I am a bit of a complicated person. If I was to ever fully and honestly open up to a pychologist than they would have a field day with me. I have been addicted to internet pornography for a very long time and this has led to some difficulties in maintaining real world relationships. It has never presented itself as an outside problem but my desires that are connected with both the internet hinder being satisfied in a normal relationship. I have no figured I would be much more content being single and free to do as I please. 

On the outside I present myself as a normal straight male. I have normal friendships and relationships and almost everyone knows me as such. In private or in my head I often think of myself as a girl. My chat room screen names are of women, my avatars present me as such, and I often like to assume the role of the women in chats about sexual situations. Often I attempt to tell the other party I am a male, or at least let them assume I am transgendered.

I have crossdressed, I always crossdream. I don't consider myself a full on crossdresser as much of my time right now does not permit it. Attempting to balance two different lives is a chore and since I am totally discreet I would rather my private activities never surface into my personal life. Once I have more privacy in my life to devote to such things than I am sure I will.

I also live a life of a straight male, but I have often questioned it. I have had sex with men. One a few occassions since 2004 I have been with gay or bi males. But I am not attracted to men physically like I am women. I am often so nervous about engaging with the same sex that often times I talk myself out of it. The times when I did, I would often be the receiptent of a blowjob, or engage in mutual masturbation. I have let a few men fuck me before. I love anal stimulation and since I started masturbating I have always used either fingers or toys to stimulate my ass. But I have never sucked a cock to completion. The idea of cum in my mouth or on my face excites me until it becomes a possible reality. Even to this day I have not been able to fully allow myself to even taste anytime besides my own precum. When I do work myself up to the point of eating my own, I often lose it the second I ejaculate. 

Part of the reason I enjoy living my fantasies out online is that I can become anyone I want to be. Unlike in my real life where I am always assuming the straight man role. I like to have conversations with other men and sometimes they either believe me to be a real girl or a dedicated crossdresser. But even though I enjoy being the female there are times where I wish I was conversating with a man who knew I was a man and we could talk about fetishes, pornography, or anything else that excites us. I'm open to almost all kinds of conversation. Often times I find that I do get approached online by people I would rather not talk to. I prefer meeting other's from English speaking orgins.

I also have developed a doll fetish. I have seen a few pictures and videos of the lifelike real dolls. I wish I was able to afford one because I think I would rather have sex with one of them than deal with the complications that real women bring. The last few times I have have sex with women in my life I have found myself bored. My erections don't get as hard as they do alone. I relate this to my porn addictions. I can give up real women quicker than I can give up porn.

I love to masturbate. It has been my biggest hobby since I started. Anal masturbation is also a very stimulating experience for me. I have owned several dildos over the years and I loved using them. I had to give up my toys a few years ago due to being in a standard relationship with a woman. Now single I wish I never did give them up. I have been using fingers since the beginning but that just doesn't fulfill me like a toy does. Just the other day I had a very intense session using my hand. I've always dreamed about self fisting and I am now able to get four fingers in. It left my legs shaking for a good half hour after I got dressed.  

I do still prefer looking at porn involving women. Pornstars, amatuer teens, big breasts, small breasts, thick or skinny girls it doesn't matter. Girls dressed in thigh highs, or stockings of any kind is a huge turn on for me. I have found myself at a few times looking at gay porn videos but it's not exactly the type of thing I seek on a regular basis. When it comes to man on man sex either in porn or in real life I prefer older/younger. All of the guys I have been with in real life where over the age of 40 while I was in my 20's. With that said, shemale or transexual porn has been my favorite source of go to porn videos as of late. Combining the beauty of a woman with the cock of a man is truly the best of both worlds. I do enjoy crossdressing porn as well but seeing an old guy wearing his wife's panties is not stimulating. I prefer looking at the feminine "traps". Mostly it is the connection of how I would like to view myself. I don't have the most masculine build personally.

Hentai is also another one of my fetishes. I don't know all the source material or am engrained into my the culture but for as long as I can remember seeing a beautiful toon has been very exciting. I appriciate art so seeing 2d images of these animated beauties in colored hair being screwed or screwing themselves has always led to to some fun sessions alone.

I enjoy conversations about these things I have just touched on. Amongst other things that I will not elaborate on right now but my perversions can run from mild to wild with a little coaxing. I enjoy discussing fantasies with other men and hopefully finding a way for us to both cum from them. I don't consider myself a roleplayer or cyber sex person and often times I find it hard to get into unless the topic and person is interesting. But giving the right circumstances I may be able to dig into my creative side and at least make it a fun time. But normal conversations about what we enjoy or what we would like to try get me even more excited.

The internet has forged my brain and opened me up to things that most normal people wouldn't think about. My porn surfing habits consume much of my free time and like I said earlier I would prefer that over a normal relationship. I don't mind being who I am because I am happy with it.

Thank you to those who have read my confession.