I hope other's will post this on their blog too in memory of Prom Lover who died last July (https://www.facebook.com/LISAKIMHoulder/posts/347864188677179), so that her message can continue to be heard.

From Prom Lover's blog posted on June 18, 2011 (http://www.imagefap.com/blogcomments.php?topicid=24539):

Let's talk about RAPE.

RAPE - It is something that happens to other people. We read about it in the newspaper, see reports of it on the TV, but once read or seen we move onto the next item of news. We dismiss it, forget about it. Yes, at the time of reading it or seeing it we may think "oh how awful" or "poor thing" but because it isn’t happening to us we can’t even begin to understand how it must affect someone’s else’s life, so it is easier to just dismiss it as just another tragic event. It happens.

RAPE - You are the victim, the one it has happened to. It envelops your whole world. Your world turns into a living hell. There are no words strong enough to describe the way it makes you feel. You are locked in a nightmare that seems to have little relevance to the outside world. It is your body that has been violated. Your mind that has been tortured. Where do you start to try and explain it to someone who has no real perception of the depth of physical and psychological abuse you have suffered.

RAPE - What an ugly word. My dictionary defines it as ravishing or violation of a person, taking by force. Technically the law defines it as intercourse where the man has to have ejaculated inside of the woman without her consent. Although there are within the British legal system varying degrees of rape, the one I am referring to is indeed the typical non consensual, forced subjection of a male upon a female for his own pleasure or needs, outside of a relationship.  

Hi my name is Kim, I was only 16 when I was violently raped and beaten.

Today at the age of 19 I try to challenge anybody who fantasise about rape, to show them the reality from fantasy. I must say it’s very hard and can be upsetting at times and to my despair, does not always have a positive outcome.

 I am pleased to tell you that the majority of sites do remove them.

To them I would like to say a big thank you xx.

What you are about to read about me is not a story, It is a factual account of events leading up to, during, and after my rape as accurate as I can remember, some of which is uplifted from a police statement that I made. Please be warned, some of this is just horrid and evil.

I  need you to understand that I have not done this for sympathy, or to lecture anybody, I have done it to help you see the true meaning of rape in the hope that it might open your eyes to the pain that goes with it for years after this evil act. 

I have also included a link to a picture of myself in hospital the day after the attack.

This account is so graphic it had to be written over 3 sessions as I could not complete it in 1, it was to upsetting and mentally exhausting for me.

I would also like you to know that I do not blame or hate men for my attack.

Thank god for men!

"Ow gosh this is going to me hard for me"

LEADING UP TO THE RAPE

I have known my attacker for 3 years prior to the rape. He seemed a nice ordinary guy, he was tall about 6 feet 3inch 220 pounds very large frame and fit. I have always been kind and polite to him as I am with everyone I meet but it was always in a mixed group of people.

On this occasion I was at a party (Friends Birthday) with the normal crowd.

I was wearing a Royal blue satin like party dress below the knee A line so not figure hugging or proactive but very pretty, matching shoes and a long matching ribbon in my hair that kept my pony tail in check.

We all danced and yes I had some drink maybe 3 bottles of Bacardi breezier a kind of fruit drink about 5% however I was not drunk just happy.

At 11pm ish I was tired and wanted to go home I lived about a 10 min walk away, my brother was going to pick me up in his car but his mobile phone would not connect I decided to walk home alone as everyone way partying, it was a lovely warm summer night and I did not want to ruin their evening.

I said my goodbyes and just reached the end of the footpath when my attacker run up to me, He asked me if I would like him to walk me home, I excepted, I was a little relived, I was a little scared of walking alone, we walked and chatted about the party and then the subject turned to holidays, he seemed very nice and sweet, I felt safe and comfortable with him.

We were in an ally Just behind a sports centre 4 min from my home that’s when it happened.

A hand went over my mouth another round my arm and waist. I was lifted off my feet and carried about 6 meters from the footpath to a grass ditch just behind a sports centre.

I kicked into the air and screamed but I was like a rag doll I never felt such strength before. I was terrified, what was happening, where was my escort. I was forced to the ground and rolled over, this was when I had the first glimpse of my attacker, it was my escort…… and so it began..........

