A lot of stuff I write about is the same guilt fest from two years ago, and much of it hasn't changed all that much, I might just post it to imagefap.

I do what I do and all this crap comes out!

White Goddess – Sexual experience, question is how, and go through with it (still haven't done it yet) I'll read that, and then I'm ashamed, I'll be in denial about it, but it'll come out again some time later. I'm incessantly writing notes and then hate what I've written afterwards. As if I should be other than how I am, rather than being able to accept it, self denial creeps in. But perhaps writing notes, art, porn all of it, is who I really am, and have always been, all of it, that is me! What is this ideal that I have to change into? That I have to somehow there's something wrong with who that is, and that I have to become something different. Something that I can't possibly become.

I was never the expectation, they created that for me. To me the expectation is an illusion, it simply never existed in the first place relative to what I always was, and I always was who and what I was. They get angry if they fool themselves with their own illusions of expectations

Stuff like this only comes out after a night session, and then I'm always shocked when I reread it and see it lying around (I call it writing in the moment now, it doesn't usually exist out side of that moment, it only makes sense in the moment, and feels in the moment). I want to hide and deny it. Don't let anybody see me looking at that sexy woman that passed me by even though I'm dying or at least feeling to have a gloat, and just soak her all in. And so it goes around and around between my head, my complex and my desires. This is an awful complex to have.

I instantly feel, don't let anybody see it, yet I have completely indulged and enjoyed the images and video media. I was once called a hypocrite for this, I don't feel that makes me a hypocrite, I feel like it makes me honest. I would be a hypocrite and a liar, if I denied any of its full expression for being there.

This is a load of crap really, if you put a drug in, would any sense come out?

And when it translates to the real thing it doesn't quite translate in the same way. Its not the same its different. I the video media I can hide behind a screen and imagine what ever I want to feel. I think a real person and body is not the same thing. Yet when the real thing appears, the real woman, there's no way to inteface with it, its ridiculous.

There was an interesting clip in a tv show once, “the woman said, what we do or why is important, but what ever it is, that energy has to go somewhere”, or something to that effect, I think that mean't something, that's perhaps why I wrote this, this is that energy what's been inside all these years finally going out there somewhere, whatever it was, or still maybe.