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Dr. Elizabeth Uzi's One-Stop
Ten Minute Therapy Sessions to Go Only $29.99
A Play in One Act
Overture: "Don't You Worry About A Thing" by
Stevie Wonder
The curtain rises slowly revealing the
reception area of a modern therapist's office.
It is sparely decorated, the walls are stark white and the waiting room
is completely occupied. Tormented and terrified people are seated in chairs; totally
oblivious to each other. A sign hangs at
the entrance: Dr. Elizabeth Uzi's One-Stop Ten Minute Therapy Sessions to Go -
$29.99.
Entering the office is Jimi, a twenty five
year old preppie-looking young man. He
seems to be confused and approaches a woman in her mid-forties who is trying
too hard to dress like her teenage daughter. She is reading The Weekly World
newspaper. The music fades.
JIMI
Excuse me, is
there a receptionist here?
WOMAN
Not anymore. She
killed herself.
JIMI
Oh my god!
WOMAN
Yep. Just two days
ago. Priscilla was her name. Only 19 years old. Pretty young thing. She was sitting in the
very chair you're sitting in right now. Reached in her purse, pulled out a .357
Magnum put it to her temple and BAM, blew her brains out all over the floor.
Dr. Uzi was really upset about it too.
JIMI
I can imagine.
WOMAN
I'm telling ya, it
was a terrible situation. It took poor Julio
three hours to scrub the bloodstains out of the carpet.
JIMI
Do you mind if I
ask you something?
WOMAN
You already did ask
me something.
Several patients are seen and heard
sniffling and sobbing in the background.
The woman is highly annoyed and turns to them.
WOMAN
What the hell is
this? Stop your goddamn whining right
now. You all know the rules about crying
in here. So shut the fuck up!
JIMI
She forbids
crying? What kind of therapist bans crying in her office?
WOMAN
A smart one. And I don't blame her either. It takes up too much time in a session and
all that sobbing and weeping only upsets the other basket cases already here.
JIMI
So she's good
huh? Cause I was a little nervous. You know she has a reputation for being kind
of mean.
WOMAN
Listen little boy,
if you can't handle the truth, you might as well march your ass out of here
right now. Dr. Uzi keeps it real. Painfully real.
JIMI
So she helped you?
WOMAN
Are you shittin
me? Dr. Uzi saved my marriage.
JIMI
In ten minutes?
WOMAN
Let me ask you
something? What does my screwed up
childhood and dysfunctional family have to do with the fact that my husband is screwing
his secretary?
JIMI
Well I don't know,
perhaps unconscious childhood examples where established, therefore...
WOMAN
Bullshit!
JIMI
Well how did she
solve your problem?
WOMAN
She told me I
should bust a cap in his ass.
JIMI
You shot him?
WOMAN
Hell yeah! I did eighteen months upstate, but it saved
my marriage. We have kids and shit.
Enter Dr. Uzi. She is a serious and attractive woman in her
mid-thirties who looks more like a fashion model than a therapist. She sports a black double breasted pin-striped
Ann Taylor suit, a low cut Norma Kamali blouse and a glass-bead necklace ala;
Me and Ro. She grabs a clipboard off the wall and breezes past the patients
without so much as a glance in their direction. She is about to enter her
office, stops, turns around and re-enters the waiting room.
DR.UZI
What is that I
hear? Is somebody in her sniffling? Huh?
Who's crying?
A MAN
(Timidly, raising his hand)
It' me Dr. Uzi,
but I have a cold. I'm not crying. I promise.
DR.UZI
Oh, I see. But you
have a cold? And you thought you could
just waltz right on in here and spread your filthy germs around to all these other losers so they can get
sick and sue me.
A MAN
You see, I didn't
think...
DR.UZI
That's right, you
didn't think. And you know what? Keep
your damn money and get the hell out of my office.
The man, now in tears, stands up and
sheepishly exits. Dr. Uzi saunters in to
her office which looks like it has been worked over by a drunken Ralph Lauren.
