My girlfriend of about four and a half years broke up with me. I have a number of friends saying, "I'm so sorry" or "we're here if you need someone to talk to", but it's not that easy when what you want to talk about involves your kinks and other non-normal fantasies. I just don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking about these kinds of things with. Then I figured, no one reads these blog posts anyways, and on the rare chance that someone does, then they will be more likely to understand where I'm coming from. Plus, getting things off of my chest will hopefully make me feel better in general. I hope.

1. I've enjoyed dressing in women's clothing since I was roughly 4 years old. It wasn't anything sexual then, although it kinda became sexual by association with some of my other fetishes later. I just like the feeling of women's clothing on my skin. I like how dresses leave your legs free but not necessarily exposed. I like how soft women's clothes can be. They use fabric that men just refuse wear sometimes. I like women's bathing suits for a very similar reason.

2. I am what some people would consider a "yes man," and in my opinion I can take this to an extreme. For an example: I ended up picking up a prostitute with my car without even realizing it. It was 2 in the morning in the winter time. My car tells me its -2 degrees out and I'm driving in a bad neighborhood. A woman is running towards me waving her hands to get me to stop. She tells me she needs a ride. I let her in. I mean it's cold outside! As I start driving she tells me it's her birthday but none of her friends would go out with her, and she asks for $20 to buy alcohol. I make a pit stop at the bank and take out $20 (I only had $32 total in my account) and give it to her. She then starts asking me to show her my dick so she can "see what she is working with." It takes me a long time to convince her that I don't want sex. I ask her where she needs to go, and a long story short I spend the next 3 hours driving her all across town, with the last stop being her drug dealers house.

Ok. I think that should cover the preliminaries. So, biologically I am an only child, but my mom wanted more kids, so my parents started taking in foster kids. One of these kids ended up molesting me. I'll try not to get into details, but I was in 6th grade at the time and at first it didn't seem that bad. I mean, I was definitely feeling uncomfortable. But all he did was strip naked and climb on top of me. It's not like he was fondling my crotch or anything, and he gave me some money to keep me from telling my parents about it afterward. After that he would come up to me when I was alone and ask to do things, offering money, and I would agree. The money was kind of nice, so I went along with it... for 2 years. As time went along things escalated. Masturbation, oral sex, and even to anal sex before I finally started to say no. Not too long after that my brother (adopted), who wasn't as tight lipped as I was, told my parents about stuff that was going on between him and this same foster kid and the authorities came and took him away. His psychologist said that he was projecting the stuff that happened to him onto the people around him and that he was a threat to our family. I was glad to see him go.

I've never masturbated to the thought of people I know. It's something that has always made me uncomfortable. I don't know. I guess to me it feels somewhat disrespectful towards the other person. So, what DID I masturbate to as a kid? Well, I would masturbate to drawn pictures of videogame characters. I didn't feel bad about that because they aren't real people. The thing about hentai, though, is that you get into some pretty weird stuff, and it's through hentai that I got introduced to BDSM. As I got older I started kicking myself around for letting that foster kid do things to me for such a long time. I started looking at things like bondage and wondering "would I have blown the whistle had he done this to me?" And I would dig further and further into that rabbit hole asking myself that question repeatedly. This is how I developed my BDSM fetish.

As I mentioned before, I've liked dressing as a girl from a very young age and not for sexual reasons. But, as I got older I started noticing things. I was picked on relentlessly through elementary school and middle school because I wasn't exactly a manly man. I was a scrawny kid who didn't break the 100 lb mark until high school. Being a "yes man" is usually frowned upon because it makes you seem weak. When I was in 4th grade I had someone walk up to me and tell me that if I didn't cry so much people wouldn't pick on me so much. What I'm trying to say is that I was more of a feminine guy than a masculine guy in general. After the whole foster kid thing I found myself asking "what if I was a girl." I felt like things would just be easier for me if I were a girl. I mean I wouldn't be picked on so much for being feminine in general, plus I sometimes felt that if I were a girl that I might have told someone about that was going on at home. It got to the point where I would regularly wish to be a girl. Blowing out the candles on my birthday cakes, falling stars, etc. The only thing I would ever wish for was to be a girl. My BDSM fetish started with me looking at pictures of girls tied up and thinking about how I would have told someone had that foster brother did something like that to me. It's only a small jump to saying "I wish I was her being tied up." So, not too surprisingly, my interest in cross-dressing went from "I like the feel of women's clothes" to using cross-dressing as a tool to imagine myself as an actual girl, sex and all.

