For a long time I have rationalised my interest in femdom and feminisation as stemming from a general feeling of guilt about sex. Growing up, I was aware that there was something private, even furtive about sex long before I understood what sex was. I knew that the pleasure I felt from masturbating was something I should conceal from others.

So in my early sexual fantasies I would alleviate that sense of guilt by imagining that a woman initiated everything and took responsibility for it. 

In my ignorance about what sex involved, I fantasised about being fondled. My basic understanding of femininity led me to fantasise about symbols of it like clothing. Put the two together and you get the makings of a fetish.

But I realised recently that it was more than just a general feeling of guilt. While responding to a user on Imagefap who had written a caption for an image in one of my galleries, I recalled a single moment in my childhood that I recognised as profoundly formative.

 I was young - I'm not sure exactly how young but certainly pre-pubescent. A friend was visiting me at my house and we ended up in my older sister's bedroom with her and at least one of her friends. I am conscious of the frailty of memory, but I remember there being a feminine garment (an elasticated floral skirt?) and a suggestion that one or both of us might like to wear it. This was probably a device to make us go away rather than a wish to dress us up per se, but it wasn't merely verbal - we were physically offered it and perhaps even approached by my sister's friend with the prospect that she would make us. My friend was more assertive than me, refusing to do it. I remember thinking that I did want to, perhaps even saying so.

How close did I come to wearing it? If I did it was both my friend and I wearing it together over the top of our clothes. I remember there being some kind of struggle, with my friend having to get away, and us leaving the room shortly afterwards.

In any case, the memory of that seems to have lodged and manifested itself as a wish to be dominated and an association between sex and feminine clothing. The drawings I have gathered on Imagefap take me back to that time, when I wished for feminine contact without knowing what it would be like, but knowing that I would be ashamed.

It is instructive to realise how profound that encounter was - how without it I would probably not have spent so many hours searching for images that speak to those desires. I wonder if the people who drew them, or who admire them, had similar experiences.