Mixed emotions the last few days, although sadness and forgiveness aren't part of these feelings. I've learned that my ex husband has passed. So for his close family and friends they get my sympathy at this time. Me? I really don't feel any kind of sadness, apart from how stupid he was being such a vindictive, jealous, manipulative and bitter man.

Personally, I was absolutely manipulated by him. Irrespective of who I am now, the previous version of myself was definitely put into situations of blackmail, threats and fear. A prime example? He was the first man i became sexually involved with. Knowing I'm married (back then) he took to following me to my family home. Then visited to tell my wife that I'm intending on divorcing her because I'm having a gay affair. Him being dumb. He told my daughter thinking she was my wife! He lost 4 teeth that day. However. He'd outted me. At a point where I didn't even truly know myself. An immediate marriage separation occurred, news travelled very quickly to ALL of my friends and family that I was Gay. All because he wanted me to move in with him. Which. I did.

It's hard to imagine how someone who was initially so understanding, can become so contorted and spiteful. Yes, I did absolutely have a lot of wonderful times with him. But the magnitude of even more of his jealous actions simply overshadow the good times. So. Why did I marry him? Unfortunately because in hindsight, I was under his control. Friends and family handled the news of my Gay affair in different ways. Mostly badly. Whilst he, despite causing all this stress, offered a release. Where I could be, as he told me my true self. Basically my confidence was lower than it could ever be. And. He'd won. I belonged to him.Untll I came to my senses.

 PNA. Pre nuptial agreements. He was too arrogant to even read them. Legally our civil partnership was annulled over "coercive & controlling behaviour." But. He attempted to go legal for all my financial assets. He failed. Miserably. Bizarrely his next plan to spite me. Was my now ex wife! Who herself never could turn down cash...even if it's for selling her own body! The strange thing here? Why would a man who extolled all the virtues of being Gay...pay repeatedly for sex with a woman? (Oh and send me recordings and pictures too!) I wasn't actually angry. It just seemed stupid. However he then began poisoning the mind of a guy I was seeing.  It just goes on and on! 

Would it have always turned out this way for me is irrelevant. I'd probably still be married and sleeping with guys in secret if he hadn't have outted me! Unfortunately I'm aware how much he moulded me into something else. I can't delete that. All I can do, is conduct myself as a better person than he ever was.

Sorrow for his passing? Nah.