
ran around without a shirt on for the first time outside. We had the
reprieve from the cold weather, and it got a little warmer and it was
drizzly, and I went to the park, shed my layers and, you know, cool
breeze on my chest. It was just absolutely amazing."
Produced by Sarah Reynolds with help from Jay Allison and Transom.org, where you can find a longer version of this piece.
A true story about Danielle Lindenmuth (born Daniel), a transsexual woman who began her transition from male to female at 15, and completed sex reassignment surgery at 18, with the help of her mother and older brothers. This story, written by Danielle's mother, is available free of charge online, and printed copies are available from some bookstores and online sources.
INTRODUCTION
You are about to read a rare true story about a young boy who received a kind of help from his mother that some children need, but almost none receive.
Danial should have been born a girl. In these pages, you will meet Daniel's father who believes that sexual reassignment is against God. You'll follow the fencing matches with bureaucrats, and the contest of wills with councilors whose skills are so often limited to dream-obstruction and fee collection. Most importantly, you'll read how Daniel's courageous and superbly understanding mother helped Daniel to become the charming, irrepressible Danielle, despite a globe full of minor tyrants, tunnel vision functionaries, buffoons, finanancial opportunists, and misguided do-gooders trying to prevent it.
I have finally met Danielle now 19, after having heard and been entertained by her exploits every week for months during my electrolysis sessions with her mother. I am deeply impressed. Danielle's fitness for life as a teenage girl and success at it, as well as her happiness and maturity bring glad, wistful tears to my much older eyes--wistful, because I, too, am a transsexual.
I lived through Danielle's childhood experiences of having the wrong body, but because I grew up in teh 50's and 60's, and because of the less communicative, sexually repressed atmosphere of my family, I had to go through full male puberty, attend male gym classes, deal with bullies, and miss out on many years of shopping and dating. I hit every stump, bramble bush and pothole that waits for us folk who hack our way along the wrong road of life.
But it's 1998 now, and things are changing. Danielle's experience is one of the first in what promises to be a new and better era for people like her and like me.
Hallie Horowitz
"I need to talk to you Mom. I have something to tell
you, but I'm
afraid you won't love me any more." My fifteen year old
son lay
down beside me on the bed in our usual family conference
tradition. The children knew they had my undivided attention
when
I was already in bed.
I assured him that no matter what he told me, I would still
love
him. He hemmed and hawed and I thought he might be going to tell
me he was gay. I had suspected that he was gay for years and
had
hoped such a conversation would take place sometime so that we
could get involved in the gay community support system. However,
he had something entirely different on his mind.
He said, "I need to be a girl. I'm a girl inside. I like
boys but
as a woman would, not the gay way. I have felt this way for
years, and you know how feminine I am."
I So this was what he had been upset about the last few months.
At first I didn't know what to say. I hugged him and thought,
"Oprah Winfrey, where are you?" I rarely watched television,
and
daytime talk shows even less, so I had not been exposed to this
issue before. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. I felt
my
life was taking a definite turn; I knew it would never be the
same again.
After a long silence he asked, "What are we going to
do?"
"I honestly don't know what to do, but I'll find out,"
I
answered.
After we laughed and cried together I asked, "Have you
ever worn
my clothes?"
His response was, "I would never wear your funky old
clothes,"
and I believed him. Besides being bigger than him, I knew he
did
not approve of my non-fashions. He scolded me for my lack of
interest in fashion or make up or hairstyles. He said, "You are a
woman and can do all those things, and yet you don't. That's
such
a waste!"
We talked about his childhood. He admitted trying on his female
cousin's clothes. He was happy when someone mistook him for a
girl because of his feminine appearance although I had always
assured him he looked otherwise. He always felt bad when I talked
about how proud I was of my three sons. I had often added, "I'm
glad I don't have any girls, because they're harder to raise."
Sometimes I said, "The world is not yet ready for any girl
I
would have raised," Because I would have encouraged a girl
to
join little league or be a jet fighter pilot or president. How
prophetic that turned out to be as I am now raising a girl that
the world is not ready for. I had always told my children that
they could be anything that they wanted to be when they grew
up,
but I never dreamed that one of my boys would want to grow up
to
be a woman.
"I just want to be normal, and normal is being a girl.
I'm tired
of not being myself I'm tired of being confused. I just want
to
be a girl. I have no future as a man. I wanted to run away from
home so that I could be a girl where no one knew me, but I knew
it would hurt you." I asked him if he wanted to move to
a new
school and go as a girl the next year. "I can muddle through
high-school as a boy," he replied, "I don't think going
to school
as a girl will be a solution because I would just be hiding and
pretending from another side." He wanted to BE a girl, not
just
dress-up as a girl.
He finally fell asleep beside me. Meanwhile, my mind was wide
awake forming dozens of questions. What happens to these kids?
Is
this just a phase? Is this part of being gay? If I don't make
a
big deal about it, will it just go away? Is there a name for
this
condition? Does this usually happen to people so young, and can
they change? Can they succeed in life? I wanted information and
I
wanted it now, in the middle of the night!
What does a mother do in this situation? When my boys came
to me
with a cut, I would put on a Band-Aid and a kiss to make it
better, but I had no Band-Aids for this problem. I knew his life
would be difficult and sad. How could a mother help, and would a
mother's love be enough? Was I strong enough to handle this?
I
thought I knew my boys pretty well, yet I had no idea that
Daniel's life was so troubled.
* * * * *
This was the beginning of just one more chapter in my
unconventional life. I spent some of my childhood in Africa with
my missionary parents, so I had been exposed to travel,
adventure, and attempts to change the world. I was also the
anti-establishment, back-to-nature type and had dropped out of
college to volunteer my time and talents to a school in a small
Mexican village. There I met Salvador, a man with beautiful Latin
eyes, a man whose world was limited to a town so small it had
only one paved road. His simple, self-sufficient life style
seemed attractive to me. We grew our own food, owned a cow, and
I made our clothes.
We lived in an old adobe house without water or electricity.
After our first son David was born, we moved to California, the
first of several moves between Mexico and the States. After
Benjamin and Daniel were born in California, we moved back to
Mexico into a new, modern home that we spent several years
building. A few months later we were hit by a flash flood during
extraordinarily heavy spring rains. The children and I were
marooned for several hours on the top bunk bed while we watched
the furniture float out the double doors and down the river.
Fortunately we were rescued before the whole house washed away.
For ten years I tried to prove to everyone that I could make
this
marriage work, but reality finally set in when I became resentful
of Salvador's attempt to isolate us even from his own family.
I
finally decided to leave, taking the boys, ages three, five and
nine, with me.
Their father said, "Since you are leaving and taking
the kids, I
expect you to be able to support them. If you want any help,
you
can come back and live with me." Salvador lived up to his
word
and never provided any support, and I never returned to him nor
asked for his financial help.
Life was not easy as a single mother receiving no
child support. I was in a constant panic about money, always
hoping the end of the month would arrive before the end of the
money. We lived sometimes in the city, sometimes in the country
with a variety of pets - a destructive dog, a bird, fish and
a
horse. There were paper routes, music lessons, and summer camps.
After four years on welfare, I started working full time as
a
file clerk in a hospital and Daniel started school.
I worked a second job which made it possible to keep a roof
over
our head and food on the table. However, it didn't allow me much
time to be with the boys. They learned to take care of themselves
and each other. There was always a fear in the back of my mind
that the Child Protective Agency or other authorities would
discover the boys at home alone and take them away. It almost
happened when police came in response to a frivolous 91l call
placed from our house by a neighbor girl. They found 12-year
old
Ben, and 10-year old Daniel alone. The law allowed a 12-year
old
to be alone, but not baby-sitting a younger child. Ben and Daniel
offered the officers peanut butter sandwiches, and asked them
for
help with a computer game. The police concluded that they were
well fed and were good kids. They left with the admonition that
their mother find someone to watch them during the times when
they had to be alone because of David's schedule.
David became my dependable helper and baby-sitter for his
younger
brothers - he even took a Red Cross baby-sitting course. My
children were quite self-sufficient, for they had learned to
grocery shop, feed themselves, wash clothes and handle money.
I
could give them $20 when that was all I had for food until the
end of the week, and they would decide which necessities to buy.
Ben could estimate the total amount of their purchases within
pennies, so they would not be embarrassed at the check-out stand.
They helped me write cheeks and balance my bank account. They
understood that they needed to help me by staying out of trouble.
I didn't want them to worry, but I needed the help and I believed
in accepting reality.
We moved quite often because I had to live where I found work, or
there was trouble with neighbors or house mates or the local
school, or the apartment owner raised the rent. We even moved
temporarily to the east coast, traveling both there and back
by
Greyhound Bus. We were a team so my children always helped with
the decisions about moving. I didn't make any rules because I
wasn't home to enforce them. I raised them using the theory that
I expected them to be good, and they were. I let them learn from
their mistakes. If they stayed up too late, it was hard to get
up
for work or school the next day. They set their own alarm clocks
because I was often off to work before they were up.
My children were brought up without God even though I had
no
idea how to raise children without religion. I was raised in
a
conservative Christian home where sin, punishment and guilt
seemed to be waiting around every corner. It is my belief that
I
am responsible for my actions. If there is a God, He does not
need my adoration or my money. I don't believe that He is
involved in the day to day happenings of every person's life.
I
did like to think there was a strong feminine force up there
somewhere watching over my children when they were out of my
sight, a heavenly grandmother.
David's great sense of humor and responsibility helped me
to keep
things in perspective. At sixteen he got his driver's license
and my mother gave him a used car. I sat down with him and said,
"Now
that Grandma Clela has given you a car, we need to make rules
about driving."
He asked, "Why?"
After thinking about it, I could come up with no reason that
made
sense since he had always demonstrated exceptional maturity.
So
together we decided no rules would be necessary as long as he
was
responsible and kept out of trouble. And there were never any
problems. He would often come home from a date or school
activity, wake me up and sit on the bed beside me while telling
me all about his evening. Even when I was very tired, I was glad
he wanted to talk to me because I loved being involved in his
life.
Ben, who is four years younger than David, and very bright,
was
not being challenged in school, even in the classes for gifted
students. He had a keen interest in money and showed signs of
being an entrepreneur at an early age. He sometimes offered to
clean out my purse for the loose change, or clip coupons for
items that we regularly used, and I was glad to give him the
savings. When we had a garage sale, it was Ben that priced the
items and handled the money. In third grade he chose the baritone
horn and played in the band. The horn was almost as big as he
was, but he trudged off to school every day hauling it behind
him
on a trash can carrier. He became very proficient as he played
that huge horn through high school while learning other brass
instruments as well. He easily picked up computer skills, and
was
a good athlete excelling in anything he tried. As the middle
child only two years older than Daniel, I probably neglected
him
somewhat, but he did well on his own.
Then there was Daniel! He was a loving and cuddly child, but
he
was a handful! He didn't hit his terrible two's until he was
five, and then I thought he would never get over them. He always
tested me to the limit. If I said, "No," to touching
one trinket
on a shelf, he tried each one to see if I would say "No."
Brushing and arranging my long, curly hair was a favorite
pastime
for Daniel when he was about three years old. During his early
teen years he could arrange my thick curls into a spectacular
hairdo for a special occasion. He was very fashion conscious
and
always aware of the current styles. He most often chose unisex
styles for himself in bright colors, and then washed them by
hand
so they would not fade. When I went shopping for clothes for
myself, he enjoyed going along to advise me. In retrospect, I
think he was living vicariously through me because he could not
wear feminine fashions himself.
Ben and David tried unsuccessfully to get Daniel involved
in some
of the more rough-and-tumble games. However, he became quite
skilled in the art of self-defense when his brothers teased or
made fun of him. Once I came home to find the two older boys
in a
corner while Daniel wielded a broom stick that he used very
effectively if they tried to escape.
Most sports held no interest for Daniel, but he enjoyed roller
skating and took classes in tap dancing and gymnastics. Because
he had few successes in school, I encouraged him in these other
interests to boost his self-confidence. He was especially
talented in gymnastics, and his brothers heaped praise on him
when he did hand stands, one-handed somersaults, and other tricks
beyond what they were able to do.
Daniel always preferred playing with girls rather than boys.
In
the toy box at Grandma Clela's house, the old doll was his
favorite. Daniel liked to sew, cook, and clean house. Since I
spent little time on these traditional female activities, he
was
not following my example. He rearranged the furniture to his
taste, and looked for pictures and other items to decorate the
walls.
After much hard work, I started my own business doing cancer
statistics. Self employment fit my personality because I like
to
control my own life. It also allowed me to have a flexible work
schedule. The pay was adequate so that we no longer had to count
pennies, and we were able to get out of debt. I was proud that
I
was the bread-winner; I was providing for my family, and doing
it
better than many families with two parents. Women in our society
seldom have such an opportunity. Many single mothers I knew were
playing the role of victim, dependent on the whim of the father
to provide child support. For many years I dreamed of someone
to
share the responsibility and the joys of watching my children
grow up. However, most of the men with whom I formed
relationships added to my responsibilities, and did not enjoy
the
boys as much as I had hoped. Being single suited me fine, for
the
boys were the focus of my attention and concern.
As Daniel finished the eighth grade, I saw signs of increasing
tension. He seemed to enjoy school and socializing with the other
students, but something was bothering him. He was not able to
fall asleep at night, and when he did, he did not sleep well.
He
knew he had to get some sleep to feel well for school the next
day, so we tried warm milk, watched boring television, sang
lullabies, told stories, and did the mental exercise "walking
through a dark friendly forest, you are getting tired."
We also
talked about a great variety of topics.
Once he said, "I don't know who I am."
I responded, "Most teenagers feel that way. Most of the
kids at
your school probably feel the same way."
"When my teen years are over, I won't feel this way anymore?"
he
asked.
"That's right. You just have to get through your teen
years."
Little did I know just how difficult getting through those next
few years was going to be for him.
I don't know who I am.
* * * * *
During Ben's sophomore year in high school, he went to live
with
David, who was attending college in Phoenix. It wasn't easy to
let Ben leave home when he was still young, but it solved several
problems. Daniel, Ben and I were living in the country: an hour's
bus ride from the nearest high school. My work schedule prevented
me from driving him to and from school so he felt pretty
isolated. He was unhappy because the transportation problem kept
him from participating in after-school band or sports activities.
David was living in an apartment but had trouble finding
responsible roommates. David suggested that Ben could live with
him and attend the nearby high school.
I was sad to have Ben leave and a little apprehensive about
the
arrangement, but they wanted to try it. Besides he could always
come home if it didn't work out well. I paid Ben's share of the
apartment rent, but otherwise they were mostly supporting
themselves. David and Ben had a credit card on my account to
be
used when they needed money unexpectedly. They never used it
without telling me, and never used it unwisely. I was proud of
them as they responsibly went to school, worked, paid their
bills, and kept track of each other.
Whenever possible I've allowed my children to shape their
own
lives, and tried not to curb their adventurous endeavors because
of my anxiety. I was proud of David and Ben as they proved
to me
that they understood the meaning of responsibility. My friends
were amazed at this unusual arrangement. Parents are often unable
to manage their teenagers living at home let alone trust a couple
of brothers to take complete control of their lives 400 miles
away from any family.
With my child-rearing days were almost over, there was light
at
the end of the tunnel. I just didn't realize how long the tunnel
was.
* * * * *
After his revelation, Daniel was peaceful and calm, but I
was a
basket case. I tried to maintain an outward appearance of
composure, but my mind would not work well due to stress and
lack
of sleep.
The next morning Daniel spent hours in front of the mirror
in my
room. He styled his hair, put on make-up, shaved his legs, and
created short-shorts from a pair of long pants. When he tied
a
T-shirt up tight above his waist, he did look like a girl. It
was
amazing to watch the transformation. However, he still adopted
the unisex look in front of others, and he did not want me to
tell his brothers yet.
When we went shopping later that day, Daniel said he needed
underwear, and I wondered whether he was thinking about panties.
I didn't ask, but just told him to get what he needed because
I
wanted to avoid the whole subject. He chose his usual jockey
shorts, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I kept watching for
signs of something - I'm not sure what.
I asked one of my friends to meet me at the mall because I
really
need to talk to someone. He hazarded several guesses as to the
cause of my problem, but I knew he would never guess. When my
friend learned the cause of my dismay, he agreed he never would
have guessed. He thought the condition was called gender
dysphoria or transsexualism. He advised me to research the
subject at the medical library of our local university hospital.
Another friend who knew my children well expressed his support but did
not know much about gender problems either. However, a few days later he called with some troubling information.
A gay
friend of his had told him that transsexuals have an even a
harder life than gays for they are at the far end of the spectrum
when it comes to acceptance in the community. He also expressed
sympathy for us because he knew we had a hard road ahead and
suggested that I go to the Gay and Lesbian Center to seek
information.
Daniel had gone to visit his brothers as soon as school was
out.
Ben brought him back and was visiting from Arizona for the Fourth
of July holidays. I was close to tears all day. Contrary to
Daniel's wishes, I told Ben the reason for my distress because
I
needed to share it with someone. Ben said, "It's no big
deal.
Daniel probably just needs more attention." When Ben was
ready to
return to Phoenix, Daniel wanted to go back with him. He wanted
to be able to go out shopping at the mall as a girl without the
fear of running into his friends. David and Ben approved the
plan
as they liked to have him cook and keep their apartment clean
while they worked or attended school. Daniel had played with
several feminine names, such as Jasmine or Danny, but seemed
to
be settling on Danielle.
My instincts told me that momentous events would take place
during Danielle's second visit to Arizona, and I talked to my
children there almost every day so as to be a part of it.
Danielle told me about Denise, who was a good friend and neighbor
to Ben and David. Denise had known a transsexual, and recognized
the signs in Danielle, so she took her under her wing. While
the
older boys were away, she and Danielle experimented with hair
and
make-up, and did all the things that girlfriends do - the things
that Danielle had always longed to do. Danielle confessed she
took some of my make-up with her - make-up that she encouraged
me
to buy a year before when she saw it on television. I didn't
mind
because I seldom used it. Danielle kept me informed about all
the
new things she was doing, and told me everything she bought
during her mall trips with Denise. David used my credit card
to
get cash advances for Danielle's use, and she told me how much
she paid for each item because she was concerned about my having
to spend money on her.
It was Denise who told David about transsexuals and what was happening to
Danielle. When David told me he knew, I cried with gratitude for Denise.
Bless her dear, dear spirit - I just wanted to hug her. David was quite
stressed by all the new developments. He was doing his best to hide his
feelings from Danielle - he began to work out at the gym more than usual.
Ben persisted in his opinion that Danielle just needed more attention. He
bought her a computer art program and was trying to teach her how to use it.
It was clever of Ben to find a way to give her more attention that involved
his beloved computer.
Danielle told me her brothers were treating her nicely, and
she
thought they were glad to find out that she was not gay. She
told me she saw an 18-year old transsexual on a television talk show and
said, "I think I could have done better at expressing how it feels inside."
Denise thought Danielle was passing very well as a girl -
the
guys were even checking her out at the malls. Denise had to remind Danielle not to scratch where her new bras made her itch.
When Danielle started receiving phone calls, David was afraid
he
would use the wrong pronouns so he would use no pronouns at all.
"Down by the pool," he would say, "Gone shopping,"
or 'Not home."
Danielle told me about a 21-year old man, a neighbor in the
apartment complex, who took her to the store to get hair spray.
"I told him that I have two big brothers who are very protective
so I couldn't mess around much," she said. "He is cute,
but kind
of nerdy. He would make a good friend, but that's all."
I was sure my new daughter was going to get her heart broken,
but
Danielle was thrilled to meet boys who thought she was a girl.
One night when I called, Danielle was out on a "date"
with the
neighbor. When he came for Danielle, Denise wrote down his
address and phone number. The boys were still worried about her,
and Ben waited up for her to get home. David decided that before
he dated a girl, he would ask to see one of those cute, naked
baby pictures. He wasn't sure he wanted to date a transsexual.
David and Ben discussed how to tell their father. They thought
of
a scheme to soften the blow. They would tell him that David was gay, Ben was a crossdresser,
and Daniel was transsexual. Then when he learned the truth, that
only Daniel was transsexual, he would be relieved that only one
of them had a problem. They laughed and talked about what they
thought their father's reaction would be. They never carried
out the scheme, but I was thankful my kids could handle this
unique situation with humor and common sense.
When Danielle had been in Arizona for only two weeks, David
told
me the situation was a little stressful, and he was ready for
Danielle to return home. Grieving is part of the family's
adjustment process when a child comes out as gay or transsexual,
and David expressed that sentiment to me when he said, "I
feel
like my brother has died and I don't know who this new person
is." David also felt that it was partly his fault because
he had
been there when his brother was growing up and he must have done
something wrong.
Several times I thought, "I just want my Daniel back."
I secretly
hoped that Danielle would call and say that she had changed her
mind and was going to be my little boy again. I wanted to walk
away from all these new problems, and go on with life as it was
before. However there were so many things to deal with that I
did
not have much time for grieving.
My greatest sorrow was in knowing the hardships that lay ahead
for my new daughter. I could see it was going to be a long road,
and we didn't have a map to follow. I wondered if I would be
strong enough to handle this new situation. I asked myself again
and again, "Is a mother's love enough?"
* * * * *
While all my children were in Phoenix, I set out to look for
information, and my first stop was the Gay and Lesbian Center.
Until the moment that Daniel revealed that he was a girl, I was
resigned to the fact that he was gay so I expected that I would
contact the Center sometime.
Is a mother's love enough?
When I was young, my experiences with gays had always been
positive. "Uncle Bob" was close to our family and was
also the
father of one of my best friends. We knew he was gay, but also
knew he was a good, dependable person and an important adult
in
our lives.
A classmate and his twin sister were my best friends during
high
school. Phil came out to me years later when he explained that
he
left the church because Christians disapprove of gay people.
When
I visited him in San Francisco, he lived with two male friends
in
a beautifully decorated apartment where they all shared the
homemaking responsibilities. I noticed the peaceful, caring and
quiet atmosphere that pervaded their home, very different from
the stressful, bitter and controlling relationships that I had
seen in many heterosexual homes. A highly respected teacher in
my
parochial high school was gay, but we didn't know it at the time.
He taught English and made it interesting and challenging. He
was
married and his children were part of our social circle. Years
later I visited him when I learned that he was dying of AIDS,
and
found that he was still interested in new thoughts and projects.
I shared with him my concern for my youngest son.
