Productive but busy day, constant.
I do mitigate my interaction with my mother but I have noticed my mind is a little under tension just like when I had no choice but to live with her....whenever I tend not to look at her messages, she appears on the front door camera. She says she wants me to keep it on my phone as it gives her a sense of security but I also know she uses it to push herself visually into my life, especially when I withdraw from her, and does it at night when I have told her not to go out because it's not safe too.... It was same pattern in living with her, she would follow me into my room as I leave to escape or get some space but she'd follow, continue to shout and take that space away, force her way. I could delete that camera, I dont have to help thursday etc but she is my mother and I live by integrity, honour, respect. I could take the easy path and just leave etc but I work hard to find a balance and protect my mental health and achieve constructive outcomes. That is who I am. And that is who I'll be. Because I forge and maintain the life I live. I had to convince her that me buying a boat was a good thing for her and the family! Just so I could get away! I didnt have too I guess in hindesight, but mentally she had beaten the drums and fall in line kinda shit. Woman is stressful because she never changes etc.
So I suppose lately it has made me a little more exhausted...I will very much dislike being at her place this Thursday but I will suck it up and do my duty.
One of the biggest things I have never understood from my mother is how she would harp on in the past about sacrificing so much for me, suffering mentally and physically and that she had no prospects of love or career, that it felt like she was entilted to treat me whoever she liked, but yet was proud of my achievements and was living through me succeeding...like, what the fuck. Some things will remain a mystery. I need to get my head out of the past right now, it leads only to a rabbit hole that hurts and not productive. Que creative management strategies.
That said, the guy taking over my supervisors managing role is a really nice, smart guy! He offered to help me create some structure to my day and tips so I dont get so overwhelmed at work when busy and helped me with my car today! Out of nowhere! So good. Lately I have struggled to keep up as I do a variety of things and I get lost or things get side lined.
Was in the electronic store today and asked about solar power leads and controllers and fuck me dead, he explained it all so well, really knew his stuff. I can plan this better now and get it hooked up soon.
After boat has been slipped, I will definetly take a week off to go sailing if I can.
Checked in on sailor mate, swelling hasnt gone down....said it got bigger actually. He reckons 1 to 4 weeks before it gets better. Bloody long time! Crickey.
I will buy another steel cabinet and install below the other one in the aft cabin, like a his and hers for sex toys. I have this image in my head when I find a lover woman, opening the door and telling her to select her pleasure, vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, nipple clamps, whatever I can fit in and placed nicely.
Was looking at the pin up picture of nurse friend on the cabinet today and wished I could run my hands down her body. Hold her waist and bring her into my body.
Boss lady brought kittens in today! Boss man brought his dog a little while ago, so good for morale. Animal therapy is the bees knees