There is a phrase that comes up in almost every interview of a MTF transsexual. I wouid expect that the same phrase is uttered at least once by the MTF patient with her therapist. If the TG process was made into a video game, this phrase would be an undocumented feature of the game. If the "player" utters it, she advances to the next level of the game, a level where barriers have been removed and powerful new weapons (hormones, surgery, document changes, etc.) are given to her or available for the first time.

And what is that magic phrase? "I feel that I am a woman trapped in the body of a man." Now dear reader, please understand that I would not be writing about these topics in a sympathetic frame of mind if I did not believe that this phrase has been uttered with total sincerity on many occasions and it is an accurate summation of what the MTF person feels deep down inside.

At the same time, I would be incredibly naive if I believed that the same phrase is never used by pretenders, wannabes and others who are lying for whatever reason they might have (or perhaps are being forced or manipulated into). Therefore, the therapist (i.e., the gatekeeper to the next level of the "game") has to find other means besides the magic phrase to determine whether the "player" advances to the next level. Since therapists are human and fallible, the potential for mistakes in either direction exists (i.e., some fakers are allowed to advance while some genuine MTFs are unable to advance and are left behind).

My reason for writing on this topic? Simply to say that when the time comes soon for me to have an intake with someone in the therapeutic community, I will not be using the magic phrase. "Heresy", "foolish", "counterproductive" and "doomed to failure" might represent the types of thoughts running across your mind right now.

But if I was to claim the magic phrase as my own, I would be lying. You see, I don't believe that I am a woman trapped in the body of a man. Rather, I believe that I already have the body of a woman, albeit a prepubescent woman with one rather unfeminine appendage between my legs.

So my goal is to bring about a maturing process in my body - to go from girl to woman meaning that my body would now have womanly curves. At my age, surgery is probably unwise, so I may have to settle for modest gains there, but any improvement is better than nothing. No surgery also limits what can be done to correct my incongruous male appendage. But the same things that will add curves can also reduce the size of my male organ. Fortunately, it is not very impressive to begin with. Depending on whose statistics you use and when I measure it, it is either below average in size or at the lower end of the normal range.

As an aside, I had originally planned on gathering statistics on average measurements for various parts of the body for both men and women, and then comparing them to my personal measurements. It was a daunting task to find one source for all the measurements I wanted to use. So I decided to describe myself in advance of the pictures of me that I hope to eventually post. You, of course, may develop your own opinions of the nature of my body.

My overall body size is petite, even compared with a number of women, let alone men. I stand about 5' 5" (165 cm) and I weigh somewhere between 120-125 pounds (about 55.5 kg). I know this is below the healthy range for men and I think it is below or at the lower end for women.

And yet, people don't come up to me inquiring about my health or taking me to the side asking if I am anorexic. (Well, there was one time, when I was in my late 30s, because a holistic doctor treating me for triglycerides had me on a severe diet that brought my weight down to just under 100 pounds [about 45 kg]). But even this proves my point. How many mature men of my height could drop down to 98 pounds and not be so weak that they would have to be hospitalized?

Except on my hands, my veins are not prominent, and it feels like I have that feminine extra fat layer over my body. As I approach my 59th birthday, my skin is soft and smooth except for some patches where I am dealing with eczema/psoriasis. Hardly a wrinkle to be found on my body.

My hair is thick and wavy, and I believe it will look quite nice when properly cared for and styled. More than once I was told that my hair was wasted on a boy/man. (And I was brought up not to waste things!) On the rest of my body, my hair is fairly sparse, especially on my legs. I do have facial hair, but I do not need to shave every day.

I wish I had a more feminine face, but perhaps I am overly harsh from seeing myself in "boy" mode for so long. My best facial feature is my nose, which is rather small and most people describe as a "button nose". I never got very skilled in applying makeup. I am eager to see what my face will look like with a professional's touch and framed by a woman's hairstyle.

Yes, I do have an adam's apple, but I do not feel it is overly prominent. I guess scarves, loose turtlenecks or makeup will need to be used to de-emphasize it. My neck is slender and I rarely find men's shirts with a neck size small enough to properly fit me.

It is almost impossible for me to build muscle mass on my upper body. After a couple of years of Nautilus training around the age of 30, I added a whopping 10 lbs (5 kg) to my weight, and no inches of muscle to speak of. About the only athletic thing I could do well with my upper body is throw a ball for distance. I had no fastball as a pitcher, but I could reach home plate on the fly from medium depth in the outfield. I think that developed simply because I starting throwing a ball at a young age and my body (especially limberness in the shoulders) enabled me to use my arms like a whip to propel a ball a good distance. But it didn't take many years away from sports activity as a young adult before the ability was lost. Most women with a decent workout regimen would be able to outlift me. I am almost useless moving furniture, unless it is something I can get my legs into.

My hands are dainty and easily fit into a pair of woman's small gloves. The fingers are thin and short, and a normal-sized man's hand engulfs me in a handshake. (My nails are starting to grow out nicely, however, and I am beginning to enjoy the sound of the longer nails clicking on the keys as I type. Sometimes the little things can mean so much.) Like my hands, my arms and wrists are very slender.

I generally take a men's 7 shoe (which can vary up to ½ size either way, depending on style and manufacturer). It is D width at the front of the shoe, but only a B width at the heel.

I regret losing muscle tone in my tummy, but it hasn't gone as far as obese or a pot belly. Just a little soft and pouffy. It doesn't take much effort to get a flat tummy profile and have a lot of rib cage showing. I just downloaded some exercises that I hope will firm up my tummy and give my femme figure some more curves.

I can't say that I have a lot in the hip department, but then again the average prepubescent woman hasn't developed much there, either. My hope is that firming the tummy will help them to look bigger. I am told that I have a "nice tush", and I have read that whatever helps my breasts will make me more womanly there, also.

If there is any place on my body that normally shows bulk, even when toned, it is my thighs and calves. So I guess I will need to get the hang of heels for my legs to look good. Hopefully it won't be too hard on my thin ankles.

Well maybe it didn't take a thousand words. But between the above and my avatar, you now have at least some idea of what I look like - or will look like in girl mode.

One final thought regarding the mental aspect of body image. There is the physical description that can be given. Then there are the feelings you have about the way you look. But on another level, there is the way you sense your body.

For example, amputees will report a sense that the amputated limb is still there - even to the point that phantom pain is "felt" in the amputated part.

I experience similar feelings about my breasts. They have never been there so they could not have been removed. Yet, there are times, seemingly out of the blue without any reason, discussion or image to provoke the feeling, that it feels to me like there are breasts there. I get a sense of weight and other sensations that my mind interprets as the presence of breasts.

Conversely, there are times (although not as often as what I experience with the breasts) that it feels as if my penis is missing. And I am talking about besides when i have to walk outside for a length of time in the middle of a frigid NE USA winter night with the temperature about 10°F (-12°C)!

And that's all I have to say about my body. At least for tonight.

Love, Lois