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    When I arrived the day of my live feed I was sick with nervousness - it wasn’t a bad feeling — but as the day went on I was completely taken over by my nerves. I had no idea what to expect. When I finally got dressed, my ankles and wrists bound in metal and my head in the metal mask I became very calm. I stopped thinking about everything else and just listened to myself breath — and tried to be aware of all the different sensations — good or bad that I was feeling. Everything was heavy — my feet became numb — and the shackles were cutting into my bones. My wrists were throbbing and my right hand was numb as well. The metal mask barely fit my head and prevented me from closing my mouth so the inside of my mouth quickly became dry. And there was incredible pressure under my nose, above my lip. I began to play games with myself and tried to only concentrate on one part of my body and understand what I was feeling there — it was easy at first, but when my legs began to tremble it was almost impossible to separate all of the physical sensations. The hogtie was a struggle for me — my arms instantly went numb. And tying my hair to my feet put a constant strain on my neck — it saw hard to breathe and my breaths began to become more rapid and shallow. When I saw him with the cane I immediately started to panic, my eyes automatically filled with tears and even though he didn’t really strike me hard, the anticipation caused me to tremble and when he would strike me my body would jump and my feet would thrash causing the assplug to rise up and out to a very different position. That was when I began to try to move passed the pain and felt it in a different way — I think I did for a while — but honestly I don’t have much experience with pain — and up until that point my first reaction was to avoid it at all costs. I wanted to try go with the sensation for as long as I could and the easiest way for me to do that is to let it out with emotions. Crying has always been a good outlet for me and the more I cried the easier it was. My head started to get a little fuzzy during the flying position — there was intense pressure on my arms and chest that made it a challenge to breathe. It’s hard for me to remember most of it. Even after PD released my arms I was still weak. I felt bad for pulling so much on 411’s nipple clamps — but I felt I had no control over my movements — the stimulation with the vibrator made the rest of my pain disappear for a short time — which I needed and really enjoyed. I felt silly giving head to 411’s strap on but I couldn’t stop for fear of getting caned. I didn’t dislike it, it just felt strange because it wasn’t real. From the very beginning I have been a little worried about the toe hang. During the show I kept looking over at the metal bar with the straps — my feet are my most sensitive area on my body — I really wanted to see how I would handle it. At that point I was becoming exhausted and didn’t have much energy left to give. My arms bound behind my back with leather straps PD began to tie each toe to the metal bar. I knew at that point I would have to really try to remain calm to control my breathing. When he started to pull it spread each of toes out completely and that was enough to make me lose some of my calm — the pressure was incredible. I tried to push my body up with my back - but I was already in so much pain it was hard to control. I think something in me snapped at that point. I have never felt so much pain before, and it was such a different feeling — it didn’t seem real. My vision became a little fuzzy and sounds became confusing and distorted. My senses — I don’t remember how long it went on for. I do remember feeling grateful when my toes were released. I had an overwhelming pain in my bladder. PD had been making me drink so much water — but when he finally gave me a chance to pee it seemed almost impossible — he made me raise my leg and I could barely keep it up — my arms were shaking - and my legs were aching and throbbing. Finally I was able to force myself to go, but as soon as I started the urge had passed. I remember looking down at my hands on the floor and realizing that I had barely any feeling left in them — I had no sense of time anymore. I couldn’t tell if I had been there for one hour or seven. I had never experienced anything at all like what had just happened. I wanted to try and finish the last thing — but my body wouldn’t stop shaking. I didn’t think I could continue. When I realized how much time had passed I felt a sense of pride that I had been able to endure and I hadn’t run away from the pain — but instead I tried to make sense of it — understand it. I felt calm again when I was finished, and over all I felt good about the entire experience — it was completely different than I expected. And I just hoped that everyone enjoyed it and understood that this was my very first attempt at anything this intense and I really appreciate everyone’s support. I’m sure I’ll do it again soon if PD asks me to — I wonder what that will be like?
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    Bondage / S&M
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