Recently I have been more wanting someone to just cuddle.with on a couch watching a movie or while we play games or general relaxing. Wanting to wake up to someone else in my bed, or even just waking up in theirs. Someone to look at and smile because we enjoy each other.

Of course I still have all of my fantasies and perverted wants but I also want tthe completeness of an actual relationship. Which is tricky, or at least it feels that way to me.

Unfortunately there are no gay bars near in any accessible way. Or really bars or places I want to go at all that I can meet people of similar interests and age range. So I have resigned myself to being single and a virgin until I can move out of here and get to a populated area with people who just don't care what I do with my life, because they are too busy living theirs. The plan is to move into a place for myself, do not really want sharing with ransomers though that may be unavoidable. Either way as long as they are alight with my being bi and having a collection of sextoys and women's clothing it should be fine. If I find the right people to move in with they may even be willing to join in on the fun, but that is just my imagination running again. Having moved into a place I want to get in shape, that is even something I can work on now reallyreally, nothing crazy I do not want to be "built" or anything I just want to lose some weight and get some definition. You know look attractive, or at least to myself as I do not like my body too much. After that I want to get myself on PreP and let it sink in for a few weeks, I am quite worried about the possibility of HIV. With all that in lineline, hit the town and get to picking up some guys, maybe even a girl. 

It has been a little saddening looking around at all the people enjoying their other halves and the time they spend together. Or even seeing the type of person I like but being unable to do anything about it. No car, no place of my own and no way to really provide for a relationship. Not really sure I have much to offer. You see I am 28 now and have never been in a relationship, never had a one night stand, never kissed a guy (though I have kissed a girl), so I am feeling a little freakish/unworthy and confused. I have an outpouring of love and friendship to give but cannot even begin to think about the reality of that.

While I am in a good time for it I feel like I ended up in a pocket of old fashioned typestypes, not quite up to speed with the gay culture or that it is an acknowledged thing now. Don't get me wrong I love my friends and we get along very well but while we joke about my potential gayness I have never actually told them I am bi. They are not quite accepting but I never really found out why, mostly it comes down to not being comfortable around the stereotypical loud flamboyant gay types. Which I am not in public...yet possibly? I myself want just a regular guy, but at the same time my old man fantasies have me wanting a young smooth sissy girl, but putting the impossible aside yeah I would just like a regular good looking guy. Just someone to spend time with and laugh, hold, comfort, see places with, kiss passionately, love deeply and spend my days and nights with.

Sorry this all a bit woe is me and such but that's how I am feeling. Though as much as all of the above is a solid plan I can follow, it still feels years away at which time I will be in my 30's... Maybe I will never find someone, that kind of sucks but then again it is how I have been so far through the first third or so of my expectant life. So right now I can easily see my self being single for life. The thought crosses my mind a few times a week and has its ups and downs but I feel torn and not really in control of my life as a result. 

I have just been staring at the screen now for a while not sure what if anything (there is definitely something) to add. So gonna call it here.