While he sat on me his legs pinning my arms, with his hand over my mouth, his other hand mauling my breasts through my dress, his eyes and face full of hate in the small light behind the centre he told me,

I was a stuck up slut!, This is what I wanted!, I was a F***ing Pr**K teaser!,

A F***ing whore and tonight!, ......

“Was my lucky night!!!!!”

I begged him to stop, I tried to reason with him, I just used 2 words over and over,

"Please & No".

I remember I started to cry I could not believe this was happening to me, To Me!, OW GOD NO!, I recall looking towards the ally path praying to see someone, anyone who could help me but their was no one.

THE RAPE 

He pulled down and ripped the top of my dress and bra to expose my breasts, he then spat in my face, I recall begging him again, I was so scared, I remember saying "Please don't hurt me" over and over again, but he just smiled.

It was then that I knew I was in real danger.

I tried to escape and struggled with him, I tried everything, I used all my strength, but it was no good, he was to strong and to heavy.

Looking back now I honestly believe he enjoyed this part of the attack, watching the fear in my face.

Finally I broke one arm free, and I scratched his face on the cheek with my finger nails as hard as I could.

This enraged him!.

His response was a barrage of heavy punches to my face shouting,

      "F***ING BITCH".

I tried to shild my face with my arm but the punches kept hitting me on the jaw and nose, he must of knocked me out because when I came too he was inside me pulling my hair hard, grunting like an animal.

Everything was blurred, my face was on fire my body hurt with every thrust of his body, he started licking and biting my breasts, all the time making degrading comments about me.

I started to cry again, it was more of a whimper, I was terrified,thoughts start to run through your head."Would I die here tonight, Is he going to kill me" I  lost control and started to scream again!

He tried to cover my mouth with his hand again, but I shook my head so I could continue to scream, Someone must hear me! Someone would come! Someone would save me!.

I  was silenced by more punches to the face, again, and again, they seem to come from everywere.

When they stopped I felt so dizzy & sick, I think I was drifting in and out of consciousness.

I could not see properly.

All I could hear was a ringing in my ears, his hand kept crushing my cheeks of my face and shaking my head, Putting his fingers in my mouth?, he grabbed my ankles and through my legs over his shoulders, and proceeded to rape me again, God it hurt!.

All the pain went, all the fear went, it was if my soul had left my body, I disconnected from it, I can’t explain it in detail, I could hear him but he was distant a long way away.

It was like a dream, I was floating, like being weightless, the strangest thing I have ever experienced in my short life.

I must say if death is like that it was peaceful & calm. 

I have no idea how long he raped me for after that or what he did to me, I have no recollection or memory from this point, all I can say is I was beaten, Physically and mentally.

I had left my body, it was his to do whatever he wanted,................

Old carefree Kim was gone, from this moment my life would change forever.

AFTER THE RAPE 

I was brought back to reality by the sound of dogs barking, shouting, torches, voices, someone stroking my head very gently, it was a woman, she and her husband were walking their dogs, they had disturbed him and found me. 

I remember opening an eye slightly, it hurt to do it, I could just make out a person, a woman, not him, Ow god it was like a rush. Intense Pain and panic filled my head and I screamed and screamed and sobbed.

It felt like a year had passed in a second, my sense of time was messed up, it was summer but I was shaking, cold, so cold, I remember being violently sick, chocking on blood and vomit as I could not open my mouth properly.

I tried to open both my eyes but i could not, I started to have a massive panic attack, I could not regulate my breathing, I was so frightened, the woman who found me held my hand all the time.

(God Bless you Pamela! I will never forget what you did for me, and your soft kind words, I know I could not talk to you however I could hear every word that you said, I will remember it for the rest of my life xx)

Then bright lights, noises, sirens, uniforms, lots of people and then pain, just pain.

I’ve never felt such pain. Pain from inside outside. I was drifting in and out of consciousness sobbing uncontrollably, I recall men talking to me, I still could not respond, I must have passed out completely again because I woke in hospital with a policewoman beside me with my mother, my brother, and a nurse the following day.

