I like to wank in front of a mirror, to see the stupid expression on my face and watch my fist as it pumps my cock. Women's masturbation is usually elegant; men's less so. Men look at their stupidest at the crucial moment where the need to cum transcends all discretion and they go for it all out. If you have an unsympathetic or detached observer at that moment, they're likely to compare you to a baboon. The first female to catch me masturbating was my older sister when she walked into the bathroom while I was on the job. “You look pretty dumb doing that and next time you should think of closing and locking the door,” she said crushingly. I put her attitude down to the fact that she was my sister and teenaged sisters are never a guy's greatest admirers. It's never stopped me wanting to masturbate in front of women but I have to admit that she had a point. Men don't look at their best when hunched over and beating their meat either with their tongues in or out. When I get the urge, my desire to wank in front of women – and my wife, fortunately is tolerant in this regard – is stronger than my fear of appearing ridiculous. There are things to do in order not to look too stupid if someone of either sex is watching. Be fully naked if possible, even if it's a risk. Avoid masturbating half dressed and never ever do it with your trousers at half staff or round your ankles which looks totally cretinous. Never wear a hat and still less a baseball cap, back to front or not. Remember that the uncontrollable need that made you want to wank in front of your wife, girlfriend, woman you flashed at in the park is followed by a downer once you've cum which leaves you especially vulnerable to unkind remarks. (I sometimes wonder whether my sister's husband wanks in front of her and if so whether he did it more than once.) So although my wife and other ladies have been accommodating in the matter of wanking me or watching, I sometimes like to retire for some privacy with just a mirror. My wife knows I wank on my own but she doesn't know about this. We have a big cheval mirror in the spare room that I can wank in front of standing up but I actually prefer to masturbate lying down. For that, I have to unhook a wall mirror and prop it up against something. I then actually quite like to forget my rules about trousers etc. and do it to myself looking as stupid as I like. There's a scene in a John Barth novel where a wife looks unnoticed through the window of her husband's den and sees him masturbating at his desk wearing his old scouts uniform and picking his nose. He never knew why but the marriage was never the same afterwards. I sometimes wonder whether, if the feminists get their way, self masturbation isn't the future for men and whether I'd mind. I don't think I would. My wife and I fuck less and less whereas I masturbate every day; it's not a pleasure but a necessity I'd never give up. I love being masturbated but I've never met a woman who could equal the way I masturbate myself. So if the feminists ever do succeed in driving men and women apart, I'd miss playing with tits but I think I'd be quite happy being manually self-sustaining.