I'm 18, a manager on dairy farm, a cowboy. A man's man. Rough and tough and hard working. BUT!!!! I like things in my butt, i enjoy wearing women's clothes. What the fuck??????? i look at the hard cocks in the dirty magazines i buy. Oh shit something is wrong with me!!! In my spare time i drink, fuck girls, ride horses, a few times a bull just for fun. i can't be gay, can i??????? But what about the womens clothes?? The panties and nighties feel so nice. What is wrong with me????????? i just deal with it. Struggle with it. Sometimes mentally beat myself up. For years and years. Around 20 years actually.

i first married at 30. I confessed to her that i liked things in my butt and occassionally liked to wear women's clothing. She was pretty good about the butt thing. Did my ass a few times with a crude strap on dildo i bought. She bought me a nightie. Sexy lil lacey thing, did my makeup. i slept that way that night. i loved it. She didn't. So we never did that again.

The advent of the internet helped in some ways. She discovered BDSM. Procalimed she was submissive and was pretty sure i was Dominant LOL i tried to be dominant, honestly i did! Love makes you do stupid things. It wasn't long until she was onto me, and started having online Dominants. I didn't mind, pressure was off of me. Between the D/s and her mental problems i was needing a break. I wanted a divorce, but pride, trying to be a good ol midwestern farmer man that lived with one mate all my life stopped me. I don't think she ever cheated on me in real life. But did daily online with her playmates and Masters. Finally after nine years i moved out and started divorce proceedings.

So now i'm damn near 40. Still a dairy farmer, cowboy, though more in my mind than before. Not much call for horses in modern dairy farming, but still loved the life. Newly divorced, no kids, no alimony, but huge credit card debts, but still free. Free?????? i'm almost 40, like things up my butt and wear women's clothing more and more. Farmers and cowboys don't do that????? Or do they??? i got online. D/s, kinky stuff, bisexual sites. i researched and researched. By golly, you can like sex with both men and women!! i'll be dammed!! Crossdressing isn't that rare. Wow, who woulda thunked???? So i join some sites. Dating, BDSM, whatever i thought fit me. I've loved making women happy my whole life and decided i am submissive. i got that right. :) My first real life bisexual experience was with a couple. Dominant girlfriend with a submissive, well hung boyfriend. Oh my god it was heaven. They switched back and forth for hours. Him fucking me and sucking her dildo or vice versa. They both kissed me. He was a better kisser than her. It was wonderful. It was a one time thing though, which you run into alot on the internet, but i'm glad i did it!!! (she didn't like that i smoked) Never met them again.

But this was a pretty big turning point in my life actually. i accepted the fact that i am bisexual. Farmers and cowboys can enjoy sucking cock and getting buttfucked, of course it's still "good ol South Dakota" and i can't tell many people. But i was no longer ashamed of myself in my own mind. A big step in my book.

i started seeking more cock. On my weekends off i'd dress fem, shave, do my makeup and stay that all weekend if i didn't have to go anywhere or had visitors coming. i had a selection of dildos and would "gangbang" myself several times throughout those two days. Start with the small ones and work my way up. mmmmmmmmmmmmm good times. Real cock was hard to find i'm learning. Alot of big talkers and no shows. i had also learned(yeah i ignored a few of the women in real life that had made comments, no wonder i didn't have many second dates!) that i have a small penis and don't last long enough. GASP!!! Well me being the "make the best of what you got" kinda guy, i learned to love small penis humiliation. Then i met HER online.

Farmersonly.com. i'll find me a good woman there. i did. She was from Florida. A few emails, a few chats then a phone call. A longggggggggggggg phone call. i killed two cell phone batteries and my land line phone. 8 hours i think it was. She accepted everything i was!! I don't remember the exact timeline, but i think it was 3-4 months and she moved here to good ol South Dakota. It was nice. My cock still worked We had some problems but it was overall wonderful. But i could sense something was missing. i talked to her about it, and asked "am i enough for You?" "do you need/want other men" "i can deal with it, i love you so much i want you happy" Her reply was "be careful what you wish for, it might just come true". It didn't happen right away. We had some other problems, split for awhile, then back together. That is when i was introduced to chastity and cuckolding. By now a year had passed, my sex drive sucked, my stamina sucked. She needed more. i offered both i think if i remember right, but i think She was thinking it all along. Submissive, somewhat fem, perfect candidate :) To top it all off my penis appeared to be shrinking. So Mistress/Wife did what needed to be done. We got a chastity cage, shaved me everywhere but my arms, and i wore only panties except to Dr appointments and such. We loved it, awesome communication, total honesty, She was happy(except for being in this god forsaken state away from Her family). Eventually we split. She went back south. Broke my heart. She knows it. We're still friends if you can imagine that

After She left i was a mess. i drank alot, played my guitar every night singing the most depressing country songs i could find and getting drunk. This went on for maybe a month. Well i was still working 12+ hours a day too, cows don't stop for heartbreak. I came to the decision i had to move on, straighten out ya know? I threw away my girl clothes, panties, wig and makeup. I'm done with this shit! i'm a man dammit!!! I think i even tossed the dildos! i put ads on the internet. Found a local lady(in the same town even!). She was an incredibly horny widow, early 50's. She adored me, we had sex constantly(well when i could get it up) My stamina and desire actually surprised me. But, i was living a lie and she was a fucking nut! Example, well the worst one, while i was eating her she screamed "DAddy what the fuck are you doing??????????" Plus when she came she'd yell "daddy what is momma gonna say?". Well it turned out her dad DID fuck her, she was possessive as hell, and well a stalker too. But i got through it.

Well not too long after that i changed careers. Truck driver for a large grain/agronomy cooperative. Local hauling, home every night. Moved back to my hometown. The feelings come back. i want cock, i feel feminine. Fuck why did i throw all that stuff away??????? i start to buy more women's clothing, panties and bras especially. i put ads on Craigslist looking for men. i find some! One week i sucked five cocks and one fucked me too. Nice, i loved it. My feminine feelings are growing stronger. I start(again) without a Mistress, to wear panties everyday, all the time, except to Dr appointments and such. It grows, the feelings become stronger. I research, and research and research. i had a girlfriend for a few months. She was unhappy with my lack of desire, my stamina and my size. i offered her an open relationship. She denied. Then fucked alot of men behind my back. But was happy to keep me in chastity. (she later confessed she had never been loyal to any man she had ever been with). She hated my feminine side, but made me wear panties all the time. i dumped her, can't handle dishonesty. She's the last girl i had my penis in, i hate that because she was such a cunt to me, but i may have to live with it.

So it's 2010, i know i'm submissive, i know i'm bisexual and i know i love crossdressing and feeling more and more feminine. I'm accepting things more and more and better. I asked my lady friends questions. "what is the most feminine thing about me?" They all say "your personality". What??????? Yup, your personality. I had known alot of these ladies all my life. I had a wonderful young Dominant Woman, not a lifetime thing, but She was good. More talks with friends, research, digging in my feelings. 2011 was good, 2012 was good. i lost a few "friends" as i started to find the real me. But it's their loss.

In November 2012, the real me started therapy to help me figure out what to do. My desire: To get rid of my male hormones, while not taking so many female hormones that i don't look female. It seems so far at this writing, that my dreams can be attained, provided i pass the mental evaluations from my therapist. So far, after three sessions it seems promising. But ya know, even if it won't or doesn't work, i will be at peace because i tried.

Oh yeah, i now wear panties even to Dr appointments. I'm serious.

jonayla