It will always be a part of who I was, who I am, it wasn't just connected to a habit, it was a part of my self I had to accept. I will always find it extraordinary when I look at the image of a couple or a woman in the act, I accept that.

These days its not as bad as it was, it may occur sparodically for an hour probably every other week now, not all night binging like it was in the past.

If you had Coca leaves in it natural raw state as a leaf it would probably have little effect on you. But you know the extract is very dangerous, cocaine etc, porn is a little like that, you only get pure sex, especially online these days. Without any of the other natural and balancing effect of a normal sexual relationship. For me, the bait was a promise of the fantasy of a certain woman I'm attracted to in the form of a white woman. But ultimately its never about the woman in the end, your just stuck in the cycle of the addiction to the sexual media. Your just addicted to pure sex, not even real sex, just sexual media.

A normal sexual relationship with any woman of colour is much better than porn, because like natural coca leaf, your getting everything that goes along with that, emotional content, communication, and everything else that goes along with being in a sexual relationship with a real woman. Porn on the other is more like cocaine, your just getting pure sex, and nothing else, without any of all the other balancing effects and consequences of and in a natural sexual relationship.

I am not on any reformist crusade on here, I've written my experience on many other platforms, and I wasn't allowed to publish the truth of my experience on those platforms, hence I thought I'd try to write it here. If I can't write the truth of who I am, then I have to leave that online community. And if I can't write the truth of who I've been, who am now relatively then what am I doing, the picture that's presented isn't wholistic, it isn't the truth.

I know many people who speak of simply getting back with the woman I was formerly with, but she didn't know who I was, and I certainly didn't know who I was, you cannot live a lie (for very long). I write these things now, and to future women who I was, so there are no secrets, and our relationship can start off on the right footing with the truth. This is all I want now with any future spouse black or white. After I've sorted out my life, know my self better, and have less issues with self loathing or love.

You know any relationship with someone else is never really going to work if your a wreck inside. Deep down when I was doing it, I was just feeling to my self, all I ever really wanted in those pictures and video's was that the woman that I was yearning for to love me.