Many thanks to the lovely people on here who have sent me messages of support, you're so very kind. It's been a week since Lois told me it's over and I haven't heard back from her. Even with Mother fussing over me, I feel very alone right now. I have written a blog for the first time in years as I find writing down my thoughts in times of crisis helps me somehow.

I haven't heard from Lois in now 3 days, I thought she might have text me to just 'check in'. 1000's of people go through this shit everyday and come through it, I just wonder when it will stop hurting. I've resisted phoning her as I don't know what sort of a reception I will get. When I feel like this I normally phone an old boyfriend and ask if they fancy like a fuck to distract me, but I haven't. When I first told Mother all those years ago, that I was getting married, she was not at all happy. I was shocked when she said, who's going to wipe my arse when I'm old. I was never going to abandon her, but now she'll have all the attention she wants. I feel so stupid that I thought marrying a woman would make me a man. I guess Lois feels the same way too.

I've often wondered if this day would ever come. I/we've been so close to this before but always just avoided it. Lois sat me down yesterday and said, I'm sorry but I don't love you any more, well I do, but not like I used to. At one time I would have thought the bottom had fallen out of my world, but inside I was secretly relieved and to be honest started to think of the opportunities that this offered me. I asked her if she was in love with her boyfriend and she said yes, he's the one. I don't mean to be hurtful, but he's everything your not. After a brief conversation, Lois said she was going to move in with him. I wished her good luck and I meant it. I hope that we can remain good friends, in the way perhaps we should always have been. Lois took off her wedding ring and handed it to me and said it felt like a removing a weight off her shoulders. She kissed me on the cheek and said she was sorry and she'd be around in a few days to collect her things. I had a little cry when she left, after all we've known each other for a long time and any breakup is painful. I phoned Mother to tell her our news and predictably she's delighted. I'm excited and nervous about the future right now. I'm going to spend some time with Mother today.