When I started crossdressing and by that I mean everything including shaving my body, making my feet soft, makeup, wearing wigs, everything I could think of that women do to make themselves feminine, shapely and sexy, it was such a rush and I was excited about finally being me.  As a few years passed with me unable to be me except in my house with the blinds closed or the rare case of going out of town where I was Patricia in public, I dressed less and less.  Even in my house, as friends would come over or (since I'm always on call with my job) my boss or an emergency would inturrupt my girl time, I grew weary of having to change back to a man in a panic. Not only clothes and makeup, but, my way of being...  It takes me a couple of hours to transform my way of being into a woman after I transform my physical appearance.  Anyway, eventually I just stopped dressing (although I always wear panties to feel somewhat girly) stopped shaving, etc.  I noticed some of my male thought patterns returning, even when looking at shemale porn, I found myself wanting to fuck them instead of wanting to be them and I was okay with that, but, I started to become depressed and there was no joy in life that I could find.  Well, I started shaving my body again and dressing a little and I noticed that when I was dressed and maybe just a little makeup, I was at ease again. Even working on my home improvements felt better if I was in a dress or some other outfit, in fact anything I do feels better if I'm being a girl while doing it.  It feels natural and I feel complete that way and when I'm being a guy, there's something missing and life is unfulfilling.  I've found it to be so much of a contrast that now I'm in a delima, it seems that once I let my ex back into my life, even though I've told her and even dressed for her once.  She sees me as a man and treats me that way, listens me as a man and that calls me out to be a man, there's no space for me to be a woman...   Without me being aware of it, I've gone the other direction, my job is a "man's job", my image in my community is of a tough guy and most everyone I interact with  I automaticlly put on that persona/ way of being.  Of all these my ex seems to be the most influential as she is here much of the time when I'm free of the other roles I play.  Like I said before, I can and have dressed in front of her, but she doesn't like it, even though she says she knows she has to accept it. I'm an empath and I feel what others feel, so she cannot fake it with me, I feel her negative emotions and the only way I've found to not feel what others feel is to not be around them or, be a way that makes them feel "good" and therfore I feel "good" and with her, I have to be the guy she already knows for her to feel "good".  Shit!  I have started to depend on her for some things, so, I hesatate to get rid of her. especially because (in my programing) stuff like crossdressing is a luxury or even a perversion, so why would I trade a relationship for something like that? 

I'm "out" to 4 friends and my Mom, but, not anyone else and I live in a very small town (around 450 people) that's 70+ miles to anywhere I can be me in public.  I don't mean a club or bar, just where I would go if I was there as a guy like various shopping and other regular life stuff.  I've just about come to the conclusion that the only way to express my feminen self is to go to Portland for half the year and be Patricia while I'm there.  Cuz, if I ever expect to find a mate, I'm gonna have to be able to go on dates and that won't work if I don't have the time to change my way of being. The best would be to live full time or at least 2/3 of the time as a woman.

I suppose why I'm writing this is just to get it out of my head, so I can decide what to do.