These three men, as well as all the other gays and lesbians
I
knew, seemed to be exceptionally fine people. When I believed
that Daniel was gay, I hoped he would be a wonderful human being
also. I did not blame myself for I had raised all three boys
the
same way. As early as age five, I recognized Daniel was
effeminate and different from other boys, but I knew he did not
choose to be that way. It is my belief that some people are born
gay just as I was born with curly hair and poor eyesight. I did
not feel Daniel was influenced by an outside source, nor did
I
believe he was sinning.
Fortunately I had read that the gender of the unborn fetus
is
determined by the hormones to which it is exposed in utero. All
babies start out as female. An infinitesimal amount of male
hormone at exactly the right time is necessary for the normal
development of male sex organs, and the male pattern of thinking.
On rare occasions something goes wrong. There may be enough male
hormone to produce male sex organs, but it may not be in
sufficient quantity to push the brain into the male pattern of
behavior. Although I was surprised and a little shocked to learn
that Daniel was transsexual, I think it was easier for me to
accept because I knew he was born that way.
* * * * *
I was on the verge of tears on that first visit to the Gay
and
Lesbian Center, and was thankful to meet a friendly and
sympathetic female intern counselor. When I asked for guidance
in
helping a boy who wanted to be a girl, she could be of little
assistance because she admitted she knew almost nothing about
the
subject. She praised me as a wonderful mother for wanting to
help
my child, and made a future appointment with a staff psychologist
who had experience with transsexuals. She also gave me the phone
number of a local support group for transsexuals and
crossdressers, called Neutral Corner.
My next stop was the hospital library where I found articles
about the use of hormones, and the actual mechanics of sex
reassignment surgery. One study hypothesized that transsexuals
tend to have more brothers than sisters, and are further down
in
the birth order. Another theorized that some deficiencies in
the
womb can result in the birth of a transsexual. One article told
of following a group of transsexuals through a spiritual, body
and mind transformation with rights of passage. There is little
information about transsexuals after surgery because many blend
into society and just get on with their lives - they seldom come
back to report to the researchers. There were a few outdated
psychological studies of children who had gender dysphoria, based
on small research samples. But there was no advice for me. I
needed A book with step by step instructions - How To Raise a
Perfect Transsexual - that might say, "When your teenager
tells
you he is transsexual, you should do this, this, and this."
How to raise a perfect transsexual.
The local University hospital informed me that specialists
charge
$100 an hour, and it would probably take two hours to arrive
at a
diagnosis. Children's Hospital essentially told me the same,
and
the local state mental health agency had no specialists. I soon
understood that the financial arrangements were of utmost
importance, for the first question at all the medical facilities
was, "What kind of insurance do you have?" I felt I
was all on my
own. No one knew what to do, but they would try to figure it
out
for an outrageous price.
At that time, I was newly connected to the computer world,
but
even if I had surfed the web there would have been little
information available about teens with gender dysphoria. Although
my friends and relatives knew no more than I did, it was
comforting to talk to them. My mother and my older sister were
supportive and reassuring. My mother's reaction when she heard
was, "Aha! Of course! That explains so many things."
My Mexican friend and "commadre" Chula (Daniel's
godmother), was
not surprised about Daniel for she recognized that he walked
like
a girl when he was only two years old. She had no problem
understanding and accepting the situation, and had even read
articles in Mexican magazines about transsexuals. She expected
trouble with Daniel's father because of his macho attitude.
"Since he has never helped with the children," she
said, "he
better be nice or not say anything at all."
The first breakthrough came with my counseling appointment
at the
Gay and Lesbian Center. The experienced counselor looked like
a
hippie with his earring, a beard, a pipe in the pocket of a his
Hawaiian shirt, and sandals. He knew of only a few teen
transsexuals and even fewer who had gone through sex reassignment
surgery, but he answered many of my questions: he doubted that
it
was just a phase that Daniel was going through; it would not
be
easy to get hormones from a medical doctor or endocrinologist
for
a minor; street hormones are dangerous although some have
resorted to them to save money; hormones would stop some of the
hair growth and electrolysis would also help; most of the effects
of taking hormones would disappear when they were discontinued.
The success of the transsexual depends somewhat on how well he
passes as a female, and the counselor thought he could tell by
looking at a picture of Daniel whether he would pass well or
not.
He asked about Daniel's build and his father's height. I was
not
worried about him passing because I had already seen Daniel as
a
girl, and knew that he looked incredibly feminine.
He informed me that several places in the United States perform
reputable sex reassignment surgery at a cost of approximately
$10,000, and hormone therapy would probably cost $100 a month.
That information was important because I would have to find a
way
to handle the expenses.
The hormonal and surgical treatment of persons with gender
dysphoria is strictly regulated by guidelines formulated by a
group of psychiatrists, physicians and other care givers in 1979.
These Standards of Care mandated by the Harry Benjamin
International Gender Dysphoria Association (HBIGDA) specify that
a licensed clinical behavioral scientist (psychologist,
counselor, psychiatrist, or clinical social worker) with proven
competence in the field must be closely involved before sex
reassignment surgery may be permitted. These guidelines are not
written in any law, but with only a few surgeons doing sex
reassignment, all of whom agree to these guidelines, they might
as well be law.
The first step requires one of the above professionals to
evaluate the person with gender dysphoria over a period of three
months before giving a referral for hormone therapy. A year of
living full time as the opposite sex is required during which
time the person must live and work or go to school in the new
gender role before evaluation for surgery is made. Continued
contact with the therapist should be maintained during that year
because the authorization of two therapists is necessary before
the sex reassignment surgery may be considered.
I wasn't ready to think about surgery. I had more urgent needs,
such as finding the best way to help my teenager now. This first
counselor seemed to be a caring person, and someone with whom
I
felt comfortable. He said he would be glad to talk to Daniel,
but
was not set up to write a letter recommending surgery. His
services were on donation basis or were free through the Gay
and
Lesbian Center.
A man from the Neutral Corner support group
phoned me in response to my call. The group had no teen
information on hand, and he knew of no other transsexual as young
as my child. He invited me to attend their support meeting, and
to look through their library. As a result of that contact, the
wife of a crossdresser called me. She had found out her husband
was crossdressing a year or so after their marriage, but with
love and counseling they managed to deal with it. Even their
two
children knew about their father and seemed to be handling it
well. A priest told her that crossdressing was not a sin if her
husband was not hurting anyone. She was very supportive and
encouraging, and although our situations were completely
different, it was good to talk to a person with an appreciation
for the problems we faced. It was comforting to know that real
people had struggled through something similar and continued
to
live productive lives.
Most of the transsexual information that I found pertained
to
adults, so I felt I was reinventing the wheel. Parents who had
dealt with the same situation could be very helpful. What had
they found that worked? What mistakes did they make? What did
they do about school? How can parents help?
I knew that I must accept this child as a girl even though
I had
no idea how to raise a girl, much less a transsexual girl, but
I
would do my very best to make a good life for her. A change in
my
thinking and speaking would be necessary to accommodate a teenage
daughter. I vowed that by the time she came back from Arizona,
I
would be able to use her new name and female pronouns. To
practice, I chanted to myself, "I have a new daughter. Her
name
is Danielle. She is really cute. I love her." The hardest
word
for me to feel comfortable with was "daughter," since
I had
always used masculine terms for my children - "Let's go
guys. My
boys. Hey, little man, none of that." I started using the
terms
"children and kids" instead of "sons and boys."
During that time
when I was struggling with gender issues, it gave me peace to
think of my child as an angel - pure, innocent and lost, neither
male nor female. I even wondered if there might be a reason in
the bigger scheme of things, that I was given this child. The
thought "Why me?" did occur, but the answer also came right away.
"Because you can! "
It was my determination to allow Danielle to set the pace
for her
future - I would neither push her nor slow her down. It would
be
my responsibility to provide her with as much information as
possible, to discuss options with her, and to pay the bills for
any therapy or surgery. I also vowed that our home, wherever
it
was, would be her sanctuary from the world, a place where she
would be safe with no stress or disapproval from me. She would
be
welcome to go everywhere with me, just as she had in the past:
I
would not hide her or be ashamed of her.
While Danielle was experimenting with new things in Phoenix,
I
attended a birthday party where the guest of honor knew of the
recent developments concerning Danielle, but the rest of the
group did not. When the other guests inquired about my boys I
found it difficult to say anything. I made numerous trips to
the
powder room to dry my eyes.
There were several toddlers in the room, and I heard the mothers
exchanging stories about their little boys. I wanted to say,
"You think they are boys." When I saw a little boy with
a pretty face,
I wondered about his true identity. My perspective of the whole
world had changed. My sister does ultrasound examinations of
prenatal infants, and often tells the parents the gender based
upon the genitalia that she sees. I thought to myself, "Every
parent should be given a disclaimer saying that the fetus has
male genitals, but the real gender may not be apparent for years
to come."
The support group Neutral Corner has monthly meetings for
people
with gender issues. The first time I attended I sat in the
parking lot for some time trying to build up enough courage to
go
inside. I was apprehensive about the people I would meet. Finally
I went in motivated by the hope of finding answers to some of
my
questions. I admit that I was also curious to see what
transsexuals looked like.
I could not tell which ones were crossdressers or transsexuals,
or if those that appeared to be men were really males. It was
very difficult to talk to anyone because I discovered that all
my
conversation starters were based on the person's gender. When
meeting men in the past, I first tried to find out if they were
single or otherwise eligible, and then talked about their work,
sports, cars, or computers. When I met a woman, we talked
clothes, kids, work, or men. When the gender was unknown, I
struggled to make conversation. I had to rethink what I knew
about gender, things that I had previously taken for granted.
After a few minutes, a person appearing to be a male introduced
himself to me, said he was a crossdresser, but not dressed
tonight, and inquired as to the reason I was there. It was soon
evident to him that I could hardly talk without crying, so he
changed the subject to politics, and then health-care and other
gender neutral subjects. He was a good conversationalist,
intelligent, and a very nice person from all appearances. He
did
not seem to be odd, or weird, or any of the other things that
I
had feared I would find at the meeting.
Then a male and female couple revealed to me that she was
a male
to female transsexual (MtoF) and he was a female to male
transsexual (FtoM). Recently they had gone through the gender
transition together. They did not know of any young transsexual,
nor had they had experience with the schools, but they gave me
names of counselors and endocrinologists, and expressed support
as I endeavored to help my new daughter. I was happy to discover
a nice group of people in attendance who talked about computers,
families, and fashion, and I began friendships that night that
were of great help to me as I journeyed through a new and
unfamiliar territory.
As the evening progressed I was introduced to everyone, and
I
learned that many of them were successful business people with
supportive spouses. Some were crossdressers in female garb, and
some were in "drab" which meant they were not dressed
as females
that night. I learned to tell the difference. Others were MtoFs
or FtoMs, but to my surprise and pleasure, most appeared to be
happy and well adjusted. Some of the women were very fashionably
attired, while I was dressed as usual without earrings, nail
polish, or high-heels. They warmly included me in their friendly
community, and gave me several books to read from their library.
It was interesting to find books on ancient Greek mythological
figures that were transsexual and were not treated as if they
had
a mental illness. The American Indians also had many transsexuals
in their tribes who were treated with respect as leaders and
teachers because they could see the world from both the feminine
and masculine point of view. Traditional Indian society was also
very accepting of children deciding which gender, or gender roles
they wished to follow. Although the books pertained mostly to
adults, I read them anyway. I wanted to learn everything I could
on the subject. That experience with Neutral Corner gave me the
first glimmer of hope that there might be a happy and successful
future for Danielle.
* * * * *
On the way to the airport to pick up my new daughter when
she
returned from Phoenix, I wondered if I would recognize her. Would
she really be a cute teenage girl? I needn't have worried, for
she looked adorable to me - a little garish perhaps in the dress
and make-up but definitely an attractive female. She was a little
tentative about how I would accept her. When I hugged her and
let
her know that I loved tier, one of the first things she said
to
me was, "I can't go back to school as a boy. I am too happy
as a
girl to ever go back." I had already come to the same conclusion.
She thanked me over and over for letting her be a girl, and told
me how much she loved her brothers and Denise for helping her
so
much.
After a few weeks it became evident to all who knew Danielle
that
this change was a wonderful and happy process for her. She was
bubbly, exuberant and optimistic about her new life, as the
person who had been hidden inside began to emerge. She began
letting go of the male role she had tried to maintain. She still
had demons of the boy sitting on her shoulder always whispering
that the male was still present, but they were becoming quieter.
As she became more confident that others were seeing a girl,
she
let more of her beautiful character blossom and be exposed to
the
world. It was a celebration of life!
The next few weeks before school started, Danielle stayed
close
to home and very close to me. It was as if she had regressed
to
infancy and was bonding with me. She wanted to sit by me, sleep
in my room, and be with me all the time. She needed many hugs
and
frequent reassurance. How could a child in these circumstances
survive if there was no one there to hug her? She returned to
her
independent teenage self after a month or so.
Some transsexuals in Neutral Corner referred us to Mr. Hunter
as
the best counselor in the community. I went to the first
appointment with Danielle because I didn't want to turn my new
daughter over to a stranger who might convince her that she was
crazy so that he could then cure her, or one that would come
between us. Danielle wore very feminine attire, but was still
in
her garish phase - tight, short, loud - exaggerated but very
cute. The therapist talked to us about our situation a little,
but mostly told us about all of his experiences. He inquired
whether Danielle was traumatized at an early age for he claimed
to have done research to prove his theory that transsexualism
is
caused by trauma to children under 31 months of age. Daniel was
one year old at the time of the flood, and I thought his verbal
skills had been affected. He stopped making sounds at all, and
only smiled, cried, and pointed until he was three. Whether he
was influenced by early trauma made little difference at this
point, as I wanted to know what to do now.
Counselor Hunter gave us a Personal History form to fill out
and
return to him with $150.00. He told us someone else would review
it. There would also be psychological testing down the road that
would cost $700.00, but we were not to worry about that yet.
When the interview was over, he didn't tell us when he wanted
to see Danielle again. He did, however, warn us to be careful.
Apparently most transsexuals are beaten up at least once by a
date if he learns of her past.
We discovered that the questionnaire dealt mostly with adult
issues such as marriage, children, sex, and work. There was only
a small part about family, growing up, and school that we could
fill out, but we returned the form with the money. We never did
find out who was reviewing this questionnaire for him. Mr. hunter
called me a month later and referred us to an endocrinologist.
We were nearing the end of the summer and had to find some
way of getting Danielle into school. It was obvious to me that
she would
have a better chance if she went to a new school. From past
experience I had learned some secrets about getting a child into
a specific school in our district. The best way was to move into
the neighborhood near the school. There were at least two schools
with waiting lists that did not take students from the
neighborhood, but if you were the right race you might be bussed
from one neighborhood to another, depending on the racial balance
the school was trying to achieve. I had played the race game
several times with the older boys. Since my children are one-half
Hispanic and the other half a mixture of European races, I would
choose whichever race was needed for a given situation. On
several occasions I tried to do away with race questions
altogether, for I objected to choosing either Hispanic or
Caucasian. A student could not be registered as mixed racial
origin even though he was, nor could he be just American.
Finding a school that would be safe for Danielle was uppermost
in
my mind. When I asked Mr. Hunter about schools, he advised me
to
call school principals and explain the situation. When I found
a friendly person, I could register Danielle in that school.
Following his advice was not easy because the schools were
not in
session during the summer. Most of the administrators were gone
and would not be back until just before school started. Time
was running out, and if I had to move, I wanted to get started.
I decided to go directly to the top and call the school district
office. There were all kinds of "touchy-feely" committees
promoting student wellness, self esteem, and equity, so I thought
they would surely be able to help Danielle. After being
transferred from department to department, it seemed the person
who normally handled this situation was on vacation. I was
finally connected to Ellen.
"What is the school district's policy for dealing with
a
transsexual student?" I asked.
She asked several questions and then put me on hold while
she
talked to her boss. When she came back on the phone she said,
"Our policy is that we can not discriminate."
"That is not much help."
She said again, "All I can say to you is that we can
not
discriminate." It sounded as if she wanted to say more.
I hung up in tears of anger and frustration. If they could
not
discriminate then my "girl" could be in the boy's physical
education classes or with the girls, and the school authorities
could not do anything about it. Perhaps if they understood the
situation, they would not want her in either PE class. I would
wait a few more days for someone to return who supposedly knew
more about placing a special student.
After many frustrating calls, I was able to set up an appointment
to discuss the matter with a school official face-to-face. I
went
to the appointment with little hope of receiving help because
this official and I had done battle before over the race issue.
A
few years before he told me that the school district would take
me to court and designate one race for my boys since I was
refusing to specify one race for them. He didn't follow through
on that threat, and I hoped that he did not remember me or the
heated words that we exchanged at that time.
Our Policy is that we cannot discriminate.
To my surprise, he was cordial and appeared genuine in his desire to help me.
(Apparently he did not remember our other encounter.) However, he had no
previous experience with a situation like this. Upon inquiry, the computer
department informed him that a student's `name could not be changed unless the birth certificate was changed.
I knew that the name on a birth certificate can be changed, but
the gender cannot be changed until after sex reassignment surgery.
He told me about the alternative school programs available
in the
school district. One was home schooling, but I was not interested
in that. There was a program mostly for troubled teens where
they
could go at their own speed: that wouldn't do either. Danielle
was not a troubled teen and I had heard only negative reports
about this program. The third possibility was a small alternative
school that he said was "pretty laid back" with few
rules, but
promoted student responsibility. There were some gays and
lesbians attending who had not been successful in other schools.
The PE program was informal, so the students wore their regular
school clothes. This seemed to be the right place to put
Danielle, so I filled out the necessary forms. I told him I
needed to know soon because I preferred to live close to the
school rather than have her bussed across town, and it would
be
necessary to move. We left on good terms. I didn't even cry.
A few hours later he called with bad news. There was a two-year
waiting list for entrance to the alternative school.
"Is there any other school that you might consider?"
he asked.
I said, "If you can find a place where she will be protected
from
being beaten, or made fun of, and preferably, where she won't
have to take PE, let me know. Since the school principals aren't
around yet, it will be hard to talk to them."
He added, "I need to talk to one other person about the
alternative school. Maybe there is some hope of getting her in
if
that person talks to the principal."
So it was still a very frustrating waiting game, with time
getting shorter. At the beginning of August, I had given my 30
days notice to the apartment manager, so we had to move soon.
In talking to friends and teachers, I discovered there were quite
a few of the teachers' children in this alternative school
program. I wondered how long they had been on the "list."
A week
later, when I was reaching the end of my patience, I talked to
David about the alternative school where I thought Danielle would
be safe. My plan was to ask the school district to provide me
with information on the length of time every student in the
school had been on the waiting list. Then I would say I thought
they were playing favorites and would loudly demand justice.
David said, "Mother, Mother. Go down to the school district
again
and tell them you are on the verge of going crazy because you
are
so worried about your new daughter. You don't want her to be
hurt
or commit suicide and you don't know what to do and pour on a
few
tears. "
Although I hate to stoop to such feminine tactics, I did what
he
said. The tears did come easily, and it worked. School
administrators came back from vacation, strings were pulled,
and
they finally told me I could register Danielle the next Friday.
They suggested I register her by her new name and not give too
much information. The school principal knew about Danielle's
situation, and suggested that the school guidance counselor be
told also. He also told me that another transsexual student had
attended the school the year before, so I asked if there was
any
way that I could talk to the parents. The school administrator
agreed to give the parents my number, and they could contact
me
if they wanted to talk to me. It seemed that the school district
actually had a heart after all.
While Danielle was having her first appointment with the
endocrinologist, I registered her for school. There were the
usual numerous and redundant forms to be filled out, and the
request for previous records. I told the registration clerk that
Danielle had been to school in Canada, and I did not have the
address with me. This was partly true for she had attended a
few
months of school in Canada while living with my brother a year
or
two earlier. Danielle and I had decided to change her birth date
by a year so when her previous name and her new name appeared together on the computer listing, it would not be a
cause for
suspicion. We had doctored the name on the immunization card
by
adding the two more letters of her new name to the handwritten
form. And this time I didn't make a fuss about the race question.
We forgot to change dates on the immunization papers, and
that
came back to haunt us a year later when someone noticed she was
immunized before she was born. I claimed I just couldn't keep
track of all my children's birthdays.
In my own mind, when I tried to justify the lying about names
and
gender, I decided it was necessary to make the corrections now
because the true facts were not known when she was born. I began
to call it truthing - the truth as I saw it. Sometimes you have
to do what you have to do. Getting her safely situated was more
important to me than the information the school officials or
the
state bureaucrats needed to know. When we claimed Danielle was
a
new student, all her previous records went to the unclaimed
record file, wherever that is.
There were other reasons to be apprehensive about Danielle's
schooling, for Daniel could never quite keep up with his class
in
school. Even during his pre-school years, it was evident that
he
had trouble with numbers and money. He wanted to play card games
and was quick to learn the rules, but could not count the spots
on cards above six. When he went to kindergarten he could only
identify his lunch money as the big coin, the middle sized, and
the little one - meaning a quarter, nickel and dime. We thought
he was color blind because he could not learn the names of
colors, although he noticed and remarked about colors and
textures more than most children his age. When he was asked what
he liked about the new kindergarten he was attending, he said,
"I
like it because it has such nice colors." On the first day
of
school, he had noticed that the door to each room around the
court yard was painted a different pastel color.
Even though the school promoted him, I held Daniel back to
repeat
the first grade. He was still struggling with the letters of
the
alphabet, but not because he didn't try. He loved his teacher
and
she loved him, and there was no disruptive behavior. He seemed
bright enough, but because of his confusion about letters and
numbers, we suspected some learning disability. I had him tested
by an educational psychologist at a university. The results were
that he had no learning disability, but was not as mature as
one
would expect at his age. He was tested again at the end of the
second year of first grade when he had still not mastered the
basics. The result was the same - he would be all right when
he
matured a little more.
As he progressed in school he continued to have difficulty
with
letters and numbers, and particularly in learning the
multiplication tables. He would learn the sixes, but by the time
he learned the sevens, he had forgotten the sixes no matter how
much I helped him or how hard he tried. He was such a loving
and
happy boy that I couldn't get impatient with him. He did very
well with coloring and crafts, and had an extraordinary
appreciation for art and beauty. He was very sensitive to the
feelings of other, and always noticed when someone felt sad,
ill,
or unhappy. I had read that such sensitivity is common in girls,
who are able to pick up subtle clues and notice small change
of
facial expressions, but is unusual in a boy. But Daniel had no
idea about yesterday or tomorrow, or the meaning of night and
morning. He used the words interchangeably. He liked to cook
and
learned to read enough to follow a recipe, but I didn't think
he
would ever learn more fractions than those used in the cook book.