My mother would not stop crying! I am told my brother left the hospital in a rage to find my attacker on some kind of revenge mission before the police did.

My body was broken,

I could not breathe properly, or see properly, I was on oxygen, My face was very swollen, I had pipes and drips going in and out of me, It was hard to speak, My eyes would not open, I was covered in external bruises and cuts. I also had a broken jaw, a broken nose, 2 black eyes, concussion, broken tooth a fractured wrist, split lip, bruised ribs, down below I had 3 stitches in my vagina, internal bruising, and bleeding. I also had HIV tests and was given an anti pregnancy pill.

You see i was still a virgin before the attack.

(Please follow the link below to see me in hospital the day after my attack)

https://skydrive.live.com/?cid=bfc5ab8b3355e70b&sc=photos#!/?cid=BFC5AB8B3355E70B&id=BFC5AB8B3355E70B%21248&sc=photos!cid=BFC5AB8B3355E70B&id=BFC5AB8B3355E70B%21246&sc=photos 

I was released from hospital 2 weeks later only to be found by my mother slumped on the floor the next day in the living room staring into space where I had urinated myself, you see I thought I saw him in my house. I was still in shock they told me later however I am sure I had a complete mental breakdown.

That day I was admitted back to hospital by my doctor for (mental issues) for 3 weeks. I saw a psychiatrist, and councillors. Slowly they put me mentaly back together the best they could but my self confidence was shattered.

Then comes the blame, was it me? did I say something?, Give him the wrong signal?, provoked him? you go over these questions in your mind again and again despratly trying to find something, anything to make sence of why he did this to me.

At night, I would wake up screaming and kicking, he was on top of me, rapeing me again and again, It was like a recording, I went through this for months, I am ashamed to say my mother had to cover the mattress with a rubber bed sheet as I would urinate myself quite often while asleep during one of these horrid dreams. Just so degrading for me!

I wanted to die and at one point and thought about an overdose of pain killers, (maybe it would make the pain go away for good).

I did find some comfort in religion from our local priest Father Mackenzie who my mother had contacted, he came to our home and helped  me to find god for help, love, support and comfort.

However my life as a girl went through "Changes",

I had to bath 3 times a day, every day, I could not feel clean, In the early days I would scrub my skin till it was saw.

I had no sexual feelings "Nothing"  My periods became iregular "stress they told me"

I would not wear dresses or skirts.

I would not wear makeup, No perfume, and I tried to look plain, blend into the background.

Unnoticed, Unattractive, Undesirable.

I would also hideaway in my bed room at home, binge drink vodka, and cry. I think this was my lowest point.

I felt worthless.

I used to close my eyes and create a make-believe world where I could go to, It was safe, my most secret place, It was a beautiful warm small island with a waterfall in the middle, I would sit beside it for hours, it was so pretty.

I was always alone, no one could get me here, no one.

I also listened to music, soft calm music, I found myself drawn to 1 song in particular, it made me drift to my island, I will tell you about that song later!

It's strange, my friends drifted away also, no one called me, no one would speak to me except Sarah "my best friend", she spent more time with me at my home than she did it hers, I'm not angry with them, I think they just did not know what to say and I so get that.

My attacker was arrested the day following the attack and placed in custody; I was told that he cried when they took him. I just feel sorry for his family, how awful for all of them.

I have to say the police were very gentle and understanding and even at court everyone was kind and supportive.

The trial was so hard, I had to look at "it" standing there, time after time.

I broke down in tears and had to leave the court room many times, especially when prosecution presented my dress from that night as evidence, "I did not know they had it" dirty, torn, bloody, sick stained. You see when I was found I am told I was still wearing my dress, well what was left of it, the police must have removed it at the hospital but I have no memory of that. 

I still see that image in my mind today.

My family found it hard to cope with their anger inside and outside the court room and it tore my friends apart when the details of my attack was made known.

After the trial the police tried to return some personal effects they found at the scene of my rape, my blue shoes, my hand bag, an earring, my neck chain, a blue ribbon from my hair.

I could not take them, it was awful, it all felt dirty somehow. 

