Carly: You know what John Lennon always said.
Shawn Colfax: No, I don't. I'm not in my fifties. I could ask my dad though.
[smiling]
Carly: Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

Nick Brady: I'm too straight to be gay. I could suck knob and still be straight. I could have one in my mouth and two in each hand and still win a straight award.

Nick Brady: I could be watching a Project Runway marathon with Nathan Lane under my dress and STILL win a straight award!

Nick Brady: [reading her nametag] Diora? I believe that's Italian for 'beautiful princess'.
Diora: No.
Nick Brady: Well it should be, I'm calling the dictionary people.

Nick Brady: [trying to talk his way out of football camp] So not only yesterday do I find out I'm adopted. The people I've been calling "Mom" and "Dad" are actually two infertile impostors who bought me outside of a meth clinic in Cincinatti for two boxes of Sudafed, but I also get this news dropped on me - my birth father, Bruce... well he needs a kidney and I'm the only match and apparently Bruce needs it "stat". Mmm-hmm. You need it stat, Bruce? Huh? Well maybe I needed a father stat instead of my stay-at-home dad who showers me with love everyday of his life, this goddamn spermless liar!
[pause]
Nick Brady: So now I have to be at Kaiser Permanente at 6 a.m. tomorrow. I know, Bruce couldn't even afford a real hospital... managed care. Ironic, isn't it? He never *managed* to care for me.

Nick Brady: How'd you two crazy kids meet, Rick?
Dr. Rick: It's a funny story actually. Our parents knew each other from way back... and they introduced us.
Shawn Colfax: Whoo. Not that funny a story. Not even a story really, just like a fact.

Nick Brady: Mopey, I'm talking to you. You've been sitting out here staring into space for like two hours.
Shawn Colfax: [checks watch] It's been five minutes.
Nick Brady: Really? That was five minutes? Wow, I guess I really do suck in bed.

Nick Brady: What makes this girl so great, bro?
Shawn Colfax: I don't know, there's just something about her. You know, when she bumped into me on the bus. Or, uh, when I saw her reading that book. She orders pudding for dessert.
Nick Brady: OK, now you're just listing things that people do.
Shawn Colfax: No I'm not!... Sometimes she writes with a pencil.