Daniel's feminine demeanor and behavior had, however, been
of
some concern to a few of the teachers and counselors in the
school system.
"Your son swishes when he walks," said Daniel's
third grade
teacher. I knew she meant that his hips swayed and he walked
like
a girl. "Every time the children are walking in line to
and from
the classroom, I tell him to quit swishing."
I knew he "swished" when he walked. I was just sorry
that Daniel
had to be hassled by this thoughtless teacher. I told her, "If
it
is not getting in the way of his learning, please ignore it.
Please stop pointing it out and just leave him alone."
She seemed to have little understanding of children, and we
had
no choice of teachers because she was the only one for that
grade. So we moved to another school.
It was a school counselor who called the next year. "Do
you know
your son is playing with girls on the playground at recess?"
I
thought, "Why is that harmful? Girls are people, too, and
why
should it matter that he wants to play with them.?"
The counselor went on to say. "Your son has been overheard
saying
that he wants to be a girl."
What do you think I should do about that?" I asked.
"Well, don't encourage it," was his answer. "Ten
is way too young
to know about sexual orientation." I did mention the conversation
to Daniel, but he evaded the subject.
When Daniel was in eighth grade, I was called to the school
for a
conference with both the school nurse and the counselor.
"Your son needs counseling," was their advice to
me.
"Why do you think so?"
"Because he cries when the other children make fun of
him."
It sounded to me as if they were trying to treat the symptoms
without treating the disease. I figured they were advising
counseling for Daniel so as to change his behavior because they
could not control the children who were teasing and calling him
names. They never came right out and said he was gay, but they
beat around that bush for awhile.
When I asked for a referral to a good counselor, they did
not
know of any, and the school district had no such counselors.
* * * * *
When I talked to the endocrinologist after Danielle's first
visit, I was pleased to find that he had a positive attitude
although he had not seen many transsexuals as young as Danielle.
He gave her the prescription for hormones, and had blood drawn
for lab work. Danielle was thrilled to have reached that
important milestone. In the waiting room were two persons I had
previously met at a support meeting, and they were very much
impressed that Danielle passed so well already. Comments like
these made me teary-eyed, but I tried to keep from crying in
front of Danielle so as not to worry or stress her.
From the doctor's office, we went to the new apartment
to sign
papers, then we headed for the drug store. I had just said to
Danielle, "I can't handle anything more today," when
I noticed
that the gas gauge was on empty.
It had been a good day overall, but dealing with school
registration, appointments, forms, money, and decisions had
drained me emotionally. At the service station, I went to use
the
phone to answer a page while Danielle pumped the gas. When I
jumped out of the car I locked the keys inside. That was the
last
straw. I walked toward the back of the station, sat down in a
flower bed, and cried and cried. Poor Danielle! The men at the
station were trying unsuccessfully to unlock the car while
casting quick glances my way wondering if they had a crazy person
on their hands. Meanwhile, Danielle was cool and calm. She called
the automobile association and soon the mechanic arrived to
unlock the door. By then I had gotten the storm out of my system
and we went on to get her hormones - ironically, the same
hormones I was struggling to keep under control. Although we
had
been told that hormones would not make immediate changes, she
was
still very anxious to get started. We have since had several
good
laughs about my sitting in the flowerbed at the gas station
crying. The way she handled the stressful situation and a mother
"on the edge" demonstrated her maturity.
We had to solve the problem of filling Danielle's empty bra.
Teen
girls pad with Kleenex, and there are prosthetics to use
following a mastectomy, but Danielle needed something in between.
Even the bras with the most padding were not full enough to suit
her. We tried several homemade remedies such as shoulder pads
cut
down to the right size, but Danielle had the feeling that people
could tell because they didn't look real. She thought people
were
looking at her breasts everywhere she went.
What were others using full time and successfully? At my
first
meeting with the Neutral Corner support group, I asked two
friendly persons how they padded their bras. They realized it
was
a very serious question, and gave me good information. The pads are
called breast forms. There are several options on the market,
and they each used a different kind. Since breast forms are
expensive and not easy to find, they volunteered to meet with
Danielle and show her the kind of undergarments they wore. These
two people accepted my invitation for coffee later in the week.
One person came dressed as a very proper mature female, and the
other in business attire with white shirt, tie, and his boobs
in
a box. The scene was so humorous to me, that I could hardly keep
from giggling. Two grown men, one dressed as a woman and one
as a business man showing what looked like a teenage girl the
differences in fake breasts. But I knew this was a crucial matter.
One set of breast forms was silicone and looked much like
a
post-mastectomy breast prosthesis. It felt best to the touch.
The
other was a breast shaped pocket with little round bags filled
with sand. The breast shape could be enlarged by adding more
sandbags or made smaller by removing some of the little bags.
We
chose the second type, called "Bosom Buddies" because
it appeared
to be more durable which would probably be best for an active
teenager. We learned how to purchase them at a cost of just over
$100.00 a set.
When Danielle started wearing "Bosom Buddies" she
still felt
insecure as they seemed to move around. She was afraid they might
come loose from her bra and become lodged where she did not want
them. To solve that problem, I sewed snaps on the cloth outer
pocket and placed snaps in her bra to match. These have worked
satisfactorily for more than two years now. As the hormones
kicked in and she grew small tender breasts of her own, she just
took out some of the little sand bags. These were difficult to
use for swimming because she only had one set and they required
several hours to dry.
I will long remember and be grateful for the help that those
two
crossdressers gave us. It was comical, but most beneficial.
Danielle used tight girdle type underwear, sometimes two or
three pair on top of each other to give her confidence that
hidden parts would stay hidden. The term for this is tucking.
Hormones do help in keeping things under control as well.
Just before school started, the parents of a transsexual teen
the
same age as Danielle called to invite us to their home, but I
went alone to protect Danielle from any unforeseen difficulty.
Laura and her parents showed a great interest in Danielle,
and
Laura was very much disappointed that Danielle had not
accompanied me. Her mom and step-dad seemed pleased to talk with
me as we discussed the way we had each raised our special child.
We agreed that there was no reason for us to feel guilty. Laura's
mom had wanted a girl, but knew that simply wishing did not cause
her son to be a girl. I had always been glad that I had boys.
As we talked, I learned that Laura's favorite movie was
Cinderella, while Danielle's was Pretty Woman, both movies
showing a woman taking on a new identity. Laura had tried to
make
her transition while attending her local high school, but when
that proved to be unsuccessful she transferred to the same
alternative program that Danielle would soon be starting. Since
Laura did not do very well at that school either, she was doing
home schooling. She was very frank in explaining the changes
that
hormones had made in her body - enlarged breasts, redistribution
of fat, no erections. Luckily she had never had much facial hair.
It was reassuring to me to see her parents handling the situation
with understanding. They made it all seem so easy. They were
not
involved in the transgendered community.
When I returned home and gave Laura's telephone number to
Danielle, she immediately phoned her. They talked for hours that
first day and they have been talking ever since. They shared
clothes, makeup tips, and friends. Laura had a collection of
Barbie dolls that kept them occupied. Laura had blond hair, a
low
sexy voice and looked like a movie star. And she liked to change
the color and style of her hair weekly. She seemed to need more
attention and excitement than Danielle, so she always knew where
things were happening, and wanted to be there. She was more
emotional than Danielle, and was quicker to tell people that
she
was transsexual, but didn't "out" Danielle - that is,
didn't
reveal that Danielle was also a transsexual. I sometimes wondered
if Laura's influence was entirely good for Danielle, but thought
perhaps Danielle was good for Laura. They formed a close bond
because they shared a unique experience.
As soon as Danielle got her driver's license, she and Laura
did
something together every weekend. They explored the coffee shops
in the gay-friendly part of town, but Danielle quickly tired
of
that because the men paid no attention to her. They also visited
the nightclubs in Mexico where Danielle could flirt her way in
with no identification.
I didn't see Laura's parents often, but we knew a lot about
each
other's teenager, and we knew where to call when they were late
getting home. When Danielle was out too late, I just hoped she
was having fun because she deserved some happiness. The girls
spent many nights at the home of one or the other - that was
their story anyway. I hoped that they wouldn't get in trouble
with the law, because in our town there is a law against
crossdressing during the committing of any other crime with the
intent of fraud. Most jails will put pre-operative transsexuals
with those of like genitalia, in other words both Danielle and
Laura would have been put in with men.
Danielle never felt a need for the support groups with which
I
was involved, but she and Laura stopped by occasionally to humor
me and show off how well they were doing. They enjoyed being
told
how cute they were.
I felt that Laura's parents had a tendency to spoil her, and
realized that I did the same with Danielle. One instance was
while we were shopping for jewelry for Danielle's prom. She liked
a set that cost $80, and I had justified in my mind that she
deserved the expensive jewelry. She then found a very similar
set
that cost only $20 which we bought. As we left, she said, 'Now
we
can spend the $60 we saved." We didn't, but I thought to
myself,
she is a true female.
Life had dealt both Danielle and Laura a
difficult hand, so as their parents, we wanted to do all we could
to make it easier for them.
* * * * *
We had found an apartment that looked like a decent place
to live
near the new school, and started the moving process. We were
good
at moving because we did it so often.
But this move was different. I had to chuckle to myself when
I
realized my attitude toward my daughter had changed. In the past
two moves since Ben and David had left, I had let my youngest
teenage son carry heavy things, and take on the weighty tasks.
Now I kept wanting to tell my new teenage daughter to be careful
when lifting heavy items, and I was willing to shoulder more
of
the load to spare her. Until then, I had been unaware of such
gender-biased attitudes, but now they popped up once in a while.
Danielle, on the other hand, felt just as strong as ever, and
was
just as willing do her share and more to spare me the heaviest work. She
wanted us to make the move by ourselves without any help from men. She had
not adopted the attitude of a helpless,
defenseless female, but rather wanted to be an independent woman.
I had prided myself on having this same attitude, but that day
I
would have gladly accepted help in moving.
Another instance of having to examine my attitude toward my
new
daughter was that I did not want her to drive in Mexico even
though her brothers had at the same age.
As the first day of school neared, I was very apprehensive
for
Danielle. One of the reasons we chose this new school was because
of its open campus policy so she could come home anytime she
felt
uncomfortable. She was still self-conscious, and she felt she
had
to come home at noon and shave. She wasn't self-conscious about
her wardrobe however. She had all of the latest fashions and
wearing these clothes helped boost her confidence. She was also
very unsure of her voice. Since she has started hormones before
a
deep male voice evolved, she had a better chance of maintaining
a
more feminine voice. Her voice was at the lower range of female
and to my ear, very acceptable, but a source of concern for
Danielle.
At the end of that first day of school, I was very much relieved
to learn that all had gone well for her. She was happy with the
situation, and no one had guessed that she had attended school
as
a boy the year before. She had the option of using the nurse's
restroom, but was afraid it would arouse attention, so she used
the girl's restroom. If there was ever a problem, she took
comfort in knowing that she could reach me through my pager at
any time. Since I am self-employed, I make my own hours and can
leave at a moment's notice. She tried not to worry me, but there
were several occasions when I went home to be with her. She still
needed frequent reassurance and hugs. The hormones seemed to
cause a roller-coaster of emotions. Some days she just cried.
I
told her, "Sometimes women have crying days. It is called
water
build-up, and sometimes you just have to cry before you feel
better."
She called me once when she came home early from a school
dancebecause she had a zit on her nose. The next time she danced until
they turned out the lights in a new dress she made for the
occasion. I was glad that she was having the opportunity to be
a
girl - zits and all. She and I often went Country Western Dancing
together and then, as she met other teens, she attended dances
for teens only. When I picked her up one night after a dance,
the
adult chaperones told me they thought Danielle was a sweetheart
and very mature. People often said that about her, and I always
thought, " You have no idea." On the way home she told
me of an
ugly scene that occurred. "Some older girls were mimicking
other
kids and making fun of them," she said. "They kept
pointing at me
while I was dancing. I stopped and faced them and told them I
was
tired of them making fun of everyone. They called me names and
asked me to go outside and fight. I told them I didn't want to
fight. I was just tired of them making fun of me because they
were jealous of how well I danced. Danielle felt she handled
herself well, and thought the other girls made themselves look
stupid. They left after making threats to harm her and even kill
her. She explained to me, " Fifteen years of pent up anger at
people making fun of me came to the surface and I took it all
out
on those two girls." I was proud of her and sad that her
earlier
life had been so hard.
Sometimes women have crying
days.
* * * * *
My work took me out of town overnight twice a month. I used
to
leave Daniel alone, but now it was different leaving Danielle.
She assured me that she would be all right alone at night, but
I
wanted to be near to protect her. When I couldn't be there, I
arranged for friends to come stay with her.
She had a great desire to have a girl's bed. I didn't know
that
beds had gender, but we went looking for a feminine bed. We found a single waterbed with a pretty headboard with mirrors and
shelves. I had to admit that it did look as if it belonged in
a
girl's room. When we got it home, we struggled unsuccessfully
to
put it together, so we finally swallowed our pride and asked
for
help from a man. My sister's son, who is the same age as
Danielle, sent her a pretty blown-glass bottle from a trip to
Europe, which she put on this headboard. His gesture of love
and
acceptance meant a great deal to Danielle.
The first school year went quite smoothly, and she made amazing
advances in her school studies. I was sure that I would have
to
help her with algebra, but she did it by herself from the
beginning. Her English and writing improved, and she advanced
by
leaps and bounds in all her work. It was as if someone had turned
on the lights. Things were suddenly making sense. The teachers
were talking her language. Now she could think about school and
learning instead of being overloaded by unexplained feelings
and
emotions.
One day I met some of Danielle's teachers in a coffee shop
before
school. They were very complimentary: they praised me for the
way
my daughter had been raised. When they told me what a good
teenager she was, I had to bite my tongue. They never could have
imagined the handicap with which Danielle was coping. It became
a
part of my life to accept the praise without revealing her
secret.
I wanted everyone to share with me the joy and beauty
of this new
person, but Danielle didn't want everyone to know so I had to
keep it to myself around her friends, her teachers and the
neighborhood. The Neutral Corner support group was one place
where I could share my feelings and pride in Danielle's
accomplishments. They knew what a struggle it had been, and I
knew they could keep secrets. I hoped my need to tell others
would eventually fade - but it hasn't.
Physical Education had been a major concern when we were choosing
a high school for Danielle. Counselor Hunter recommended that
we
have a family doctor write a medical reason such as a heart
problem to get her excused. We have a doctor in our family who
said he would be glad to do that for Danielle, but as it turned
out we did not need to go that route. At the alternative school,
students were not required to dress down for PE except to wear
tennis shoes. As Danielle gained confidence in herself she even
began to enjoy PE, a class that she had never liked before.
She once mentioned the Presidential Fitness testing program,
"I
am trying to do more than is required by the girls because I
feel
like I am cheating a little." She was still adjusting her
thinking to accommodate this new gender - relating her
performance to the previous male requirements, even though she
looked like a female.
The second year she wanted to attend a mainstream school and
be
in regular PE classes, changing into PE clothes with other girls
in the locker room. I wanted to save her from possible
embarrassment or problems, but again I bit my tongue and let
her
attempt anything that she was brave enough to try. I did not
want
to slow her down, or make her paranoid because of my fears.
Thinking about another mother finding out about Danielle gave
me
nightmares. If the school district's policy had allowed her to
substitute dance for PE, or not to take it at all, I would have
been more comfortable. We decided that we could move to another
part of town if she were discovered.
We asked about showers before making our final decision about
tile Mainstream school. Showering for PE was optional, due to
the
parents of Eastern religions not allowing their sons and
daughters to undress In front of anyone. This was one of the
few
religious rules that I ever thought made good sense. As far as
I
am concerned, it is a barbaric practice to have self-conscious
teens, at different stages of puberty, undress in front of one
another. Danielle wore a halter top over her bra, and her usual
girdle type underwear to maintain modesty while she changed.
As the year progressed, she even joined the track and field
team
in an effort to maintain a healthy body. Again I worried about
her competing against other schools because I feared someone
might recognize her and object to her running on the girl's team.
She did her best, but due to the heavy doses of hormones, she
would run out of steam before the end of a race. When I attended
track meets, I listened as other mothers talked about the
problems they had with their children, but I had to keep quiet
about Danielle. I wanted to tell them how proud I was of my
unique, amazing teenager, but I remained silent. Talking to a
coach about Danielle seemed like a wise thing to do so he would
not be blind-sided if any questions arose, but I didn't - and
there were no problems.
Danielle noticed that some of the other girls on the track
and
field team had no more breasts than she did, but she wasn't
convinced that she could go without her breast forms.
During two years of trial and error, we found several workable
options for a transsexual student facing PE in high school. The
district nurse told me that it was easy to be excused from PE
in
our school district. A student with a health problem, birth
defect or other condition causing difficulty in social adjustment
could obtain a mental health excuse. No one had volunteered this
information to me when we started inquiring about PE. our
district also gives PE credits to students who are doing another
physical activity outside of school hours such as swimming or
soccer.
Danielle was in a choir class during the second year of high school where the students learned both music and dance in
preparation for a show they would put on at the end of the semester. The costume and shoes cost $60.00, and I reluctantly
gave her the money.
When the costume arrived, Danielle was upset because the outfit
for the girls was so skimpy. The neck was low cut to be worn
off the shoulder, and the high cut legs were inadequately covered
by a very short skirt. She could not wear her bra or girdle underwear
with the outfit, and would feel altogether very uncomfortable.
A few inches of material made a big difference in this setting.
I wondered about the judgment of the flaky male teacher who
chose the inappropriate costume that definitely did not comply
with school regulations. My first impulse was to make war with
the school, but Danielle wanted to handle it herself by quitting
the class without making waves. She did it her way, but later
I did got my two cents in when other questions and concerns about
this class arose.
Danielle had to meet some difficult situations, but she seemed
to be adjusting well in school. Although she was so brave in
some instances, this time she just wanted to walk away.
She showed a surprising maturity by knowing which fights to
fight. She chose her wars wisely, differently from the way I
chose to fight every battle that came along.
During the years since my divorce, I had kept the boys in
contact
with their Mexican family, and had tried to maintain a civil
relationship with their father for the sake of the children.
The
boys and I went down to visit the Mexican relatives on many
special family occasions, and we were always accepted as part
of
the family. Daniel and his Mexican grandmother had a special
bond, so his grandmother was heartbroken when we left to live
in
the States. Daniel spent several summer vacations with her in
Mexico.
Salvador later remarried, moved to California, and had two
more
children. My boys really liked their half-siblings, and Daniel
especially was thrilled to have a half-sister. My children
visited their father frequently and even baby-sat the little
ones. The stepmother didn't mind having my children around, and
my boys would occasionally ride to Mexico with their father and
his family to visit relatives.
Danielle's father was a Roman Catholic with little education,
and
had a closed mind about people whom he considered different.
During the transition from Daniel to Danielle, she talked to
her
father about her feelings, explaining that she was really a girl.
She purposely did not dress as a girl during this discussion
with
him. When she told me about the meeting with her father, she
said
he had been understanding, and I hoped for the best. Shortly
after that, Danielle returned on a bus late one evening from
a
visit with her Mexican family. I asked Salvador to pick her up
at
the border because he lived closer than I did.
It was the first time he
had seen her dressed as a girl.
It was the first
time he had seen her dressed as a girl. I met them at his house,
and watched as Danielle thanked him and tried to hug him as she
said good-by. Her father turned away rejecting her. It was
apparent from his angry looks at me, that he thought I had
purposely set up this situation. His apparent understanding about
her change disappeared when he actually saw her as a girl.
After that, when Danielle happened to be visiting in the small
Mexican town at the same time as her father, he would leave.
He
once walked out of the Catholic church when she entered. He did
the same when she arrived during a meal at the home of relatives.
On numerous occasions I talked to him about Danielle, and
how
much it would mean to her if he would see her. I requested he
speak to a Catholic priest whom I knew to be understanding of
the
transsexual community. Her father's response to that was,
"Danielle is the one with the problem. She needs to talk
to the
priest."
Her older brothers also talked to their father and his wife
to no
avail. After a year or more David and Ben began to distance
themselves from their father because of his continued rejection
of their sister. Danielle continued to call her father who would
talk to her on the phone, but would not visit or meet her, and
he
didn't attend any of the important events in her life. Even
though her heart was breaking, she continued calling him still
hoping that she could win him over. She sadly missed her little
half-brother and sister. When a new girl baby was born, Danielle
was not allowed to get acquainted with her at all.
Her Mexican Grandma tried to ignore the issue until Danielle
went
to visit her in a frilly dress, with high-heeled boots and a
purse.
Her grandmother's first words were, "How come you are
carrying a
purse?"
During that visit Danielle and her Grandma laughed and cried
together, and Grandma was convinced that Danielle was happier
living as a girl. In the same courageous manner, Danielle faced
the rest of the family, and the aunts and cousins soon treated
her as if she had always been a girl.
One male cousin became very protective and watched out for
her
safety when he took her to dances and rodeos. She went to the
dances in the little town where everyone had known her before
as
a boy. At first the guys would not ask her to dance, but her
cousins did, and soon several others became her friends and
danced with her too. Because she was brave and proud, others
did
not see her as an outcast, and soon she was being treated as
a
celebrity. She returned from her visits happy but exhausted
because it was still stressful for her to be watched all the
time.
Her father and one of his brothers continued to reject her,
and
would not attend family functions if she was going to be there.
Her father sent her messages telling her not to attend dances
in
his hometown, and not to talk to his children if she saw them.
She ignored the messages. She was deeply hurt by the strife in
the family, and felt that she was the cause.
Again and again I told her, "It is not your fault, and
your
father is the only one that can stop the strife by changing his
attitude."
Her father blamed the rest of the family for accepting her
because he felt that she would not have continued her process
of
becoming female if the whole family had rejected her in the
beginning.
Often I am thankful that I did not have to face Daniel's gender
problems while living with Salvador because the difficulties
of
the transition would have been magnified many times over. Trying
to protect Danielle and preserve the marriage would have tom
me
apart.
Sometimes I feel sorry for her Dad because he is missing out
on
so much. At other times I hate him for hurting her and being
so
selfish, thinking only about himself. I cannot understand a
parent rejecting a child, especially such a beautiful, kind,
and
happy child as Danielle. How can he possibly have peace in his
heart?
* * * * *
Because she was brave and proud,
others did not see her as an outcast.
My social outlet for many years has been community theater.
I do
stage managing, and participate in other behind-the-scene
activities to make sure the show goes on, but I have no desire
to
be in the spotlight on the stage.
