I have let others dictate who I am sexually. That has been a problem with me for much of my life. I let the Catholic Church via the nuns who taught me and prepared me to go to church and confess my sins. They used guilt and shame to mold me in the image and likeness of themselves or the way that they though God wanted us to be. I used to be ashamed of the fact that I could not stop masturbating. It felt so good! All along that is what God wanted, He or She wanted us to feel so good! We would not have been born with apposing thumbs! Try to masturbate without using your thumb.

This is going to get lengthy I can tell it. I have been mulling this over for quite some time.

When I went to the seminary I thought I should quit masturbating. I did for 21 days until the dam broke - it felt good, but I came so hard it hurt!

I used to do to confession and confess masturbation to the old priest who was hard of hearing in the neighboring parish because I was afraid of being recognized. When I was in the seminary I would go to the old priest who was supposed to be our "spiritual director" and I would confess that I masturbated. He would tell me "you are going to be okay". What the hell did that mean? If he would tell me "masturbation is not a sin it is natural" then it would have been helpful! That is what I told people who confessed it to me. I was 46 years old and just recently kicked out of the priesthood for being sexual and one of my sister's classmates who was cleaning house for me asked me "Mel do you masturbate?" For the first time in my life I told someone who was not in a confessional "Yes Debbie I do." It was so freeing! God I was free at last!

By the way I do masturbate and it feels good! God it feels good! Thank you God for my thumbs and my penis and my orgasms, my lovers, my sex objects, the pictures of naked women and men and their beautiful bodies!

Yes I could be called weird by some people I look at a naked body and get horny but I also become grateful to the person who was driven to take off their clothes and be honest about their sex drive! Looking at pictures on ImageFap becomes a prayer! Yes I am weird.

When the bishop talked to me and told me that he was not going to let me stay in the priesthood he told me that I should have just prayed more. I should have told him thanks for the dose of guilt bishop but I don't want it.

Recently two of my sister tried to lay a dose of guilt on me and I let it form what I felt about myself for a while but no more! One sister texted me a mean and nasty note about how everything I think of is sex. I had visited her for 90 minutes and all I said was "your health care giver is attractive and I would love to take nude pictures of her." It was dumb of me to say out loud what I was thinking. She called another of my sisters because she cannot keep a secret and told her that I had sexual contact with men because my wife has not for 12 years. My other sister called me and told me how dangerous that is and yes she knows that she has had sex with guy but not while she was married. That is a lie because she had sex with me!

I am not letting this control who I am sexually - their image of who I should be is not me!

Over Easter I was stranded in Iowa at my brother-in-law's house because of snow. I let myself feel guilty about my arousal there. There were 6 young women who made me horny and I felt bad about it for a long time but now I say "no"! God has made then beautiful and just because they arouse me is not sinful!

I hope you don't mind my diatribe and I hope you are aroused by my sexual life history.

Mel