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User 'wxhluyp'(profile here:http://www.imagefap.com/profile.php?user=wxhluyp) recently sent me a survery about cross-dressing, feminization and transgenderism, which I was very happy to answer.
S/he has very kindly allowed me to post my answers on my blog, to give an insight into my somewhat unsusual (certainly on IF at least) take on my own sexuality and my crossdressing.
Take it away!
1)
Has self-esteem, social anxiety, emasculation, a fear of matching up
to masculine role models, or a fear of homosexuality ever been a
problem or fear for you throughout your life?
I
was aware that I didn't fit masculine stereotypes when I was younger,
and I was slightly jealous of those who did...but as I got older I
realised that I didn't really aspire to them anyway. I was much
happier when I realised I could be attractive to others
without fitting a 'manly' archetype.
I
was never afraid of my homosexual desires, deciding pretty much as
soon as I had them that they were just as valid as my heterosexual
ones. I knew that some people didn't approve so I kept quiet with my
peers but in my own mind I knew that it was fine to feel the way I
did.
2)
How early in life do you you remember these themes being a fixation,
or being connected to arousal? (taking into account that at an early
age one will not likely recognise arousal).
I
started experiencing sexual desire quite early, around 12, and even
earlier I remember having a crush on my (male) best friend, although
I didn't recognise it for what it was. I just knew that I liked him
more than anyone else and wanted to be 'close'. I remember being
fascinated by powerful women and by the sexual power their clothes
and poses gave them. I wanted to have that kind of attraction for
everyone, to be desired; clothes seemed to be the key. I was very
fixated with my female classmates, and their school uniforms were a
big part of that, particularly their tights, socks and knickers (all
fetishes which have stayed with me my whole life).
3)
Is there a memorable event or theme from early in life which
corresponds to that which you are now aroused?
When
about 12/13, I saw the album cover (image
here:http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5jSxrw_VT8c/TgqBjFDuu3I/AAAAAAAAACk/JKlmbAGxDG4/s1600/cs+boys+cover.jpg)
of
Carly Simon's 'Boys In The Trees' and I think something definitely
clicked.
She
is so beautiful and powerful, pulling up her sexy stockings and
generally being a goddess. Of course, the album's title was also
quite provocative for a young boy who was experiencing attraction to
other boys...I remember creating (though not ever writing down) a
story based on the lyrics in which I was a young woman with many male
lovers.
I
wanted to be like her in the image, sexy and with power over the
viewer.
4)
Do you recognise that which you are aroused by, to have influenced a
fixation in general? Has it influenced how you relate to yourself or
your self-identity? Have you come to like it?
I
think my fetish for wanting to be like my female idols probably made
it easier for me to enjoy things like receiving anal sex, sex with
other crossdressers, costume play, acceptance of 'bent' genders (I
find muscular/bodybuilding woman very sexy, and more 'butch' women).
It also helped me become happier with myself when I realised I didn't
have to aspire to be the typical manly man.
5)
Do you think you idealize that which arouses you? (The idea of a
feminine self)
I
don't think so...at least, I am not aware of it. This may have
something to do with my opinions on gender roles (see below).
6)
Do you feel in idealization of a feminine self, that you have
alienated yourself from masculinity?
Not
really...I've always considered masculinity and femininity to be
meaningless, made up of a pick n' mix of traits which we arbitrarily
decide on...masculine is 'hard', feminine is 'soft', masculine is
'strong' feminine is 'weak', masculine is 'practical', feminine is
'beautiful' etc. etc. I like to be beautiful and strong and soft and
powerful all at different times, and what's always there is me. I
think in general I would like to be described as more feminine,
because I like the particular set of traits we have put under that
umbrella in the culture.
7)
Do you recognise that which you are aroused by, to be a sexualization
of a fear itself, or a sexualization of the fear of a suppressed
nature being exposed?
Not
fear exactly, but there are some similarities in what I enjoy. Since
I always associated femininity with being desired, I do get aroused
by being seen and having attention on my whilst 'dressed', whatever I
may be doing. Knowing that people are enjoying what they see and
being exposed in that way is very sexy for me.
I do enjoy a kind
of abuse/power play, being told I am dirty, or perverted, or being
called names but in this case it is much more about knowing my
partner is getting off on our sexual activities than feeling
humiliated.
8) Is the presence of femininity essential for
you to be aroused?
I definitely feel more sexy when
'dressed' and knowing that I look/feel feminine, for example having a
shaved/smooth body, no stubble, wearing makeup and
stockings...feeling sexy in myself increases the intensity and
fullness of sexual experiences, but its by no means essential. I
enjoy feelings associated with masculine and feminine characteristics
at different times- feeling in control, feeling submissive, feeling
strong, feeling weak, feeling cherished and loved, feeling
naughty...all of these make me happy during sex. Tenderness and
softness is as big a turn on for me as passion and power.