Among the theater community, I have made several very good
friends through the years, and some are gay or lesbian. It was
while I was in the middle of rehearsals for "Ten Little
Indians,"
working with my favorite director and several friends, that I
found out about Danielle. I tried not to let my personal problems
interfere with the play, but sometimes I would cry for no
apparent reason at all. I finally told my friends in the cast
about Danielle because she would be attending rehearsals with
me.
They had known my boys as they were growing up, and were very
interested and supportive when they learned of the situation.
When Danielle went to the theater with me one night, my friends
acted as if they had known her as a girl all along - it was no
big deal. They even got her name right! One of her favorite
actors hugged her and told her she was cute. The actors that
did
not know her before had no inkling that something momentous was
happening.
There were some interesting situations when new actors flirtedwith Danielle and tried to get better acquainted. Although I
wanted to protect her from getting hurt and avoid embarrassment
for the actors, there was not much I could do. However, the
director once warned a newcomer that Danielle was "jail
bait"
since she looked so much older than fifteen. I was surprised
that
my friends who knew about her did not tell any of the other
theater people.
Danielle went to an annual awards banquet with me where many
of
our friends greeted her warmly and gave her compliments on her
appearance. One man asked her if hormones had given her that
great shape. I thought she would be offended by such a direct
question, but she answered in the affirmative and then hugged
him.
Later she told me, "He was the only person that actually
said
anything directly to me about my new situation. That really made
me feel good. Everyone else just told me how good I looked, but
ignored the real subject."
It was my belief that my FRIENDS would understand,
and they did.
* * * * *
Daniel had started shaving at age thirteen because he had
quite a
growth of facial hair - unlike his father and older brothers
who
had sparse beards. In the past I had remarked that some girls
like guys with lots of hair, never realizing what a heartache
all
that hair caused for Daniel. Just when we were trying to deal
with hormones, counseling, moving to a new apartment and a new
school, we also had to deal with the matter of removing
Danielle's facial hair by electrolysis.
One of our crossdresser friends recommended an electrologist,
and
Danielle arranged for an appointment. She and I went together
for
the first meeting where the electrologist explained the
procedure, but could not answer all the questions I asked. How
long would she have to have electrolysis, and how much would
it
cost? She said it depends on many variables, including pain
threshold, type of skin, and genetic makeup
She further explained that Danielle would eventually need
electrolysis around her genitals in preparation for surgery,
so
she wanted a picture of Danielle without clothes. Danielle didn't
seem to mind so I didn't make a big deal out of it, but since
then I have learned that taking nude pictures is not an accepted
practice. Although the electrologist and I became friends, we
never did see or talk about the picture she took that day.
Thus began the many hours Danielle spent in electrolysis,
and the
many dollars I spent paying for it. Electrolysis is a slow
process and some days I was not sure we were making any progress
at all. We heard that it might take as many as 300 hours. There
were days when Danielle stayed home from school because her
facial hair was too long to hide and she couldn't shave the day
of an electrolysis appointment. We called them bad hair days.
Days when I was out of town, Danielle took the responsibility
of getting to her appointment on her own by bus or roller blades.
As I carefully observed the procedure, I thought it might
be
something that I could do. It would be a great savings to me,
and
it might eventually become another part time business. Through
research, I learned that 600 hours of class and an examination
were required for State Board Certification, but the nearest
school was 100 miles away. I started the classes just after
Danielle had completed her first year of treatment. I enjoyed
the
training and the hours of practice on Danielle. She taught me
to
be gentle, patient and careful during the procedure, and to talk
to her at the same time. We had many good conversations while
I
was working on her, and we became even closer as we spent this
time together.
Electrolysis is an art form, not a science. The pain, money
and
time spent in electrolysis weeds out those with just a passing
fancy for changing to the opposite gender.
Danielle accompanied me to class on several occasions where
the
other students were amazed at her feminine appearance. We spent
many nights at motels near the classroom to maximize my time
at
school. I worked at my other contract jobs during the days
between classes. I never wasted a minute - a habit that I
cultivated while raising my three children.
By the time I finished my classes and the required practice
hours, and passed the State Board examination, I had rented an
office. My part time electrolysis business grew by word of mouth
through the transgendered community. They seemed to feel
comfortable with me since I knew the problems they were
experiencing while in transition. In time my business developed
into a haven where the transgendered were comfortable and knew
they were welcome. My clients started popping in between
appointments to network with others in the community. Regularly
scheduled social gatherings evolved from this. My efforts seemed
to encourage a community spirit among the transsexuals as they
became better acquainted and reached out to one another.
The rewards of my business were more than financial. My sister
sometimes says to me, "You seem to have made lemonade out
of
lemons." To which Ben always adds, "Damn good lemonade."
We never did any genital electrolysis on Danielle because
we
learned from those in our area that had gone through surgery
without it, that none of them had complications. There have been
a few reports of hair in the new vagina which is unpleasant,
but
has not caused other medical problems like infection. There seems
to be no consensus among surgeons as to which area requires
electrolysis. At this point in time, I think that the cure is
worse than the problem.
* * * * *
One of Danielle's friends invited her to go with the Scouts
to
the Colorado River on a canoe trip. She was to take food, water,
and everything she needed for the four days in a small canoe.
She
was required to learn canoeing and to be able to swim. When I
took her to a small lake for the canoeing classes, she was eager
to learn and did very well.
The group was to include both Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts,
so
Danielle would be sleeping in a tent with other girls. The group
also included several adults whom I found to be very friendly.
I
thought it would be wise to tell at least one of them about
Danielle, but she did not want me to tell anyone. After
discussing the situation at length, we decided that if there
was
a problem, I could be there in three hours to bring her home.
She was trained in survival techniques and had to pass some
swim
tests, in case the canoe overturned. Each of the Scouts had to
jump into the water fully clothed over a swim suit, remove their
clothes, and swim a lap. They were told not to wear jeans or
sweats because they would be too heavy when wet. For the test
Danielle chose a pair of nylon jogging pants with elastic around
the ankles. I was watching from the bleachers with interest but
not concern because I knew that Danielle was a strong swimmer.
She jumped in and almost immediately began to struggle and
looked frightened. When she entered the water, her nylon pants
immediately filled with water The nylon material and the elastic
around the ankles kept all of the water in her pants causing
her
to be dragged under. Before I could get out of the bleachers,
she
turned to the life guard and called for help. He went right in
and brought her to the edge. It was amazing to me how quickly
even a good swimmer could get in trouble in the water.
Since she had satisfactorily completed all the other water
activities, the leaders did not make her repeat that test. They
did tell her not to wear those pants on the trip. After she
stopped shaking and calmed down, we headed for home.
She asked me, "Did you see how cute the lifeguard was?
I wonder
if he could tell that I was wearing breast forms when he put
his
arm across my chest."
We bought all the required supplies including a very conservative
swimsuit - a one piece, with boy legs, and a high neckline so
she
could wear her bra. She wore very tight cutoff shorts most of
the
time, and a shirt tied in front. No matter what she wore, she
looked sexy even when nothing was showing but her tummy. We made
a little bag for her wet breast forms so she could hang them
up
to dry over night. She left on the trip, and I tried to keep
busy
so that I would not worry.
She slept in a tent with four other girls and a female counselor.
They went in pairs to visit the bathroom facilities - the bushes
- and she Was careful to be well hidden. At one of the overnight
stops, there were showers. She kept her underwear on while she
showered since the curtains were not very substantial.
She had fun on the outing and had no problems, but found canoeing
on the river rather boring. It was good for her to participate
in
the Girl Scout experience as one of the things that girls do.
I
was sorely tempted to tell the Girl Scouts that they had taken
a
transsexual with them on the river trip and no harm had been
done, but I didn't. At a later speaking engagement, I told the
audience about the river trip. A Scout leader came up after the
program to tell me that he would have been required to put
Danielle in a tent by herself if he had known, even though he was understanding and a crossdresser himself.
* * * * *
Danielle learned about the New Images Theater Group sponsored
by
Planned Parenthood. They were all teens that did skits and stage
plays dealing with teen issues. She auditioned to be part of
the
troupe. If she was accepted, there would be a stipend of $200.00
a month. Although I worried about the auditions because I feared
that she might be very disappointed if she did not get a part,
she was very confident that she could do it and would be part
of
the group.
The would-be actors were asked to portray an animal at the
auditions, and Danielle chose to be a cat. Everyone laughed when
her imitation sounded like a cat having an orgasm. She was a
little embarrassed. There were other impromptu acts required
that
included singing and dancing. I was very proud of her that she
was chosen to be a member of the troupe.
The members of the theater represented ethnic and sexual
diversity They wrote and produced their own skits and they were
very well done. Danielle learned about child and sexual abuse,
contraception, body parts, counseling, and acceptance of
diversity. During a training session on transsexuals, the leader
told what she knew, then Danielle added to the information
claiming that she had a friend who was transsexual. The group
went on camping trips and overnight outings together and became
very close. I wanted to tell the leader about Danielle because
I
thought that this group of kids would be supportive and
understanding, but Danielle did not want them to know yet. She
seemed more comfortable around people that did not know about
her
past.
After many performances, when the group had been together
almost
a year, they went on an overnight trip. The kids became pretty
emotional after the performance, and as often happens at a
slumber party, they told their secrets to each other. The leader
was trying to divide the group into acceptable sleeping
arrangements in the one large empty room that was their abode for
the night. Each teen had a sleeping bag and none of them were
in
romantic relationships, but she sent the boys to one corner of
the room and the girls to another. One of the girls told the
leader that if she was trying to prevent sex, this would not
work
because at least one of the girls was a lesbian, and at least
one
of the boys was gay. The leader then attempted to divide the
straight and gays from each other. It was at this Danielle
decided it was time to reveal her secret. The leader later told
me that she gave up then, and let the kids all sleep together
in
the middle of the room. She just didn't have the heart to make
Danielle sleep in an area all by herself after such an emotional
revelation. I was very grateful for such an understanding leader.
The others were amazed when they heard. They hugged her and cried
with her. Danielle was happy that she had let her friends know
about her past, and that they were very supportive..
When Danielle's year with New Images was over, she helped
with
the training session about transsexuals for the next group. The
year with this group was very good for her self-confidence, and
I
was thankful that she had received a sound education on many
controversial issues.
One time Danielle rode to a party with several of her friends,
but the boy that drove the car became so drunk that Danielle
had
to find another way home. Another time she was frightened because
the driver was speeding. I was anxious for Danielle to get a
driver's license and bought her a used pick-up as soon as she
was
old enough so as to avoid such uncomfortable and dangerous
circumstances. If she were in control of the vehicle she could
leave if she found herself in an unsafe or awkward situation.
She
had more common sense and was more responsible and mature than
other teens with whom I had become aquainted.
A new law had just
passed in our state requiring every new applicant for a driver's
license to show a birth certificate. This was to verify age and
citizenship, not gender. I was trying to avoid the government
being involved in my child's gender reassignment, so we
considered many ways to approach the problem. The State has a
protocol for the change of name and sex on a current driver's
license An endocrinologist has to declare on a Department of
Motor Vehicle form that the person is living full time as a
female and intends to have sex reassignment surgery. I had been
told that such medical information is confidential, but any alias
will show up on a computer search. It doesn't take a rocket
scientist to figure out that if a person has changed from Joe
to
Jane, that individual is probably a transsexual. I could just
see
Big Brother with a drawer labeled "Confidential Name Changes
(Transsexuals)."
We had several options. One was buying a fake birth certificate.
Another was to find an old typewriter with the same print as
the
original birth certificate and change the information. We tried
to generate a computer certificate similar to the current
government issue. None of these ideas worked, but Danielle found
a solution that did work. One day she sat down with my magnifying
glasses, and with a pencil put the two extra letters after her
male name to feminize it. She wrote "Fe" in front of
"Male,"
darkened the letters slightly to match, and we had just committed
a felony. Some would not agree with our methods, but the birth
certificate now showed the truth. We just did not have all the
information when she was born.
On the way to Department of Motor Vehicles, she said, "I
feel
like "Thelma & Louise."
I told her, "Don't make a big deal about the birth certificate.
Flash one of your wonderful smiles."
She had no problem. They glanced at the date of birth and
did not
keep a copy. They have no proof showing that she altered the
birth certificate, and she has her license showing she is a
female, with the name she wants.
When she applied for an Arizona drivers license, they required
a Social Security number as identification, but we had not changed
the Social Security card. We could have done that quite easily
with available forms, but again, we wanted to avoid notifying
the
government.
Danielle showed her card to the clerk who asked, "Is
this an
alternative spelling of your name?"
She answered, "Yes," and left it at that.
On another occasion, she had to show her Social Security card
for
employment in a fast food restaurant. I told her, "Don't
make a
big deal of it. Just show it like there is nothing special."
When Danielle got home, I asked, "So, how did you do
with your
Social Security card?"
"They didn't even speak English," she said.
People from other countries do not always know which names
are
traditionally female or male names, so they didn't recognize
any
problem.
ON BEING NORMAL
Normal is a word that I try not to use anymore. Danielle met
a
boy who was attending Narcotics Anonymous for his drug habit.
She attended one meeting with him to see what it was all about,
and
on the way home, he tried to play on her emotions.
"You have a normal life. You have no idea how hard it
is to quit
drugs."
He didn't get any sympathy from her, as she answered, "I
didn't
do anything stupid like start drugs in the first place."
And so this boy joined the others that she met along the way
that
she did not need to know any better.
Although I knew how hard her life was, she just looked like
any
other teenager. I considered that a real accomplishment.
Normal is just a setting on the washing machine.
FAMILY MEALS
Danielle was on the phone defending our non-traditional meals.
I
heard her explain to a friend, "MY mother is busy working,
and we
come and go at different times. We just ate what and when we
want
and share with each other if we are both home and hungry at the
same time."
When the children were young and money was scarce, we ate
a lot
of tortillas and beans together. As we became more affluent we
had more choices, but I had learned that what and when the
children wanted to eat did not always fit my schedule or idea
of
a meal. They did not like casseroles, so when I Made one, I had
to eat it for days. Hot-dogs or bologna sandwiches every other
day didn't do it for me. Sometimes when we were all home at the
same time we had a sitdown meal of spaghetti or tacos, foods
that
we all liked. Danielle had gone through her vegetarian phase,
and
her "I'm too fat" phase, and on the whole ate better
than I did
since I was on the road for many meals.
When Danielle hung up after talking to her friend, I remarked,
"Your friend didn't sound convinced."
Danielle said, "His mom fixes the meal, and the family
all sits
down together every night. But he is gay and hasn't told his
parents because he knows that they wouldn't understand."
So much for the closeness and quality time of family meals.
MIND'S EYE
A few months into the transition, a close friend was visiting when
Danielle came exuberantly through the living room in her girlish teenage
manner.
After she was gone, I asked my friend, "Isn't she just the cutest thing?"
His answer echoed in my ears for days. "In my mind's eye," he said, "I
still see the boy I used to know."
Again and again that phrase went through my head. I had retrained my
mind's eye so that now I only saw the girl, but I understood his reaction.
In the beginning, even though my real eye could see the girl, my old brain
would spit out male pronouns. After that experience, I could better
understand why some parents have trouble allowing their children to grow up
and change. In their mind they still have the image of a beloved toddler, an
innocent seven or eight year-old, or a rebellious teenager. It takes some
time for the mind's eye to replace the youthful image with a new picture of
the adult. This may explain why a husband does not notice a new hairstyle,
or why the family doesn't notice grandma's wrinkles. It is even more
difficult to replace the old image with one of the opposite gender.
Since I saw Danielle every day, my mind's eye had been retrained until I
no longer saw the little boy, but only a lovable teenage girl. It was more
difficult for Danielle's relatives to retrain their minds when they saw her
infrequently or only in pictures. Even though our eyes had seen the same
person, my friend still saw the boy that used to be, whereas I just saw a
jubilant daughter.
My friend saw the boy that used
to be,
I just saw a jubilant daughter.
CROSSES
We all have our secrets
and crosses to bear. Some we can see
and some we will never know have
been there.
My special daughter was once a son.
You would not know it if you met her.
How many have we met not knowing?
Please don't judge her
by how things are supposed to be
because they are not.
Appreciate the beauty and the irony.
She will not harm you or change you
except to soften your prejudices.
It's hard to imagine how it feels inside,
but everyone has some burden
and the need to be who they are.
Counselor Hunter referred Danielle to an endocrinologist within
a
few weeks even though the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care
recommend three months of counseling before hormones are started.
Danielle was well into puberty and time was of the essence. The
first endocrinologist did a complete physical and lots of
laboratory tests and prescribed the estrogen, Premarin. His
charge was $360.00. The doctor owned the lab, and this made me
wonder a about conflict of interest. Danielle was thrilled and
anxious to get the prescription filled so she could start the
estrogen.
It did not work any magic, but she began to have some breast
tenderness, and the growth of her facial hair seemed to slow
down
a little. Her voice had only begun to change, and we hoped the
hormones would keep it from getting lower. But there was also
a
downside to taking hormones. She experienced fatigue, nausea,
and
emotional ups and downs as she started down the long and rocky
road of side effects from hormone therapy. She became
hypersensitive to people looking at her, not paranoid, but just
very aware that people seemed to notice her. She became anxious
even around people who were loving and accepting of her and
needed to get away to rest after several hours with them.
During her first check-up, I questioned the endocrinologist
about
the fatigue, but he didn't think the Premarin had anything to
with it. Her testosterone was still not down to an acceptable
level, so he prescribed even more Premarin. On the lower dose
she
was already missing days of school because she was tired and
didn't feel good.
After networking with other transgendered persons, I learned
that
fatigue is a very common side effect as is clearly reported on
the information sheet that comes with the Premarin. They also
told me there was another endocrinologist whose prices were
better, and he prescribed an androgen blocker, spironolactone,
in
addition to Premarin.
During her first visit with the new endocrinologist, the doctor
asked Danielle why she had come to him, and was very surprised
to
learn that she was a transsexual. He lowered the dose of estrogen
and added spironolactone. He also said he did not think that
fatigue was connected to the hormones. His charge for the
complete physical and the necessary laboratory tests was $160.
After reading all the books I could find about hormones written
by experts, and talking to several others, I came to the
conclusion that there are several choices in the treatment of
transsexuals, and each has its advantages and disadvantages.
It
seems that every doctor has his favorite type and amount of
estrogen that he prescribes. I was really amazed that the
endocrinologists were not aware of the emotional toll that their
patients were experiencing because of the estrogen therapy. They
do tests for liver damage and heart problems, but they have no
way to measure fatigue, depression, and distraction. Our
transgendered friends had found what worked for them including
hormone injections or additional non-prescription hormones from
Mexico. Everybody experiences a different degree of benefits
and
side effects from hormone therapy, and some feel neither fatigue
nor depression.
Danielle did her own research and reduced her dose until she
could handle the fatigue and emotions, but it was not enough
to
give her breasts. She finally decided that she would rather buy
her breasts from a plastic surgeon and stay on a hormone dose
that allowed her to function.
The first therapist (the hippie) we saw about the gender
dysphoria made a good impression on me, but Danielle was not yet
ready to see a counselor. She felt she had no emotional problems,
she just wanted to be a girl. However, we found we had no choice
in the matter because we needed a counselor's referral for
hormones and later for a recommendation for surgery. Although
I
would have trusted the first counselor to work with Danielle,
we
could not waste our time on a therapist who could not refer us
to
surgery, no matter how nice he was.
After waiting three months with no word from Counselor Hunter,
I
called to ask him if there was anything else we should be doing.
He set up another appointment at which time Danielle reported
that she was having unusual fatigue, and cried easily since being
on the hormone therapy. He thought she needed Prozac for her
depression; he too said hormones would not cause fatigue. I
rejected the suggestion of Prozac because of its reputation for
treating mental dysfunction, and I was reluctant to add more
drugs to her young body. From the questions he asked, it was
apparent he had not looked at the information questionnaire we
had returned to him (with $150) three months earlier. I couldn't
see that we were getting anything that could be called
"counseling." We left without any return appointment
or any
mention of seeing him again.
Danielle wanted surgery, but I needed to know the costs involved,
and whether anyone would do Sex Reassignment Surgery on a young
transsexual. I wanted a realistic time frame before raising
Danielle's hopes.
We found there were only four or five Sex Reassignment surgeons
in the U.S. and Canada who were well known. One surgeon would
not
treat anyone under age 21. Another was not well known in our
area
so there was little information. The surgery cost less in Canada,
but we heard rumors of postop complications. This was no time
to
scrimp because I wanted the best for my daughter. When I talked
to post-op transsexuals, Dr. Schrang in Wisconsin was given rave
reviews by all his patients, and I learned that he had treated
younger patients. We felt it was important to have the operation
soon to give Danielle the best chance for adjusting to young
adulthood. When we contacted Dr. Schrang and he learned of the
circumstances, he said he would be glad to work with Danielle.
He
named one price that would cover his fee, the hospital stay and
all expenses involved with the actual surgery.
I had been without health insurance for years, betting that
my
children and I would avoid any catastrophic injury or illness.
When I learned of the expected expenses of Danielle's hormone
therapy and surgery, I inquired about insurance coverage for
her
needs, even though I knew we'd probably have to wait a year to
satisfy a waiting period for pre-existing conditions. Several
companies never returned my call. The representative for one
company said the expense for hormones could probably be taken
care of if the doctor cooperated, but there was no way surgery
could be covered.
I applied for Crippled Children Funds through the State of
California, and learned that non-necessary medical expenses could
not be covered. I talked to the Shriners and several other groups
who help with special medical needs for children. They were very
polite to me on the phone, but their organizations did not cover
this situation. I talked to one group who would only fund medical
expenses for children who had a terminal illness. There are man
"feel good" programs available for teens in an effort
to prevent
suicide, alcohol and drug abuse, but there were no funds
available for my child. Finally, I figured my financial resources
would cover the cost of the surgery in the next year or two if
I
used credit cards for some of the cost.
Now that we knew that surgery was possible, we needed to
seriously pursue counseling in order to get our two surgical
referral letters.
Since I hadn't heard from Counselor Hunter in six months,
I
called to set up a third appointment. At that time we discussed
the psychological testing that he had previously mentioned at
a
cost of $700. The tests included:
MCMI-III (Million Clinical Multiaxial Inventory)
Bendar Gestalt
The Draw A Person/Family
Wechler (IQ)
TAT (Thematic Apperceptual Test)
Rorschach
MMPI (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory)
I questioned the need for testing since he had written me
a note
stating that "Danielle seems relatively stabilized all things
considered." He said, "There is no pass or fail to
the testing. I
just have to do it to protect myself against law suits. I don't
have to defend myself. All my previous associates have gone out
of business due to lawsuits. My wife does the testing and it
is a
real bargain at the $700 price that I am giving you. It would
cost twice as much at the University."
