I just completed some gender tests. I did one on the sex of the brain. According to the results, my brain is 46% feminine and 38% masculine. I have no idea what the remaining 16% is, but the fact that I can do the math probably contributes to my masculine score, according to the researchers.

Please understand that I am not saying that all women are poor in math. I know women who are math teachers and accountants, professions where you have to be good at math. Probabilities are not certainties. A 60% chance of rain means a 40% chance that it won't.

Still, I take the results as one more piece of evidence.

More significant to me were the results of the COGIATI. I have taken this test a number of times over the years. The results were always the same: Intersexed. This time I came up with a 145, which puts me in Classification 4 - "Probable Transsexual".

Why the difference? I think I have finally reached a point in my life where I am able to be more honest in my answers. I was better able to answer what I truly feel inside, instead of what the right answer should be. I think my score would have been even further up the scale of Transsexualism if some of my answers were not based on things I did in my past to live up to society's expectations of me. But obedience is related to submissiveness, and women are supposed to be more submissive then men, aren't they?

I can remember a number of incidents from childhood such as my fascination with the comic book where Jimmy Olsen dressed in drag to infiltrate the mob. I even wrote a childish letter in pencil to DC Comics asking them to do more stories like that and then lying about what I wrote about to my brother and mother when I got the form letter reply. I remember being so fascinated when I first learned about Christine Jorgensen and when I saw a picture of Cochinelle in a book.

What do you do when you are child and you sense that such things are right for you, but you are told in very definite terms that such things are wrong? Depending on your personality, there are many possible responses. My response was to repress, deny, sneak around at the edges but always pull back.

My mother's reaction the one time she caught me in her things made it very clear I would get no support from her. And I never tried it again under her roof.

A blog implies more than one entry. So I will save more for later. Some will be on more of my life. Some will be on my progress. And some will be on just other thoughts and observations that I have.

All I can say in closing is that in the past, I have always been afraid to take the next step. Now, I am still afraid to move forward, but growing more afraid that if I don't do something soon, there will never be another opportunity for me to do it.

Love to all who took the time to read this,

Lois