i did it!

i didn't need to work my way up to a thick one, i actually stick things up my back door all the time, so, as i had planned i bought the thickest butt plug there.

i decided to use vasaline, i don't know why, it just smells a little and makes me feel dirty. also it works really well.

it did take me about a half an hour to work it in... first the tip, then the thickest part, then the thinner part. once it is in. it stays in,  but it's really hard to get it in and out!

it definitely made me walk funny at work, and i was sweating and imagining that people could tell, could maybe see the base of it causing a bump in the back of my skirt, and perhaps they could. i do feel like i got some stares, both from the customers and from my coworkers, and i was really sure my manager, who is an older gentleman, was staring at me for awhile. there's no telling, and no one said anything. i was sweating from the shame of it and fear of being found out, especially when i dropped a package of coffee stirs and had to bend over to get them... luckily no one was behind me... if they had been my naked ass with the giant butt plug would have been esposed. 

every break i had to go to the restroom to masturbate. i was secretly wishing that someone would catch me to really humiliate me. that's what i thought about while i was touching myself, and that's what i am thinking about now, but also that someone at work reads this, sees my picture, and tells everybody.

 i truly can't afford to be fired, but i am addicted to this shame... it feels so good.

yes the butt plug really hurt all day, and i smelled too, because of the vasaline. i smelled like vasaline and poo. it was very difficult to get the plug out when i cot home, and i immediately pooped in my litter box, so now there are too in there, and i am going to change it.

right now, i am doing a little self harm and masturbating. i have a very sore anus from the huge plug and i have my knees up so i can reach it. i am poking it with a very sharp needle... it's awful, it feels terrible, but when i imagine that i can't stop (which is half true, actually) i really get excited, like a rush that makes me dizzy and breathless and the shame makes me wet and makes my nipples and clitoris swell, and i feel my pulsing blood and i want to be fucked so bad..... i'm sticking the needle pretty far in. i'm puncturing this poor anus of mine  pretty deeply...

i want more suggestions too.. tell me what to do and i'll do it. how will i embarrass myself? whow will i get closer to my goal of being raped?