I was a closet homo in profound self-denial for years and married to an attractive woman at the time. The result was a frequent failure to perform. Certainly my sexual self-image has been deeply affected by my many bouts of impotence in the sack, not only with my wife but with other women and girls dating back to my teen years.
When I was 15, one of my first girlfriends (whom I'll call Wendy here) was a voluptuous 15-year-old blonde I met at church. To my surprise, she turned out to be sexually experienced already, having given blowjobs to her previous boyfriend. She wanted to do the same for me, and I thought I wanted that, too. But I hate to think how often I sat on the couch in Wendy's living room that summer while she gamely sucked away on my little flaccid dick. I got a modest hard-on once in a while, but it wouldn't last long, and I sensed that there was no chance I could ejaculate in her mouth like she wanted.
I remember her stripping for me in the bathhouse of a private pool and laying down on an inflated raft, her legs spread, her huge tits sagging towards her armpits. These were the first tits I'd seen in real life, and I knew I was supposed to be incredibly turned on. And there was her pussy, too, spread open and glistening wet. I knew what I was supposed to do and tried my best, laying on top of her and trying to stuff two inches of soft weenie into her hole. It wouldn't stay in though, and after a while we gave up on it.
We tried again later, once on the couch in her rec room and once on her parents' bed. I had even purchased condoms through the mail--an act of considerable optimism since you need to be hard to get them all the way on. On both occasions I suffered the same fate: no erection. Both times I tried stuffing my little guy in there and humping furiously, hoping the stupid thing would get the idea. That last attempt ended when she got giggly, and to my shame, her laugh was enough to expel my useless little dick. She was soon flirting with other guys at church, and by Christmas we had broken up.
As frustrating and embarrassing as those experiences were, in a way the worst was yet to come. My next girlfriend was "Karen," another girl in my church group, sweet but rather homely and heavy-set. She believed in saving herself for marriage, so her pussy was entirely off limits to me. I never even saw it. She did let me suck her tits, however, and she even indulged my request to lick her ass crack, which I loved. I can still recall the pungent flavor of Karen's huge ass.
As we drew closer emotionally, we talked frankly about our sexual feelings, and I admitted to her that I'd tried to have sex with Wendy but it "didn't work out." That's when she told me that she knew all about it. Wendy had told her at the time that I couldn't get hard enough for sex. I was speechless. And they weren't even friends in particular! It turned out that Wendy had told all the girls in my church group. So of course all the guys knew as well.
Over thirty years later I can still recall the abject shame of that moment. Karen was very sympathetic. She had even hesitated to tell me that my entire circle of friends knew I was impotent, but when I had brought up the subject of Wendy, she felt that I should know. She agreed that it was rotten of Wendy to tell everybody something so personal and so embarrassing. She insisted that she liked my penis as it was, that big ones she'd seen in pictures looked kind of scary to her. Plus, since she wanted to avoid having sex anyway, my inability to perform was a good thing.
I guess that was supposed to make me feel better. It didn't.
Crossdressing may be more associated with straight men than gay ones. I'm not sure if that's true, nor am I sure why it might be, but maybe it's because crossdressing necessarily revolves around women and notions of womanhood, and straights think about the ladies more than gays do.
For me, crossdressing appeals to my soft, submissive, feminine side. As a gay bottom, I like the idea of serving as a female for an aggressive man. As a man who has been in a long term relationship with a dominant woman, I enjoy the humiliation angle as well. I posted photos of myself in ladies' attire on this site in the shameful hope that women and straight men might see them and laugh. I didn't really think of those pics as something that other gay men would find particularly attractive, though I for one like to see photos of men in drag, especially if they're actually pretty.
I haven't indulged in crossdressing as completely and obsessively as many guys. In fact, I own only a few items, though I continue to add to my collection. These are my favorite items from a lady's wardrobe:
THIGH-HIGHS -- Nylons are lovely. I currently have thigh-highs in white and in black. Nothing makes me feel more feminine than stockings. I shaved my legs only once, years ago. It did make my legs look nicer in hose, but I hated the clamminess of my legs in bed, not to mention the hassle of shaving. Fortunately my legs aren't too hairy, and sometimes I do shave the upper parts of my thighs for a prettier look.
PANTIES -- These are fun, and the silkier, lacier and girlier the better. It's a little frustrating that even my penis isn't quite small enough to fit in a lot of the panties out there, and I've considered investing in some "manties" that would fit better. Sometimes, if the style of the panties is right, I wear them backwards to provide more support. I even justify it in my mind by reminding myself that the narrow side of panties is designed to cover the pussy, and my pussy happens to be in back!
