orgasms,

so fraught.

for the first 37 years of my life, i had a ‘did i or didnt i?’ relationship to orgasms. i often had a feeling like i came close but was never sure. despite that missing piece i certainly enjoyed sex.

my forays into masturbation were fruitless. i would give up before even seeing a glimpse of an orgasm, my own touch is much less exciting than somebody elses and without that potential payoff, i just didnt see why it was worth bothering.

at some point, and, after years of listening to the hype, i caved and got a magic wand. i dont remember now what fueled this particular bout of exploration, but i immediately felt the difference.

when i hold the wand of the left side of my clit, (and usually i keep a piece of cloth between me and the wand to dull the sensation a little) i feel it register deep in my pelvis. i feel a tingling. it feels good.

but because of my history, i feel like i’m always jealously chasing my orgasms. i would love to be teased and denied but because i feel like they are scarce i relentlessly chase them down.

i am not living some sexual fantasy, i am not thinking of a story. sometimes my cunt feels empty and i picture fingers inside. sometimes i place myself at the last place i’ve come (assuming its not my couch)

eventually there come a point a no return, at some point when i am holding the wand on my clit, i can see the orgasm in my future, i see it down the hallway (that’s what i picture, a hallway and i’m running down the hallway) once that happens, i trust that it will happen and i try and relax a little, if i’m feeling adventurous i try and pull back and tease myself a little, bringing myself close and pulling back. i know if i do this, the orgasm will be more powerful, but i have had the experience that i miss the boat entirely so i don’t always do this.

i feel electricity shooting down my thighs, and, oh right, i’m clenching really hard the whole time. i find if i squeeze my pc muscle the orgasm comes more quickly so i squeeze and, in doing so, often hold my breath and contort my face, reminding myself the whole time to ‘relax’ and ‘breathe’. sometimes when i’m in this place i have to remind myself that i can move the wand. i get so fixated on ‘that perfect place’ i forget that it can feel good to move it around a little too. similarly, talking to me is distracting and, although in my fantasies, i am able to come with someones fingers or even cock inside me, for the most part it seems like an impossibility.

the tension builds and builds and eventually explodes through.

i picture a wave crashing. i picture my cervix contracting, i picture fireworks but seen from above, almost reminds me of a jellyfish swimming. my hips buck involuntarily (which incidentally, i love, i love that my body does this without me and was a revelation the first times i came). sometimes i squirt a little, sometimes i dont

the first one is the hardest to come by. usually when im at home masturbating i’ll start and somewhere after 5 i have to start rationing “ok, 1 more and i’ll stop”

i’ve had to just masturbate now, to make sure i didnt forget anything. i did forget how i move my hips to meet the wand, curl them up and rock them slightly. i cry out when i come; often just ‘ohh” but sometimes ‘motherfucker yeah”. tickles me when that happens.