9)
Must an representation of yourself (as being subjected to femininity)
be present in order to be aroused? Or rather the presence of yourself
"being related to", in order to be aroused?
I'm
not sure I understand this question...I will try to answer as best I
can.
10)
In order to be aroused, must there necessarily be a presence of
social uneasiness or anxiety, regarding being thought of as feminine?
Must there be some presence of social stigma regarding femininity in
one way or another?
No...I
think this is where I differ from self-identifying 'sissy'
cross-dressers/transvestites...as I've mentioned before, I associate
looking/feeling feminine with sexual power and being desired, so if
I, for example, walked down the street wearing high heeled boots and
a short skirt, the idea that I was being desired by people would be
what I found most stimulating.
11)
Do you recognise the possibility of that in the event of
sexualization, the trauma of social anxiety may be obscured by
arousal, and that the social anxiety may only be recognisable in
typical public humiliation manifestations?
N/A
12)
Is the mode of self-subjected femininity always the female body? Is
there any other modes which you relate to oneself? Feminine sexual
orientation, peeing like a girl, dancing like a girl, feminine
handwriting, feminine clothes etc?
I
am and have always been bisexual, but I do enjoy feeling sometimes
like a straight girl or a lesbian, wanting sex with guys and girls
whilst feeling like a girl myself. I am a crossdresser of course, so
female clothes goes without saying...I am not interested in changing
my body or altering my personal habits, though, I am happy with who I
am. Also, having known many girls and women, I don't think there is
such as thing as doing something 'like a girl'...they all do things
differently, after all.
13)
Have you in the past, after ejaculation, when arousal subsides, have
you felt instantly indifferent to feminine articles?
No,
the love of the 'feminine' stays with me all the time – the style
of female clothing, female bodies and feeling ladylike is not just a
sexual thing, its aesthetic and social too.
14)
Do you recognise that you have progressively idealized feminine
facets in everyday life that is reminiscent to your fetishism?
Not
really...I suppose I am too grounded in my habits too change them
now! Also, I don't really think of femininity as being a separate
thing, or really anything more than an arbitrary set of ideas...I
don't think there is a feminine way to go shopping or brush your
teeth...someone might be an idea of how women do it, but its just
another stereotype.
15) Do you have any fetishistic
crossovers? Cuckolding, Baby fetishism, , Black Supremacy, Small
Penis Humiliation?
None
of the above mentioned...I've always found Black Supremacy in
particular to be a turn-off because of the racist/homophobic
undertones of the fetish.
I
do have a lot of fetishes, I think the ones mostly closely linked to
my crossdressing are...
*
Certain clothes – kneesocks, tights, stockings, cotton panites,
corsets, choker necklaces, anything with studs, long boots
(knee/thigh high)
*
Pegging – Being penetrated by a female partner with a strap
on...this often has a kind of dominance/power play element to it (see
question 7) which I enjoy.
*
'Shota' – A japanese-led fetish involving (usually) younger
men...this comes in several sub-fetishes...it can be homosexual (and
often incestuous) but I prefer a different type involving older and
more dominant women with younger, feminine (sometimes cross-dressing)
boys. My first experience with this was 'Boy Soprano' a long-running
comic in which Akira, a young man, is raised by his step-mother to be
a cross-dresser. He is enrolled in an all-girls school where he is
quickly 'outed' and more or less forced into perverse sex for the
pleasure of the lusty female pupils, who all enjoy his cute feminine
looks and dress.
*
Squirting/Bukkake/Watersports – I enjoy having girls and boys cum
on my face, and pee too...this is especially sexy when dressed up. I
associate this act with a intimacy and closeness.
*
Foot worship – Again related to socks, stockings and power-play
Although
I do enjoy both giving and receiving sex with other boys/men, I am
most aroused when the other party is either another cross-dresser or
female...I think this is probably for two reasons:
a) I find
feminine traits more attractive
b)
With a male partner there is always the risk of being seen as the
automatic 'sub' or 'bottom'...whilst I do enjoy being submissive,
only having one option in sex is no fun for me.
16)
Do you embrace that which arouses you, or do you try to distance
yourself from it?
I
always embrace what arouses me- I wouldn't always do it in real life,
but I feel no shame in admitting my own desires to myself
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As
a final point, I'd like to bring up the nasty undercurrent of a lot
of cross-dressing stuff I've seen, which is that femininity is
synonymous with weakness and inferiority.
Men
who cross-dress are seen as less (not just less manly, but less
worthy) than men who dress and act within social norms.
It
required a lot of bravery to come out like I did, and I'm proud of
who I am.
I
am no less of a man, even in full make up and high-heels, than anyone
else just because they put in a few hours at the gym, decided not to
shave and combined it with some kind of power complex.
A
so-called 'real man' who identifies as straight but is willing to put
their cock in another guy's asshole JUST SO LONG as they are dressed
like a woman...well, I think he has far more issues than I ever did
about my sexual desires.
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Please let me know what you think!
- BGB
Love,
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