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At INSEX I discovered my new favorite therapy: xtasy through torture. Throughout my life I have always enjoyed the feeling of a blade slipping through my flesh or a needle sticking in a vein, and yet, I never went beyond these particular experiences. Only now, after my visit with INSEX, am I beginning to realize where I can go with those natural tendencies of mine and what pleasure may be in store.
Perhaps I was a little too eager, a bit high on myself, when I first arrived. After watching my friend model for the site I knew this was my thing. I quickly spoke up and told the people in the studio about my fascination with knife play. I knew I could do this! But when I heard talk of piercing jugulars I realized these people where no joke!
My initial glee made an impression and I had my first BDSM experience that very night. I went as a sub to an SM club in Manhattan. That night I was forced to face new anxieties I did not even realize I had; deeply seated conflicts surrounding shame and humiliation.
I think the first segment of the evening turned me on the most. I asked my dom if I could smoke a cigarette and he made me get on my knees and kneel before him. My knees are particularly bony so the pain rapidly increased. I was forced to deal with an unfamiliar pain; one that I did not enjoy. Breathing deep, I closed my eyes and let the pain come into me and flood my body. I took it in and soon started to like it.
He then instructed me to stick out my tongue. Excitement came over me as I realized this man was going to put the cigarette out on my tongue! But the greater fear and only thought in my head was what is he going to do to me next! I wallowed in the disgusted looks on the faces around me; I could hear their thoughts: this sick girl will let anyone do anything to her. I loved the look of shock when I looked right at their faces, confirming their judgement: and I would let you do anything to me to if you want. Some people were turned on, others disgusted and embarrassed. During the long, languorus moments my dom was pressing the cigarette against my tongue, my body was laughing. The extreme discomfort and the apprehension formed shame into a physical feeling. My body was definitely laughing at everyone around me. Being told to swallow the ashes just made me tingle!
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