I live 12,000 miles away from my girlfriend and have done for over a year. She is the sexiest girl I've ever known and is at the centre of most of my fap fantasies. We have shared in each other's deepest fantasies and used them in our love making many times.

When we first explored our erotic inner lives together, I found that, more than anything else, I wanted to hear about her experiences with other men. I never tired of hearing about the various ways she had been used by men, or the times she had used them back. I would be on top, looking for the optimal angle so that my cock and pubis would be pleasuring her g-spot and clit together, finding out the ways to make her cum. She would underneath, telling me wild stories of other men and other times. The time she went home with 2 squaddies and seduced them both in the hot tub. Or the night she spent as a stripper, waving her pussy in the face and lap of whichever lucky dude paid her for a private dance.

Her favourite role-play involved her old high-school music teacher who she had carried a torch for since developing an infatuation 10 years earlier. She has a kink for authority figures and loves the idea of being roughly screwed by a boss, or a teacher. We tended to combine our fantasies.

When we would decend into fantasy rather than real-life, we would turn each other on telling stories of threesomes with other men, or of just her and another man. Hearing her talk about having another dick in her mouth or up her ass would often tip me other the edge. Hearing me talking about it would have a similar effect on her. Post-coitally, as we lay there out of breath, wet with sweat and body fluids, one or the other would often say “we HAVE to have a threesome”.

After almost a year together she moved back home, to the other side of the world. We didn't have our threesome and we both expected to drift out of each other's lives eventually. But as the weeks passed, we found that we were still talking every day. We were both saying “I miss you” and “I love you” all of the time. And we discovered the joy of Skype sex. Twice weekly webcam sessions, rather than sex, became the forum of our mutual fatasising. And the fantasy stayed the same. Her with another man. The distance and the lack of sex amplified my erotic response to the fanstasies. I could close my eyes and picture her with another man and be erect within seconds. I would ask her about other men she knew just to add fuel to my fapping.

After a couple of months I began to encourage her to think seriously about being with other men. It would take a whole blog entry to explore all of my motives for this but the erotic motive was incredibly powerful. I loved the thought of her using another man for sex, being used herself. And I wanted her to tell me all about it. We talked about rules to stick to, to reduce the chances of heartache for either of us, we agreed to discuss it futher and come to a consensus about whether it was right, how it would happen and how we would deal with the aftermath. But before any of those conversations could happen, she got drunk at a University party and fucked her lecturer. A few times over the course of a weekend. And she felt guilty and confused and developed feelings for him quickly. My feelings were confused and eratic. A mix of sexual lust, desperation to have her back, regret over encouraging her actions and existential dread of life without the woman I love.

Communication between us became less regular and more argumentitive. We could both be more harsh in our tone, less supportive, more selfish. And after a few weeks the chat stopped altogether. I hated that I had became a negative part of her life and knew that I had to move on for my own good. A month or so later, she contacted me again. She missed me as much as I missed her. She wanted me back. But first, she had a confession. She hadn't stopped fucking her lecturer since tht first weekend until a few days ago.

My reaction? I wanted her back and I didn't care that she had been with someone else. In fact, I wanted to hear all about it. We skyped that night and I insisted she give me all of the details of her sex-life with the lecturer. I don't think I've ever cum so hard as when she told me about the first time they fucked, how her treated her rough, ripped off her clothes, rammed his cock in her mouth and eventually came in her pussy. I'm very turned on even now thinking about it.

We're still together, still half a world apart, still talking every day. And I still love her.

But we don't skype-fuck anymore. It became sad and her feelings for her lecturer were complicated and unresolved so it became something we could no longer mention.

So I'm here instead, checking out other women and their fantasies. Getting off over pictures and videos of other couples, searching for that thing that is now missing. Looking for connection.