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VICAR’S SECRET A Word from the Editor: My dear, wayward lambs, It is with a heavy heart and a yet heavier conscience that I, Father Ambrose, set pen to paper once more. What you are about to peruse in these furtive pages is not offered for your titillation (Heaven forfend!), but as a solemn act of spiritual prophylaxis. These films, these lamentable reels of modern Gomorrah, have fallen into my reluctant custody through channels too distressing to mention. I have viewed them, repeatedly and at considerable personal cost, so that you, my flock, need never soil your souls with the same. Let no one mistake prurience for piety. Every shuddering frame has been endured with rosary in one hand and a stiff measure of communion brandy in the other, purely that I might catalogue the precise nature of the snares now laid for the unwary. Consider these reviews, then, as the surgical reports of a battlefield chaplain: graphic in their necessity, unflinching in their detail, and intended solely to inoculate the faithful against contagion. Should you find your pulse quickening or your collar suddenly constricting, fall at once to your knees, recite the Te Deum backwards if you must, and remember: I have already suffered these visions on your behalf. Spare yourselves. Or, failing that, at least have the decency to lock the study door and draw the curtains before pressing “play.” Yours in trembling vigilance, Father Ambrose (who still only ever meant to do good)
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