Hanging on the wall are three large framed paintings by John Singer Sargent of
Carl Jung, Sigmund Freud and Dr. Phil.
She plops down in her oversized Kittinger® office chair, puts her freshly pedicured feet
up on the Victorian antique desk, pours
herself a double shot of Glenfiddich® 80 year old scotch, lights a Nat Sherman® cigarette,
and kicks off her Kate Spade stilettos while she glances at her hand-made
marble clipboard.
DR.UZI
Let's get the last
one to come in here out of the way first.
That should piss everybody off. (Shouting) James H., bring your sorry ass in here.
Jimi creeps in and takes a seat. He looks terrified.
DR.UZI
What‘s your full
name shaky?
JIMI
Jimi. Jimi Hendrix.
DR.UZI
Get the hell outta
my office!
JIMI
NO! Wait, my
parents were hippies, okay? Dr. Uzi I have a serious problem here, but it's
hard to explain.
DR.UZI
Take your time, I
get paid either way.
JIMI
Okay you see
there's this girl at work that I like. I
want to ask her out, but I'm afraid of her.
DR.UZI
Afraid? Why?
Does she carry a gun?
JIMI
How's that?
DR.UZI
You said you were
afraid of her. I figured she must carry
some kind of weapon to frighten you.
JIMI
No, no, no, she‘s
not that kind of girl.
DR.UZI
Oh come on, you
don't know what kind of girl she is; you're too spineless to ask her out.
JIMI
What if she turns
me down?
DR.UZI
Then fuck
her! There are plenty of chicks out
there.
JIMI
Golly, you sound
like a man talking.
DR.UZI
No, men sound like
me talking.
JIMI
So you think I
should ask her out?
DR.UZI
How the hell else
are you gonna find out if she's the genuine article or a complete nut-case?
JIMI
Oh I'm sure she's
completely sane. She's a nice, straight,
church-going gal. We work at a
non-profit organization that gives food to the homeless.
DR.UZI
How spiritually
correct of you. All I'm saying is,
you'll never know if she's a freak or not unless you ask her out.
JIMI
I suppose you're
right.
DR.UZI
I mean she could
be into some really wild and kinky stuff.
And as Martha would say, that would be a good thing!
JIMI
I highly doubt it.
DR.UZI
Don't be so quick
to judge a pretty book by its innocent cover. Okay, what if you ask her out and
she says yes?
JIMI
Wow! That would be great!
DR.UZI
So you two go out,
have a good time and then she says she wants to go back to your place?
JIMI
Jesus, I'd be
really happy.
DR.UZI
So you get back to
your house and she strips off all her cloths and says, Come here Jimi and show me why I was born a woman and not a vacuum
cleaner.
JIMI
Well I think you
know what I would do.
DR.UZI
Then she tells you
to tie her up, spank her ass and call her a dirty little slut.
JIMI
Dr. Uzi!
DR.UZI
And good for her
if she is a sex maniac.
JIMI
I'm telling you she's
not that kind of girl.
DR.UZI
Fifty bucks says
she's a Ho.
JIMI
Oh, you're
probably right. Nothing works out for me here. I've had nothing but bad luck
with women in Manhattan.
I should have never left California. I hate New
York.
DR.UZI
And New York hates you back. Oh, come on Jimi, be a man; ask her out and
prove me wrong. You have nothing to
loose and you could wind up with fifty bucks.
JIMI
Look, I know
you're right but I don't see any point in walking head first into
rejection. But if I do, this will be the
last New York
chick I'll ever ask out.
DR.UZI
What-ever! Just gimmie my money and get
the hell out of my office.
JIMI
Thanks a lot Dr.
Uzi.
He stands, drops a check on his desk and
exits. Dr. Uzi glances at the clipboard again and calls her next patient.
DR.UZI
Dixie Hunter, you
still here?
No one responds. An elderly man is sitting next to a tall thin
blonde in dark shades. He nudges
her. The woman wakes up and stands.
