At a recent party I was walking through the assembled partygoers. Naturally one overhears snippets of conversion. And I overheard this gem, "…then I caught of glimpse of some rather unpleasant porn". By the social and church standing of the two, I took it to mean that one woman saw some porn and found it distasteful simply because it was pornography. But upon later reflection I feel I may have judged too quickly.

It was that phrase "unpleasant porn" that stuck with me. Perhaps the speaker was fine with porn but merely saw something in this one that unsettled her. Perhaps the woman's feet waving in the air prominently displayed her Viga Spiga Embry shoes, which are so 2010. I got to wondering just what would "unpleasant porn" be? Therefore, in the manner of CNN reportage the following is a list of total speculation that I will present as fact.

Unpleasant Porn:
A sex scene in which moments before climax the man gets a Charlie horse cramp in his leg.

A girl on girl scene starring Whoopi Goldberg and Hilary Clinton.

An Army training film about STDs.

A mutual oral sex scene after the couple partook of a large meal of garlic and baked beans.

Missionary position sex featuring Emma Watson and John Goodman.

Anything with Kim Kardashian or Charlie Sheen.

A money shot that is merely small change.

Lingering close ups on stretch marks.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell in leather chaps and nothing else.

A gang-bang in which the female wears a crucifix and a WWJD bracelet.

A woman wearing a burqa having sex with circumcised men.

Instead of "Oh God" the woman keeps screaming "You're on my hair, you're on my hair."

1970's bush on the man as well as the woman.

A regular sex scene but the background music is a children's chorus singing "The Wheels On The Bus Go 'Round and 'Round".

The pimples on his butt spell out your name.

Male lead wears mismatched socks.

A scene involving the phrase "Look at all that mucus!"

Two words: Donald Trump

Two other words: Hugh Hefner

An amateur video starring your parents.

An amateur video starring your grandparents

Female lead drinks white wine during fellatio. Everyone knows it's red wine with beef.