For the best part of a year now, my wife and I have enjoyed playing with a cuckold scenario and enjoyed usin this site to explore fantasies around her cckolding me with alpha male bullies in particular. We've had some great fun with Allie role playing the submissive slut for alpha guys and it was a real turn on for us both for her to display a side of her I never usually see.

But all of that was fantasy to a large extent. At the same time as all this was happening, in reality I have to cope with Allie's son and his friends pretty much ignoring me and/or treating me as a bit of a joke, which in all honesty is quite hurtful when they call round and exclude me while they have fun with Allie. Weirdly, Allie hen saying it made her pussy tingle to see me accept such a beta role around much younger men did turn the situation around so that it actually felt nice to be insulted or ignored, knowing it was turning my wife on, and she would quite often straddle me that night and make me tell her how much of a wimp I had been as she brought herself to orgasm riding my little dick. She would get me to say 'the boys are so much more men than I am' or things similar to that as I came inside her, or stroked myself into her waiting hand.

So, all of this albeit humiliating, was a way of sexualising a tough situation and making it pleasurable. I'd also add that making captions of alpha bullies also had a sense of unreality to it, as although Allie finds alpha males attractive, bullying is not an attribute that turns her on particularly. Even when Allie skirted closer to the bone, refusing to touch my little dick or put in her mouth because it was too small to feel sexy for her and compare that to how she had practically worshipped her ex-husband's bigger cock and done everything she could to please him, it still felt okay, because heir was a form of intimacy between us, he wasn't included in reality, I was, and Allie loved how devoted and aroused I will get without her having to do anything but allow us both to focus on her pleasure.

Everything was safe, sexy and making the best of my inadequacies.  

But was has happened lately has been a roller coaster of emotions for me, both good and bad, and the more real it has become, the more intense both those good and bad emotions have felt.

People on this site have been great at commenting and offering advice, even giving commands, which has been sexy if extremely humiliating for me to have other men encouraging my wife to cuckold me saying it is what should happen. Seeing Allie so vibrant, alive and feeling so sexy has been wonderful too and she certainly enjoys all the attention. It is like she is blooming.

But that is also the problem; as Allie blooms I feel like I am shrivelling to nothing, and I think the difference is a loss of control as fantasy starts to become a possibility of being real. There's a huge difference between lying with my wife and enjoying her arousal as she taunts me about her ex-husband's bigger cock and better performances, and actually having the guy in our lives for real. In a fantasy, he is controllable, in reality he has his own motives, agenda and independent actions that obviously affect the situation.

The other day, after my wife had lap dances for Jez while I was out, even having an orgasmed by rubbing her clit against his own thigh, I returned his car to him, washed it etc (see earlier blog if you can be bothered), but the thing that haunted me walking home that day was the fact that after I asked him if Allie was ever sexually I satisfied with him, he just looked down at me with a bemused look on his face and then shut h door in my face. I told Allie about it, and she suggested I try and look at it from Jez's perspective and this is what it looks like to me:

Jez fucked around when he was married to Allie, I suppose because they married too young. Anyway, she divorced him against his wishes, so I suppose he would have no objection to having Allie back in his life. On top of that, he knows from being friends with my sister-in-law that Allie jokes about my tiny dick and how my best performances are with my tongue at the same time as e knows how much my wife used to cum on his fat cock and suck him off every Sunday etc, etc. So, I suppose there must be this undercurrent of sexual tension; Jez knowing his hot, sexy ex is frustrated and used to be fully satisfied by him. Probably a flattering position for Jez, but in reality his hot little ex is off limits.

But then Allie starts giving signals that she wants her 'big man' around again, and before he knows it, his band's equipment is filling our garage and everytime he calls in, his hot ex-wife is flirty and fun, and always putting him first at her husband's expense. Again, flattering and no doubt Jez is enjoying the possibility of enjoying Allie once more.

But then Allie has slowly given him more and more control and right to intrude on our marriage. The really significant step was Allie asking Jez to choose her outfit for her to dance to his band in, and he was totally fine with choosing the sluttiest outfit hat she offered. So, this makes me think that Jez is completely at ease with allowing my wife to direct her slutty attention towards him, and that he has no qualms about respecting my marriage. A this point it began to feel very disconcerting, but as we had shopped together, it still felt that the scenario was about Allie and I.

But then Jez feels completely at ease calling round unnanounced and telling Allie infront of me he wants to see her in her slutty outfit. This is where it felt too real and what I meant before about in reality Jez has his own motivations, and suddenly I feel powerless and helpless.

What happened reduced me to a complete beta male status and promoted Jez as the alpha male in the context of my wife. I was ignored, bossed about, and made to feel irrelevant at he same time as Jez was reverred by my wife, indulged and given a sexy display by my wife that was only one step from begin him to fuck her. I am still haunted by how Jez has seen and felt my wife cum by grudging herself against his leg. It is so slutty and intimate it drives me insane with jealousy.

But this was about trying to see things from Jez's perspective; so his sexy ex-wife has encouraged him to be around her, give him control of her slutwear and then sent her wimpy husband out while she dances for him and cums on his thigh. I suppose Jez  is riding high at this point and then when I return with his dinner, the whole situation is endorsed by my placid acceptance and Allie's blatant flirting with Jez infront of me.

Now we get to the part where Jez shut a door in my face. Allie asked me to look at it from his perspective, and this is what I came up with:

Jez's perspective: I have a hot ex-wife who is giving me every signal that her pussy is desperate for my cock, she's happy to humiliate her wimp husband and practically drools for my cock infront of him. He must be a total wimp and loser to allow that. Then the pathetic jerk brings my car back after I've practically just fucked his wife, what a total dork! 

Jez must have nothing but contempt for me for being such a spineless wimp. Then, when I bumbled out stuff around being useless at pleasing my wife I think he other thought I was a freak, actually pervy enough to want him to fuck my wife, or just an absolute waste of space. Any, or all of these would easily explain why Jez didn't even dignify my blurting confession with a reply, and instead treated me with the total contempt Allie and I have encouraged him to feel.

So, obviously this feels far from sexy and fun. I feel out of control, useless and spineless and woefully inadequate as a husband. Allie asked me to reflect on all this and write it up. Any advice or comments are very welcome.

The advice I've had so far is to accept my wife finds me inadequate and to support her cuckolding me with Jez as this is what she wants, deserves and needs and that I can still then be a part of her life, her sexlife and enjoy seeing her sexually pleasures in ways I never would otherwise.

I suppose the other alternative is to say I want this to stop, but I am scared this might just bring resentment and ultimately an affair with Jez which would be  as much my fault given what I have allowed so far.

The reality of cuckolding, even though it hasn't even fully happened yet, is completely different to the reality. It is the most intense experience to see your wife give her sexual attentions to another man, both exhilarating and utterly humiliating and soul destroying.

It haunts me every moment that my wife was willing to orgasm while on Jez's lap and how he clearly doesn't see our marriage as having any significance in his desire to fuck Allie again.

 I've posted this both because comments would be welcome and to try and offer my experience to other people thinking of trying cuckoldry.

I've agreed to keep this blog going, so I will do until a resolution is reached.