Somehow I kept feeling like a victim. He was taking my money
and
doing no counseling. I appreciated that he did not make us wait
for three months of counseling before sending us to an
endocrinologist, and he was not wasting our time with many
appointments. But we were getting no help from him and he seemed
to only want money.
As we learned more about the situation, we learned that we
had
few choices. If we went to another counselor, the six months
of
counseling required (at $100 an hour) before surgery would have
to begin again. To save time, we might as well pay the $700.00
to
Counselor Hunter and get on with it. I called the counselor and
undiplomatically told him. "OK. I'm ready to be screwed."
He called back to say, "I really do not want you as a
client, but
I will send your records to Counselor Bell."
I had previously met Counselor Bell when I attended a transsexual
support meeting which he was conducting with an associate,
Counselor Jenny. At that time I had the opportunity to ask if
there was anything more that I could be doing for Danielle. They
said I was doing very well with Danielle, and had no further
advice to give me. When I told them that I felt Counselor Hunter
was not doing any counseling, Counselor Bell told me he could
not
see us unless Mr. Hunter referred Danielle to him because of
professional courtesy.
I continued to attend their support
meetings and became part of the support system. Counselor Bell
suggested that Danielle attend the support meetings in order
to
meet others like herself. Danielle went only once. She had
already met several transsexuals whom I had invited to our home
to chat, and she and Laura were fast friends by then.
The counselors discontinued their meetings at the end of the
summer, but Danielle continued to see Counselor Bell privately.
He was a very quiet, soft spoken man, and I was well enough
acquainted with him to feel comfortable having Danielle see him
alone. Danielle told me she had to save up things to talk about
during the sessions since the counselor didn't say very much.
Danielle always referred to being transsexual as her "situation";
she never called it a problem. After her first session, the
counselor told me that Danielle seemed to be doing fine, and
he
could see no problem with referring her for surgery when the
time
came. He would also arrange for the second opinion by another
associate in his office. Counselor Bell believed the
psychological testing was unnecessary.
The date for surgery was finally set, and we had the first
surgery referral letter in the bag. Dr. Bell referred us to
Counselor Wolf for another letter, but that was not as simple
as
it sounded. Our encounter with Dr. Wolf is well documented in
the
two letters that follow:
7-23-96
Tim Wolf, Ph.D.
Individual, Child, Adolescent & relationship Psychotherapy
25 Park Boulevard,
Suite 207
San Diego, Ca 92116
I need to address several issues with you about teenage Gender
Dysphoria, and my teenager in particular. These are the facts
as
Danielle and I perceived them about our encounters March 15 and
March 29.
We were referred to you by Dr. Chris Beletsis for a 2nd opinion
letter for SRS surgery. You quoted a 2 hr minimum at $90.00 an
hour and $25.00 for a letter. We filled out the standard consent
forms, you said you would be doing some testing with Danielle,
and you said you would contact us to set up the 2nd appointment.
After the first hour, she said she had talked to you for a
few
minutes and then had done some kind-of dumb tests where you asked
her questions about hypothetical situations and also had her
put
pictures in order, which she felt could have been correctly
placed in several orders with an explanation.
Since you did not seem to need my input at the first appointment,
she felt she could go by herself to the 2nd appointment and I
would not loose the time from work.
She called me about 4:30 the afternoon after her 2nd appointment,
which did not last even 1/2 an hour, to tell me of her 2nd
experience with you. She wisely waited until my work day was
almost over because she knew I would be upset. She said that
you
told her that you did not believe that anyone under 21 should
have SRS surgery, but if they tested above average you might
consider it. You then told her that her scores showed that she
was below average intelligence.
I called and asked you for a written summary of your evaluation
of Danielle, which you sent. In the letter you said "Danielle
appears to be experiencing alterations of mood, impulsivity of
behavior, social oppositionalism and peer adjustments." And
you recommended that she wait 2 years before making a decision on SRS
surgery.
Danielle has had a learning disability that we have been dealing
with for many years. I have worked very hard to maintain a
positive self-esteem about her intelligence. Her two older
brothers have always done really well academically and she felt
bad because she could not keep up with them. I always emphasized
other talents that she has. Since her transition, she has
progressed amazingly in her academic abilities and had been
feeling really good about herself. She was crushed by you telling
her that she was below average intelligence. She was very
discouraged at the thought of facing another 2-4 years of having
to tuck her penis, of having to take the megadoses of hormones,
that she herself knows alter her moods and makes her physically
nauseated. The thought of not being able to date as her peers
are
doing. The fear of being discovered. A teenager with any less
maturity might have thought of ending her life.
1. You knew she was 17 when we came to you. You should have
been
honest with us about your apparent preconceived belief that
anyone under should not have surgery
2. I thought you were going to base your decision on an interview
with her, not on standardized testing. I did not know there was
a
pass/fail situation with standardized testing.
3. I thought you understood that people on mega hormones,
are
emotional and impulsive. It is the equivalent to PMS or worse.
4. If you had talked with me at all, you would have understood
that she gets her social oppositionalism from me. Which is one
of
the reasons that she is doing so well in the situation that she
is in. I have always promoted being an individual, questioning
authority, not paying any attention to what others might think.
5. You should never have told a teenager who is struggling
with
so many other issues that she is below average intelligence.
That
to me is unforgivable. Especially when you are supposedly an
expert on adolescent & relationship psychotherapy. I am sorry
that I exposed my teenager to you. You did more harm than good.
Several times since she met with you she has asked me for reassurance that
she really is intelligent. Shame on you.
6. if you had taken the time to know her at all personally,
instead of basing your opinion on testing, you would have
understood that she is doing really well under the circumstances.
She attends a regular high-school full time with a B average.
She
is not on drugs, does not smoke, or drink. She has a job doing
peer counseling through "Planned Parenthood". I often
have to be
out of town overnight and she is responsible enough to be left
alone without getting into trouble. I feel she is wise beyond
her
years in the insights she expresses in dealing with her situation
and the real world around her. (Not hypothetical situations.)
7. My daughter and I are well known and respected in the gender
community and our opinions matter. A copy of this letter will
be
widely distributed. Your name will go on the list of those that
take advantage of our community and are enriching themselves
at
our expense.
* .* .* .* .*
He never responded to my letter.
When I complained to the State Medical Board aout Dr. Wolf,
I
learned that he had completed the education for his Ph.D., but
was not licensed to practice psychology with that degree.
The Harry Benjamin Standard of Care Guidelines say that a
therapist familiar with the program and the transsexual will
be
able to help during the process. In Danielle's case, we found
that most of the therapists seemed to be there to impede progress
rather than to assist. The counselors, who admitted they had
very
little experience with teen transsexuals, were still willing
to
charge like experts. None of the counselors seemed to care what
I
thought and tried to ignore me, maybe hoping I would go away.
The date for surgery was quickly approaching, and the situation
was getting desperate. We still did not have a second referral letter, and I
never, ever wanted to see another counselor, but we had no choice.
In tears, I shared Dr. Wolf's letter with
Counselor Jenny. She and I had been speakers at the educational
outreach speakers' bureau on several occasions, and we once
investigated an alternative school for Danielle in another city
together, so she knew both Danielle and me. She carefully
considered the matter, and decided that she could probably write
a letter for surgery although she had never written one before.
We were relieved when she wrote the second opinion letter for
us
after only one session with Danielle.
There were other counselors in our community. One believed
in the
Nurture theory - absent father, domineering mother, or a mother
who really wanted a girl - with which I disagreed. She believed
that transsexuals are all homosexuals who can not deal with being
gay. This is an outdated theory for it is now understood that
sexual orientation and gender identity are two entirely different
issues. Some transsexuals look for a partner of the same sex
as
they are after surgery. Some counselors believe that Gender
Dysphoria is usually just a phase when it occurs in younger
children. I wonder if it is just a phase or do children learn
very quickly to hide feelings that others disapprove of.
In this world, there must be some good counselors who really
care
and help the transsexual community deal with their issues.
Because the HBIGDA Standards of Care require counseling in
preparation for surgery, the transsexuals become pawns in the
conflict of interest game. The Standards are maintained and
continue to be revised by professionals who are qualified to
do
the counseling and who stand to gain financially. Although
counseling before an important decision such as Sex Reassignment
surgery could be beneficial, it would also be beneficial before
marriage and having children. The benefits of counseling is
questionable because transsexuals soon learn to give answers
that
the counselor wants to hear.
Harry Benjamin Standards of Care
I hope to see the HBIGDA Standards changed in the future to
take
into account that some transsexuals (and perhaps most) are not
psychologically unbalanced. If transsexuals are psychologically
handicapped they probably would not be able to get enough money together for surgery. There is no proof that a transsexual
with
perceived psychological problems would be worse off for having
surgery.
Recently I have had some correspondence with therapist Jude
Patton who said, "I am not at all like the other therapists
you
encountered, nor are many other experienced therapists who deal
with gender issues. I may have an advantage in empathy, because
I
am both a professional AND a peer. (I am female to male, post-op
transsexual for over 25 years.) My own care givers certainly
'bent the rules' to get me the care I needed at the time, and
I've never forgotten it."
He explained, "Each client should be the 'Captain of
their own
ship' with the therapist acting as a 'Navigator.' Not a
gatekeeper, but a guide, educator, support system and advocate.
The treatment goals should be a joint effort of client and
therapist with the client a full partner in the planning of the
treatment."
I fully concur with that philosophy, and I believe that there
are
some who do not need emotional therapy during the gender
transition process especially if they have supportive family
and
friends.
A friend loaned me a video tape showing the sex reassignment
procedure planned by Dr. Schrang. I told Danielle that it was
available, but doubted she would want to see it, but I was wrong
- she was very much interested. It was I who was not anxious
to
know the details of the surgery, but I felt that I should watch
with her in case she had any questions. When we played the video,
she became totally engrossed, and even rewound the film to watch
several segments a second time to be sure she understood
everything. I was not impressed by the after pictures that showed
the final results, but Danielle commented, "Everything was
so
neat and tidy afterwards. All the stuff is gone."
Then Dr. Schrang presented another obstacle. He would not
operate
on Danielle without the signed consent of both parents, or from
a
parent who had sole custody. My marriage and divorce had both
taken place in Mexico where the subject of custody was never
addressed. Danielle had lived with me since she was two years
old
and I had paid the bills, so I figured she was mine. "Possession
is nine-tenths of the law." I sought the advice of a lawyer
friend concerning the cost and ramifications of getting a legal
custody order. With such an order, perhaps I could collect child
support for all the past years although realistically there was
little hope of getting financial assistance from her father now
any more than it was in the past. I learned that the sole custody
order, even if not protested would probably cost $400 or more.
Having her father sign the permission for surgery would be
the
best way, but not necessarily the easiest since he was still upset
because his son was living as a girl. Without much hope, I called
him to give it a try When he refused to sign, I begged,
threatened, and tried every angle
"I will go to court and get sole custody," I said,
"But it will
cost me some money."
He said, "I will contest the court order."
"That will be fine with me, because then the judge will
make you pay child support for all the past years when you have paid
nothing."
If he thought he deserved to have a vote about Danielle's
future,
he would have to pay for the privilege. The next day he called
to
say that he was ready to sign the papers, and I arranged to meet
him right away at a Notary Public's office before he changed
his
mind. With her father's signature in hand, Danielle and I had
passed a huge milestone.
We scheduled the surgery for early summer 1996 between her
Junior
and Senior years in high school when she would be 17 1/2 years
old. Two years would have passed between the time that I found
out she was transsexual and the time of surgery, and I presumed
we would have finished the required counseling.
Danielle had a steady boyfriend at the end of her second year
of
high school as we prepared for surgery. He often spent time at
our house because life with his own family was apparently
difficult. It was all right with me because I liked the young
man. He took her to the prom, and even spent the night several
times at our home. As we made arrangements to go to Wisconsin
for
surgery, she finally told him about herself. She could not lie
to him about why she was going to be gone for two weeks and then
recuperating for several more. He was quiet and withdrawn for
a
long time, and then commented that it only made her more
interesting to him.
When she told another boy she had dated, he quit dating her
in a
romantic sense but continued being her pal and friend. Some boys
lost interest in her because she was prudish and did not allow
much touching. She never encountered violence because she was
transsexual, although she had to run away from a situation in
Mexico because a guy thought he could have his way with this
young girl.
I had to work extra-long hours before we went to Wisconsin
in
order to be away for the two weeks required for surgery. I could
feel the stress taking its toll as we made our last preparations.
Danielle was getting excited as the time drew near, but seemed
quite calm. However, during the last two weeks before leaving,
she had several anxiety attacks. I kept searching my soul,
wondering if this surgery was the right thing to do.
During our flight to Wisconsin, I thought of the serious
consequences of our trip. The others on the plane had no idea
that this beautiful teen girl was on her way to a hospital for
very complicated surgery in order to gain inner peace. I wondered
what other parents would think of me for facilitating the sex
reassignment surgery. There could be complications, and I worried
about that, too. I was on the verge of tears the whole way, but
did not want Danielle to know that I was stressed out. It would
be wrong for me to add to any anxiety that she might have
already. Danielle appeared to be calm, but I learned later that
she had tried to keep me from knowing of her anxiety.
We landed in the huge airport at Minneapolis/St. Paul with
only a
few minutes to make connections for our flight to Appleton. As
we
left the plane, the stewardess directed us to our departure gate
at the other end of the airport. Danielle went ahead to get us
checked in because she could get there faster than I. When I
caught up with her she had bad news - the gate we wanted was
actually back where we had come from, close to our arrival gate.
I knew it was too late to get there, but Danielle went ahead again to make the arrangements in case the plane was late. The
thoughts that went through my mind are not fit print. Why does
it
have to be so difficult to change planes? I condemned the
airlines and lots of other people and things as I went cussing
and crying the long way back to where we started.
As I had feared, when we arrived at the proper gate we had
missed
the plane. I lay down on a bench and fell apart. I told Danielle
that I just couldn't do it - I was going home. She chased off
the
solicitous airport personnel, calmed me down, went to get tickets
for a later flight and then to eat and look at the airport gift
shops.
My family and many of my acquaintances had admired me for
maintaining a calm and reasonable attitude through this whole
gender change situation. I was glad that they couldn't see me
in
a puddle of tears in the airport. Although I knew I had been
under stress, I had not realized the extent of it. One of my
mottoes is "Lie down and cry awhile, then pick up the pieces
and
go on." This stress management system had worked before
and it
did this time too. After a good cry, I pulled myself together
and
we went on to Appleton.
Once in our rental car, it was not difficult to locate the
doctor's office, hospital, shopping center, and motel in the
small city. After we were settled, we went to a local restaurant
for Danielle's last meal before surgery.
When we met Dr. Schrang in his office the next morning, he
was
very pleasant. He appropriately addressed Danielle as she was
the
patient, almost ignoring me. He emphasized that the proposed
operation would not change the way the world would treat her,
nor
magically change her life, nor solve all her problems. Danielle
must carefully follow all the post-op instructions, and take
responsibility for her "aftercare". He could do the
surgery, but
it was up to her to make the outcome successful.
After checking into the hospital, we toured the floor where
the
sex reassignment patients were housed. At one end of the hall
was
a sitting room overlooking the Fox River - a peaceful area that
became my favorite spot. We met Danielle's roommate, Gloria who
had just returned from surgery, and her very attentive wife. They
were impressed with Danielle's youth and beauty. During the next
ten days we became quite close to them as they encouraged and
helped us. We discovered that most of the transsexuals on the
surgical ward were alone with no one to support them during the
ordeal.
Danielle appeared to be calm and unafraid throughout the
necessary preparations that evening and the next morning, and
she
went off to surgery having never expressed fear, but only looking
forward to the future.
* .* .* .* .*
(I had planned to give this poem/prayer to the surgeon but
lost
my courage.)
BLESS YOU
May you be blessed as you correct the errant ways of Mother
Nature.
May your hands be steady as you do your artwork that may be
seen
by few.
May your eyes be clear as you put finishing touches on our
dear
one's life.
May your mind be sharp as you make your masterpiece decisions.
Bless you as you care for those misunderstood by many and
loved
by few.
* .* .* .* .*
Accounts of the step-by-step process of the actual surgery
are
available from other sources, so I will not include that
technical information here.
My Mom arrived while Danielle was still in surgery, and we
talked
and put together a jigsaw puzzle in the waiting room to pass
the
time. I had brought the jigsaw puzzle with me because I knew
I
would not be able to concentrate on reading, and making puzzles
has always been a very calming and restful pastime for me. My
mind was with Danielle and what they were doing to her, but the
die was cast, and now we just had to deal with the results of
our
decisions.
She was returned to her room, and as she came out of the fog
of
general anesthesia, she asked me, "Is it all over?"
When I said, "Yes," she smiled from ear to ear.
She looked very
pale, and the sight of so many attached tubes and wires was
distressing to me, and I started crying, for a mother suffers
too
when her child is in pain. Still I knew that this pain was
temporary and far better than the mental anguish and misery of
soul that she had suffered during the years she was locked inside
the wrong body. Gloria's wife and others thought I was crying
at
the finality of no longer having my son. They reassured me that
my son was not gone, but was still there as a new and happier
person, but I had already accepted this new person, and had
almost forgotten that she was ever anything but a wonderful
daughter.
She grinned from ear to ear
The next few days were pretty rough for both of us. I thought
that I could sit and write a lot of this book while she slept,
but there was not much time for rest because she needed help
with
so many little things. There were many phone calls from
well-wishers, and flowers from our friends in California and
elsewhere. We even received a call from a young transsexual in
Australia whom we had met on the Internet, and who would soon
be
having surgery. Danielle did not seem to comprehend the
tremendous outpour of love and hope for her. I felt as if she
was
the poster child of the transsexual community. Danielle had an
opportunity that many could only dream about - the support of
her
family, and surgery when she was young. All those advantages were not lost on Danielle, for she repeatedly expressed
her gratitude to me, and her thankfulness that she had been able
to go through the surgery.
Her grandmother stayed two days after the surgery and gave
Danielle a cuddly Teddy bear which seemed to give her some
comfort.
* .* .* .* .*
Danielle's roommate Gloria wrote a poem for her:
TODAY WE ARE BUTTERFLIES
We have traveled our respective roads as caterpillars, we
consumed I of the information we could about our confused lives
and we learned and we grew.
Finally our roads that we have traveled have joined for our
final journey. We've spun our cocoons and with much nurturing
and
love we entered the pupa stage. And through the hands of a
skilled Doctor we were able to break out of our pupal bonds and
at last we were born to live the lives we were meant to live.
As we dry our wings and prepare to go forth in our new lives
as beautiful butterflies we pause to give thanks.
* .* .* .* .*
Danielle suffered from post-op vomiting which was not serious,
but she lost enough blood over the next few days that she had
to
be given three units by transfusion. Although many people offered
to donate blood, the facility did not participate in a donor
program; however the cost of the transfusion was small. Dr.
Schrang did things very quickly without explaining them to
Danielle beforehand. He didn't say more than two words to me
the
whole nine days we were there. I had the feeling that we were
nameless, faceless bodies to him. He came and went so quickly,
we
joked that the only reason we knew he had been there was the
lingering sent of his cologne. The nurses Were very attentive
and
we appreciated their help.
When we returned to the motel, one of only two in town, Danielle
started the process of the frequent dilating of the new vagina
following the doctor's instruction meticulously. It would have
been almost impossible for Danielle to have managed alone. Going
out to get supplies and finding food that Danielle felt like
eating kept me busy. Since Danielle had had to stay flat in bed
for seven days in the hospital, it took several days to get the
tangles out of her hair. After a while, I began to suffer from
cabin fever. Following our return visit to the doctor, we were
both glad to be heading for home.
The trip home was long and exhausting. Danielle's boyfriend
met
us at the airport to help get her home and situated. Danielle
was too tired to do the dilating that night and wanted to give up
completely, but after a good night's rest she was ready to go
on
with the demanding schedule. During the next few weeks her time
was spent taking care of herself according to the instructions
she was given. She could only leave the house for an hour or
so
between treatments, and when her boyfriend and others came to
visit she had little time to spend with them because she had
to
be back in her room dilating. There was an infection at the site
where a tight wire suture had been, and she still has a scar
in
that area, which is now pretty well covered by pubic hair. Scars
on the skin donor sites on the hips on both sides were much
bigger than I had expected, but she didn't seem to mind. I was
pleased by the visual results of the vaginal surgery at least
from a casual glance. Danielle frequently paraded around the
house in the buff or close to it in order to enjoy the way she
felt without all the "stuff" down there. Another surgery
(labiaplasty) would be necessary at some future date to give
the
finishing cosmetic touches to the genital area.
After a month of dilating, Danielle was supposed to graduate
to a
larger circumference dilator. The surgeon had given us a brochure
that offered five dilators in graduating dimensions for $90.00.
These dilators were solid and did not vibrate, and two of them
were smaller needed. Since I knew that I could buy many types
and
shapes of dilators at the adult book store in our area, we did
not buy the expensive set. After buying two different vibrators
that did not meet Danielle's desires in shape or color or size
or
something, I gave up in frustration and told her I just didn't
understand what she wanted. She said she would go buy what she
had in mind. She was only I7 and not allowed in such stores,
but
she set off anyway with the admonition from me not to give my
name if she got caught. She dressed in her best looking "mature"
outfit and went on her mission. At the store she found what she
wanted and asked the cashier if he knew the circumference of
the
dilator that she had chosen to make sure that it bigger than
what
she already had at home. He went to check the catalogue and came
back to announce in a loud voice across the store, "It's
one size
fits all." She paid for her purchase and no one asked her
age or
for her ID. I was 40 before I was brave enough to go into an
adult store.
* .* .* .* .*
In Canada both surgeries are done during one procedure and
they
do not need to use donor skin. Laura later had her surgery there
with a quicker recovery, a less vigorous dilating schedule, and
great results. Some of our community have gone to Oregon recently
with good results. Dr. Schrang required the longest time in bed,
and the most rigorous dilating schedule, but the results from
other surgeons seem be just as satisfactory. Both Canada and
Oregon have residential facilities for post-surgery care which
is
an important consideration for someone going alone.
All the transsexuals that I have met are so thankful for the
surgery that they rave about the wonderful experience and are
happy with the results. They quickly forget about any
complications or unpleasantness accompanying the experience.
I
call it the "Savior Syndrome." They put the surgeon
on a pedestal
and are not always objective when asked about their surgery
experience.
I made the best choice I could with the information I had
at the
time, but if I had it to do over again, I might come up with
different results. Surgeons are always trying to improve their
performance based on more advanced knowledge, and by
experimenting with different techniques.
