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Going a little out of my mind....
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I don't really have another bloggy type thing and my therapist thinks that writing stuff down will be helpful to me. So here it goes. I'm getting really freakin' sick of being in therapy all together. All she ever wants to ask me about is "are you feeling suicidal today?" or "have you had the urge to or acted on the urge to hurt yourself?" and I'm just tired of answering those questions! I'm also really scared of what she's going to think or do if I don't start showing some improvement. Last week, she tried to get me in to the office for a "special" 20 minute meeting and I was so scared that I didn't go. Actually...I lied to her. I'm really not doing better. I just told her I was because I want her off my case about it. I'm afraid that if she knew I was still cutting that she would try to send me away to a hospital, or that I hear voices telling me to put a gun in my mouth, or that this..."thing" called the crimson lady invades my dreams and plants things under my skin. I'm afraid to tell her that I feel like she really wants to get rid of me and that she only gave me a "grounding rock" so that she could spy on everything I say or do. I know it sounds crazy, but deep down it really seems like these things are happening. I know she's planning to abandon me in July and I don't want to explain everything to a new doctor.
Is cutting really such a bad thing? I mean...people get acupuncture so that they can relax and feel better. Isn't that a form of injury??? I just can't seem to stop the thoughts and the spinning without a few good knife scratches...I know it's bad, but it feels so right, so how can it be so bad?
Sometimes I just don't know what to do.
*sigh* over and out. Off to try and get some sleep.
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Posted on : Mar 27, 2012
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Add Comment
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Commented on Mar 29, 2012
*smiles* you're really nice. Thank you for your concern and I'll try to push through and be strong about these things. Some days are better than others. The sleep parts are the hardest though because I lose all control over what happens there. Just the other night I had a dream where a polar bear ripped my arm off and wouldn't give it back... I haven't seen...her...recently, but you just have no idea how frightening it is. Thanks again wannabe_baby.
*super hugs*
Anya
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Commented on Mar 28, 2012
Wow, it certainly sounds like you have a lot to deal with, KS. The thing is, I think if I was in your therapists shoes, I'd be asking those same questions because hurting yourself and feeling suicidal are the two things I'd be most worried about. I get that you could be sick of answering them though. Like maybe you feel as if she's always thinking the worst of you?
I know I don't know you at all, kitsune_slut, and it's not like I'm in any position to give you advice. For one thing, I hate it when people do it to me. I wish you wouldn't cut yourself though. It's bad because getting something good from hurting yourself is a quick fix and you have to do something unpleasant to get that satisfaction. I'm not exactly a therapist and far from able to deal with complicated issues like the voices you hear or the crimson lady in your dreams. All I can suggest to stop all that is maybe open up to your friends about it. As corny as it sounds, they can act like your support group. More than that, just hanging out with them a lot might do you some good. Get together with them, watch boring movies and take your mind off the stuff you've been dealing with.
And if that crimson lady invades your dreams again, punch her in the face for me. Then say a kick-ass one-liner.
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