There is a puzzle that I remember from years ago. I don't know the official name of it, but I call it the 15 puzzle.

It's a very simple concept, but the solution to the puzzle is either relatively easy or darn near impossible, depending upon how your mind works. The puzzle has 4 rows and 4 columns (i.e., 16 spaces in a 4x4 matrix). Inserted in those spaces are 15 tiles, numbered 1 through 15. The 16th space is empty. When you receive the puzzle, the numbered tiles are arranged out of numerical order, randomly in the matrix. The empty space is also placed randomly in the matrix.

The object is to move the tiles so that they are arranged in numerical order and the last space is the one without a tile. At any turn, there are only 3 or 4 tiles that can be moved into the empty space, depending on whether the empty space is along the edge or in the middle of the matrix.

Cleaning my tiny apartment that is crammed full of "stuff" reminds me of doing the 15 puzzle. I either find or create an empty space. (Sometimes, it has to be on my bed, which fortunately is a full size, so I have some room, even with stuff on it.) Then I take a pile of papers, books, etc. and sort through them. Anything that needs to be shredded goes onto another (growing) pile. Stuff that can be thrown out gets put into a garbage bag. Stuff that I still need to save, go through further or give away is put into a new pile in the empty space that I created.

My problem has always been that I would get started and then some other project would come along to take my attention away. I admit that my male side would rather do almost anything else than clean. But Lois wants a clean apartment that she can decorate in a feminine way and would not be ashamed to bring up a visitor to see it. There are some other reasons why I really need to accomplish this at this time, even with the new project of transitioning. Fortunately, cleaning is an integral part of the transition and I have accomplished more cleaning in a month than I have in the previous 10 years.

I am just about ready to start bagging the papers that need to be shredded. Right now it is a mountain. I own a shredder, but it is a low capacity model. Once I catch up, the number of papers that need shredding is manageable with a relatively small (~7-10 sheet per) shredder as long as I position it so that it is at hand when I have something to shred. But it would take forever for that shredder to clean up the backlog. I know. I burned out two similar shredders trying.

The annoying thing is that the town where I live has recently had free shredding days - one in the spring and one in the fall. But they don't seem to advertise it anywhere. So I either find out about just before it happens and I am not prepared for it. Or I find out about it after the fact. Oh well, if I have to take the papers to a commercial shredder and pay for it, it is all part of the cost of doing business. (Some of those papers are personal, but many have data relating to clients or former employees.)

But enough of the unpleasant stuff. A great thing happened to me today. I was on line to make a bank deposit. I had on a hoodie that could either have been worn by a guy or a girl, but the rest of my clothes were boy mode - sports shirt that you could only see a little of, khakis and loafers with what I call a golf fringe decoration. I had the hood down, so all of my head could be seen. While my hair was not styled, it is below my ears and has more body because I am brushing it more often.

When I was next in line, the teller took a few seconds to finish her paperwork after the last customer left her window. Then she looked at me and said, "Ma'am, you're next." Then as I raised my head a little, she could probably catch a hint of beard shadow and the fact that I wasn't wearing any makeup and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, sir." "That's okay," I replied.

Ma'am! She called me "Ma'am"! Just because I have a slight frame and longish hair. Even unisex or slightly masculine clothes did not tip the visual clue to the male side. That means if I get the facial hair removed, a feminine voice and for good measure add just a little touch of makeup I should be able to make a very female appearance. So Lois is very happy today.

More reason to be happy: after less than a month, I can see the slight outline of a female breast when I wear a plain t-shirt if there is nothing underneath it. With two shirts I still look flat, so I still look male when in male clothing. But that is okay for now. It is progress.

I also started listening to the voice training CD yesterday. I need to buy a voice recorder to start formally practicing. But with my vocal range, I am confident that I can do this. It will take some months of practice, but I know it is achievable if I put the effort in. The teacher on the video showed that when you get to the advanced level, you can even go from female voice to male voice and then back again within the same sentence. That is my major concern: forgetting what role I am in and using the wrong voice during the time when I have to switch back and forth between both worlds. But I know this is doable.

Facial hair removal, voice training, makeup and career transition - those are the priorities now. It's been a good day. I am so looking forward to the coming year.

Love,

Lois