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It's probably for the best that I'm too old and decrepit for this shit. If I were young, I would do this shit for real and have my ticket punched permanently. Because I want this so bad. And I get it! My childhood was really traumatizing, I was in abusive friendships and relationships for many years, and now that I feel safe, comfortable, and peaceful for the first time in my life, my trauma brain can't deal with it. The only time I feel right is when I am in danger, under threat, controlled, or in a violent situation. My mind can't cope with safety. So here I am on IF, saying that I really wish I could have an abvsive boyfriend, an actual owner. He wouldn't have to hate me, but have complete contempt for me, no concern for my needs or well being, no concept of boundaries or limits, and not even consider me a person. I actually want him to burn all my identifying documents, to isolate me from everyone I know, to restrict my movements, to demand total service, to hurt me for fun and use my holes to masturbate with, to show his friends my bruises proudly, to whore me out, to publicly humiliate me, to take away my name and only call me whore, slut, or stupid, and to decorate a landfill or a forest floor with me when he's done with me. Because that, I know how to cope with. This calm and safety crap is beyond me.
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