Look I know we didn't get of to the best start. There was that time from age 9 to 16 where I tried to stick you in anything that I thought you might fit. From empty toilet paper rolls to bubble wrap lubed up with petroleum jelly. In the dark times before Fleshlights (and actual pussy). We don't speak of these times often. The times of jerking it to Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models and Penthouse Letters. Times were tough. Reading and jerking is the hardest thing someone can do. So I'm sorry if I abused you on the big words and I'm sorry you were raw for about 7 continuous years. (((Ominous voice))) The Darrrrrk Timessss.

So I get it when you got your revenge by getting hard while I was watching Brady Bunch one Saturday morning. Or in gym class because why the hell not. I'm not using my hands to shoot the b-ball or play D. No, I'm using them to cover you up. But in your defense you got hard at a stiff wind or the thought of a stiff wind or even wind. Period. So confusing.

Look I tried to get you in pussy as quickly as possible. Its not like I didn't try. But for years afterward you were calm. A steady supply of pussy and less jerking. We had a good working relationship. We got through (and into) some stuff. You were always there for/on me.

There was that time you stayed hard through three girls in one night. You have let me bang a girl until you were bleeding. You stopped being so impatient and let me go for hours. You let me stick you in some dark places. Some dark brown places. And you took it like a champ. Sometimes these days you even get hard when I want you to get hard.

But look. We need to talk.

When I'm done with them you've got to stop taking the credit.

I appreciate that you are above average. But really you are just big enough to hit cervixes (cervices?) and are super hard to hide. You have a nice girth but you are not very photogenic. So I get some of the love for you.

But seriously. I'm the one back here doing the pumping. I'm the one sweating my ass off. I'm the one rubbing and kissing and talking and spanking and choking.

And all they say at the end is: "Love that dick!"

You little motherfucker (literally some days!).

Best Regards,

Signed:

That useless chunk of meat you literally hang from.