Yesterday I wrote the things which make me happy now. I planned to continue my blog with the sad things, but a new scorgue affected me at evening. I went home and wanted to cheeck wether my problem with web acces due to software or hardware origin. But I couldn't take care my desktop PC, because I HAD TO watch the next to last episode of LOST. (The reasons will be below.) So after the show I went back to my computer and found it turned off. I tried to turn it on but failed. When I pushed the power buton only a short and soft buzz was heard. So I became bitter "a bit"... I had to take an anxiolitc pill to help me fall asleep. Without it I would have been keeping vigil at night, thinking about how to fix my computer with no avail.

After this bypass to my recent annoyances let me write about the sadnes wich resides in my heart.

It's connected my affiliation my girlfriend, my companion, my fiance'e for forever almost my wife. Our link started when she was my practical teacher in one summer practice in my years in the faculty of pharmacy. We talked a lot about our lives and we got to like one another. Two years passed, I graduated at the university and worked in the same pharmacy where my summer practices had been before.
She liked me more and more. What's more she fell in love with me without my knowledge. One fateful night when she was on night duty in the pharmacy, she invited me to talk. We had quarelled some before so it was time to make peace each other. We did and above this she told me how she felt. She thought I would refuse her. Au contraire, mon ami! (Hercule Poirot :) I gladly accept her.

As I have written in my previous entry, I always had problem with the girls when I liked them. On the other hand I had/have certain charm over older ladies. I had observed this before and accepted by that time. But except half hour of kissing I had no experience with girlfriends and real love. At the age of 25 that's a "little" unsuccesful sexual life. So I was veeeeeery happy that a woman really loved me at last. The 21 years between us didn't bother me at all.

We've been together since that nigh, for almost eight years. Our love have remained through this time. (So I had to watch LOST, because, she wanted me to do so.) But in some ways she was too late for me, she was not enough for me. As I've written before I was far on my way of my developing sexual behavior. She could slowing down the process for a few years but she couldn't stop it.

She has a conservative sexual taste. So she was horrified when she found out that I liked girls "with some extra". I tried to hide it, I tried to change my feelings about it but I could not. Her love was strong enough to accept me slowly that way. She wanted me to remain with her. That was no problem. I loved her as well, I didn't want to live with anyone else.

One night I wanted to dress and wear make-up like a girl. She treated this a sexual roleplay in the bedroom so not only accept but helped me to use the foundation, mascara, blush and lipstick etc. In that time it really was roleplay. But I enjoyed my beauty as I saw how she envied my depilated legs, my bottom, my long wawy hair, my femine face. So time to time I wanted to play the role of her girlfriend.

In the recent months I started to buy woman's clothes and shoes quite intensively. I did not want them wear only in the bedroom, I wanted to wear them as much as possible. Although there's no much opportunity I have. She has two children. Only 8-10 years are between them and me. She do not want them to find out my "perversion" so I dress up and do my make up secretly.
I use nail polish recently. Just colorless ones only to make my nails sparkling. She don't like it, she wants me to remove it by the morning. I refused yesterday and went to work with polished nails. I saw how it saddened her. But I cannot deny myself. I need the sight of my shiny nails.

I don't know how long she will endure my way into a TV's life. I know she will break some day. But if I can't be what I want to be I will break. I fear the day when she finds out that I take antiandrogen and estrogen/gestagen pills. We are both pharmacists, so we know what are these...

That's why I am very sad at the same time when I am very happy. In one way or another our affiliation will break. We don't want to live separated but at one point she won't bear me more. I feel the impending doom...

I hope you have better days than me.

With love:
stolburk