So, I don't know if I posted this in my about me, but for a long while I have been going through some sort of depression. Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks and I just feel like dying. Most times, it's just a little amount of depression, and I can usually hold my own. Even though the day will pretty much suck.

 About a week ago, I rediscovered a site that I used to visit that is full of transgendered stories. I love reading them and I began reading one of my favorites. It was in 3 parts so I read 1 a day. By the end of it I was really contemplating my life and what I wanted to do. I emailed the author of the story telling her how much she inspired me, but haven't received any reply back yet. Anyways, it really got me thinking and wanting to better myself.

I am about 300lbs, and I am trying to lose it. I've been running/walking on a treadmill this past week and I am relatively pleased with how much I've done. Even though I only went on the tread 3 times this week, I went approximately 7.5 miles (Shooting for 10miles next week!). Each day I ran, I ended up feeling much better throughout the day, until the end of the day when boredom would generally sit in. The days I didn't exercise, I felt terrible. Actually tuesday was the firszt day I exercised and a little while afterwards I really felt terrible and that's where I really began thinking about what I want to do in the future.

 I am still in college, until the May of next year, so I am still not quite completely able to do everything I want. But after I am done, I would really like to ojust go on a vacation by myself and sort be myself and explore new things. It will also give me the chance to really focus on what I want to do. And that's where this blog really comes from.

 See, reading those stories really made me think about having SRS, or sexual reassignment surgery. I have been thinking a lot about, "what if I were to leave my home for a couple years, and come back completely different?" I am not saying I would like to have this done just to 'shock' a lot of people, but because maybe it's where I belong. Maybe it's where my future belongs. I know it's a huge decision to make, and it's probably a stupid idea to get it done just because I read a few fictional stories where that was the major theme, but I feel maybe it's the right thing to do.

Fortunately, I have a lot of time to think about this. Like I said, I am an often depressed individual. I live at home with my mom, sister, and step-dad (though I really don't talk to him much), and I know my mom senses some deep issues residing in me. But she's one of those parents who either doesn't want to fully acknowledge what's going on or doesn't want to interfere with my life. I want to tell her that I think I should begin seeing a psychiatrist, but I don't know how she'll handle that. We aren't a very wealthy family, though we do get by fairly decently. I just do know how much a psychiatrist would strain us. I don't know.

 I guess I just really need someone to talk with. Someone understanding and willing to help. I honestly can't talk to guys or friends about this because it might weird them out. So what I am asking for here, is for any woman, transgender, or perhaps someone going through SRS themselves. I could just really use some advice and help.

 Thanks to everyone who may have read through this. I don't have too many friends here, so anyone who took the time to read through this, I greatly appreciate it. I know you didn't have to read this but you did. So thank you, even if you don't leave a comment or whatever, I still appreciate the thought that you took the time out to read this. Anyways thank you all.