Although my fantasies can seem quite straightforward.  I act the bitch, I get killed, my body gets abused... for me there is a lot more to it than that.  Some of the feelings I get are incredibly intense, so I thought I would make an attempt to describe them.

If I know my boyfriend and I are going to be having some fun later, I start thinking about what I am going to wear, what characters we will be (he has characters to!), and maybe the method he will use to kill me.  I try not to be too prescriptive these days, because I want him to do what he likes.  I have been a little bit 'crafty' though.  I think I mentioned before that he has started to strip me naked after killing me sometimes, and re-dressing me in his choice of clothes.  I loved it so much that I started wearing nice but relatively normal clothes.  I have some jackets and trousers I wear for work which while professional enough, are a little bit tight round my bum, and the jackets are tailored to show off my waist and breasts.  Add a silk shirt and a pair of high heeled leather boots and I am the office bitch who has been bullying him for years!  Even when I am getting dressed, I am already getting excited.  I think about my character, and at this point I am still seeing her as someone else.  I even enjoy the feeling that I know what is going to happen to her... but she doesn't!  I think about her selfishness and the cruel deliberateness with which she enjoys ruining peoples lives.  This continues when I put on my make-up.  I have a lot of lipsticks!... but for role-playing a bright red always accentuates my characters cruelty and I feel it also adds venom to the things she says.

When I first introduced my boyfriend into my fantasy world, I wasn't that nervous about it.  I had two previous boyfriends (one quite long term) who had been into it.  I already knew him well enough to know that he was quite confident and open minded about things, like politics and art.  We were already sleeping together, so I knew there were no problems in that department ;-), and so I bought some wine, cooked him a meal, and we were discussing my 'thing' before dessert!  He was immediately open to the whole idea, but a little reticent to make any suggestions.  I told him that I would tell him what to do, and he seemed relaxed about that.

With my previous boyfriend, I was already quite advanced with playing out scenarios, and because he was thouroughly enjoying himself, it was all becoming a little 'automatic'.  So I went back to how I had originally started acting out my fantasies as I thought it would be easier for him.  He came round the next night and we just had some coffee and chatted about work.  Then I asked him to go and some beer for us.  As he got up I added... oh... and take about 20 minutes before you come back?  He looked a little confused but nodded.  Then as he went to the door I said... you do know I will be dead when you get back, and you will have to find my body?  Then he realised... and went off on his errand.  To be perfectly honest... I was already wet!  I remember shaking a bit as I put on a tight dark blue dress over black stockings and suspenders and added a pair of black stillettoes.  I took another stocking and tied it round my neck and then went and layed down in a crooked position in the broom cupboard with one leg sticking out of the door and my tongue hanging out of the side of my mouth.  I had done this sort of thing even before I had a boyfriend!  It worked perfectly... of course! 

I have just remembered as I write this that when I used to do that waiting to be found, I used to become dead as soon as I got into position.  I didn't wait to hear the key in the door.  This is because the laying still is an incredibly exciting thing for me.  In my mind I can see my body laying there, I can feel the emptiness of the apartment and I can also feel the excitement of the moment when I am found, when he first touches me, feels for a pulse in my wrist, lets my dead hand drop to the floor, passes the back of his finger over my nipple and pulls my face towards him so he can look into my dead eyes.  I have often thought that in my real life, I think of myself as looking ok.  Quite nice when I make the effort... but in my fantasy I am irrisistable.  Even though I am dead and wasn't a very nice person anyway... I am the sexiest woman on the planet at that moment. 

Now, my boyfriend and I act out the whole scenario a lot of the time.  I start of by basically being in a bad mood.  I fire a lot of mundane questions at him (usually real ones!) and he has to just go along with it an accept it.  It varies every time, but after a while I do something like slap him or kick him out of sheer anger.  I insult him and swear at him.  Sometimes I tell him to stay where he is and go and get changed into something more tarty, or sometimes  I get a little collection of things to beat him with.  I don't tend to use the riding crop too much because it is easy to really hurt someone with those!... but I do like to waive it about in a threatening manner sometimes, and it is really good for slapping against the sides of my pvc boots! (love that sound!)  I use the traditional hairbrush, my bare hands, his own belt, a wooden spatula and anything else I spot at the time.  I really like to use a rolled up broadsheet newspaper because it means I can go absolutely berserk with fury.  I especially like this part done on wooden flooring because of the sound my heels make as I strut about the place.

This is sooooo exciting for me because i know he will 'turn' on me... but I don't know when.  This only drives me to more anger because I want to see that sudden change in his face (he's very good at that ;-).  Sometimes he just makes a grab for me, sometimes he stands up and starts calling me a bitch.  Either way it isn't long before he starts to overpower me and I allow the fear to start to emerge.  That moment is like a mini orgasm.  It is the begining of the end of this horrible bitch I have invented, and she is going to get what she deserves at last. I can feel my stomach lurch with her fear.  One of my favourite scenarios is a quick but exhilerating death.  He grabs a knife (actually just a knife handle;-)... and stabs me with it.  It can be in the belly, or in the chest between my tits... or he can spin me round, push me against a wall and stab me in the back.  In any case I get to scream out in agony and surprise.  I also get to groan and writhe while coughing on my own imaginary blood.  If he stabs me in the belly, I am looking into his face with terror.  I grab his shoulder with one hand and his knife hand with the other.  I beg him to spare me... but he never does and a further twist of the knife finishes me off.  He then visciously yanks the knife out of me and I fall to the floor stone cold dead.  Here I try to aim my death stare so that I can see roughly what is going on in the room.  Often he will take a moment to study my body, and sometimes go and get a drink.  At this moment, I am ready to be fucked, mauled, pulled about, carried, posed in various positions, give a post mortem blow job or be given a facial.  He can have me on my front with my ass in the air, he can throw me over a table, a chair or settee... he can dump me in the bath or on the loo or slump me over the sink.  He can drag me to the bedroom, he can kiss my dead lips, stare into my dead eyes, eat my dead vagina or anything else he wants.  If my orgasm is too intense, I have to come back to life!... but that's ok... A 'neck-snap' soon finishes me off again and I can lay dead for as long as I want then!

My boyfriend will sometimes go for a walk leaving me there afterwards... or other times will start making something to drink or even a meal.  I lay there until I get what I call my peaceful feeling.  When I get up... we kiss like any other couple who have just made love.  I think the feeling I get afterwards is one of feeling complete.  I suppose I am very lucky in that sense.  I never feel like my fantasy is a problem, it is always a blessing to me. I know some people would think it an ugly fetish... but to me it is very beautiful.  It is a deep desire that is fulfilled over and over again.

GG