I was a closet homo in profound self-denial for years and married to an attractive woman at the time.  The result was a frequent failure to perform.  Certainly my sexual self-image has been deeply affected by my many bouts of impotence in the sack, not only with my wife but with other women and girls dating back to my teen years.

When I was 15, one of my first girlfriends (whom I'll call Wendy here) was a voluptuous 15-year-old blonde I met at church.  To my surprise, she turned out to be sexually experienced already, having given blowjobs to her previous boyfriend.  She wanted to do the same for me, and I thought I wanted that, too.  But I hate to think how often I sat on the couch in Wendy's living room that summer while she gamely sucked away on my little flaccid dick.  I got a modest hard-on once in a while, but it wouldn't last long, and I sensed that there was no chance I could ejaculate in her mouth like she wanted. 

I remember her stripping for me in the bathhouse of a private pool and laying down on an inflated raft, her legs spread, her huge tits sagging towards her armpits.  These were the first tits I'd seen in real life, and I knew I was supposed to be incredibly turned on.  And there was her pussy, too, spread open and glistening wet.  I knew what I was supposed to do and tried my best, laying on top of her and trying to stuff two inches of soft weenie into her hole.  It wouldn't stay in though, and after a while we gave up on it. 

We tried again later, once on the couch in her rec room and once on her parents' bed.  I had even purchased condoms through the mail--an act of considerable optimism since you need to be hard to get them all the way on.  On both occasions I suffered the same fate:  no erection.  Both times I tried stuffing my little guy in there and humping furiously, hoping the stupid thing would get the idea.  That last attempt ended when she got giggly, and to my shame, her laugh was enough to expel my useless little dick.  She was soon flirting with other guys at church, and by Christmas we had broken up.

As frustrating and embarrassing as those experiences were, in a way the worst was yet to come.  My next girlfriend was "Karen," another girl in my church group, sweet but rather homely and heavy-set.  She believed in saving herself for marriage, so her pussy was entirely off limits to me.  I never even saw it.  She did let me suck her tits, however, and she even indulged my request to lick her ass crack, which I loved.  I can still recall the pungent flavor of Karen's huge ass. 

As we drew closer emotionally, we talked frankly about our sexual feelings, and I admitted to her that I'd tried to have sex with Wendy but it "didn't work out."  That's when she told me that she knew all about it.  Wendy had told her at the time that I couldn't get hard enough for sex.  I was speechless.  And they weren't even friends in particular!  It turned out that Wendy had told all the girls in my church group. So of course all the guys knew as well. 

Over thirty years later I can still recall the abject shame of that moment.  Karen was very sympathetic.  She had even hesitated to tell me that my entire circle of friends knew I was impotent, but when I had brought up the subject of Wendy, she felt that I should know.  She agreed that it was rotten of Wendy to tell everybody something so personal and so embarrassing.  She insisted that she liked my penis as it was, that big ones she'd seen in pictures looked kind of scary to her.  Plus, since she wanted to avoid having sex anyway, my inability to perform was a good thing. 

I guess that was supposed to make me feel better.  It didn't.