One might assume by now that my foster brother was an older brother, but the truth is I was the older brother by 2 years. Whenever something would happen and we would get into trouble my parents would always say the same line, "You're the oldest, you should have known better." And this is why I struggle so much with what happened. Not only did I allow it to happen repeatedly for 2 years, and not only did I accept money to stay silent about it, but I was the older one. I should have known better.

When I was 22 I had a friend of mine invite me to become a member of a local BDSM club as her sub. One might think that I jumped at the opportunity, but I didn't. Because of my conservative upbringing I wanted to wait till marriage, and not just with sex but with all my kinks as well. Plus, she was almost 55 years old at the time and I was worried about the thought of it being a club. I'll admit, though, that I've looked back on the incident and wondered what if I'd said yes.

Now I'm in my 30's and I've only ever had 2 girlfriends. I asked my first girlfriend to marry me, and she told me "You're too messed up for me and I need someone a little more normal" ...at 4 in the morning, over the phone, roughly a year after saying yes to marrying me. Now there's a whole big story behind that one but it's a story I'm not going to get into as it happened 8 years ago and is water under the bridge now. But that line has stuck with me ever since.

My most recent girlfriend had been a lot more open-minded about my kinkier side. Not that we experimented much with it, but she would playfully hint at playing some of my dirtier games and in general she just didn't seem as upset over them as my first girlfriend was. This got me thinking about what I really want in all of this. What I came to realize is that what I really want right now is to let go and be a submissive in a BDSM relationship with my girlfriend. I am naturally submissive, and this submissive tendency caused me a lot of strife with the whole foster brother thing, and ever since it's been a side of me that I've been trying to suppress. I want to be submissive to someone who actually loves and cares about me. That last part is the hard part. I couldn't bring myself to open up like that with my last girlfriend because of how selfish and disrespectful she would be towards me. In Femdom porn these are usually considered good things, but it's not what I want. I was afraid that if I tried to open up and be submissive for her that her selfishness would cause her to take advantage and that she would trample all over me to get what she wants without thinking about what I might want or need. And now she broke up with me. (her line was "I'm not happy and I haven't been happy for a while) I wanted to wait and see if her selfish side would settle down over time, but now I'll never know. Maybe I should have opened up with her. Maybe if I had allowed her the chance to prove me fears wrong we would still be together. Or maybe not.

I've read numerous articles online about the whole femdom thing. The general consensus seems to be that women want masculine men. Women want men who treat them like women, and that if you are a guy in a relationship who is acting more feminine, that the woman won't be able to respect you and the relationship will be doomed to fail. They say that if you are into those kinds of things that you should join a club and keep your relationship and your kinks separate. (What kind of girl could respect a man who wants to be fisted up the ass?) But this is something that really bothers me! I want to be open with my girlfriend. I want a girlfriend who can accept me (and respect me) for me, kinks and all. But everyone seems to be telling me that it's impossible. Everything seems to tell me that I have to suppress my feminine side in order to have a meaningful loving relationship with a woman. It's as if to say feminine men have to be gay in order to have a loving relationship with another person, and here I am a straight guy with feminine tendencies looking for love and being told it's not possible.

I mentioned earlier my first ex's break up line "Your too messed up for me and I need someone a little more normal." This popped into my head recently after I came across a facebook post from her. Couple this with what those articles said about sharing your kinks with your girlfriend and about their respect for you and it's easy to see why I got a little depressed. My most recent girlfriend didn't show me a whole lot of respect in general (she isn't very respectful of anyone, it's kind of her personality) But what if this lack of respect towards me specifically is because I shared my kinks with her. I never got the chance to talk to her about it, though, because she broke up with me before I could bring it up with her. She was the only one I felt comfortable talking about my kinkier side with, and now she is gone. Hence why I am writing this now...