If it weren't for some wondrously generous, imaginitive and thoughtful people on here... I don't think I would ever have seen so many layers in the idea of a fetish.  I did of course realise that if I spoke about it, it wouldn't be easy for someone else to understand unless they shared a 'very' similar fantasy.

I am conscious too that I write about my boyfriend in a somewhat 'bit-part player' way.  It is much more of an equal process than the way I describe it.  That is why I am really trying to develop my 'domme' side more.  It feeds into my fantasy anyway... but that is his thing, and I want it to be as good for him as it is for me.  One difficulty is that fem-dom is already such a well defined fetish.  There are already plenty of established uniforms for it.  The cat-suits, the fish-nets, the heels, the whips etc... There are also loads of standardised scripts.  The matronly orders, the giggling whipper, the insulting foot-domme, and so on.  I did find a series of video's on line that were impressive.  They are from someone called 'Inflagranti', and feature about a dozen different dommes, basically abusing the camera!  They have some really good facial expressions, and their voices are mostly really strident and nasty!  The trouble is, they're all in German... and I don't understand a word of it!

I have learnt from people here that there are clearly both light and dark sides to my fetish.  Among the light side are things like... the fact that we role-play.  It is playing after all.  I used to 'dress-up' as a kid... I still do!  Just as something else!  There is a lot of humour as well.  In some ways it resembles acting, not that we ever have a physical script... but we can miss our marks sometimes, props do go wrong (like the time I got nutted with a jar of marmalade!)... and of course, we're both human... so we cough, sneeze and belch at the wrong time ocassionally.  A lady never farts (even with her dead ass sticking up in the air).

There are also times when the 'story' takes on a life of it's own.  Like the time I was told with some vehemence that I would die for what I did at the convent.  Even as I struggled for my life, I was overwhelmed with curiosity at what exactly my vile deed had been.  It was a great line... but I had to 'break' character.  My poor boyfriend didn't know either because it was a spontaneous thought, so we had to make something up quickly before we carried on.  We sat there on the carpet for a few moments giggling over our increasingly bizarre notions for ridding the world of 'nunhood'.  Odd as it sounds... those few minutes were as satisfying as any others that we share.

There was also the time that we had the heating on too high for vigorous role-playing.  The story was another nazi interrogator one and required my wearing a full length leather coat.  I ended up being poisoned, which is one of the more drawn out ways to die.  It involves quite a lot of pleading, rolling about, dragging myself onto furniture and generally making a fuss.  By about half way through, I realised the heating needed turning down, because I was sweating quite a lot!  While a sheen of sweat on the brow looks good in your death throws... beads rolling down your back can get a bit uncomfortable.  I tried to come up with a contortion that would result in my removing my coat during my last minutes on earth... but nothing came to mind.  In the end, I died quite quickly, and lay there praying to be stripped and raped with some urgency.  Of all nights, my boyfriend decided to have a cool beer out of the fridge and study at his leisure the demise of this bitch.  Normally I would have loved this, but not that night.  I lay there in my pool of sweat... he sat there glugging ice cold beer!  In the end I went and showered, and we just shagged on the carpet.

The dark side comes from what I call character immersion.  Sometimes I am sooo ready to role-play, that I doubt anything could make me 'break' character.  Now I think about it, this probably happens more with a new idea or character.  I am working on one at the moment, and I'm already getting excited to try it.  This time my character is stupid rather than evil.  She is a 'ditzy' office girl who has been encouraged by a boyfriend to syphon off funds from her crime boss employer.  Unknown to her, her boss has discovered her thieving and she has to call at his house on the way home one night to deliver some papers.  She is invited in for a drink because the boss wants to talk to her about something important.  They talk normally for a while, and as he plies her with drink she gets more and more flirtatious.  He leans forward and runs the back of his finger over her silk blouse covered nipple.

Within a very little time, she has his cock in her mouth, and she does everything possible to pleasure him.  She is annoyingly excited.  Her 'silly' voice droning on about how she loves her job, and wants to 'work her way up' in the business.  Once she has made her boss cum, he accidentally knocks a drink over here, and she has to take a shower.  I'm not sure yet if it is a shower strangle, or perhaps being shot through the curtain... or something else.  I do know that she will learn before she dies that her boss knows what she did, and she will suffer a terrible sinking feeling in her stomach to know that this is her last night on earth.  She will kick out and fight of course... even though she knows her death is inevitable... and as she dies she becomes a symbol of her own greed and stupidity.

Fingers crossed for the weekend on this one! 

It is dark for me because of the feelings of fear and realisation that comes too late.  From her ambitions to be associated with rich powerful men, she will become just a piece of rubbish to be dumped and forgotten about.  One big difference is that I am thinking of her not having sex.  If she has no pleasure from the act (apart from feeding her own greed)... perhaps her death thoughts will be enhanced with darker feelings of being worth nothing in the end. 

The dark side can also emerge in my cruelty.  I am not above showing my victim my vagina and telling him this is as close as he will ever get to it (not true!).  Alternatively, I can equally 'squat and squirm' on his face (which can't be much closer).  I don't care if he suffocates, as long as I cum.  The sexual excitement definitely helps my character to feel her complete self absorbtion, and her particular brand of insanity.  I can say terrible things about anything I like... the possibilities are endless, and I can delight in the more taboo ones.  I can also force him to watch me masturbate while I tell him what he is missing.  I make up past sexual experiences and tell them to him... all the time looking at his face and building to my orgasm.

This character is quite deep for me because of her total absence of sympathy or empathy.  Her own desires and pleasure are her only thoughts.  She will eat and drink in front of him, and relish it.  She does all the talking because she has no interest in anything he might say.  She laughs at her own jokes, she tries on clothes and admires herself in the mirror, she even once lined up her collection of dildos and made him nod towards the one she should use.  If it's the wrong one, she throws it at him and makes him put it in his own mouth while she selects another one.  She does get pretty dark sometimes!  

GeeGee