Many years ago, when I was young and innocent, I met a Swedish backpacker recently back from Thailand. Over a couple of drinks, he explained to me the curious phenomenon of Thai ladyboys. Known as katoeys, these highly decorated gender-benders can be seen practically everywhere. I asked my new Swedish chum what on earth you would do if you pulled one and didn't realise your mistake until rather late in the game. "Anything you like" he said with a grin.

For those who don't want to get more than they bargained for, I've cobbled together a biological check-list below. Mistakes happen more frequently than people let on. Would you brag about it?

This photo of the Miss Lady Lady International contest appeared recently in the Bangkok Post. The one in the middle is obviously a fella, but what about the other two? The one on the left looks like a real babe, but a babe is the one thing she is not. In fact, all three have that little bit extra - namely a big fat veiny knob or, at best, one that has been inverted by surgery.

Back home, it would be unthinkable to marry a prostitute (Would you pay your own wife for a hand-job behind the bottle-bank?). In Thailand, however, to ask a stranger how he met his partner would be crassness bordering on Tourette's Syndrome. Ex-hooker wives and girlfriends seem to be the norm here.

In fairness, many of them are lovely girls and you would never guess the secrets of their lurid past but others are as rough as fuck. Why do nice guys do it?

Could it be White Knight Syndrome? Planeloads of lonely, kind-hearted guys arrive in Thailand each day and there are plenty of damsels apparently in distress to choose from. The widespread belief that hookers want to be saved is typified by headlines like "37 prostitutes rescued from massage parlour" but they have a rather hollow ring to them. Reports of "37 traders rescued from brokerage house" wouldn't elicit much sympathy would it? If coercion is absent, all that remains is career choice.

When a Thai bar girl says "I want leave bar go school get good job", what she really means is "fund me a life of idle luxury so I can be more selective about the guys I fuck for pleasure and profit behind your back." She already has a cushy number with great pay and perks. It's her straight-laced sisters slaving away in factories and rice paddies that deserve our sympathy. Most guys already know this, so why do they still choose a Thai hooker?

On the face of it, respectable Thai women offer everything a man could want. They are polite, charming, caring, great with kids, beautiful and not too difficult to meet. Unfortunately, each one comes complete with a meddling money-minded family. If judged rich enough, you would be herded to the altar with indecent haste. Long, informal courtships are frowned upon. This is peddle-to-the-metal romance.

A popular figure of fun is the wedding obsessed woman who regards the groom as a trivial detail but in Thailand no one is laughing and money comes first. The family probably has a cardboard cut-out of their daughter in a bridal gown alongside a wealthy groom. Do you want to be the man who puts his head through the circular opening where the husband's face should be? I suppose it depends on the girl.

Nice Thai girls tend to be just as conventional as their parents. They may even collect stamps. Western guys who move to Thailand are often anything but conventional and are used to western women who drink, smoke and kick-arse at pool. Generally, nice Thai girls don't - although things are slowly changing.

It's the freewheeling bar girls that make visitors feel more at home. They differ from their respectable western sisters only in their approachability, sunny disposition, striking good looks and devious nature. They are similar in that they enjoy casual sex with the best looking guy they can find. Often they are fun to be with and many men become romantically involved with one special girl.

The down-side of taking on a bar girl is the damage it does to your reputation. No matter how well she scrubs-up, other Thais will suss her out instantly. Her surprise visit to your workplace could even cost you your job. These girls have a knack of becoming clingy at precisely the wrong moment - i.e. when your Thai colleagues walk in. Flaunting her relationship with you elevates her status a little. You, on the other hand, look like a total prick.

The pitfalls don't stop there. Pity the soft-hearted guy who marries a bar girl (possibly unknowingly) and invests in her all his dreams and money but remains just a detail in her busy love-life. It's rather like wasting your life savings on rotten fruit - except the taste left in the mouth is fouler.

A sincere, marriage-minded man should avoid hookers at all costs and beware of girls who are easy to meet. They may claim to be respectable, but 90% are lying. This figure rises to 100% at the Nana Disco. In a future posting, I will discuss how to spot a con-artist.

Most guys come to Thailand just to have fun. Helping them to enjoy themselves is what bar girls do best. However, those sincere about taking a wife should seek out the nicest girl they can find and accept no substitute - or anything that rhymes with it.

Fun-loving Thai ladies have a well-deserved reputation for telling the odd fib but their knickers rarely burst into flames as a result. For a mate of mine, however, this was all about to change.

With a night of fun in mind, he picked up a cute dancer from Nana Plaza and took her back to his hotel. In the bar, she had been quite happy to parade around naked in front of half the world. In the room, however, she was overcome with shyness. No amount of fiddling could create a lighting effect subtle enough for her.

Eventually, she created a soothing glow by slipping her lacy knickers over the wall-light. The ambiance was now judged sufficiently romantic for their tryst to begin. My friend was thrilled to discover that his date went like a train but his pleasure was short-lived. Whilst attending to the matter in hand, both had failed to notice that her undies were beginning to smoulder. Suddenly, they went up like a roman candle.

Realising the seriousness of the situation, my friend quickly disengaged and ran through the billowing smoke to the bathroom. After soaking a couple of towels, he returned to smother the blaze. Using the extractor fan, he was able to clear the air.

His fast reactions confined the damage to some scorched wallpaper and a couple of ruined towels. Feeling pleased with himself, he invited his date to resume where they left off. Though suffering a little from the effects of smoke, she reluctantly agreed. The magic had gone though, so he wrapped things up quickly.

His girl insisted on reporting the damage to reception. The staff handled things politely and didn't demand extra money. Her honesty in coming forward suggests that the fire in her pants was not triggered by a deceitful nature.

This is the question that many men ask themselves each time they put down their heavily-soiled copy of Asian Babes.

Do you have what it takes to start a new life in the exotic East? 

Yes? Then why not put yourself to the test.

1. Do you want to teach English and get paid with pretty sea shells and colourful beads?

2. Do you like shy girls who hide behind towels and only let you get it in half-way?

3. Do you want to live with a raddled prostitute who cheats you into financial ruin before buggering-off back to her drug-dealing Thai boyfriend?

4. Do you want to become a fat, tedious, no-mates twat with a bottle of Chang beer welded to your hand?

5. Do you want to amuse the ladies of the Nana Disco with your ridiculous dyed comb-over whilst trying to coax them back to your filthy cinder-block cell for a grudging sympathy-fuck?

6. Do you want to buy a dream bar, go broke and stage a dramatic death-plunge from your Pattaya balcony?

If you can answer yes to at least three of these questions, then get ready to pack your bags. You're off to live in Thailand!