DIXIE
Oh, is it my turn?
(She saunters into the office, removes
sunglasses, and sits on the windowsill)
Sorry Dr. Uzi, I fell asleep.
DR.UZI
Eh, you didn't
miss anything.
DIXIE
Mind if I bum a
smoke?
DR.UZI
(Tossing a box of cigarettes across the room,
which Dixie catches)
So what's eating
la femme?
DIXIE
It's a stupid
chick problem and frankly, I'm embarrassed to even talk about it.
DR.UZI
Humiliation builds
character or something like that. What
line of work are you in sweetie?
DIXIE
I'm a stripper. Usually
people don't have to ask. Anyway, I've been living with this guy for five years
and I want to leave him.
DR.UZI
Why? You don't love him anymore?
DIXIE
I never loved
him. But he's just so damn good to me.
DR.UZI
So he's loaded.
DIXIE
Dr. Uzi, I used to
be totally messed up. I had no
self-esteem, skinny as a rail, promiscuous and stupid. See, Carlos really helped me learn to love
myself. He's from California
and got me into yoga and meditation and even paid for my boob job. Carlos is a
down-to-earth guy even though he owns a couple dozen strip clubs. But that's
how I got started in the business.
DR.UZI
Does he love you?
DIXIE
Oh my god, he's
nuts about me. The man treats me like a queen. Of course, I do give
him some damn good booty. But ya know, I
am a professional. Dr. Uzi, It would
break his poor heart to pieces if I left him.
DR.UZI
Let me get this
straight. You got a guy that's loaded, loves you to death, treats you good, you
have great sex with and you want to leave him.
Man, you really are a white chick.
DIXIE
See, I love Carlos,
but I'm not in love with him. He's
sweet and all, but he bores me so much I want to murder him.
DR.UZI
So you think it's
better to stay with him and deceive him in the worst possible way.
DIXIE
I never thought of
it that way.
DR.UZI
Look Dixie, I hate being dead serious, but here we go. Carlos is a decent guy who deserves a girl
that loves all the things about him you find so unexciting.
DIXIE
But there's
another problem that's kinda connected to it.
You see, I don't want strip any more.
DR.UZI
Are you nuts
girlfriend? You make twice as much as I do
and I have a PhD.
DIXIE
Yeah I know. And I
feel terrible about that all the time, except when they're stuffing fifty
dollar bills in my G-string. But here's
the thing, I got a job offer to manage a titty bar in Santa Monica.
DR.UZI
And that means
leaving Carlos. I don't know, this sounds more like a solution than a problem
to me.
DIXIE
Carlos hates California and he's from Santa Monica.
He hates even talking about it. But thank heavens for this kid at work
who is always noising about going back there, so I talk to him.
DR.UZI
A kid, working at
a strip club?
DIXIE
No, no, I do volunteer
work at this homeless place. This sweet
nineteen year old preppie kid works there. He's really a doll. I think he's a virgin.
DR.UZI
So why do you
mention him?
DIXIE
Because he's the
only person I can talk to about California.
The funny thing is Carlos thinks I should give him some introductory booty.
DR.UZI
He's encouraging
you to see someone else. Sounds fishy.
DIXIE
Oh, its okay, I
used to be one of the escorts at a service he owned. He's used to me sleeping with other men.
DR.UZI
Okay senorita,
here's the deal. I don't know what to tell
you about this potential boytoy of yours, but you gotta be honest with Carlos.
Maybe not
completely honest, but uh...
DIXIE
You mean not
mentioning to him that I never loved him and that I faked every single orgasm I
ever had with him?
DR.UZI
That's good. Leave
that out. But you might want to play that; I need to find myself card. You're
still in your twenties; you could pull that one off in your sleep. See Dixie, it's not so much what you tell
Carlos as much as it is you let him go so he can ultimately to be with the
right woman. Get it?
DIXIE
Yeah, I guess
you're right. I love him too much to go
on lying. Thanks Dr. Uzi. You really know your shit.