So much sadness, so much pain, for all involved, just horrid and ugly.

My attacker was found guilty and sentenced to 5 years in prison.

I am told he has been reformed and in 1 year he could be released his debt to society paid.

God I do hope so!.

3 YEARS AFTER THE RAPE

Here we are, today it’s still hard.

The demon’s still come at night, dreams, but not so bad now you see I have medication that helps.

I am still frightened to go out alone so I always keep within a female group.

I  also have flashbacks if I see a guy that looks like him or if someone touches me unexpectedly from behind.

I have been known to freeze on the spot if this happens and shake.

My friends are very protective if we go out where there is any male interaction, Clubs etc,

I am still healing mentaly however Ive started wearing make up again, doing my hair, buying pretty clothes and trying to making myself look feminine and feel attractive again.

I am getting there slowly. I now know that this was not my fault. 

I have never written down these events like this before for a stranger to read.

It has been to too painful and humiliating for me, as I’m writing this for you I’m shaking with tears running down my face!

SO WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS ?

Well you see I’m hoping it will in some small way help you the reader to have a greater understanding and insight into how rape can effect real lives, to show you the REALITY of RAPE from the FANTISY, so that next time anyone jokes about it, or says she asked for it, or if you come across the sick pretend rape videos & pic's rather than laugh, you may remember me, remember my pain, remember how long it can take to recover from this type of attack, because maybe, just maybe, I could have been your daughter, your girlfriend, or your sister.

PLEASE HELP ME!

Male or Female, Rapist or victim,................  Rape ruins lives!

Thank you!. xxxx

I would like to unreservedly thank from the bottom of my heart the following people and services who helped me recover from this unspeakable evil and cruelty

Mum & Dad, I love you so much xx!, My Family xx, Sarah xx, Mr & Mrs Curtis xx, The ambulance crew xx, PC Tale xx, All doctors, Nurses, psychiatrists, and councillors xx, Father Mackenzie xx, Court staff, CPS, and anyone who has supported me over the last 3 years including my friends from Image Fap xx

Finally, I would like to share a music track with you, I listened to this song over and over as it kind of summed up how I felt during the early days of my recovery period and gave me strength.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hx4RsCfL_fA

If you are a victim of rape and are in the UK you can speak to Rape Crisis their link is http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/  or if you are in the USA you can speak to Rainn their link is http://www.rainn.org/ 

Or if you prefer I can just listen and be there for you.

Thank you for your time to read about me!,

God Bless, Lots of love, Take care always! 

xxKim xx

Summary Statistics

• Available data suggests that nearly one in four women worldwide may experience sexual violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime (WHO, 2002).  
• At least 47,000 adult women are raped every year in the UK (BCS 2001).
• Since the age of 16, 5% of women in the UK have been raped (BCS 2001).
• There are increasing numbers of young victims of rape aged under 20-years-old (Kelly, Lovett, and Regan, 2005).
• 40% of young people know girls whose boyfriends have coerced or pressurised them to have sex (EVAW, 2006).

• The majority of perpetrators are known to the victim (Kelly, Lovett, and Regan, 2005).
• In 85.7% of recorded rape crimes the suspect was known to the victim or identified following investigation (HMCPS & HMIC, 2007).
• Women are most likely to be sexually attacked by men they know in some way, most often partners (32%) or acquaintances (22%) (AIUK 2007).

• There has been a progressive increase in the number of rapes reported to the police for more than 20 years (HMCPS & HMIC, 2007):
• 2001/02: 9,734 rapes were reported