MINISKIRTS -- I can't take my eyes off women in miniskirts. I love those a pair of long, shapely legs. (Too bad there's nothing of interest at the top of them!) I wish I could wear a miniskirt on a regular basis for the same reason that women wear them: they're sexy, provocative, and they provide men with easy access to our goodies. I like to imagine wearing heels, thigh highs, a silky pink jockstrap, and a miniskirt to work. Of course I'd have to keep my manhole nice and lubed. That way my boss could more conveniently step up behind me, unzip his pants, lift up my skirt and pork me to his heart's content.
LINGERIE -- Sometimes I think I'd like to just buy out the entire lingerie section of a Frederick's of Hollywood or Victoria's Secret catalog. women are so lucky to have such pretty, soft things to wear! My favorite kind of lingerie to wear is a see-thru babydoll. It's so feminine and frilly. All I need is a babydoll and a man's dick up my ass to feel like a Total Woman.
Women are gorgeous. The fact that I'm a inveterate girlwatcher kept me from completely accepting my homosexuality for many years. How could I be gay when I was so attracted to women? I never really scoped out hot guys, but I would practically wreck the car when I'd spy some pretty girl in a short skirt walking down the street. It made no sense to me. I MUST be straight, I'd think to myself. Gay guys aren't turned on by girls.
Eventually, with the counsel of other gay men at a chat site, I realized that lots of gays think girls are attractive. For one thing, women have been bred for their beauty, certainly more than men have, and they dress far more provocatively than men do. But that doesn't mean that we necessarily want to have sex with them. I sure don't. Believe me, I've tried it lots of times, and it's just no good.
One part of the female anatomy that I adore is their legs. I've always been a "leg man" when it comes to girlwatching. I love to see a lady in a short, short skirt, only I prefer that she keeps the skirt on. It's when a woman's clothing comes off that there's a problem. Mainly, the vagina. Now, I love women and have enormous respect for them. In some ways I almost wish I were a woman. But I think the vagina is just a little gross. It gives me the willies. Just as a penis is the sexiest thing on earth, the vagina must rank among the least sexy. I can't bear to look at porn where a woman spreads her legs and exposes her open pussy. It's really horrible and a complete turn-off.
Breasts, too. I don't quite get their appeal. Some are quite pretty, but most aren't, I've found. The bigger they are, the less attractive they seem to me. And they don't age well at all. Flabby, pendulous tits are frankly disgusting.
Women sometimes have very nice bottoms, I'll admit, and licking the crack of a woman's ass has long been a guilty pleasure of mine. But men as a rule have cuter butts, and of course I much prefer licking a man's ass, especially a very hairy one!
A blog? Me? Why not? I posted pictures of myself in these galleries to expose myself--frankly, to humiliate myself--before the world. Or at least the worldwide webworld.
And with a blog, I can go even further than uploaded images. I can use this to openly and publicly explore how a seemingly normal married guy went from straight-acting heterosexual to hopelessly gay sissy over the course of twenty difficult years.
Is there anything to learn here? Perhaps, but only for me, I'm afraid. "Know thyself," the sages of ancient Greece advised. My goodness. Two simple words to describe such a long, perplexing odyssey.
Let me state first off that I am gay. It's taken me many years to accept that fact--and to be happy about it. But, increasingly, I am happy about it. I've finally accepted that while I find women to be quite beautiful and very sexy, I don't want to have sex with them. Sex, to me, is all about bringing pleasure to another man's penis.
I adore the penis--my own rather small one included. I think an hard cock is the absolute sexiest thing on earth. I adore sucking on a man's penis and tasting his semen. God help me, but I think about men's dicks practically all the time.
When I'm not thinking about cock, I'm probably thinking about other parts of the male anatomy--a muscular chest or a big hairy belly, beautiful tender balls, gorgeous buttocks, delightfully furry or smooth as a girl's. I think of a man's hands, touching me greedily, lustfully. I think of a man's mouth, kissing him, tasting his tongue. Getting him so hot that he turns me around, spreads my butt cheeks, and shoves his penis into my anus, desperately pumping his hot seed into my body.
I am, I confess, a bottom all the way. I feel an irrepressible need to submit to a dominant man and receive his dick inside me. I'm envious of the sensitivity that a woman's pussy must have, but that doesn't stop me from thinking of my ass as my very own pussy and seeking men to use it that way.
More on that later. More on all of this later. I'd like to write about specific encounters I've had, both good and bad, some intensely satisfying and others--specifically with some disappointed ladies--deeply humiliating. I hope some gay men may read this blog and wish they could have sex with me. I hope some straight men read this and regard me as a pathetic fag, a loser, a panties-wearing sissy--and maybe think about using me as a woman for their manly pleasure. And female readers? I chiefly long for their mockery and contempt--and maybe for a chance to wear their clothes and, if I'm lucky, service their boyfriends!
