Hello again you lovely people,

I hope you are enjoying my story so far and that you are ready for me to get to the real turning points that led to me being who I am today.  Thanks to everyone that has read up to this point and please don't be shy about giving me feedback, I love hearing from you.

So, in the last part, I had kissed a boy and done a back alley gender reassignment of an action figure but had not actually worn any traditionally female items of clothing or shoes since my very early years.  Fast forward to when I was around 11 years old (imagine a speeded up tape sound there).

At that age, both my parents and my older bother worked, which meant that I had time on my hands to do my own thing when I got home from school.  I often wonder how different things might have been if my mother had remained a housewife as I would never have had the opportunity to start exploring my feminine alter ego.

It was around this time that I reached the same height as my mother and one day it occurred to me that her clothes might fit me.  To me, this thought process shows that the drive to crossdress is hard-wired and not a choice we make.  Anyway, I digress...

One day in that golden time before everyone got in from work, I went to my Mum's wardrobe to see if there was something I would like to try on.  Luckily, a dress had fallen of its hanger and was lying on top of some shoes at the bottom.  It was a teal coloured cowl neck jersey dress with long sleeves and the hem came to about mid-thigh.  The dress pictured below is very similar:

Fixing in my mind where the dress had been so I could put it back in the same place, I stripped to my underwear and slipped the dress on.  It fitted perfectly.  I went to look at myself in my Mum's full length mirror and I remember standing on tiptoe to emulate how I would look in heels, too.  As the dress was fairly figure hugging, I couldn't help but notice a bulge down below so, reaching up under the hem, I tucked for the first time. 

My heart was racing both from sheer exhilaration and the fear that one of my family could return early from work and catch me.  I hurriedly took off the dress and returned it to where I had found it.  I was in complete turmoil afterwards - I wanted more but what did that make me? I knew that society did not tolerate this kind of behaviour and that I would be shunned by my loved ones, so I vowed never to do it again.

Yeah, right.  That's what cocaine addicts probably say after their first time, too.  It was barely weeks before the siren call of that dress became too strong to resist but this time, I thought I would try a pair of my mother's tights, too. (pantyhose for the benefit of any Americans reading this).  The dress had still not been hung back up, so I grabbed that and then I carefully removed a pair of tights from one the drawers in my parents' room.  I got dressed again and from that moment on, I was hooked.  The way the sheer nylon felt against my skin was indescibable and I loved the way they made my legs look, too.

Now fast forward about 18 months.  Kids grow a lot when they hit puberty so it wasn't long before I had passed my mother in height but, more crucially, my feet were now the same size as hers.  When I realised this, only one thing was ever going to happen.  I knew my mother's clothes still fit me, so the next time I dressed, I selected a pair of her heels that I absolutely loved to complete my outfit.  When I looked at myself in the mirror this time, I saw an adolescent girl with nice legs and a trim body and the rush was incredible.  To my absolute amazement, I recently found those shoes at my parents' place, lying unloved and forgotten in a wardrobe and here they are: 

I can honestly say I never had trouble walking in stilettos, in fact I took to them like the proverbial duck to water.  Sadly, I grew fairly quickly when I was about 13 so I only had a short window of time where my feet still fit my mother's shoes.  I made the most of every opportunity to dress and, because I was so careful about putting things back in exactly the right place, I never got caught.

I remember that time as one of enormous confusion, doubt, self loathing and fear but it was all worth it to experience that rush of adrenaline and dopamine.  Of course, I kept it all secret and had no-one I could confide in.  This would lead to serious problems later on but that is for another time.

As always, I'd love to hear your experiences, so please comment or message me if you want to share your first times as your feminine self.

Big hugs,

Janie

xxx