Danielle's hormone therapy continued to cause her mental and emotional ups and downs that were very distressing. We did
everything we could to try to stabilize her emotions including
a
good diet, lots of rest, a positive attitude and natural
remedies. Finally, after nothing else seemed to help and after
much research I encouraged her to try Prozac even though we had
not wanted to use it before believing the myth that people who
take prozac are crazy. It has helped her by taking the edge off
her anxiety and her feelings of being overwhelmed.
At Christmas, Danielle and I went to visit Ben. He was now
a
sophomore at a Flagstaff college and was sharing a three bedroom
condo with another young man. Danielle and Ben enjoyed being
together while skiing, shopping, and watching movies during the
short vacation. Her big brother was gallant, protective, and
proud of his sister. They conspired together and came up with
a
plan. Danielle should move to Flagstaff to get a new start where
no one knew her, and Ben thought it would be nice to have her
as
his third roommate. He didn't admit it, but he was probably a
little lonely for some of his family.
Although I looked forward to the time when the children would all be grown so I could regain some freedom and privacy in my
life, I
was not ready for it right NOW. But I could see the excitement
and adventure in their eyes, and after much discussion, I decided
I must not let my feelings slow my children's quest for happiness
and a future. It was heart-warming for me to see a new bond
developing between them.
I knew in my heart that this would be a positive move for
Danielle as she had just turned 18 and was exhibiting many
nesting instincts.
If she could cook and clean for these boys, it might postpone
the
time when she would fall into housekeeping with a boyfriend.
She
and her previous boyfriend had parted ways when she became busy
with high school and he had gone on to college. There was another
compelling reason for her move. My frequent activist efforts
in
the transgender community gave her little chance to forget the
ordeal that she had been through as she settled into her new
life
as a girl. I had seen other transgendered females leave the
community after surgery to blend into society and get on with
their lives as women. After all, being able to live as a teenage
girl was the purpose for Danielle's surgery.
Soon after we returned home from Christmas vacation, Danielle
packed all her belongings into her pickup truck - a television,
her bicycle, her feminine bed, many of our kitchen supplies,
a
large garbage bag full of shoes (a true female) and more stuff
than she could possibly need.
"You can come home anytime you want," I told her,
"but you can
only bring one suitcase."
Danielle disappeared like a nomad into the desert with her
truck
full of everything she owned. She called me several times along
the road but forgot to call when she arrived safely. That was
a
very long day for me and my seldom-used apron strings. At first
I
called every day, but was gradually weaned as it became harder
and harder to catch her at home between high school and social
activities. Danielle was gone for now, and I moved into a small
studio apartment.
You can only bring home one suitcase.
Since she had to take such low doses of hormones due to the
emotions, she did not develop much breast growth. At 18 she still
was not endowed enough to notice. Some think breasts will come
if
you wait long enough. Some are sure there is some magic
combination of hormones that produce breasts. There are those
who
think flat is OK, but Danielle really wanted breasts. I remember
how much I had wanted breasts as a teenager, but I did not get
them until I started having children. Since that was not an
option for Danielle, we decided to go ahead with breast implants
during the next summer. She made all the arrangements for surgery
after consulting with several plastic surgeons in Phoenix. One
surgeon required a current psychological evaluation. I thought
that was unfair since anybody else can have breast enlargement
surgery on demand. Some women probably need counseling to
discover why huge breasts are important to them. Why should
transsexuals be presumed to be unbalanced just because they want
breasts?
I went to Phoenix to be with her before and after surgery.
Again
she was very brave - she never complained. As she was coming
out
of the anesthetic, she said amusing things. "Be quiet. You
are
talking too loud. Don't touch me. I don't want my breasts anymore
because they hurt." Then she apologized for being rude.
I didn't
know why she thought she was being rude, but later she said she
was sorry that she told us to be quiet and leave her alone.
The surgery was done on an outpatient basis, so we returned
to
our motel in Phoenix a few hours after it was completed. Those
two days in the motel were very long and uncomfortable for her
because she had trouble keeping food and liquids down, yet she
needed to eat something when she took the pills to relieve the
severe pain. Every time she wanted to move, I had to help her
change position, and rearrange the ice pack on her new breasts
to
keep the swelling down. I only slept for an hour or so at a time.
Her brother had volunteered to take care of her after surgery,
but I was glad that I was there even though she needed more
attention than I had anticipated. But we did it.
Now she is happy with her body that matches her mind, and
I am
happy that we were able to do all the things to make her whole.
Danielle continued to live in Flagstaff with Ben and started
her
Senior year there. One day my pager showed an Arizona area code
but I did not recognize the number. Police, hospital, accident,
flashed through my mind as I dialed the number. It was Danielle's
high school, and the vice-principal wanted to talk with me.
"Is this Danielle's mother?" he asked.
"Yes."
"I just want to confirm something that Danielle said
in class
today."
"Yes." I waited expectantly.
"Today she told her class that she has had sex reassignment
surgery."
"Ohhhh shit!!
"Well," he said with a chuckle. "I guess that
confirms it."
"Do you know how this came about?"
He said, "There have been rumors and Danielle evidently
felt the
time was right to let people know about her past so they could
get over it and quit whispering."
"I wish she hadn't told everyone," I said.
"She has a right to tell. She has a right to be safe
at this
school and finish her high school here. We like her very much,
and are going to help her in any way we can. We will guard her
confidentiality if any press or other parents inquire about her.
We are going to make sure she is not made fun of or harassed
here
on campus. I have already talked to her about not isolating
herself. Do you think she is strong enough to handle this?"
"Some days she is stronger than others," I said
with all honesty.
"I'll call and talk to her."
I thanked him profusely for his understanding and help, and
said
I would get back to him. My stomach was churning. Would she never
be able to get away from her past? Had the move to Flagstaff
been
in vain? If she had to move again, there was still David in San
Jose. He had moved there for a good job after graduating from
college, the same year Ben graduated from high school.
After the vice-principal called me, any hope of concentrating
on
job for the day was gone so I called Danielle right away. She
said the had not called me because she didn't want to worry me.
"Anyway," she assured me, "it's no big deal."
She told me more about the circumstances leading up to her
revelation. She had recently become aware of rumors about her.
One girl had asked her if she had had sex reassignment surgery.
Danielle countered with, "That's a stupid question to ask
anyone." For a sociology class assignment she wrote an
autobiography, but without revealing the truth, she knew it made
no sense. She was sad that she could not reveal her real self,
especially when she received a D on the paper. After much
consideration, and all on her own, she decided to ask permission
from a substitute teacher to make an announcement near the end
of
the class period. It was then she told her story to her
classmates and the teacher, then left immediately since it was
near the end of the school day.
Within five minutes the story had spread through the whole
school.
As soon as the principal and vice-principal heard, they visited
her at home to see that she was all right and was not alone.
Ben
was already there because one of Danielle's friends had called
to
warn him that Danielle might need him. The school representatives
talked with Ben and Danielle for some time, then returned to
the
school, at which time the vice-principal called me. Even after
talking to the kids, he could not quite believe that Danielle
had once been a boy
While she was telling me about all that had taken place, she
kept
reassuring me. "It's no big deal, everything is going to
be fine,
so just don't worry."
"I'm your mother, that's my job.
I wanted to get in the car, drive eight hours to Flagstaff
and
bring her home to safety, but I realized that I could not give
her safety anywhere. She had to work through this for herself.
She could either be brave and proud by sticking it out or move
to
another new place and keep her mouth shut, thus denying part
of
who she is.
When I called a friend for support, he said, "You should
be proud of her. She is turning out to be an activist just like her
mother, and I didn't expect any less of her, for I have seen
in
her the courage and determination to be herself."
I called the vice-principal the next day to tell him that
Danielle thought everything was going to be fine. I learned that
he had a meeting with Danielle's teachers to let them know about
the situation and to request their help in assuring that she
was
not made fun of nor harassed in any way.
He did have a question. "Is her surgery complete so I
can say
that she is legally a female?"
That was an important question since she was in a girl's gym
class. I assured him that she was legally a female. I also told
him I would send him a packet of information about transsexuals.
I said, "Be proud of her for me."
He added, "We are all proud of her."
The next day I watched the clock while trying to keep my mind
on
my work until I could call Danielle after her first day "out"
at
school. She told me, "My day went really well. People gave
me
notes and letters of support. One girl even brought me flowers!
Total strangers came up to me to say how brave I was. They call
me by name, but I don't know who they are."
A week later I called the vice-principal again to see if he
had
survived. He told me, "There has been no press, no parents,
no
problems. Danielle seems to be doing fine. No big deal. I warned
the principals of the two other high schools in town to confirm
with me any rumors they might hear about this high school, but
they haven't heard a thing."
He thanked me for the packet of information on transsexuals
which
he had passed on to his administrative superiors and to his staff
We both agreed that this was a tremendous learning experience
for
students and staff. I thanked him again for his care and
understanding. The high school had handled the situation in a
very exemplary manner. Finally I had found a school
representative that was truly concerned about and considerate
of
his students' needs.
The Mexican American Club voted Danielle their president.
A boy
she had dated came to her house to watch movies again even though
he knew about her past. Danielle kept telling me, "It's
no big
deal. Nobody cares." I wanted to tell her it was a very
big deal.
It may have seemed like a small step for her, but it was a big
step towards the better understanding of those with gender
dysphoria.
* .* .* .* .*
The subject of transsexualism is misunderstood by the general
population whose thinking is still in the dark ages. I was born
an activist and now I have a cause.
My local school district has a committee to deal with gay
and
lesbian issues and to educate teaching staff about methods of
protecting students from discrimination. The organization Parents
and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) needed a representative
on this committee and I volunteered. At one of the first meetings
I met Ellen, the school district employee who had talked to me
when I was trying to learn the school district's policy on
transsexuals. The only information she would gave me at that
time
was, "we do not discriminate." As I suspected at the
time, she
was instructed by a supervisor to say nothing else. Ellen told
me
that she felt terrible that she had not been allowed to be more
helpful, and was very glad to know that we had found a safe
school for Danielle.
I joined the team that talks to teachers in elementary and
high
schools in our district about treating all students the same
and
making school a safe place for everyone. I share with them the
instances when teachers and counselors did not know what to do
with Daniel. My goal is simply to let every teacher at least
hear
the word transsexual. My hope is that in the future every school
will be a safe place for Danielle and others like her. We leave
written information at the school that includes resources and
people to contact for more information.
Teachers in many of the schools have already seen students
with
gender issues. Although there still is not much that a teacher
can do, they can at least be accepting and try to protect the
student from teasing and ridicule. Unless the parents are
involved in the student's situation, the teachers' hands are
tied.
International Conference on Transgender Law & Employment
Policy,
Inc. (ICTLEP) is a group of lawyers & professionals working
on
the legal and employment issues for transsexuals. I attended
one
of their annual meetings in Texas and found it very interesting,
although most of the subjects addressed concerned transgendered
adults: employment, child custody, marriage, legal papers, etc.
There seemed to be no one dealing with matters important to teens
and students. Again I was impressed by the transsexuals, who
were
well-adjusted ' working professionals, as well as the movers
and
shakers in the transgendered movement. Although Danielle just
wanted to be a girl, there are those who want to be androgynous,
or bi-gendered, (sometimes male, sometimes female), or want to
establish a third sex or five sexes, or to do away with gender
altogether. I learned about the intersexed or hermaphrodites
and
their quest to choose their own gender, and not have some surgeon
decide at birth.
As I became more involved with Neutral Comer, I joined their
Speakers Bureau, talking to students at various college classes.
One or two transsexuals or crossdressers and I would show these
students that the transgendered population is human, and won't
hurt anyone. Students are in college to be educated and we want
to add to their education. We want people to understand that
gender identity is not a choice. Who would choose to have such
a
difficult life? We emphasize that this is not a mental illness.
Unfortunately it is in the best interest of the counseling
industry to perpetuate the myth that it is a mental or
psychological problem. There are support groups for the
transgendered individuals so they won't give up and hurt
themselves through drug or alcohol abuse or in drastic cases,
by
suicide.
The national PFLAG organization has invited me to speak
several times to help educate their members. At present there
are
few parents who understand the problems, but we hope that there
will be more in the future.
Everywhere I go and tell the story of Danielle and her need to be
a girl, someone tells me "You are such a wonderful mother."
That
statement still surprises me because I have always felt that
I
was not particularly good at mothering, being a rather
unconventional and haphazard parent. I have only done what any
mother can do, give unconditional love to my child.
When transsexuals hear my story they tell me that they knew
they
were transsexuals when they were teenagers, but were afraid to
tell their parents. As I became better at using the computer
and
the internet, I joined several listservers dealing with
transsexualism. There is now a group of parents ready and willing
to contact other parents through the internet. There are also
a
few teen stories and other relevant information available through
these means.
There seems to be an increasing number of younger children
telling their parents that they feel they need to be the opposite
gender. I hope we can spread the knowledge that these children
need love and understanding.
When Danielle was living at home I always told her where I
was
going to speak and invited her to come with me. She went with
me
once or twice but was not comfortable talking about her situation
in public, or she had other things to do that were more important
to a teenager. I respected her wishes not to talk at her school,
and she understood my need to try to change the world.
We have a family e-mail list including an extended family.
The
following are two letters written about Danielle for all the
family to read. The first is from her brother, and the second
from her Grandma Clela. The third letter is from Danielle to
the
rest of the family.
* * * * *
Hello again everyone.
This is a subject that probably a lot of people have discussed
but are a little afraid to ask questions about. The subject
I am
talking about is my wonderful sister Danielle.
Danielle decided to come clean to me with her secret while
she
was in Phoenix visiting me. I went to work one day and said
good-bye to Daniel and came home to Danielle. At first I was
full
of self pity, and didn't know what I was gonna do or what
everyone would think of it. For several weeks I could hardly
sleep at night thinking of what would happen to her and why this
had happened to our family. We had already been through so much
and now this. Before this happened to our family I had watched
talk shows where there were people in similar situations and
I
had to turn the channel because it made me almost ill. I always
thought to myself that the people that were like that must have
grown up in some really messed up families. I have since changed
my mind and look at all people in a different light.
It's kinda strange how things can change 180 degrees when
they
hit close to home. At first I really thought no good could
possibly come of this change that Daniel had made. He was my
brother for 16 years, 16 years is a long time to know someone
and
then all of a sudden for them to change. The neighbor girl who
was a very close friend helped Danielle go through this
transformation and they became very close. I had known the
neighbor, Denise, for about two years and we were pretty good
friends. She helped me to understand a little about why Danielle
had done this, and was there to talk to about it when I needed
her. It almost felt a little like it was my fault that this had
happened because I had been there almost all the time and I let
this happen. I tried to think of where it could have gone wrong
and why this terrible thing had happened to us.
As time passed I got more comfortable with it and eventually
even
got to the point where I could call her Danielle right to her
face. I visited my Mom several months ago and took Danielle to
the beach to stroll around the boardwalk.
I enjoyed the time I
had with her immensely and know that it would have never been
nearly the same if I had taken her before she went through the
transformation. She had turned from a sort of mischievous boy
into the most wonderful girl anyone could know. My friend in
Phoenix saw her at graduation and instantly fell in love with
her
and her lovely smile.
It now seems to me that she is very happy to be alive and
transmits that attitude to everyone she knows. I know from
stories my Mom tells me that she is very outgoing and meets new
people every day. Whenever I call, she is very excited about
all
kinds of things that she is doing in her life and it just fills
my heart with pride because I can see the big smile on her faceand know the hard work and struggle she had had to deal with
to
get to where she is. I know if you all knew her the way she is
now you would instantly be overwhelmed by the beaming attitude
she has toward life, and the courage and confidence she has in
herself to be a good person no matter what has happened.
Although at first I felt sorry for myself, I now consider
myself lucky to have a sister such as she is. Most people fight with
their sisters and don't appreciate them much. I think of how
proud I am of mine and know that this is one of the bravest and
most warm people I know, and it just so happens that she is my
sister. While most girls her age are worried about makeup and
perfume and how they won't live without a certain outfit, my
sister is enjoying life and bringing joy to those that know her.
She has grown up brave just like my Mom and she will be
unstoppable in whatever goals she set for herself and I will
stand behind her no matter what she decides.
This brings me to another subject I have to talk about. Some
of
you may wonder why I am not married and do not really have any
serious girlfriends in my life so far. Well, any girl that I
meet
and is a candidate has some very high expectations from me
because two of the women that I admire the most happen to be
my
family members. That is my Mom and my sister and it will be hard
for any girls to come up to par against them. But then, half
the
fun is finding that special girl that I know has to be out there
somewhere.
Love,
David
II
RE: MY NEW GRANDDAUGHTER
David did well to introduce us to his sister, Danielle. I
used to
have eight grandsons and two granddaughters and now I have seven
grandsons and three granddaughters, and the most recent is the
oldest. That might be difficult to explain, but not after you
have met Danielle.
It has been a little more than a year since Evelyn told me
that
her 15-year old son, Daniel, had revealed to her that he believed
he was really a girl. Almost immediately I said, "He has
always
been a girl!"
You see, I have many memories of this special child. I remember
a
small boy of about three years who often sat on the arm of the
couch combing and arranging his mother's long and curly hair.
(He
was still styling her hair years later.) That small boy liked
to
play with dolls and he saw some kind of value in a dismembered
Barbie doll in the toys that I kept for visiting children. On
his
ninth birthday, his wish was for a doll with long hair and a
pony
with a long mane - and the family fulfilled his wish. Several
times he had me help him make clothes for his doll. He would
pick
out some material from the scrap box and together we would
fashion clothes. His choice of cloth was always the bright shiny
pieces.
In kindergarten when he was getting settled in a new school,
I
asked how he liked it. He said, "It is beautiful! The colors
are
so pretty." I didn't understand that statement until I had
an
occasion to pick him up from school. Every schoolroom door around
the big court was painted a different color - pink, purple,
green, blue, yellow - so it was very colorful. He always
described textures, as well as colors, whenever it was
appropriate.
He never played any sports, except when he was involved in
acrobatic classes which seemed to fit him naturally. He did
exceptionally well with it.
This little grandson was extremely loving. I always got a
big hug
when he came to visit, another when he left, and usually a time
or two during the stay. He was also very sensitive to other
people's feelings.
He could tell when someone was not feeling well or was angry
or uncomfortable.
At an age when most little boys were finding their best friends
from among the boys, his friends were girls. When he had a chance
to take two or three friends on an outing on his birthdays, he
always picked girls, and this pattern of having girls for his
close friends continued through junior high school.
Daniel was always close to his mother in ways that you would
not
expect of a son. They appeared to have such fun together. When
he
became old enough to be aware of his mother's clothes, he would
advise her on what to wear, and later she always took him along
to pick out new clothes for her wardrobe. Two years ago his
mother and I helped to host a bridal shower for a friend. Her
son, then 13 years old, arranged her hair. He used a small
chignon of curls on the back of her hair and with a ribbon,
blended it in with her own curls. The style was perfect with
the
flower print and lace of her dress. She was pretty as a picture,
and Daniel appreciated and praised her beauty profusely.
He was the one in the family that would get the urge to clean
and
straighten the house, and would get after his brothers to put
things away. As he started to think about his life work, he chose
interior decorating. At one time I sent him a subscription to
an
interior decorating magazine, and I knew he liked to visit model
homes to look at the furnishings.
Those of us close to this special child recognized that he
was
different, but had no clue as to the cause. He was very animated
as he talked, with unusual movements of his hands and body. As
I
watched him walk, I sometimes thought, "Can't he walk like
a boy?
Doesn't he know he walks like a girl?" He knew, because
his
schoolmates teased him about his walk, and I know now that he
couldn't do anything about it. Now we see those same movements
and animation and feminine gait as perfect for a teenage girl.
The age at which Danielle made this drastic change was unusual,
for more often it is made much later in life. It wasn't a sudden
idea, for Evelyn knew some months before the announcement that
Daniel was emotionally upset. Some have wondered if a teenager of
16 years should be making this important decision. Consider this
question: At what point in life did you make the "decision"
to be
male or female?
Many studies have been done to determine why girls act like
girls
and boys like boys. From what I have read, it is not because
people expect girls to act like girls, but simply because that
behavior is genetically determined. Girls play with dolls, are
nurturing, and place great importance on relationships. Boy play
with cars and trucks, are competitive, and play ball. For more
information read, 'Brain Sex' by Mohr and Jessel.
I can identify with David's discomfort at listening to the
transsexuals on TV talk shows. It turned me off too, because
I
figured there was something unhealthy and unbalanced about such
persons, and I still don't understand their desire to become
celebrities. I knew one woman that became a man after she had
two
sons, and later became a woman again. She told her story on
national TV. But I have gained tolerance for those individuals
whose sexual orientation does not match their sexual organs
because of my close contact with Danielle. She does not want
to
be given attention because she is a transsexual. She is a girl
and has always been a girl and doesn't want people to think about
anything else.
What I think is commendable is that Evelyn immediately sought
professional advice on how to assist Danielle to make the
transition in the way that was best for her. This led to
psychological testing, electrolysis, and hormone therapy -
treatments which were uncomfortable and sometimes painful for
Danielle. The fact that her brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles
on both sides of her family were supportive, with one or two
exceptions, is also commendable. Some who have had qualms about
getting acquainted with Danielle have had their doubts
immediately swept away when they meet the beautiful, vivacious,
out-going young lady. Even though I too, understood the situation
and knew it was right for Danielle, I have had a real problem
with the pronouns - he, she, him, her - but I am getting better at it. I am so pleased to see her blossom scholastically and
socially, and her excitement about life is contagious. She has
courageously faced the necessary difficulties, and recognizes
that the road ahead won't be easy, but she is up to it. Life
sometimes uses strange ways to teach us tolerance and
understanding of persons who have problems different from our
own. How fortunate we are to be able to learn this lesson from
Danielle.
III
Dear Family,
Hello, My name is Danielle. I thought it was time I made an
introduction to the family since I am a recent addition to it.
It
has taken be a long time to decide to introduce myself and am
happy that I have finally gotten a small grip of my confidence
to
do so. I have been through many obstacles and challenges these
last three year, for that I owe to my soul searching ( my
happiness).
My mother is (as many know her) "Just Evelyn". Evelyn
who I love,
cherish and give thanks for giving me life and happiness. She
is
a very courageous women, hard worker, and one who has the biggest
heart not fully seen by everyone but when seen is never ending.
Through hard times and good my mother has raised three children:
although she may deny this honorable task, her children know
the
truth.
