* Self improvement is masturbation.
o Tyler Durden, in Fight Club
* I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
o Woody Allen
* I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
o Dave Attell
* If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't 'taper off'. You've got to quit, cold jerky!
o Lenny Bruce
* The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it
o Truman Capote
* If God had intended for us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
o George Carlin
* Masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed.
o George Carlin
* My mother caught me.
o George Costanza from Seinfeld
* Physics is to mathematics as sex is to masturbation
o Richard Feynman
* The only thing about masturbation to be ashamed of is doing it badly.
o Sigmund Freud
* Intercourse with a woman is sometimes a satisfactory substitute for masturbation. But it takes a lot of imagination to make it work.
o Karl Kraus
* Masturbation is to sex as philosophy is to reality.
o Karl Marx
* Sophisticated persons masturbate without compunction. They do it for reasons of health, privacy, thrift and because of the remarkable perfection of invisible partners.
o P. J. O'Rourke
* We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
o Lily Tomlin
* If you're going to gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much.
o Mark Twain
