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    Why would this be any different? (A gem from fetlife)

    Why on earth do you think that this is different?

    by TiedUpandReady

    So you're new to all of this. You've been talking to a man who happens to be a dom. He asks you to meet and you agree. You then have the forsight to stipulate that there will be no sex on this first meeting. The dom then says "goodbye" and that's it. Interest over. You then decide to ask a group of strangers on the internet if you were in the right. Why? Disregard the D/s aspect of this situation. Put it to one side. Now imagine you were on an online dating site, totally vanilla. You arrange to meet a man, you stipulate that you won't be having sex with them on this first date. The man isn't too impressed with this and cuts off the contact. Now. Let me ask you a question. Would you then go around asking strangers if you were right to do this? Was refusing sex with a man you have never met, a good idea? I'm betting the answer you gave was a resounding no. You would be thinking that you had a lucky escape. Now let me ask you another question. Why do you think that just because the man called himself a dom, you need to question your decision? Even if you're ignorant to the ways of how all of this kinky shit works, surely you aren't THAT lacking in common sense to realise that yes, you were within your rights to refuse sex with a dom that you haven't submitted to. If not then seriously, in my opinion, you shouldn't be talking to them in the first place. What you should be doing is educating yourself. Reading and asking questions. Do you really think it's a good idea to abandon your common sense the moment you walk through the BDSM door? Do you really think it's a good idea to second guess decisions that you wouldn't hesitate over in the vanilla world? No? Then why the fuck do it? You're dealing with potentially dangerous stuff here. Now is not the time to throw caution to the wind and act like an idiot. If you had common sense in the vanilla world, bring it in with you.

    Here are some basics. Things you should already be aware of if you're talking to doms and shopping around for one.

    1) Until you submit to someone, you don't owe them anything. You don't owe them obedience you don't owe them sex you don't owe them exclusivity of your body, your submission or your conversation (Just because you're talking to one dom, does not mean you have to cease talking to all other ones.) you don't owe them nekkid photos of yourself you don't owe them ANYTHING that you aren't prepared to give and know you won't regret it at a later date.

    2) If after you've refused to do something to a d-type you haven't submitted to, that d-type comes out with If you were a real sub you'd do it Real subs aren't like that To be a real sub you HAVE to be into pain If you were a real sub, you'd obey me You then have a choice. You can either believe them, or you can do what everyone else does which is laugh at them and tell them to fuck off.

    3) Anyone who uses the terms True or Real when describing themselves or their ideal partner, on the whole, tends not to know what they're talking about. And you should restrain yourself from using them too. These words when used in a certain context aren't looked favourably upon.

    I'd also avoid falling into another trap. Newbie slave arrives, all turned on and fired up by the fantasy of totally surrendering to a master, declaring herself willing to be totally at the master's mercy, even to the point if letting him decide whether she lives or not. Now while this is a hot fantasy for many, it's clearly a fantasy, and yes there are actually people who want and live that fantasy. But let's dial back the confusing fantasy and reality for now eh? Declaring that you're not only new but want that kind of relationship is at best going to get you laughed at and people will avoid you because you're obviously going to be a danger. At worst it's going to attract some serious nut jobs and you could end up permanently harmed or even dead. If you're doing this sensibly (and lets be honest, why would you do it any other way), then you'll already know all of this. These are well established basics both in the BDSM world and in the vanilla world (Variations of). So why the hell should you forget them when talking to potential doms?! If you haven't educated yourself, prepared yourself then you're going to be in for one hell of a shock if you latch onto the first person who shows an interest in you. That's when the dangerous stuff happens. Do you really want to put yourself in a tricky situation just because you didn't bother to educate yourself and use the common sense you had when you turned up here? The same can be said for declaring you have no limits when you're a newbie. Someone will take you at your word and that's when trouble starts. My advice? Don't put yourself out there where because of your ignorance and lack of common sense, you're not only a danger to yourself but to others. Wait until you've learned a bit. Don't be eager for a D/s relationship that you dive straight into one based on the fact that they showed an interest in you.

    Seriously. You were born with a brain, use it.

     
      Posted on : Jul 26, 2013
     

     
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