A crisis used to mean a flat tire, running out of gas in a bad spot, losing out on a commission, seeing flashing lights in my rear view mirror - stuff like that. Those things would be a crisis for me as Lois, also. But there are new things to get anxious about. Like the other day, right as I had to leave for an appointment and I suddenly realized that I had a badly broken nail. No time to fix it (and because I rushed, I probably chopped off more than I needed to). I was so upset. I had to pull myself together, otherwise I might have broken down and cried.

This is the only time so far that I have experienced a more emotional state on the negative side. But I have also had some higher highs, too. I feel so much more joy now. And the other night, I had the oldies station on. Suddenly, I just started dancing in the middle of the room. In my mind, I was suddenly back in the sixties, I had on a tight, short, brightly colored dress and long hair down to the middle of my back and I was working it! Whether it was the pony, the swim, the watusi, the shimmie or whatever, I was just letting loose and having a great time. What makes this especially interesting is that when I am in male mode, I hate to dance, and I feel very inept and inhibited if I have to go on the dance floor. I have a feeling I will like the female part of ballroom and slow dancing much better also. Mmmmmmmmm. Dancing the last dance with that special someone, your head resting on his shoulder as he holds you tight while Jesse Belvin sings "Goodnight My Love". So smooooooth. It tears your teenage heart that you must part after your lingering good night kiss, trying to make it last but trying to time it so it ends just before your parents will turn on the porch lights. And then you go to your bedroom and write all about it in your diary before practicing your signature using his last name as your own.

And now for some odds and ends:

You know how in TG fiction, when a guy starts growing breasts, one of the first things that happens is that they become more sensitive and start to itch? The early evidence for me is that this is true.

There is something very sensual about shaving one's legs. Other parts of the body not so much so. Maybe it is something about the long strokes you can take with the razor and the new smoothness of the legs that results. And I'm happy that so far, no nicks.

There is nothing special about painting one's nails, but I like the nails looking so shiny afterward.

As part of my apartment cleaning project, I came across some old photos of me that were either late high school or college age. I can't believe how much of a waif I was. I had to be about 105-110 lbs at the most. I wonder if I blotted out the face and showed the picture to others, would they guess 17-20 year old guy or 12-13 year old girl.

I also saw my Mom's wedding picture again. She was so beautiful and slender at age 22. She was also quite shapely, although that picture didn't show it so much. I would have loved growing up as her daughter and having her as a role model. I wonder if she would have paid more attention to her looks as she got older if she had a daughter that was looking up to her. But I know that one of the reasons she neglected her appearance when she got older was because she was sacrificing for her family. My Dad got nice clothes for work. And she made sure my brother and I always had nice clothes for school and church. And with a limited budget, for herself she made do with cheaper clothes and mending and patching what she already had. Why she gained weight starting in her late 30's I do not know. I can only guess that food became her drug of choice in response to whatever pain she had inside. Not a good idea when you are a shade under 5 foot tall.

This has nothing to do with a TG theme, but I found it so funny, I just had to share it. I was watching a show on Hulu the other day. The disembodied voice says, "The following program is brought to you by PETA." And a split second later, a commercial comes on for some sort of multi-purpose griddle showing you how well it cooks hamburgers, and cutlets, and chops and filets and panini sandwiches (with plenty of meat inside). It took me a long while to get over the giggles on that one.

Every day, a little more of Lois comes to the fore and my masculine side recedes further into the background. I like the person I am becoming. I was never a bad person, but I see myself now becoming more responsible, more balanced, more confident and more focused on what I want to achieve. But Lois does not want to anihilate the male side. Whatever positive attitudes and strengths that side brings to the table will be allowed to stay. (In other words, I will still be able to read a map and do math in my head!)

Be well, my friends.

Love, Lois