(She leaves a hundred dollar bill on the
desk)
Can I leave by the
back way? I don't want anybody to see
me.
DR.UZI
Sure, but sweetheart,
this is a hundred bucks. I don't have
change yet.
DIXIE
Girl, that's a
tip. Eh, it's a stripper thing. We tip everybody. Thanks again.
Dixie exits. Dr. Uzi stuffs the bill
down her bra and starts scribbling something on her palm pilot.
Enter: A dashing,
well dressed, Latino man.
LATINO MAN
Excuse me, Dr. Uzi
I'm sorry I'm late.
DR.UZI
How could you be
late? Nobody has an appointment.
LATINO MAN
Can I still see
you?
DR.UZI
Well your eyes
look open. Alright, sit down and start
the droning.
LATINO MAN
I have a problem.
DR.UZI
Really? I thought you just cam here to give me money
for no reason.
LATINO MAN
That's funny, but
seriously, I have been living with this nice girl for five years and I want to
leave her.
DR.UZI
What is this; dump
your lover day?
LATINO MAN
Huh?
DR.UZI
Go on.
LATINO MAN
But I'm afraid of
breaking her heart.
DR.UZI
What's your name?
LATINO MAN
Carlos...Carlos
Santana. Yeah, I know, I know.
DR.UZI
What do you do for
a living Carlos?
CARLOS
I own a couple of
gentleman's clubs.
DR.UZI
I see. Look, I'm going out on limb here, but I'm
guessing you've met someone else.
CARLOS
How'd do you know?
DR.UZI
I dated John
Edward for a while. You pick up things.
CARLOS
But Michelle's got
nothing to do with it.
DR.UZI
Of course not.
CARLOS
I'm afraid of
hurting poor little Dixie.
DR.UZI
Did you say Dixie?
CARLOS
Yeah, why?
DR.UZI
Nothing.
CARLOS
Here's the deal.
My accountant says I gotta sell a house I own in Malibu.
I've been putting it off because I hate being in California so much.
DR.UZI
And that's a
problem because...
CARLOS
Dixie
will want to go. All I'll hear about the
whole time I'm there is how we should move to Hollywood.
Better to die in a plane crash.
DR.UZI
(Stopping and pondering for a minute)
Hmmm, I'll bet
that would work. Nah ...
CARLOS
What's going on?
DR.UZI
Okay Carlos, I got
something that will require a little dishonesty and a lot of generosity. You interested?
CARLOS
Deal.
DR.UZI
You ask Dixie to
go to California
to sell the house for you. Then after she's been there a while, you just give
it to her. She'll never come back. Would you do that?
CARLOS
Sure. I may be an
asshole, but even assholes do nice things once in a while. Time would go by, she will get fed up with
being alone and dump me. I'll cry and
shit just to be nice. I mean I do want to be friends with her. Damn!
Dr. Uzi, you are a genius
CARLOS
(Reaching for his wallet)
Can you break a
thousand? Just kidding, keep it.
DR.UZI
Thank you very,
very much Mr. Santana. That is so
generous of you. Seriously, thank
you. Now, get the hell outta my office.
CARLOS
(Laughing)
You're funny.
Carlos exits. Dr. Uzi stares at the thousand-dollar bill
she holds in her hand, then picks up her cell phone and dials a number she sees
on the clipboard.
DR.UZI
Hello? Jimmy? Dr. Uzi here. Listen, I just want to let you know, I owe
you fifty bucks. You should ask that
chick at work out. Why? Let's just say even mean psychotherapists do
nice things once in a while.
The
End
Dr. Elizabeth Uzi's One-Stop Ten Minute Therapy
Sessions to Go Only $29.99 and all contents in the collection titled You
Always Hurt the One You Love is protected by the United States Copyright
office. Any publication, public
performance, duplication or recording is prohibited without the written
permission of the author G.Hipster.
Copyright 2005
This is am
uncorrected proof.
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