• 2005/06: 13,712 rapes were reported
• The above figures represent an increase of 40.9%.
• Research suggests between 75-95% of rapes are never reported to the police (HMCPS & HMIC, 2007).
• 40% of those who suffered rape in the 2001 BCS had told no-one about it (OCJR, 2006).
• Overall, research suggests the rate of false allegations of rape are no higher than those of other crimes (Kelly, Lovett, and Regan, 2005).
• A recent study in the UK found 8% of cases reported to the police were designated ‘false’ reports. However, internal police rules specify that only cases where either there is a strong and credible admission by the complainants, or where there are strong evidential grounds, should be classified as ‘false’. Further investigation of this figure of 8% found that only 3% of cases designated false fell within the police categories of ‘probable’ and ‘possible’ false allegations (as opposed to additionally those classed as ‘uncertain’). (Kelly, Lovett, and Regan, 2005).
• There is an over-estimation of the scale of false allegations by police and prosecutors and subjective judgements are still being made about victims. This results in poor communication and loss of confidence between complainants and police (Kelly, Lovett, and Regan, 2005; HMCPS & HMIC, 2007).
• International research shows that, of the very small proportion of genuinely false allegations, in most cases there is no named offender (EVAW, 2007).

• The Sexual Offences Act 2003
• Statutory definition of consent: a defendant is guilty if:
• he intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person with his penis,
• the victim does not consent to the penetration, and
• he does not reasonably believe that the victim consents.
• Definition of consent: “a person consents if he agrees by choice, and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice”.
• The Government has recently consulted on the need for changes to the current law, in ‘Convicting Rapists and Protecting Victims – Justice for Victims of Rape’. The results of this consultation have not yet been published.

• The reporting rate of rape is increasing, but the conviction rate is diminishing. The ‘justice gap’ for victims of rape is therefore widening. (HMCPS & HMIC, 2007)
• UK conviction rates for rape (Kelly, Lovett, and Regan, 2005):

• Cases of rape are currently very difficult to prosecute successfully if the victim was intoxicated at the time of the attack, and there is a high chance of non-prosecution or acquittal for rape in these circumstances (HMCPS & HMIC, 2007).
• Conservative estimates indicate alcohol is involved in 34% of reported rape cases, and drugs in 12% of cases (Finch and Munroe, 2006).
• A recent study found 49.3% of rape cases reported to the police involved drugs and/or alcohol (alcohol being the primary intoxicant in the vast majority of cases). However, there were differences in the case sample: 59% of advice cases involved intoxicants and 39% of charged cases involved intoxicants.(HMCPS & HMIC, 2007). This suggests that alcohol use by victims influences police decision making
• Research suggests that jurors often take the view that it is 'reasonable' for a man to assume that silence represents sexual consent, even if the silence was due to the fact that the woman was totally intoxicated. Even in situations where the alcohol consumption was involuntary, jurors continue to hold the complainant responsible (Finch and Munroe, 2006).
• Research suggests the type of intoxicant involved in a rape case influences jurors’ decisions. In scenarios involving the ‘date rape drug’, Rohypnol, jurors are far less inclined to hold the rape complainant responsible for sexual intercourse than if the intoxicant was alcohol. This can be attributed to the fact that alcohol is more socially acceptable than drugs, and its use by men to ‘loosen’ up otherwise reluctant sexual partners has been normalised within society (Finch and Munroe, 2006).
• In 2005 the court case of R v Dougal (Swansea Crown Court) received wide-spread condemnation when the Judge directed the jury to enter a ‘not guilty’ verdict when the prosecution informed the judge it did not propose to proceed further because it was unable to prove that the complainant had not given consent because of her level of intoxication. The prosecuting counsel’s statement in Swansea Crown Court included the remark that “drunken consent is still consent”. The complainant stated that she could not remember whether she gave consent to sexual intercourse or not.

• Sexual Assault Referral Centres (SARCs) provide specialist medical treatment and counselling to victims of rape.
• There are only 15 SARCs in England and Wales, with three based in London. The other locations of SARCs are:
• Codnor, Derbyshire
• Dartford, Kent
• Durham
• Gwent
• Hampshire, Portsmouth
• Leicester
• Manchester
• Merthyr Tydfil, South Wales
• Northumbria
• Preston, Lancashire
• Walsall, West Midlands
• Swindon, Wiltshire
• 6 more SARCs are in development and funding is promised to bring the total to 30 by April 2008.
• Victims less likely to decline to complete the initial investigative process in an area where there is a SARC (Kelly, Lovett, and Regan, 2005).
• Rape Crisis centres offer long-term support to survivors of sexual violence, including women dealing with historic experiences, such as child or early adulthood sexual abuse.
• Due to decreases in funding, the number of rape crisis centres has been declining. Out of the 37 remaining rape crisis centres that are members of the Rape Crisis Network, compared to 68 in 1984, none have stable statutory finding, and six closed in the last three years due to funding problems.

