Where else did I pick up TG info in my younger days? Well, I furtively snuck in and out of the Times Square book stores on many occasions. What a skewed source of info!!! Not exactly the best place to find a positive TG image.

There was a pattern. I would go in a couple of places, and then eventually buy a few magazines. Try to look nonchalant as I paid the man at the front of the store. Very little eye contact, of course. Then I would hide the black plastic bag that contained them in my newspaper or briefcase. If I felt really daring, and I had a seat to myself, I would start to read them on the train or bus on the way home. Otherwise, I would devour them at home, a dizzying mixture of admiration, envy and lust. That would go on for a few weeks. Then I would feel ashamed and throw them out. Depending on what else was happening in my life, my finances and how often I was going to the city, I would last between 6-18 months before trying again.

Then there were the ads in the Village Voice. I was too scared to answer any ads, either the personal ones or for the tranny call girls, but here was where I learned about something I had not known about before: there were actually businesses that catered to the TG community. And that was how I started visiting Lee's Mardi Gras Boutique. Those of you who are veterans to the scene probably know what I am talking about, even if you are not from the NYC area.

When Lee's was west of the bus terminal, you went one way for the reading material and the other way for the clothes, makeup, etc. I always turned right for the reading material. At least some of these publications put a more human face on TG women. I fondly remember Kim Christy and Linda Lee, especially. The women they featured were higher class than those in the porno mags, although there would still be one or two provocative features in some of the issues. But some of these women were absolutely gorgeous and came across as so passable. But instead of an emphasis on the sex trade, these women were almost always performers in clubs. And being as shy as I was, I knew that I wasn't a performer. So again, there appeared to be no avenue for me to go this route.

At some point, my male career started to make good progress. I was now establishing a name, reputation and identity in the straight world. There was work, church (yes, I still believe in God) and my parents were becoming proud of the fact that I was making it in the world and they didn't worry about me so much any more. I couldn't let them down, could I? How would they feel if I was caught and outed? Would I lose my job and clients? And during that time, a local pastor was caught in the act of sexually deviant behavior. No, to this timid soul, it did not appear to be safe to come out.

But a dream deferred is not a dream dissolved. And Lois would find ways to let me know that she was still around. For awhile, I would do my best to stay home when I heard that Geraldo, Maury Povich, Jenny Jones or Springer would have a TG topic show. I even taped some of them. 

I still found ways to combine trips to NYC with visits to Lee's. When the boutique moved to 14th Street, it was a much brighter, open space. It was more inviting to walk around the fashion part of the store, looking at the women's clothing, the lingerie, the breast forms and makeup. Oh, and what kind of girl would I be if I forgot to mention the shoes. I would walk around the aisles, admiring the different items, trying to summon the courage to buy something ... anything to break the ice. Sometimes I would even see a woman (wife, girlfriend or sister perhaps) helping a CD friend with advice and encouragement. But I didn't find someone like that in my life and in my circles.

It's been a while, but if I remember correctly, the reading material was not in the 14th Street store at some point, so it was obvious to those working in the store why I was there. But every time, I would get to the point where I knew I was not going to buy anything that day. If you had brought something in with you (like a briefcase or a shopping bag from another store) you had to leave it up front while you "shopped". So before leaving, I would retrieve. I can remember the kindly look on the face of the employee (who was TG) on more than one occasion. It seemed to say, "I know the pain and conflict you are going through." There was one time, I felt so connected, I almost asked her to talk to me and help me break through the barrier. But just then someone else asked her for something and the moment passed. Sometime after that, Lee's closed and I don't know of another place in the NYC area like it since then.

I don't think there will be a part 3 to this particular theme, but before I close, I want to mention another TG movie I saw while in college. It was an independent but more mainstream than Outrageous. Based on a novel, it was called "I Want What I Want (To Be A Woman)". I can remember leaving my college dorm and driving off to see it, praying that no one I knew would see me anywhere near that movie theater that night. The central character in the movie was someone I could identify with, as her desire was to be seen as, treated like and transformed to the woman she felt inside, blending into mainstream society as a woman. But even here, there was much heartache, desparation and I seem to recall a rather violent self-mutilation scene. (We tend to block out the really horrible things in life, don't we?) In other words, not much encouragement here, either.

It was a case of the irresistible force (my desire to live life as the woman I believe I am) constantly running into the immovable object (all the obstacles and derision that society puts in the way of those who go this route, especially when I was awakening to the idea in the sixties, seventies and early eighties). For a long time, it looked like the immovable object would never be moved and would win.

But not anymore. Lois, you still have a long way to go, but you've come a long way, baby!

Love, Lois