A strange thing happened to me recently...

I was at a bar, not one I go to often for reasons of price, distance, and clientel. But I didn't really give a fuck at the time as long as I was in an establishment in which I could guzzle booze like it held the cure to aids. I was there with my ever trusty fellow booze hound DD who was kindley shouting many a round due to the fact that now jobless I have no cash. We'd been there about 20minutes when she was returning from the bar with 2 fresh drinks. She sat down and I eagerly grabbed whatever the fuck it was she had bought me and mid spid I heard her say "You know for a fag joint this place is actually really nice".

After swallowing some of my drink into my lungs and then spitting it back over the table I was comfortabley able to pronounce "What?". I always had knew that the surrounding area was home to a large portion of Sydney's smiling queers but wasn't so sure bout the bar. Lesson Learned. Still it didn't stop us from drinking there, the trouble came about an hour and a half later when DD had to leave. I weighed my options and decided that walking to the train station and sitting around for bout 3 hours was a shitty idea, and going back to the house this early would leave me sitting out front with they key to enter. So I stayed and it seemed like almost right after I made the decision the bar started to fill up with more patrons. I was now behind enemy lines and a stranger in this house of the little pink mafia.

I know a lot of gay people complain about being unfairley stereotyped, but fucking hell these dudes were obvious. The pub partons seemed to be an amalgum of male hair dressers and characters from Will & Grace. I'd moved inside to sit at the actual bar at this point plus I only had a few bucks and I wanted to be in a position in which I could hear the pricing of everyone's drinks. It was then that the very nice young girl behind the bar slide a freshly made Jack & Coke in front of me. I was slightly puzzled but when an attractive woman gives you a seemingly free drink I'm somehow abliged to do the polite thing and take it. She pointed to this guy on the other side of the bar and winked at me saying "The gentleman over there sends his regards"

I had learned a valuable lesson, a new face in a gay bar gets you noticed, and I was the freshest face around. Luckily for me this raging queer had deep pockets and was very generous, he bankrolled my drinking for the next hour and a half. Each time the bartender, who's name was Lana, brought over a drink with a smile and a wink. It was a nice little scam, whilst it lasted. There came a point where I couldn't hold it any longer and I had to whizz, so I got up and head to the bathroom which was surprisingly clean for a pub toilet. But as I was finishing my business I noticed that the guy from the bar had entered the toilet after me. I suddenly got a flash back of that Shower scene from American History X where Edward Norton gets his anus busted open, so I quickly washed my hands and flee'd exchanging little more than a nod to my queer benefactor.

Taking my seat back at the bar I was quickly joined by the bar guy, his name was Dale. He asked me some questions of which I answered a vaguely as possible in an attempt to throw him off but not be an asshole, after all the guy had probably spend like $70 on me. At this point of the night I learnt another lesson.... After a gay guy buys you drinks for 2 and a half hours and you dont go out back with him and suck his dick, he might get mad. And Dale did get very upset and he threw his drink at me, glass and all.

Luckily Lana the lovely bartender handed me a towel to dry myself off with. And then another strange thing happened to me. Lana leaned across the bar and said "Don't worry, I've seen dale every week for the last 2 years, He's a bit rough round the edges but you two will make up in no time"

To which I hastily replied "I'm not gay, just broke"

She thought that was really funny and said that It takes a crazy kind of guy with something very wrong in his head to pull a stunt like I had. I felt kinda macho and kool for a brief moment, this feeling intensified when she told me her shift ended at 7 and she wondered if I wanted to go somewhere and talk. You bet your fuckin ass I did, and after a full afternoon of drinking my charm was sky high.

In truth there wasn't that much talking, I met her out back we sat around and shared a cigarette and breifly chatted before I she asked if I wanted to kiss her. I should have said something like "Yeah" but instead I stared blankly at her
causing her to say
"Ha you think because I serve men who wanna be women all night long I can't be bold?"
To which I replied "No, I had you picked for a lesbian"

thank christ she found that funny...

long story short... by by forced abstinance.... hello Lana with the rose scented car freshener.

Im back
YOU KNOW IT