I was born December 30, 1978. Since then I have lived two
lives
that are completely different from each other. At the present
I
am eighteen years old and very happy to be myself. I will be
entering my senior year this fall; I am looking forward to it.
I
am living in Flagstaff, Arizona small town close to the grand
canyon. Flagstaff is a very beautiful town with mountains
surrounding it. It also has many trees. I have made good friends
since I have moved to this small town: friendships that are often
hard to find and I am glad for them for they have helped me to
understand myself & other people. I cannot say how happy
I am for
some times it hurts and is hard to explain, but I know it is
a
good feeling, that I have waited so long for, and I know it will
not go away.
As most of my family knows and for those who do not, I am
a
female now but I was born genetically a male. At the age of
fifteen I told my mother that I was unhappy being a male and
that
I wished I could be a woman since I always felt like a women
inside me. My, mother was very shocked since she thought I would
grow up to be gay. The way I saw it was: I thought as myself
being a women and liking a man and the man liking me for being
a
women so I did not feel gay. After I had told her it was like
a
wall between us had been torn down. We became one that night
as
daughter and mother. My mother knew that I was going to need
her
more than ever, she was also going to need me for support.
Together my mother and I could do everything that we wished and
we were not going to back down.
I dressed up as a girl the day after I told my mother about
me
really being a girl. My mother helped me get dressed up for the
first time, she didn't say it but I could tell she really enjoyed
it. My mother as a little girl I think never blossomed because
she had many restrictions. So my mother lived out her childhood
by watching me blossom into a very happy girl. When the shock
had
gone away from telling her, my mother began a mission to find
out
as much information as possible since I was anxious to start
my
new life. We soon found out that my complete transformation was
going to take awhile. I had to first live full time as a women
for one year and have two counselors evaluate me before I could
have sex reassignment surgery (a sex change) I also had to change
schools so that I could start as a girl since at the school I
was
they knew me as a boy. I was starting a new life. Those few weeks
after I told my mother we were creating a new person. A girl
was
being born. Her name is Danielle.
On the date of June 27, 1996 I had my sex reassignment surgery
in
Neenah, Wisconsin. My mother was very helpful to me during it
and
I could not of done it without her. Clela Fuller, my grandmother
dropped in right after my surgery which made me very happy that
I
had support from family. I was in the hospital nine days. On
the
seventh day, I got up from bed rest. The surgery turned out to
be
less painful than I had originally thought. A year has passed
since then and I've just gone through breast augmentation which
was very painful, but once again my mother was there to make
it
as easy as possible on me. Now that I have done everything
surgery-wise, I am having fun blossoming into who I was always
supposed to be. I am dating guys and just having a great time.
If
only you could all see my happiness.
I will always love everyone.
Danielle
ADVICE TO TEENS
If you are a youth questioning your gender identity, you are
not
alone. There are many more like you than most people realize.
There are other teens that feel the same way that you do. Your
best source of information is the internet, or your local gay
and
lesbian center.
You can succeed and become who you need to be. It is not easy
or
cheap. You are very fortunate if you have a supportive family.
I
would suggest that you make at least one attempt to let your
family know. I would have been able to start helping my child
so
much sooner if she would have told me sooner. Leave a book or
pamphlet laying around by accident that addresses gender issues.
Talk about a "friend" wanting to be a different gender
than they
appear or bring up the subject with your mother. If she freaks,
then back off. Tell her you were just kidding, or under stress
or
going crazy. Then suggest that maybe you need counseling and
see
what happens.
At all costs, try not to get kicked out of the house. Stay
in
school, you are going to need a really good job to pay the bills
involved in becoming comfortable with your gender. You can do
it
by yourself, but it takes longer and you may have to put it off
until you can support yourself.
There is family you are born with and family you gather as
you go
along. If your family cannot accept You, don't drag them along
behind you for years. It is a great weight on your karma. Take
care of' yourself, find accepting friends, adopt other people
who
need family and then maybe someday your family will catch up
with
you.
You have the right to be the gender that you feel you are
inside.
You are not hurting anyone else, they are hurting themselves.
You
are not sinning, you are not crazy. You are not a second class
citizen. You deserve the best, and if no one else will help you
then do it for yourself.
Your sexual orientation is completely separate from your gender
identity. Labels don't always work. You can feel attracted to
men, or women, or both or neither. Who you are attracted to can
change as you figure out who you are. Its OK. There is nothing
wrong with you. Accept other people for who they are regardless
of gender.
Your transition is your trip at your speed. There are some
minimum times prescribed by the Henry Benjamin standards. But
if
it takes you 2 years to start hormones, or you stay in the
androgynous stage for months, its OK. This is your trip and there
are no maps.
Keep living. Don't put life off until you can have surgery.
Enjoy
the humor in life. Enjoy every day as another day in becoming
you.
ADVICE TO PARENTS
After searching for the perfect way to raise a transsexual,
I
have found that every transsexual has a different set of problems
with, accordingly, a different set of solutions. The following
points are my personal opinions only and should be added to any
other information available and to the parent's own common sense.
Demand good care! do not consider yourself a beggar, a victim,
or
a second class citizen. Let your teen set his or her own pace.
Discuss options, but let your teen make the decisions about his
or her life whenever possible. Keep a sense of humor, and use
lots of hugging.
HIGH SCHOOL
Moving to a new neighborhood and a new school during the summer
worked really well for us although I know of a few transsexuals
who have survived transition at their current school.
Ask the school district about alternative schools, home schooling
and alternative PE programs in your area.
Ask the school district if they have a Gay / Lesbian / Bisexual
/Transgendered student union on any of their school campuses,
or
if there are any openly gay teachers at any school. These
campuses are more likely to be accepting of diversity.
Have your teen decide which bathroom he/she would feel more
comfortable using and then encourage him/her to just go ahead
and
use those facilities. If you let the school administrators make
a
choice, they may choose something that is not acceptable to you
and your teen.
Unless your teen is ready and strong enough to be an activist,
the fewer people in the school who know, the better.
COUNSELING
Questions to ask a prospective counselor:
What educational degrees do you have?
Are you licensed by the state in which you practice, and licensed
by which state agency?
How many teen transsexual clients do they have? (seeing them
on
TV talk shows does not count). If they have seen none, or only
one, this lets them know that you know that they are not an
expert. Since you will be teaching them, maybe you can negotiate
a better per hour price. (Don't count on it.).
Do you know the difference between sex and gender, gender
and
orientation, crossdressers and transsexuals?
How do transsexual teen issues differ from those of an adult?
(some differences teens must address are problems with school,
parents, dating, sexual orientation, peer pressure, self-esteem,
while adults face problems with employment, family, marriage,
children, finances, learning feminine mannerisms.)
Do you have a current copy of the Harry Benjamin Standard
of
Care, do you follow them, and if so, how strictly?
Do you require psychological testing? Which tests? How much
do
they cost? Who will administer them? Will the client or parents
receive written results?
What is the minimum number of visits before you will write
a surgery referral letter.
Do you know the side effects of hormones? (Be sure the counselor
mentions or knows about the emotional side-effects.)
How do you feel about prescribing Prozac and why?
An experienced counselor should:
Know at least one endocrinologist.
Know one transsexual friendly electrologist.
Know the local support groups.
Be able to give you names of relevant books on the subject.
Know the requirements and forms for changing the Drivers license,
and Social Security.
Know contacts in the local school district.
ENDOCRINOLOGIST
Questions to ask:
How many transsexuals have you treated?
What do you charge for a new patient physical exam'?
Do you give a discount for cash payments?
Is your staff understanding of the issues?
What laboratory tests do you require and at what intervals?
Who does your laboratory work, and do you have a financial
interest in the lab?
What is your usual regimen for treating transsexuals?
Do you use an androgen blocker?
What are the side-effects of hormones, emotional and physical?
Will you work with us if we want to try different things,
such as
injections versus oral hormones, or synthetic versus animal
origin hormones?
What happens if hormones are discontinued?
What hormones do you prescribe post sex reassignment surgery?
ELECTROLYSIS
IT IS AN ART NOT A SCIENCE. The skills of the practitioner
are
more important than the method, or the type of machine that they
use.
Electrolysists are required to be licensed in some states,
but
not in others.
Costs can range from $25 to $100 per hour. Some offer discount
for multiple hours paid in advance. Electrolysis schools are
a
less expensive option.
One should begin to see permanent result after 20-25 hours
of
treatment in one area.
A full beard may take up to 300 hours of treatment or more.
Any marks from weekly electrolysis treatments should be gone
after to three days.
Ask other transsexuals for referrals and look at their skin
to
see if they have scars or pitting, especially on the upper lip
area.
Shaving is the preferred method to use between electrolysis
treatments
All electrolysists should be using a new disposable needle
for
each appointment.
He/she should have and use a sterilizer to sterilize the tweezers
after each client.
Before and after pictures are sometimes used, but taking full
nude pictures is not an acceptable practice.
Laser hair removal has mixed results: it works better on some
types of hair, on some people. I personally know people who have
had to go back to electrolysis after laser treatment to complete
their hair removal. No transsexuals that I know have had
complete, permanent hair removal through laser treatments.
I am often asked about home electrolysis units but I have
had no
hands on experience with them. I have seen pictures and read
the
instructions and seen the scars as a result of infection on one
client that had used such a machine. It is very hard to use these
units on oneself. They are very slow in comparison to what an
electrolysist can do, and the needles that are used repeatedly
are less safe than the disposable needles used by electrolysists
today. These small machines may be useful if there are only a
few
hairs that need to be removed.
SURGEONS
Questions to ask the surgeon that is being considered:
Do you do sex reassignment surgery on teens and how many have
you
treated?
Do you require consent for minors from both parents?
How much does the surgery cost, and what is included? (This
and
other routine information may be available in a brochure.
Transportation costs are in addition to the cost of surgery.)
Do you require genital area electrolysis? If so, why? What
have
been the complications that you have seen that were caused when
genital electrolysis was not done? What percentage of patients
have had complications from hair in the wrong place post
surgery.?
What percentage of your patients need donor skin?
Are there visible scars after surgery and where are they?
Do you
have pictures of persons with the post-surgery scars?
Is the surgery done in one step, or is a second surgery necessary
(labiaplasty)?
Is there a care facility for post surgical patients, or do
they
go to a motel for a few days?
What is the dilating schedule after surgery? What kind of
dilator do you recommend?
Do you have a waiting list?
* * * * *
Writing is one of my coping skills. This following piece was
written in the middle of the night when I could not sleep due
to
the anger and frustration with the counseling and medical
industry.
The Vultures
As luck would have it a girl child was born in the body of
a
boy child and no one knew until the child came to the age of
15,
when he revealed himself to a loving mother who quickly saw the
anguish and dilemma of her son. She had seen his feminine side
and the sorrow in his eyes. She went to seek advice from the
counselors of the land and found the vultures instead. Although
none had dealt with this problem in the bloom of youth, all were
ready to charge high prices for their expertise. There were rules
written by unseen Gods in the sky concerning these matters. One
must first consult one of the above mentioned experts until
he/she deems the child sane and capable of knowing what he feels
inside, and only then is he allowed to use the magic potion that
starts the physical changes from boy to girl.
The administrators of the magic potion also have their rules
and practice much poking and blood letting. Then the child must
convince at least two of the above-mentioned experts, that the
child is not crazy, but was simply born with the wrong body
parts. The child must continue consulting the vultures who have
no experience for at least half a year and the child must live
as
a girl to match her heart and soul for at least a year before
one
can progress to the surgeons. Showing wisdom, the child asks
why
one does not need the advice of two experts before one has
children, or gets married as the child sees that many do not
realize the problems involved in those decisions. Why must they
ask her so many questions when he knows very clearly what she
feels inside? Why do they question her intelligence when anyone
can clearly see that this boy has become a beautiful girl and
only needs help removing the extra parts that are like a tumor
to
her.
Can they not see that within this one being is such a war,
that the battle is often lost to drink, or drugs, or
self-destruction. The vultures wait for the dead bodies. How
many
have they picked clean so there is no money or strength to
continue the journey to the surgeons who sculpt the new parts?
Along the way are the people who know what God thinks and judge
the child as a sinner. There are others who cannot see the
goodness in the child and shun her as if she were diseased, or
might hurt them in some way. The mother can only hug the child
and do her best to pay the prices demanded, but has been given
no
advice on how to help the child be happy and whole. She tries
to
shield the child from the evils of the advisors who question
the
child's intelligence and sanity, all the while degrading what
small self-esteem the mother has been able to muster within her
child with her love and encouragement. The vultures ignore her
love and understanding of the child; no one asks her opinion
about the future of the child, they only ask for money from her.
In ancient times such children were considered as the spiritually
gifted because they understood both men and women. When and how
has it become an indication of insanity?
After passing through the long and narrow valley full of
vultures, the child is able to submit her beautiful young body
to
the knife of the surgeon who does remove the unwanted parts,
but
in so doing left unsightly scars in other visible areas. The
surgeons do much experimenting on the bodies of thankful victims,
trying to perfect their art and become the best in the land,
but
in the meantime making many mistakes. The mother's heart breaks
when she sees what has been done, but the child is so thankful
to
have the right body that allows her to be as one inside and
outside, that the scars are a small price. So the mother hugs
the
child who is now whole and happy and ready to get on with her
life, but the shadow of the vultures remain in the mother's
heart.
GLOSSARY
Crossdresser: Person who enjoys wearing clothes identified
with
the opposite gender on a temporary basis.
Gender Identity: One's internal sense of being male or female.
Gender Dysphoria: Psychological term describing the
feelings of
pain, anguish, and anxiety when gender identity and physical
sex
do not match
Intersexed: Those born with ambiguous genitalia.
Hermaphrodites: Born with both ovarian & testicular
tissues.
Male to Female Sex Reassignment surgery: Surgeon turns
the
penis inside out to build a vagina, removes the testes, and
reroutes
the urethra. A rigid dilator is used multiple times a day for
months to keep the new vagina open. Cost approximately $13,000
and up in the US and $7,000 in Canada.
Female to Male surgery: Usually includes several surgeries
including mastectomy, full hysterectomy, Closure of the vagina
and construction of a neopenis and scrotum. Cost $25,000 to $
100,000.
Transgendered: People questioning their gender identity
which
differs from their physical sex. May include crossdressers,
transsexuals, intersexed and others as an umbrella term.
Transsexual: A person whose birth genitalia differ
from their
internal gender identity.
READING RECOMMENDATIONS
Brown, Mildred and Rounsley, Chloe Ann, True Selves Understanding
Transsexualism for Family, Friends, Coworkers and Helping
Professionals. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1996.
Stringer, JoAnn Altman. The Transsexual's Surviv al Guide II:To
Transition and Beyond for Family, Friends and Employers, 1992.
Moir, Anne and Jessel, David. Brain Sex, The Real Difference
Between Men and Women. Dell Pub/Bantam Doubleday; 1992.
Feinberg, Leslie, Transgendered Warriors: Making History from
Joan of Arc to RuPaul. Boston: Beacon Press, 1996
Israel, Bianna and Tarver, D., Transgender Care: Recommended
Guidelines, Practical Information, and Personal Accounts.
Philadelphia: Temple University Press, 1997.
NATIONAL TRANSGENDERED ORGANIZATIONS AND
RESOURCES
American Educational Gender Inforination Service (AEGIS) is
an
excellent source of information, books and referrals.
AEGIS, P.O.Box 724
Decatur, GA 30333
(770) 939-0244
Internet: AEGIS@gender.org
The International Federation for Gender Education (IFGE) is
another source for information, referrals books.
IFGE
PO Box 229
Waltham, MA 02254-0229
(617) 899-2212
Internet: IFGE@world.std.con,
The International Conference on Transgender Law and Employment
Policy (ICTLEP).
ICTLEP
PO Box 1010
Cooperstown, NY 13326
(607) 547-4118
Internet: ICTLEPHDQ@aol.com
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG).
PFLAG 1101 14th St., NW
Washington, DC 20005
(202) 638-4200
Internet: Communications@pflag.org
Support group for transgendered people.
NEUTRAL CORNER
P.O. Box 19008
San Diego, Ca. 92159
Voice Mail: (619) 685-3696
Dr. Elizabeth Uzi's One-Stop Ten Minute Therapy Sessions to Go Only $29.99 [A Play in One Act]
Dr. Elizabeth Uzi's One-Stop
Ten Minute Therapy Sessions to Go Only $29.99
A Play in One Act
Overture: "Don't You Worry About A Thing" by
Stevie Wonder
The curtain rises slowly revealing the
reception area of a modern therapist's office.
It is sparely decorated, the walls are stark white and the waiting room
is completely occupied. Tormented and terrified people are seated in chairs; totally
oblivious to each other. A sign hangs at
the entrance: Dr. Elizabeth Uzi's One-Stop Ten Minute Therapy Sessions to Go -
$29.99.
Entering the office is Jimi, a twenty five
year old preppie-looking young man. He
seems to be confused and approaches a woman in her mid-forties who is trying
too hard to dress like her teenage daughter. She is reading The Weekly World
newspaper. The music fades.
JIMI
Excuse me, is
there a receptionist here?
WOMAN
Not anymore. She
killed herself.
JIMI
Oh my god!
WOMAN
Yep. Just two days
ago. Priscilla was her name. Only 19 years old. Pretty young thing. She was sitting in the
very chair you're sitting in right now. Reached in her purse, pulled out a .357
Magnum put it to her temple and BAM, blew her brains out all over the floor.
Dr. Uzi was really upset about it too.
JIMI
I can imagine.
WOMAN
I'm telling ya, it
was a terrible situation. It took poor Julio
three hours to scrub the bloodstains out of the carpet.
JIMI
Do you mind if I
ask you something?
WOMAN
You already did ask
me something.
Several patients are seen and heard
sniffling and sobbing in the background.
The woman is highly annoyed and turns to them.
WOMAN
What the hell is
this? Stop your goddamn whining right
now. You all know the rules about crying
in here. So shut the fuck up!
JIMI
She forbids
crying? What kind of therapist bans crying in her office?
WOMAN
A smart one. And I don't blame her either. It takes up too much time in a session and
all that sobbing and weeping only upsets the other basket cases already here.
JIMI
So she's good
huh? Cause I was a little nervous. You know she has a reputation for being kind
of mean.
WOMAN
Listen little boy,
if you can't handle the truth, you might as well march your ass out of here
right now. Dr. Uzi keeps it real. Painfully real.
JIMI
So she helped you?
WOMAN
Are you shittin
me? Dr. Uzi saved my marriage.
JIMI
In ten minutes?
WOMAN
Let me ask you
something? What does my screwed up
childhood and dysfunctional family have to do with the fact that my husband is screwing
his secretary?
JIMI
Well I don't know,
perhaps unconscious childhood examples where established, therefore...
WOMAN
Bullshit!
JIMI
Well how did she
solve your problem?
WOMAN
She told me I
should bust a cap in his ass.
JIMI
You shot him?
WOMAN
Hell yeah! I did eighteen months upstate, but it saved
my marriage. We have kids and shit.
Enter Dr. Uzi. She is a serious and attractive woman in her
mid-thirties who looks more like a fashion model than a therapist. She sports a black double breasted pin-striped
Ann Taylor suit, a low cut Norma Kamali blouse and a glass-bead necklace ala;
Me and Ro. She grabs a clipboard off the wall and breezes past the patients
without so much as a glance in their direction. She is about to enter her
office, stops, turns around and re-enters the waiting room.
DR.UZI
What is that I
hear? Is somebody in her sniffling? Huh?
Who's crying?
A MAN
(Timidly, raising his hand)
It' me Dr. Uzi,
but I have a cold. I'm not crying. I promise.
DR.UZI
Oh, I see. But you
have a cold? And you thought you could
just waltz right on in here and spread your filthy germs around to all these other losers so they can get
sick and sue me.
A MAN
You see, I didn't
think...
DR.UZI
That's right, you
didn't think. And you know what? Keep
your damn money and get the hell out of my office.
The man, now in tears, stands up and
sheepishly exits. Dr. Uzi saunters in to
her office which looks like it has been worked over by a drunken Ralph Lauren.
Hanging on the wall are three large framed paintings by John Singer Sargent of
Carl Jung, Sigmund Freud and Dr. Phil.
She plops down in her oversized Kittinger® office chair, puts her freshly pedicured feet
up on the Victorianantique desk, pours
herself a double shot of Glenfiddich® 80 year old scotch, lights a Nat Sherman® cigarette,
and kicks off her Kate Spade stilettos while she glances at her hand-made
marble clipboard.
DR.UZI
Let's get the last
one to come in here out of the way first.
That should piss everybody off. (Shouting) James H., bring your sorry ass in here.
Jimi creeps in and takes a seat. He looks terrified.
DR.UZI
What‘s your full
name shaky?
JIMI
Jimi. Jimi Hendrix.
DR.UZI
Get the hell outta
my office!
JIMI
NO! Wait, my
parents were hippies, okay? Dr. Uzi I have a serious problem here, but it's
hard to explain.
DR.UZI
Take your time, I
get paid either way.
JIMI
Okay you see
there's this girl at work that I like. I
want to ask her out, but I'm afraid of her.
DR.UZI
Afraid? Why?
Does she carry a gun?
JIMI
How's that?
DR.UZI
You said you were
afraid of her. I figured she must carry
some kind of weapon to frighten you.
JIMI
No, no, no, she‘s
not that kind of girl.
DR.UZI
Oh come on, you
don't know what kind of girl she is; you're too spineless to ask her out.
JIMI
What if she turns
me down?
DR.UZI
Then fuck
her! There are plenty of chicks out
there.
JIMI
Golly, you sound
like a man talking.
DR.UZI
No, men sound like
me talking.
JIMI
So you think I
should ask her out?
DR.UZI
How the hell else
are you gonna find out if she's the genuine article or a complete nut-case?
JIMI
Oh I'm sure she's
completely sane. She's a nice, straight,
church-going gal. We work at a
non-profit organization that gives food to the homeless.
DR.UZI
How spiritually
correct of you. All I'm saying is,
you'll never know if she's a freak or not unless you ask her out.
JIMI
I suppose you're
right.
DR.UZI
I mean she could
be into some really wild and kinky stuff.
And as Martha would say, that would be a good thing!
JIMI
I highly doubt it.
DR.UZI
Don't be so quick
to judge a pretty book by its innocent cover. Okay, what if you ask her out and
she says yes?
JIMI
Wow! That would be great!
DR.UZI
So you two go out,
have a good time and then she says she wants to go back to your place?
JIMI
Jesus, I'd be
really happy.
DR.UZI
So you get back to
your house and she strips off all her cloths and says, Come here Jimi and show me why I was born a woman and not a vacuum
cleaner.