• Young people’s attitudes (AIUK 2006):
• 27% think it is acceptable for a boy to 'expect to have sex with a girl' if the girl has been 'very flirtatious'.
• The same view is held by one in twelve (8%) of young people in the case of situations where a boy had 'spent a lot if time and money' on the girl.
• 11% think it is acceptable for a boy to expect to have sex if sexual activity had been initiated and the boy was 'really turned on'.
• In most cases more young men hold these views than young women.

• A study by Finch & Munroe (2006) of jury deliberations found:
• There is no consensus amongst jurors on the meaning of key terms used for deliberating whether a case constitutes rape. These terms are ‘freedom’, ‘capacity’ and ‘reasonableness’. Much is left in jury deliberations to interpretation and subjectivity. Jurors rely on questionable stereotypes in deliberations to afford leniency to the defendant.
• Some jurors believe a woman’s silence reasonably equates with sexual consent, and that physical force (and evidence of force) is a requisite of rape.
• The Sun Woman (2007) found four in five women believe rape would be taken less seriously if the victim was wearing a short skirt.
• The Sun Woman (2007) found 95% of people think the courts were failing rape victims, while 81% felt society's attitudes towards rape victims has deteriorated over the last ten years.

• In general, sexual violence has been a neglected area of research (WHO 2002).
• Research on the prevalence of rape in European countries only exists for nine countries (Kelly and Regan, 2001). The research findings are not consistent, due in part to variations in samples, methods etc (Regan and Kelly, 2003).

• European research on prevalence (summarised in Regan and Kelly, 2003):

Country

• Office for Criminal Justice Reform (OCJR) (2006) ‘Convicting Rapists and Protecting Victims – Justice for Victims of Rape. A consultation paper’.
• AIUK (2007) [Available online at http://www.amnesty.org.uk/content.asp?CategoryID=10309]
• British Crime Survey 2001 [Available online at http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/rds/bcs1.html]
• Coleman, K., Jansson, K., Kaiza, P., and Reed, E. (2007) ‘Homicides, Firearm Offences and Intimate Violence 2005/2006.’ Home Office Statistical Bulletin.
• End Violence Against Women campaign (EVAW) ICM survey (2006) [Available online at http://www.amnesty.org.uk/news_details.asp?NewsID=17165]
• End Violence Against Women (EVAW) (2007) ‘House of Lords Briefing: Anonymity for Defendants in Rape Cases.’ [Available to download athttp://www.endviolenceagainstwomen.org.uk]
• Finch, E., and Munroe, V.E. (2006) From Sobriety to Stupefaction: Intoxication & Jury Decision-Making in Rape Trials’ [RES-000-22-0328] [Available online atwww.esrcsocietytoday.ac.uk]
• HM Crown Prosecution Service Inspectorate (HMCPS) and HM Inspectorate of Constabulary (HMIC) (2007). ‘Without consent: A report on the joint review of the investigation and prosecution of rape offences’.
• ICM opinion poll commissioned by Amnesty International UK (2005) [Available to download at  http://www.amnesty.org.uk/news_details.asp?NewsID=16618]
• Kelly, L., Lovett, J., and Regan, L. (2005) ‘A gap or a chasm? Attrition in reported rape cases’. Child and Women Abuse Studies Unit. Home Office Research Study 293.
• Kelly, L. and Regan, L. (2001) ‘Rape: the forgotten issue? A European research and networking project.’ Child and Women Abuse Studies Unit, University of North London.
• Regan, L. and Kelly, L. (2003) ‘Rape: still a forgotten issue.’ Child and Women Abuse Studies Unit, London Metropolitan University.
• Sun Woman (2007), [available online at http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2006540007,00.html]
• WHO (2002) [Available online at http://www.who.int/violence_injury_prevention/violence/world_report/factsheets/en/index.html]