JIMI
Well I think you
know what I would do.
DR.UZI
Then she tells you
to tie her up, spank her ass and call her a dirty little slut.
JIMI
Dr. Uzi!
DR.UZI
And good for her
if she is a sex maniac.
JIMI
I'm telling you she's
not that kind of girl.
DR.UZI
Fifty bucks says
she's a Ho.
JIMI
Oh, you're
probably right. Nothing works out for me here. I've had nothing but bad luck
with women in Manhattan.
I should have never left California. I hate New
York.
DR.UZI
And New York hates you back. Oh, come on Jimi, be a man; ask her out and
prove me wrong. You have nothing to
loose and you could wind up with fifty bucks.
JIMI
Look, I know
you're right but I don't see any point in walking head first into
rejection. But if I do, this will be the
last New York
chick I'll ever ask out.
DR.UZI
What-ever! Just gimmie my money and get
the hell out of my office.
JIMI
Thanks a lot Dr.
Uzi.
He stands, drops a check on his desk and
exits. Dr. Uzi glances at the clipboard again and calls her next patient.
DR.UZI
Dixie Hunter, you
still here?
No one responds. An elderly man is sitting next to a tall thin
blonde in dark shades. He nudges
her. The woman wakes up and stands.
DIXIE
Oh, is it my turn?
(She saunters into the office, removes
sunglasses, and sits on the windowsill)
Sorry Dr. Uzi, I fell asleep.
DR.UZI
Eh, you didn't
miss anything.
DIXIE
Mind if I bum a
smoke?
DR.UZI
(Tossing a box of cigarettes across the room,
which Dixie catches)
So what's eating
la femme?
DIXIE
It's a stupid
chick problem and frankly, I'm embarrassed to even talk about it.
DR.UZI
Humiliation builds
character or something like that. What
line of work are you in sweetie?
DIXIE
I'm a stripper. Usually
people don't have to ask. Anyway, I've been living with this guy for five years
and I want to leave him.
DR.UZI
Why? You don't love him anymore?
DIXIE
I never loved
him. But he's just so damn good to me.
DR.UZI
So he's loaded.
DIXIE
Dr. Uzi, I used to
be totally messed up. I had no
self-esteem, skinny as a rail, promiscuous and stupid. See, Carlos really helped me learn to love
myself. He's from California
and got me into yoga and meditation and even paid for my boob job. Carlos is a
down-to-earth guy even though he owns a couple dozen strip clubs. But that's
how I got started in the business.
DR.UZI
Does he love you?
DIXIE
Oh my god, he's
nuts about me. The man treats me like a queen. Of course, I do give
him some damn good booty. But ya know, I
am a professional. Dr. Uzi, It would
break his poor heart to pieces if I left him.
DR.UZI
Let me get this
straight. You got a guy that's loaded, loves you to death, treats you good, you
have great sex with and you want to leave him.
Man, you really are a white chick.
DIXIE
See, I love Carlos,
but I'm not in love with him. He's
sweet and all, but he bores me so much I want to murder him.
DR.UZI
So you think it's
better to stay with him and deceive him in the worst possible way.
DIXIE
I never thought of
it that way.
DR.UZI
Look Dixie, I hate being dead serious, but here we go. Carlos is a decent guy who deserves a girl
that loves all the things about him you find so unexciting.
DIXIE
But there's
another problem that's kinda connected to it.
You see, I don't want strip any more.
DR.UZI
Are you nuts
girlfriend? You make twice as much as I do
and I have a PhD.
DIXIE
Yeah I know. And I
feel terrible about that all the time, except when they're stuffing fifty
dollar bills in my G-string. But here's
the thing, I got a job offer to manage a titty bar in Santa Monica.
DR.UZI
And that means
leaving Carlos. I don't know, this sounds more like a solution than a problem
to me.
DIXIE
Carlos hates California and he's from Santa Monica.
He hates even talking about it. But thank heavens for this kid at work
who is always noising about going back there, so I talk to him.
DR.UZI
A kid, working at
a strip club?
DIXIE
No, no, I do volunteer
work at this homeless place. This sweet
nineteen year old preppie kid works there. He's really a doll. I think he's a virgin.
DR.UZI
So why do you
mention him?
DIXIE
Because he's the
only person I can talk to about California.
The funny thing is Carlos thinks I should give him some introductory booty.
DR.UZI
He's encouraging
you to see someone else. Sounds fishy.
DIXIE
Oh, its okay, I
used to be one of the escorts at a service he owned. He's used to me sleeping with other men.
DR.UZI
Okay senorita,
here's the deal. I don't know what to tell
you about this potential boytoy of yours, but you gotta be honest with Carlos.
Maybe not
completely honest, but uh...
DIXIE
You mean not
mentioning to him that I never loved him and that I faked every single orgasm I
ever had with him?
DR.UZI
That's good. Leave
that out. But you might want to play that; I need to find myself card. You're
still in your twenties; you could pull that one off in your sleep. See Dixie, it's not so much what you tell
Carlos as much as it is you let him go so he can ultimately to be with the
right woman. Get it?
DIXIE
Yeah, I guess
you're right. I love him too much to go
on lying. Thanks Dr. Uzi. You really know your shit.
(She leaves a hundred dollar bill on the
desk)
Can I leave by the
back way? I don't want anybody to see
me.
DR.UZI
Sure, but sweetheart,
this is a hundred bucks. I don't have
change yet.
DIXIE
Girl, that's a
tip. Eh, it's a stripper thing. We tip everybody. Thanks again.
Dixie exits. Dr. Uzi stuffs the bill
down her bra and starts scribbling something on her palm pilot.
Enter: A dashing,
well dressed, Latino man.
LATINO MAN
Excuse me, Dr. Uzi
I'm sorry I'm late.
DR.UZI
How could you be
late? Nobody has an appointment.
LATINO MAN
Can I still see
you?
DR.UZI
Well your eyes
look open. Alright, sit down and start
the droning.
LATINO MAN
I have a problem.
DR.UZI
Really? I thought you just cam here to give me money
for no reason.
LATINO MAN
That's funny, but
seriously, I have been living with this nice girl for five years and I want to
leave her.
DR.UZI
What is this; dump
your lover day?
LATINO MAN
Huh?
DR.UZI
Go on.
LATINO MAN
But I'm afraid of
breaking her heart.
DR.UZI
What's your name?
LATINO MAN
Carlos...Carlos
Santana. Yeah, I know, I know.
DR.UZI
What do you do for
a living Carlos?
CARLOS
I own a couple of
gentleman's clubs.
DR.UZI
I see. Look, I'm going out on limb here, but I'm
guessing you've met someone else.
CARLOS
How'd do you know?
DR.UZI
I dated John
Edward for a while. You pick up things.
CARLOS
But Michelle's got
nothing to do with it.
DR.UZI
Of course not.
CARLOS
I'm afraid of
hurting poor little Dixie.
DR.UZI
Did you say Dixie?
CARLOS
Yeah, why?
DR.UZI
Nothing.
CARLOS
Here's the deal.
My accountant says I gotta sell a house I own in Malibu.
I've been putting it off because I hate being in California so much.
DR.UZI
And that's a
problem because...
CARLOS
Dixie
will want to go. All I'll hear about the
whole time I'm there is how we should move to Hollywood.
Better to die in a plane crash.
DR.UZI
(Stopping and pondering for a minute)
Hmmm, I'll bet
that would work. Nah ...
CARLOS
What's going on?
DR.UZI
Okay Carlos, I got
something that will require a little dishonesty and a lot of generosity. You interested?
CARLOS
Deal.
DR.UZI
You ask Dixie to
go to California
to sell the house for you. Then after she's been there a while, you just give
it to her. She'll never come back. Would you do that?
CARLOS
Sure. I may be an
asshole, but even assholes do nice things once in a while. Time would go by, she will get fed up with
being alone and dump me. I'll cry and
shit just to be nice. I mean I do want to be friends with her. Damn!
Dr. Uzi, you are a genius
CARLOS
(Reaching for his wallet)
Can you break a
thousand? Just kidding, keep it.
DR.UZI
Thank you very,
very much Mr. Santana. That is so
generous of you. Seriously, thank
you. Now, get the hell outta my office.
CARLOS
(Laughing)
You're funny.
Carlos exits. Dr. Uzi stares at the thousand-dollar bill
she holds in her hand, then picks up her cell phone and dials a number she sees
on the clipboard.
DR.UZI
Hello? Jimmy? Dr. Uzi here. Listen, I just want to let you know, I owe
you fifty bucks. You should ask that
chick at work out. Why? Let's just say even mean psychotherapists do
nice things once in a while.
The
End
Dr. Elizabeth Uzi's One-Stop Ten Minute Therapy
Sessions to Go Only $29.99 and all contents in the collection titled You
Always Hurt the One You Love is protected by the United States Copyright
office. Any publication, public
performance, duplication or recording is prohibited without the written
permission of the author G.Hipster.
Copyright 2005
MÉNAGE A TROIS [Short Story originally published in Penthouse]
Ménage A
Trois
"Our cocks are no
bigger than white men's cock". I shouted
to the applauding audience of the university's Jr. KKK Fraternity "And I speak
for all black men everywhere, when I say,
THANK YOU! Thank you for this flattering but preposterous
myth. And they say white folks ain't done nothing for us. Ha!"
This
unbelievable line of bullshit yielded me a standing ovation and an session of
signing autographs afterwards. Little
did anyone know, I did the whole lecture strictly on a dare from my pot-head
roommates. But such was the life back in
the glory days of college. Living on a
whim, flirting with danger and occasionally applying my self to the academics
of freshman year. Not that School was an
entirely wasted effort. I came to love
French 101, because it was there that, I learned that the name of my number one
sexual fantasy is called ménage-a -trios, clearly knowledge I co85uld use in
the outside world and have a fucking good time in the process.
By spring break, I was obsessed with
learning that which cannot be taught...in school at least. During our hiatus from academia, I
contemplated the possibilities of a romp with two babes. In the mean time, nocturnal visions of
Vanessa Williams, Jenna Jamison and I kept my dreams alive and my hand very
busy.
I don't recall how I landed my
summer job, but all I can tell you is working the coat check room of Motown's
number one male strip joint was a gig made in heaven. Every night I'd rake in hundreds of dollars
from beautiful, horny women who by the nights end were so hot and bothered they
were desperate for any male contact.
Since all the dancers were gay, inaccessible or both, I became the last
chosen man. A position welcomed.
I collected dozens of phone numbers
and had so many dates I could never spend time with any one chick long enough
to actually get them in bed. But I
didn't care. That it, until I met
Lisa. She was a virtual vision of lust
at first sight.
Lisa was not just beautiful. She was deep.
A regular academic genius. Her
brains alone made my dick hard. On the
night we met she told me I was the only real looking man she met all night and
insisted we have a drink together...at my place.
Lady luck was on my side that now infamous evening because my two roommates were gone for a week.
Several Singapore slings later, we were
climbing all over each other in a heat of bestial passion. Mister happy was bursting threw my Fruit of
the Looms and upon seeing this, Lisa said: see now I gotta fuck you. I'm not buying you a new pair of underwear."
And screw we did. And that's pretty much all we did the next
five months. Our endless and shameless
bouts of eroticism eventually yielded me the power to face man's greatest fear
with the courage of Thor...commitment. I
already knew that the mere idea of monogamy has been known to cause impotence
and insanity, but I didn't care. Because
among my many incentives, was an addiction to Lisa's wide array of
uncontrollable pelvic gyrations.
By Thanksgiving, I was thoroughly
pussy-whipped and we were hopelessly in love.
Despite my happiness, I was suffering from an uncontrollable feeling of
incompleteness. My friends said it was
just something gong around, but I wasn't taking any chances and sought
professional help. An hour after
shelling out a hundred bucks to Detroit's
top psychic, sister Beulah lifted her head from the gaze into a crystal ball
and stared right at my crotch.
"Young man its al clear to Sister Beulah",
she began, you, you is suffering from an incontrollable sense of incompleteness. I damn near slapped her.
Soon it was Christmas time and word
on the street was everybody who is anybody would be coming home this
holiday. And this idled rumored turned
out to be good news for me because this meant the return of Maria, my ex-girlfriend. She left her macrobiotic, lesbian, socialist
commune in Nepal
and came straight to my place. After a
fruitless hour of me trying to talk her into some mercy-booty for all times
sake, we settled in to talk.
"Ya know, for as long as I can remember
you always wanted to try one thing, but still haven't done it." she began,
"come on, it can't be that hard to get two women in bed at once. You must feel so, so, incomplete."
"I sure as hell do." I confessed.
"Well I wouldn't wait too long sweetie, I
mean you could drop dead at any moment.
Do you know black men have the lowest life expectancy of anyone in America?."
Of course, I knew that. What brother doesn't know that? But here's something about any white person
speaking in terms of life expectancy that makes me very nervous. Nevertheless I took a chance an indulge a
whim.
"let's say I find a woman who was
...willing...would you be interested in..."
"Me?
Sure, if I like the girl." she replied with a wink of: set it up.
After a week of not-so innocent
scheming, I slowly introduced the idea to Lisa, I realized she could be
talked into it...with a whole lot of luck.
All I needed was getting the girls to meet and be comfortable with each
other. This feat turned out to be easier
than even thinking about it. After
meeting Lisa and Maria developed a quick friendship, Maria joined us in many
nights of partying. Then they went
shopping together. A time-honored stamp
of official girlfriendhood.
"She's a very sexy girl." Maria said to me one day. "We were at Victoria's Secret and she looked so hot in
this bikini I went and bought it for her.
The thought of these two beautifies trying on swimwear had me in a
desperate effort for composure.
"I'm just glad you guys get
along." I managed. Whew!
That night I pried Lisa with a bong
full of Humboldt County Heaven and repeated glasses of Châteaunuef du
Pape. I then shifted the conversation to
sex.
"My heart just bleeds for people who
are sexually hung up." I said carefully.
"Me too." she added.
"But I guess everybody is hung up
about something."
"Not this girl." she shot back,
apart from animals, children, and blood, there's nothing I wouldn't do with
you." she said with a smile. "I mean
what's wrong with a little healthy pervasion among consenting adults anyway?"
nothing I could think of. And if there
was, I sure didn't want to know what it was.
"But what about...ya know, sexual
fantasies?" I asked attempting to segway
the conversation.
"What about them?"
"Surly you must have a few."
"Of course, doesn't everybody/"
"Okay, okay, share!"
"Well, there is one thing I've always
fantasized about but never did."
"And what is it?' I asked now a tad nervous because she was
visibly embarrassed.
"I can't... you'll think I'm sick!"
"Impossible" I said", there's not one sick
thing that could even enter your head."
She took a deep breath, lit a cigarette, gulped an entire glass of wine,
and blurted out these words...
"I've always wanted to try waterspouts."
" What?
Water sports? My innocent little
Lisa into golden showers. Now that
really is sick. I was logically, at a
loss for words. I just stared on
stupidly until she shook me.
"See I knew you'd react this way."
"No, no, its cool, it's cool", I
lied for lack of any better idea. Then I
proceeded to sick my foot yet further in my
big mouth by telling her I'd be happy to do that with her.
"You wouldn't just say that would
you?"
"Of course not. Tell me about it" I said bracing myself for
tales of erotic peeing. And Lisa went
into precise detail right away.
"Many a night I lay awake in bed
imagining Gator aide being poured over my tits.
Diet Pepsi running out of my navel and fresh squeezed mango juice oozing
from my pussy hairs."
"let's do it all." I said more out
of relief than desire. So this is her
idea of water sports? And you think you now a person.
ten minutes later e were at Wufang's
all night deli filling a shopping cart with an endless array of popular soft
drinks and organic juices. Ten minutes after arriving at home, Lisa's
body was swimming in a wide array of beverages.
She was in aquatic erotic heaven, and I was confused, but happy. I seized the moments of her erotic ease and
decided to strike with my idea.
"Sweetheart, do you happen to know
what the term ménage a trios means?"
"No, I was born a half hour
ago. Of course I do. Isn't that everyman's fantasy?"
"Okay, so it's not that creative."
"I'll give ya that baby," she
said. "But tell me; am I one of the two
chicks you fantasize about?"
"Why no, I mean yes, I mean I would
never dream of asking you to..."
"And why not?" she said with a kind
of scary anger, "I may not be a lesbian or even bisexual but don't sell me
cheap".
I couldn't believe it. I asked my brain if my ears were just fucking
with me. Lisa grabbed a half gallon of
carrot nectar I was holding and poured it all over her naked body.
"I'll bet you like to see some
redhead lick this off me wouldn't you?"
Checkmate! That night as we laid in bed I wondered, was
it this easy for white men? And if not,
life truly is not fare.
Within a weeks time I had introduced
them and felt confident the wheels of potential a three-way lust fest were
adequately in motion. One night after
dinner at Balthazar, I persuaded the tow girls to go for a walk. I purposefully lead us over to Hudson Street and
we were suddenly sanding right in front of Henrietta Hudson, a known lesbian
hangout.
Inside, the place was packed with
some of the best-looking women I'd ever seen.
But I really was more concerned with keeping Lisa and Maria's glasses
full. They spent the time pointing out
one beautiful chick after another to each other. I was thinking, the lords of karma are truly
on my side so far. I decided to shrike.
"Look, girls, its getting late, and
we have to drive Maria all the way back to Canada." I said to their minor disappointment. But we left.
In the car, conversation took a turn for the unexpected.
"I really got turned on looking at
all those chicks." Maria said.
"Me too," Lisa whispered, giving me
a look.
"I just wish they were naked, that's
all."
"Yeah."
"Pardon me, but if you all really
want to look at naked chicks why don't we just rent a movie. I said like an idiot. Surly my plans were becoming obvious. But,
"Oh baby that would be a great
idea." Lisa said with a triumphant
smile.
"I finally got a DVD player so... you
know our guys can even stay over if you want."
Maria said looking directly at Lisa.
We made a stop at Stains xxx video
warehouse and left with where he Boys aren't 2, 7, 8, 12, 13 and a copy of Kobe loves Jenna. As we breezed down I-75 towards the border,
Maria fascinated Lisa with erotic stories of things that happened in her
lesbian commune and it clearly turned her on.
So we cruised along. I had a song
in my heart and rocket in my pocket. I
hadn't a care in the world. That is,
until the Michigan
State Police car pulled up beside me.
The officers peered inside my red Bug and it suddenly occurred to me
that I was committing an a-101 offense: driving with two drunken white girls in
the car. A damn good excuse for breaking
into the cold sweat I had broken into.
Wait a mine I thought. I wasn't
doing anything wrong. What an I so
nervous for? I looked down at the
speedometer, then over at the girls who were not laughing and waving at the two
cops. The flashing lights come on and
they ell me too pull over.
After stopping, I exited the car
holding up my license, registration, and proof of insurance. They took it but were more interested in the
girls who sat motionless and repressing a giggles.
"What did I do officer?" I asked nervously. "I'll bet I was driving too slowly. Yeah, I do that on snowy days. Ya know the car is so small and all..." I babbled on but hey were evidently annoyed
as they circled the car looking it over.
Finally the uglier one spotted something that put a slight grin on his
face and whipped out his citation book.
"See that?" he said, pointing to my
cracked side view mirror, do you have any idea how many accidents a thing like
that causes a year?"
"Oh my gosh officer," I said going
into a grateful-nigga routine. "How can
I thank you for pointing that out to me?"
"My getting it fixed so I don't have
to come and arrest you...boy."
Boy?
What are we in the south now?
What ever, the most important thing is, he let us go.
We hit the road again with the mood
of earlier destroyed. Judging by the
looks on the girls faces, I knew there would be no French lessons tonight. Then I did a double take of Maria. She was frozen with terror. Lisa noticed it and took her hand.
"What's the matter with you
girl? You look like that bitch from
night of the living dead.
"You sue do." I added like a senselessness.
"For your
information oh sensitive one," she said looking at me. She then pulled a gigantic cigar sized joint
from her brassier. "I totally forgot I
was carrying this." Lisa reached in the back
seat and took Maria's hand.
"You poor thing,
you must have been freaked out of your mind."
"Man I was. I was so frightened I came right in my
panties."
"What?" I shouted nearly running off the road. " We were together four years and I never
knew you had organisms when you got scared"
"It didn't start happening until
after we broke up."
"It must be great." Lisa said.
To be honest, I do enjoy it most of
the time."
"Well now that it's all over just
toss that thing out the window and we can..."
"No way man." she shot back lighting
up the refer. "If I don't smoke this
baby I'll start climbing the walls."
"Yeah what's the big deal
honey?" Lisa ask me.
"The deal is, we're about to enter a
foreign country with a car reeking of marijuana."
"Here, I'll roll down the window."
she and Maria passed the joint back and worth and finished it just three blocks
before we entered the Windsor / Detroit tunnel. Now they were completely baked and having a
mutual hysterics fest. They were
laughing over tales of graphic sex and I was frantically spaying the interior
of the car with three different kinds of air cleaners.
I drove up to the tollbooth, dropped
in some cash and headed into the tunnel shaking like the national debt. Maria and Lisa were busy a round of
sing-along and bad jokes. We exited and
drove up to the Canadian customs window.
I fought to look the agent in the eye, but his eye was on Maria's barley
covered legs.
"Why are you coming to Canada?"
he asked condescendingly.
"Coming?...coming to Canada?" Lisa laughed.
"It's a verb Lisa. To come."
Maria snorted out.
The guy ask the question again.
"Well if you must know, we are
coming to Canada
to buy some warn cloths for my dog." Maria blurted out causing them to crack up
even harder.
"I'll tell ya what, you just pull
right over there and the nice man with the gun will tell you were you can buy
some nice warm cloths for your doggie."
A half hour later my poor beetle was
completely stripped and I was put threw a round of twenty thousand dumb-ass
questions. The girls were in the corner
being flirtatiously interrogated,
giggling and smoking with the boys on duty.
I, in the mean time was taken into a little room and stripped
searched. When I asked what he was
looking for up my ass hole he said: "you might be a terrorist". I may not know a lot about suicide bombers,
but I've never yet heard of one hiding explosives up there.
By the time I was dressed and
released, the girls were long gone. They
left a note with Maria's
Address: join us, if you ever get out of
there.
But I didn't go. I thought it better that I go digging threw
garbage cans in search of my dignity.
The two did make love that
night. And many nights after that. Not long after that, they moved to Santa Fe and I never heard
from them again.
The End
Ménage A Trois and all contents in the collection
titled You Always Hurt the One You Love is protected by the United States
Copyright office. Any publication,
public performance, duplication or recording is prohibited without the written
permission of the author G. Hipster.
Copyright 2009